Silver Beetle: Still afraid of the dark

I miss working.

2010-08-16T22:21:00.001-05:00

I miss working. I miss the feeling of accomplishment, the camaraderie with coworkers, the lunches out with friends, the coming home to whine about how much works sucks. But, most of all, I miss all that disposable income.

I miss being able to call up friends and go out whenever I wanted. I miss being able to randomly treat myself to something nice. Hell, I miss being able to afford the things I NEED. I miss not worrying about money constantly.

And worst of all is the jealousy people have that I'm not doing anything while they're working. People think I should be happy and relaxing. I don't want to be unemployed. I don't have anything to do all day -- there's not much you can do with NO MONEY.

I hate this.

Chattanooga

2010-06-21T23:23:00.001-05:00

I love this picture of Anthony and I in Chattanooga (in early Fall). It was our first trip together.

I just bought a bunch of art supplies and am trying to get my artistic groove back -- so here's a portrait attempt in Charcoal and Watercolor.

Cat Story: Tabitha wins.

2010-06-10T20:54:00.001-05:00

As I was waiting on supper and being melancholy, I was sitting silently at the kitchen table. I had just changed the litterbox so naturally the cats had to use it. Tabitha was first. When Jack heard her digging, he went and sat in the laundry room. As usual, when she walked out, he pounced and chased her off. That happens pretty much daily. He thinks its funny.

So then Jack's turn to use the litterbox. Tabs hears him scratching and positions herself on the top stair on the other side of the corner -- complete with butt wiggle. Jack comes trotting out, glances in the laundry room and then *BAM* Tabs attacks from behind. Scared the shit out of him. LOL! It made me laugh a lot.

Shrek Forever After Glassware Recall

2010-06-07T22:13:00.001-05:00

I'm reading about the McDonalds Shrek glass recall (http://www.aboutmcdonalds.com/mcd/our_company/mcd_faq/shrek_glasses_recall.html") while sipping tea from my fat Puss In Boots glass. Nobody is taking away my fat Puss in Boots glass, I don't care if it's poisonous, it makes me happy.

Fun @ the Lake

2010-06-06T22:45:00.001-05:00

New Adventures...

2010-06-03T19:49:00.001-05:00

Well, I'm still jobless. Two months in and if anything my job prospects look smaller than they did before. I'm also living beyond my means -- unemployment doesn't pay much and I live alone in a 2 bedroom apartment.

Time to put on my big girl panties and do what I have to do: Move in with someone. Ugh, I know. I've lived alone for over 5 years and I never got along with roommates. But I did get along with Steph for the brief period we lived together. And now we're both much more medicated. So...

I'm moving in with Steph! She has a house here in Huntsville with a roommate (who I'm told is disgusting -- ugh) and two cats. And now me and my two cats will be joining the party. I'm terrified. TERRIFIED. I'm going from my own apartment -- with two whole bedrooms and two whole bathrooms and my own kitchen and all my own stuff and no one to bother me to a single room in someone else's house. ...with other people. I'm terrified.

Did I mention I'm terrified? Help.

Facebook ate me.

2010-05-25T08:18:00.001-05:00

Sorry I never post around here anymore. I should try to remedy that. I've been directing my thoughts and pictures to Facebook so this poor blogs been neglected. I apologize. I do recommend friending me on Facebook if you wanna keep up with me though. So whats new with me?

Did I ever post on here that I got laid off? Yeah, probably not. Job search isn't going too well. It's very disheartening. Most days I feel like a giant loser. I'm still going though and looking for a new job. And collecting unemployment -- yay! Too bad thats not enough to live off of. It is free money though and helps a LOT.

I'm still with my sweetie, Anthony. We love each other and it's so awesome. I've met all his family, hes met all my family. We still accept each other. It's great! Hes up by 10 strokes in the putt putt tournament (7 games in). I tied him last game though, so maybe this is the beginning of my subtle comeback.

I hooked up my good old NES from '85 for Anthony to play Zelda. He kicked its ass. I took a picture of the victory but he won't let me post it on facebook because he says no one cares. Does anyone care about anything I post on there anyway?

Still loving my Wii! I still love some Mario Kart action. And I got the Netflix streaming disc for the Wii -- it's so awesome! I canceled my cable when I got laid off, so now I just stream stuff from Netflix. I watched the first 4 seasons of Bones (INCREDIBLE show)! I can't believe I was missing such an awesome show!

Spent the end of last week at a gorgeous lake resort with the family. I got major sunburn. We had a boat and a jetski and a innertube to ride though so it was super fun. The resort had the most awesome mushroom pool ever! It had the giant mushroom fountain, a huge cave with waterfall and a water slide. Unfortunately, it was freezing so we were stuck with the normal adult pool.

I'm sure there's plenty more I havn't mentioned, but this is a start :)

Putt putt showdown

2010-04-12T22:10:00.001-05:00

Neither of us have gotten close to par, but im up by 2!

Happy Easter!

2010-04-04T16:21:00.001-05:00

Spicy food = more tea.

2010-04-01T17:39:00.001-05:00

I use a lot of splenda.

How long will i leave my Christmas wreath up?

2010-03-23T22:39:00.001-05:00

With a little hot glue and some fake eggs, it is now an Easter wreath!

Sexist old men are funny.

2010-03-22T22:52:00.001-05:00

I don't know why, but I've encountered more sexism at my current place of work than ever before. Maybe because I've been there three years, maybe because lots of engineers are old men, or maybe this is just the most i've ever been around old men. Either way, it can be pretty funny. I'm sure most women would disagree, but I've never been much of a feminist or a hippy - I also know that it's just their generation and it's a dying state of mind. Either way: sometimes rather amusing.

Today I was in the cafeteria on my lunch break enjoying some chicken parm with Messick (hes a guy). We were sitting next to a table of older guys discussing cars -- not unusual. They were talking about how stupid having an automatic sports car was -- because that defeats the entire purpose. The following is directly quoted:

Old Guy 1: "I guess it makes them more accessible to women."

Old Guy 2 (genuinely seeing this as a valid argument): "Then my wife could drive it"

Me (looking at Messick): "Did he actually just imply that women can't drive stick? ... I can drive stick."

Messick: "I can't."

NEW COUCH!

2010-03-19T12:56:00.001-05:00

My new couch just got delivered and it
s perfect! It look better than I thought it would and its SO COMFY! I love it. Love it love it love it!

Special Delivery

2010-03-11T16:46:00.001-06:00

There is something fucking wrong with FedEx

2010-03-11T16:41:00.001-06:00

This is my new Wii Fit Plus. With a giant boot print on it. After it's been sitting out in the rain leaning against my door all day. At least it wasn't stolen.

What the hell is wrong with FedEx? They left it leaning against my door so you could see it clearly when pulling into the parking lot. Didn't even try to put it off to the side or behind my plants. Plus there is a giant foot print on it -- it's even dented, its obviously a boot. Thanks for handling it with care, guys. The picture barely shows it, but believe me, it's bad. It's also been raining all day! Why would you leave a package out in the rain? And I'm going out of town tomorrow -- what if it was delivered tomorrow and sat out there until Monday?

What the hell?

Unfriend

2010-03-07T23:58:00.000-06:00

I just cleaned up my friends on facebook and unfriended a lot of people that i didn't really know or care for. If I accidently unfriended any blog readers, drop me an email and I'll refriend you -- probably just didn't realize your real name ;)

I don't like having people "friended" when I have no idea who they are. Seems stupid.

My sweetie brought me flowers for no reason. I loves him.

2010-03-04T22:37:00.001-06:00

Hi, Blog. It's been a while.

2010-02-25T19:33:00.001-06:00

Sorry I've been too lazy to post. I've been relying mainly on my netbook which didn't have the convenient program for blogging. Then it got major sick so I finally got around to buying a new power cord for the mac. See, I have my reasons. Kinda.

Life is good. Well, better than usual, I suppose. I'm stressed and hate school still and I'm super stressed with my current project at work. On the good side though, I just paid off my entire credit card so now the only debt I hold is my student loans. I also ordered a new couch. WOOT! My first big furniture purchase!

And in about 2 weeks, Anthony and I will be taking a weekend to head up to North Carolina to see his sister and attend Chad's wedding! And it'll be our 6 months :)

Tonight I totally bailed on social activity for a nap (that nap hasn't happened) and laundry. I don't regret it though because my dishes were so shamefully piled up and so is the laundry. There was even a molded sponge in my dishes -- EW, who knew I was that gross? I didn't. About to unload the dishes and put in my second load of laundry while I watch the olympics. Then maybe call Anthony for some mario kart pwnage.

Do any of you play mario kart? If so, email me for my friend code -- I <3 mario kart.

Perhaps the cuteness is a trap...

2010-02-25T14:44:00.001-06:00

Kirk and Spock are suspicious.

May the furs be with you!

2010-02-20T20:36:00.001-06:00

Target is sexist

2010-01-31T21:11:00.002-06:00

SO I was walking through Target tonight and saw this awesome Batman underwear in the mens section. I looked closer and not only did they have Batman, but they also had Transformers and Ironman in both boxers and briefs -- for adults. So I got all excited and went to womens because I wanted Batman AND Ironman AND Transformers underwear! They had none of the above.

What the hell, Target? Christian Bale as Batman and Robert Downey Jr as Ironman -- there's a womens market too! (I'll give them that there might be less demand for transformers in the womens section). This makes me so sad! I wanted to watch Ironman in my Ironman panties, dammit!

2010-01-29T08:06:00.001-06:00

Jack is ready for the cold.

WARNING: Post about Vaginas

2010-01-14T19:44:00.002-06:00

I'm watching a show on BBC America called "Perfect Private Parts." It's a woman exploring and studying labiaplasties, hymen restoration and various cosmetic surgeries available for the vagina and the women who get them. It's fascinating.

They've followed two women who wanted to have the surgery. One girl was 16 and she was unable to convince her to not go through with it. Another woman was married and just so emotionally distraught over how much she hated her vagina. She wanted to have surgery and the reporter convinced her to participate in this art project (warning, not pornographic but NSFW either): http://brightonbodycasting.com/design-a-vagina.php. After she saw the complete panel (it's a panel of castings of 40 womans vaginas) she started bawling and realized that -- holy shit, they don't all look alike. She not only had hers cast for the art project, but decided against the surgery shes wanted for over 30 years.

It's a very moving show. And while I've never felt self conscious about my vagina in particular, I DO know what it's like to hate your body. And I find the art project fascinating. It's not just a wonderful concept, but it is literally enough to change lives. I mean that one woman went from hating her body to embracing it -- just by looking at it. What a fascinating piece of art to have that much power for someone. I'm just stunned, really.

What a fascinating show.

Jack likes to sit in my lap while I play Mario Kart

2010-01-13T22:22:00.001-06:00

Chocolate Mousse

2010-01-13T17:00:00.002-06:00

My dear, sweet, sexy, wonderfully awesome boyfriends birthday is this weekend. He's not a big cake guy though. His favorite dessert of all time? His mommas chocolate mousse. He's told me of this holy chocolate mousse a few times and I had the pleasure of having some when I visited his family over the holidays. So of course I'm going to make him this holy chocolate mousse and got the recipe from his mom.

Holy shit, could he choose a more complex dessert? I thought it would involve cool whip -- I was so wrong. The crust is oreo cookies without the cream crumbled up. Yall, I have to skin a package of oreos just for the crust! Holy crap. And I don't own things like spring-form pans, egg separators, candy thermometers and multiple mixing bowls. But ah ha -- after borrowing some things from Erin (some of which Jack broke - sorry, Erin) and a massive trip to Target, I have all the stuff I need. BEHOLD:

Whats sad is that it probably won't live up to his moms.

Phrase of the month and more!

2010-01-10T22:54:00.003-06:00

Phrase of the month: "hoovering over him like a rabid angel." I need to work this analogy into my repertoire.

In other news: New semester starts tomorrow. WOO HOO -- YEAH! ROCK ON! Long work week AND school. Gonna be a loooong week. I did do my laundry today which was both nice and necessary. Still haven't fully unpacked from winter vacation, but at least I put up my clothes and the big suitcases!

Most people have already asked, but for those who haven't: My trip to the great white north (where Barnes and Nobles reach TWO STORIES) went quite well. I had a great relaxing time. I think I might have made a decent impression and I got to spend the entire week with Anthony! We flew back into Birmingham and had dinner with my family before driving home. So he's met my entire family (most twice) and I've met most of his. And we've only been dating 4 months -- that's progress! I'm so very happy right now, it's wonderful.

Christmas went well too! I got a Wii! Finally! And I've been playing it all freaking week (hooked it up Monday night). I have Rayman (Love the Rabbids), Mario Kart (Hit me up if you play too, we can race online!), and the New Super Mario Brothers Wii. Let me tell you, that last one is a hoot in Multiplayer. Alone it's OK. With 2 people it's way more fun. With 4 people it's absolute chaos -- and tons of fun. In multiplayer, we're already half through the third (ice) world. It's not even the game play but the little details that kill me -- like the fact that you can eat your friends and spit them back out with yoshi -- and that the turtles dance with the background music.

Hope you all had a great end of the year as well. Here's to the new!

2009-12-31T01:01:00.001-06:00

Well dress him up and take better pictures tomorrow. I made the center ball! It was a lot of work too.

Mmm garlic naan and onion breath.

2009-12-19T19:14:00.002-06:00

Me and Steph had Sitar Indian Cuisine (on Jordan Lane) tonight. Super disappointed in the absolute absence of spice. I've eaten there many times and always been super happy with it. I always get the "Keema Matar" which is minced lamb and peas and I order it medium spice. I LOVE spicy food -- but Indian food is super spicy so I go with medium. Steph also ordered hers "medium."

They had NO spice. I wouldn't even call them mild -- it's like they forgot to spice it at all. The peas didn't have any flavor, period. The food was delicious -- but whats Indian food without any spice? And we ordered medium -- what kind of scale are they using?

Jack investigates Steph

2009-12-19T18:27:00.001-06:00

Erin is edumacated!

2009-12-19T11:38:00.002-06:00

Erin's graduation was today! Congrats, Erin! Honors and EVERYTHING. I hope to someday be the one graduating LOL

Christmas Cookies!

2009-12-09T20:31:00.001-06:00

Kirk and Spock spread holiday cheer.

2009-12-03T15:03:00.001-06:00

Long live and prosper.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2009-11-26T09:56:00.002-06:00

I hope you all have a wonderful thanksgiving! Lets remember what we're thankful for today, and not all that other crap ;) I'm thankful for (in no particular order):

-My family, especially my sweet momma.
-My friends who are so incredibly awesome.
-Anthony who makes me swoon.
-My Job! Woot for having a job in the recession!
-My apartment.
-My car.
-My kitties.
-My own washer and dryer INSIDE my apartment.
-Paid bills.

And presents under the tree...

2009-11-23T22:25:00.001-06:00

I LOVE wrapping Christmas presents! And not only have I finished making them all, but they're all wrapped and resting under my Christmas tree! This makes me happy. And the store had lactose-free eggnog tonight! I'm so turning on carols and sitting by the tree with a glass of eggnog.

Note: As Tabitha was on the half-wall in the last tree picture, it seems appropriate that Jack posed for this one.

CHRISTMAS TREE!

2009-11-16T21:46:00.001-06:00

I'm putting up my Christmas tree! The first ornament to go on is my new heart "Christmas Together" ornament my wonderful, sweet boyfriend just gave me! How perfect and romantic is THAT? I admit it, I cried a little bit.

I know my last posts have all involved me gushing about Anthony, but I can't help it -- I'm in love :)

Time Flys

2009-11-05T11:32:00.003-06:00

Can you believe it's November already? This semester is flying by! I mean it's almost my birthday and Thanksgiving already. I'm super ahead this year though, have one more Christmas present to make and then I'll have everyones done! Impressive, no?

Schools still stressing me out. So is the thyroid thing. I've been having a lot of symptoms I did not connect until I looked up excessive hair loss the other day. Oh hey, thats a symptoms of hypothyroidism. Oh so are the wicked leg cramps i've been having, the exhaustion, the weight gain, the irritability - yay! I tell you, Graves Disease is bull shit. I'm so upset about the losing hair thing. I thought my hair was just getting tangley and thats why I was losing so much. So I've been buying hair treatments and conditioners and all sorts of shit in hopes of stopping it. Now I find out it's my stupid thyroid -- which means I can't fix it with fancy hair products :( Great, I'm gonna be fat and bald and still a failure at school. THIS ROCKS.

Sorry, I'm a bit upset about it. I was diagnosed with thyroid problems in JANUARY. It's November -- I've tried different pills and hormones and doses, I've been radiated, I've been poked and prodded and I'm still getting NEW symptoms. Not just the ones I already had -- new ones! And my psychiatrist is harping on me about my weight gain and making me feel even worse than I already do. Like I don't hate myself for it already. I dread the psychiatrist now. Just like I dread class and the doctors and work. BLAH. Did I mention my hairs falling out? Yeah.

Ok, but lifes not all bad. Not at all actually. I'm completely in love with Anthony and love him more every day. We've been going on walks together after work, I feel good about that. He just makes me so fucking happy -- and has that weird ability to make me feel better by smiling at me or hugging me. *swoon*

Like I said, I've gotten a lot of Christmas presents made too (they're stained glass). I just have to make a cross for Jennifer and then I've got all my Christmas done! I even have a present for Anthony's parents. I'm hoping to have time to make some Christmas ornaments too. Not because I have to but because I want to. I tried this last year but it became a "have to" which sucked out all of the enjoyment for me. I'd also like to get around to making a stained glass Christmas tree. I've got little filigree ornaments, just need to make it.

My birthdays almost here! I'm hoping some friends will get together and we can do dinner and a movie or game and have red velvet cake (Sams makes the best). And balloons. I want balloons. I love balloons, they're cheap, and underrated. HINT HINT. ;)

And next month is CHRISTMAS SEASON. And my trip to Michigan!

Pumpkin!

2009-10-29T20:13:00.002-05:00

Me and Anthony carved a pumpkin tonight :) Happy Halloween!

Anthony & I in Chattanooga

2009-10-22T08:42:00.000-05:00

I love this picture!

Is the apocalypse here already?

2009-10-16T16:56:00.001-05:00

I'm making sweet and sour chicken for Anthony.

Also, I am so excited about this weekend! Chattanooga with Anthony and my family.

More things that annoy Karen

2009-10-13T12:08:00.002-05:00

You know those people who sit in class or work and constantly vibrate their legs? Yeah, those people annoy me. I find it horribly distracting. Why do you have to constantly move like that? I mean they must me burning a lot of calories -- but didn't we learn how to sit still in kindergarten? I know my kindergarten teacher wouldn't have put up with that shit while we were in a circle learning colors.

Good things are scary.

2009-10-13T11:19:00.002-05:00

I know what you're asking me and I don't wanna give
'Cause it's safe and I know 'cause I've been here all these years
All the precious pain I hold without it there is fear
And I'm afraid when you say that you'll get me outta here

Life's been going really well for me lately. It's not perfect, I'm still fat -- but I mean lifes been looking up. And it's not just Anthony -- things have been going great.

My job just got a million times better and I'm so much more happy with it. I've already paid for all my Christmas presents and am on my way to getting them done. I had a program due today in class -- and I finished it last week. I've been getting all this free food lately at restaurants (i.e. Chilis service was so bad they gave us all our meals free. Mellow Mushroom was so slow we got free appetizers while we waited. I even got free ice cream the other day). I've been doing 4 mile walks which makes me feel good. We're doing a family weekend in Chattanooga this weekend and I'm really looking forward to it. Anthony's gonna come and it's going to be awesome.

And of course there is Anthony. I simply can't get enough of him -- lifes just better with him. I look forward to the evenings and the weekends and it helps me get through the crappy stuff. It's awesome.

I'm not used to life going so well. It's scary. I feel safe when lifes going crappy. I'm used to that. I'm afraid to relax and just be happy because I fear getting used to it. I mean if I don't let myself get used to it, it won't suck so bad when there is the inevitable nosedive, right?

I know, I'm such a pessimist. I've been burned in love before so my defense mechanisms keep kicking up and won't let me relax. I mean this is all too good to be true, right? How could someone so wonderful be in love with ME?

Ribbon Angel

2009-10-12T18:08:00.001-05:00

These are the ribbon angels I'm making my family for Christmas. The design is not mine, found them for sale on another site much smaller for $30.

Jack and Anthony are watching football.

2009-10-10T20:52:00.001-05:00

Jack and Anthony are watching the Michigan game on TV. It's so cute!

In other news: I made two Christmas presents today. Yay me! We're going to do a Thanks-Christmas on Thanksgiving this year so I need to have my presents ready by then. I'm making yellow ribbon angels in support of my sister who is going to Afghanistan next month.

Happy October!

2009-10-03T14:07:00.001-05:00

This is my fall center piece this year. I love it!

The psychiatrists waiting room.

2009-10-02T11:17:00.000-05:00

Yay for little pieces of paper with all your mental problems written out in code. Also, the subject of this post would make an awesome book title...

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Holiday Cards

2009-09-29T14:14:00.001-05:00

Ah, my favorite holiday is coming! Im celebrating by giving hallmark and the post office all my money. Also by humming 'This Is Halloween' while i address envelopes.

Reasons I might be retarded (restaurant edition)

2009-09-29T11:45:00.003-05:00

Incident 1:

I had Tommy's pizza with Matt and Erin last weekend. We all just got water to drink. This is important. THey have a self-serve coke machine. Water is usually a little sub-button under one of the coke products on these machines. And this one had that little sub button but there was a big "X" on it. There was also a sticker proclaiming that this was NOT water.

Well of course it's water. Where else would you get the water? And they obviously have water or they wouldn't have given us cups. Maybe it was just a joke -- some modern art installation commenting on the impurities of city water...

Now raise your hand if that would have occurred to you. Is anyone raising their hands? No, because Karen is stupid sometimes.

So we're literally standing there in public debating on if the sticker is a lie. It has to be a lie. So I pour myself a cup -- looks like water to me! Itake a giant swig -- soda water. Blech. Then Matt points out the water pitcher on the shelf. THANKS MATT.

Incident 2:

Sunday I had Casa Blanca with Anthony and Beth and John. We were sat at one of those super long booths that could jam 8 people easy. Well I wasn't going to scoot that far on my butt so I walked across the bench on my knees. ...And smacked my head on the hanging glass lamp. Hard. In fact, it still hurts.

Moms Visit

2009-09-29T11:42:00.001-05:00

Mom is coming to visit tonight. As usual, we'll be having dinner at Ol Heidleburg -- moms favorite. And I'm so excited because Anthony is going to come with us! I already know mom will love him, so thats no issue, but I'm excited she gets to meet him. Excited enough to post on my blog about it for no good reason ;) Yay!

I know it's easy to praise God when things are going well, but...

2009-09-24T12:50:00.001-05:00

That doesn't mean you shouldn't. GOD IS AWESOME! Yesterday was such a great day. I made some awesome breakthroughs at work and it's looking like my jobs about to get a lot better and therefore make me a lot happier. And things with Anthony are so great. It's so wonderfully perfect in the most innocent sweet way. I've never felt like this with anyone. He gives me "butterflies" -- I get tingly and goosebumps -- and my stomach does flips of happiness when I know I'm about to see him.

We've been on double dates with both Matt & Erin as well as Beth & John -- and they all LOVE him. And he loves them too! It's all so PERFECT. And I'm so happy that I realize in the moment how wonderful it is -- not a regret looking back that I didn't realize how good I had it. I know right now, this is awesome. I was so happy last night I got teary eyed. In fact, I'm teary eyed now. *sigh* God is so GREAT.

And here's the part of the post where I go totally goober and post song lyrics (from Rascal Flatts, Bless the Broken Road":

"Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
Yes He did"

So yeah, I know it might not last. I know the risk. And I know it hasn't been that long... but I know I'm damn well letting go and jumping in.

Chri-mas vacation, chri-mas vacation

2009-09-19T17:21:00.000-05:00

Last night I had a wonderful date with Anthony. Had great company and a great time. I'd say more, but I'm way more excited to post about my winter break plans. At my company, we get the week after Christmas off. And guess where I'll be spending it? In Ann Arbor with Anthony and his family and friends :)

He already booked our flights! I'll spend Christmas in Birmingham with my family and then fly up and spend the next week and New Years with Anthony. How awesome is that? I can't believe he already booked our tickets. And, yall, there is very likely to be snow. SNOW. Real snow! Sledding and snowmen and snowball fights kinda snow! I'm so excited!

He has shown me pictures of Ann Arbor and it looks absolutely beautiful. I can't wait to see it in person! And I'm already praying for snow! And the best part? Week long vacation with Anthony!

*swoon*

It' s a bit terrifying to let myself be swept off my feet -- you know with the constant fear of heart break and the ever-looming cloud of self-conciousness and anxiety over my head... and "wise men say only fools rush in..." but damn...

Eating out of my hands

2009-09-16T15:54:00.001-05:00

I fed this guy biscuits. I like him.

Paper Clips

2009-09-16T13:32:00.001-05:00

I have a bit of a nervous tick / habit / compulsion when it comes to paper clips. I must steal them and reshape them. Is this a quirk or art? And oh my God, am I actually making little hearts!?

Giddy like an idiot

2009-09-14T21:28:00.001-05:00

On Depression

2009-09-14T16:08:00.002-05:00

I read this article (http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/09/14/tf.tell.them.i.depressed/index.html) today on the authors struggles with depression and talking about it. It starts off from the angle of her saying too much to her boyfriends parents, but quickly goes into the stigma she feels and has felt over depression. I'd like to chime in a bit on this one because it's something I've actually experienced a lot of. There was a time in my life when I was in denial of my own depression, I certainly wouldn't have told any one else about it.

For a long time (18 years?), I just thought that I was the way I was. I was sad because life sucked and nothing was going to change that. There was no happy pill; life just sucked. I certainly didn't need a therapist -- I wasn't "crazy." But we all know I eventually did seek out a therapist. It took a lot of convincing from a friend I trusted. I wanted him to help me, but he couldn't and he wanted me to find someone who really could. I remember being in the garage and making that phone call -- it was terrifying. But I called and found out what my insurance covered, I found out who it covered, and I made an appointment.

I went to great lengths to keep this secret from everyone. (Did you know you can stipulate that they not call or mail you? You can make it 100% secret. I was living with my family when I first went and no one ever found out.) No one knew I was depressed, suicidal -- they weren't going to know about a psychiatrist either. And most of you know the story of that first therapist. After three appointments he wanted to send me to a dermatologist for my (not bad at all) acne and a weight loss doctor because that's where all my problems came from. Then I got mad, left and barely made it to the car before I had a breakdown. I stayed in my bedroom and cried for three days. And I didn't go back.

Now that doctor did have a slight point, what I talked about the most was my weight and it was the most superficial symptom and cause of some of my depression. But it was not the root cause and he was still a stupid jackass to tell a suicidal person they need to lose weight because the world doesn't see "THIS" as attractive. (Yes, he said that while motioning over my body). And because of this idiot, it was years before I sought out a therapist again. I highly regret that -- those are years I lost. But eventually I got so low that I went back to the medical profession for help.

The second time I accepted that I might need medication -- just to get me through the beginning part. I saw a therapist every Monday and a psychiatrist monthly to adjust my medicine. At the time I thought it was the dumbest thing ever. She had me doing "homework" you'd give a kindergartner to learn about feelings and self esteem. Yes, some of it required crayons. But basically that's where I was emotionally, that's where I had to begin. I was a child emotionally who had never learned how to deal with emotions -- only I was an adult -- a very unhappy one.

I took 3 years of therapy before I made any recognizable progress. But I did. I took control of my life and lost weight. I've since switched doctors and therapists many times, but I still am highly medicated. I always will be medicated. And I have faced people who did not understand.

I remember standing in my brothers kitchen when I admitted I had struggled with depression for years. He didn't believe me. I told him that when I drove home for weekends with the family, I had to pull over at a gas station to throw up at least once along the way. He still didn't fully understand or accepted it. My mom was a gradual thing. I did not have a good relationship with my mother back then. We've obviously come much closer to the point where we speak every day -- but it took her years to even come close to grasping that I had a problem.

I remember buying her a book on codependency and begging her to read it to try and understand what was going on in my head. She never did. She, like everyone else, still hasn't figured out exactly what my malfunction is and how deeply it has affected my life. How I could just fail out multiple semesters of college for no reason. How I can still fuck up college so badly (I had an anxiety attack about school, just last night, actually - complete with crying). For a long time I couldn't even talk to her about it because she felt it was her fault. So there's a nice guilt trip. But she tries and she's come to accept it. And we can now talk openly about it and she is supportive.

I no longer make my depression and anxiety issues a secret. I've been blessed with friends who are supportive and have even found fellow therapy goers. Most of the men I've dated have been supportive at first. But every single one has questioned my need for the medication -- especially long term. They have all had one point of questioning the need.

Newsflash: I'm not crazy and trying to kill myself because I'm medicated. I have the ability to be happy because I am medicated. It's like saying you don't need pain pills because you aren't in pain anymore to someone whos hooked up to a morphine pump.

And I don't know exactly why I'm writing this -- but I hope that somewhere out there someone is reading and seeing themselves in this post. I know reading Dooce.com and her struggles has helped me be more accepting of my own. I know that when I find out someone I respect goes to therapy too, it makes me feel understood.

But most importantly, I know that when I lived in a black hole, I could not fathom a way out. What kept me going through crap a lot of days was knowing that if tomorrow was any worse, I could just off myself. Thats how depressed I was. And for that person reading who still doubts, here's something only about 3 people know -- I was a cutter. I've never admitted that publicly. I literally hated myself so much and was in so much agony that the only way to make myself feel better was to physically hurt myself. After all, physical pain is easier to deal with than emotional pain, not that I knew how to handle the latter. But there's hope!

After lots of therapy (I still see my psychiatrist regularly), I've come to where I am. I find true joy in some things. I'm literally HAPPY sometimes. I know, right? But I am. I'm still sad a lot, but there are times when I'm genuinely happy. I can enjoy things. I can relax. I can go months without an anxiety attack. I can forgive. I can let go of hate and resentment (sometimes ;) ). I can have a really shitty day without wishing for death. In fact, I don't want to die. How awesome is that? 10 years ago, or even 6 years ago, I'd never have thought this could be possible.

I have a cute apartment where I live alone with my two cats. I date people -- occasionally even finding someone I'm really into who likes me back. I have a great job which sometimes makes me unhappy, but I wake up and go every day. I have FRIENDS. Holy shit, I have wonderful friends. REAL friends. Friends who give a shit -- friends who notice and care when something is wrong. Friends who fully accept me for who I am. Friends that will move furniture! Hell yeah, how awesome is that? And I don't have to fake.

I'm a brutally honest and real person for a reason. For years I couldn't be honest. For years I faked a smile. I hid myself. When I laugh now I really laugh. When I smile now -- as rare as it might be some days, it's because I'm genuinely happy. People who know and like me -- know and like me for exactly who I am. And there is NOTHING better than that. It's fucking awesome.

So to whoever needs to hear it -- there's hope. No matter how shitty you feel, there is hope. And to the person who needs to hear it -- you CAN be accepted for your true self. Perhaps I'm the one who needs to hear that one most of all. In fact, maybe I'm the one this post is for. But it's true. Even when I forget, it's true.

As Stuart Smalley said: "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me."

And to my friends who read this blog, thank you for being an enriching and wonderful part of my life. You'll never know the impact you just being there has had. Thank you.

Not Melancholy

2009-09-13T18:01:00.001-05:00

This weekend was the BEST weekend I've had in months. I got to watch movies and spend most of it with an awesome guy ;)

AND I got out my fall and Halloween decorations! I love decorations! I didn't get to decorate for Fall last year because of the move. So I'm super psyched about it. I even picked up some new stuff at Old Time Pottery.

And I finally got paid and got some new tires for the Civic. The others had worn down to the point of not being safe or a comfortable drive. So paying for them sucks, a lot -- but its a big relief having new ones. Also, the car drives so much better, it's insane. No shaking and safer!

PUMPKINS!

2009-09-13T17:19:00.001-05:00

Walmart had pumpkins, gourds AND adorable button mums in orange baskets. I love fall!

The Sphere

2009-09-11T10:57:00.001-05:00

Part 1

"I am getting strange readings from this floating sphere, Captain."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Part 2

"It appears to have changed colors, captain! Maybe it's trying to communicate. Wait, no, it's killing me, save yourself!" "Spock, Noooooo!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Part 3

Captain Kirk comes to Spocks rescue with a giant spork.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Part 4

SPORKED

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The End

High five!

I am the shit.

2009-09-08T22:12:00.001-05:00

Excuse this post where I toot my own horn a lot, but I want to remember how this feels.

I just finished the stained glass fire angel.

It. Is. Awesome.

I have never created anything half as awesome as this in my entire life. And I didn't know I had that much talent. I've never felt this talented and like a real, honest-to-God artist. People have always told me I'm artistic and talented. But there's always been someone better or something wrong with it. I've never really believed it. But dang, God has blessed me with some awesome talent, I just had to figure out where to apply it.

I fail at so much and it feels damn good to succeed. I mean, I can't believe I made her. That's how awesome it is. I can't wait to show her off! I really went all out and didn't scrimp on any bit of it. And it's awesome! Did I mention the awesomeness? Ok.

I wanna hug it.

The slow process

2009-09-08T09:16:00.001-05:00

Heres a good picture of the angel going together last night. Cant wait to get home and solder it!

I has a head wound.

2009-09-07T22:52:00.001-05:00

Today when I left for lunch (lunch date), I maneuvered nicely out of my front door and avoided letting Jack out. Impressive, no? Well, I did smack my head on the door. In particular I smacked my ear on the door. I checked my cartilage piercings and they were ok, they just hurt a lot so I forgot about it.

Tonight I'm getting ready for bed and find blood all over my ear and in my hair. WTF? So I feel around and break the scab and then I get a bloody hand. Well, fuck. I tore my damn ear on the door and didn't even know it. Right where the top of my ear meets my scalp. What a lame head injury. Gotten while trying not to let my cat out. And it's where my glasses go!

So I'm sitting here trying to stop the bleeding again with a wad of toilet paper around my ear. What a stupid injury.

Making progress...

2009-09-07T16:42:00.000-05:00

Almost done foiling.

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Angel

2009-09-06T18:23:00.001-05:00

This is going to be so awesome.

Too poor to do it cheap.

2009-09-06T12:06:00.000-05:00

Ever since I did the storm angel painting, I've wanted to do a fire angel. I haven't had the money to go buy the supplies though. I'm pretty broke. So I can't afford to go out and buy some acrylic paint and a canvas... but... I do have a couple of hundred dollars worth of stained glass supplies in the guest room...

The work, which becomes a new genre itself, will be called "Cowboy Bebop"

2009-09-05T22:42:00.001-05:00

I'm watching Cowboy Bebop this weekend. I think I really really like this show. I <3 Spike.

I watched the first 6 episodes with Kyle forever ago. This past weekend I watched the movie with Anthony. I had always wanted to go back and watch the rest of the series, but never did. Watching the movie gave me enough inspiration to go borrow it from Kyle and finish the series. I'm about half through now. And it's even better than Full Metal Alchemist.

Putt putting

2009-09-05T18:59:00.001-05:00

I are the red ball.

Melancholy

2009-08-31T22:46:00.001-05:00

I find myself sad today. I shouldn't be. Last week was awful, and today was not. The concert last night was AWESOME. Lunch today was awesome. And yet, I find myself so sad. I tidied up my house in hopes that would make me feel a little better. It didn't really, but it's nice.

I hope I feel better tomorrow. Prayers would be appreciated.

Glory Revealed

2009-08-30T17:24:00.001-05:00

Waiting on concert to start.

Duckies!

2009-08-28T19:22:00.001-05:00

I fed these ducks yesterday - it made me happy for a bit. I gave them tortilla shells.

Ugly Cats

2009-08-28T18:14:00.001-05:00

These are so ugly that I have to own them. The stores closed though :( Must have.

Update: The ugly cats are $35 a piece! Ugh! I wanted them so bad but no way are ugly cats worth that.

Soldered

2009-08-25T19:48:00.001-05:00

Jack apprvoes:

(I love that hes posing)

Mrs Pac Man

2009-08-24T20:09:00.001-05:00

Been working on Chad's wedding present all night. Now my back hurts and I'm starving. I'll solder it later this week. Super happy with how it looks so far.

If you're scratching your head, here's how he proposed: http://www.flickr.com/photos/hiddenpeanuts/3591308306/

Poor

2009-08-24T14:45:00.001-05:00

Trying to work my tuition payments into my pay schedule. Ugh. No idea where ill get money for Christmas presents.

Words

2009-08-23T19:48:00.001-05:00

I've been posting a lot of pictures lately and few words. So here we go, an actual post.

This week passed, it was long and hard and crappy, but I survived! I'm depressed -- tired of rejection and dating. So I dyed my hair. It's red and AWESOME. I'm still depressed, but with awesome hair.

My netbook got here. Did i tell you I ordered one? I decided a netbook was a good, reasonably cheap way to get a PC for school work. We all know I'm pretty lazy. After work and school, I never want to go to the school labs to write my programs. And I can do linux work on my Mac -- but they give us compilers and software for windows. Most of my school programs I find cannot be done on my Mac. So I got a net book. A blue Samsung NC10. Plus it's a new toy!

I took it to work this week and Don liked it so much he ordered one just like it. Another coworker is also considering ordering one. It's got an ultra shiney top which means fingerprints that would drive me insane, so I also ordered a decal for it. I got the "skin" from istyles.com and I LOVE it. I read a recommendation for these skins and holy crap, it couldn't be better. It's super thin and sticky but removes like a window decal. And not only does it take away the finger print problem, but the palm rest decal covers up all the horrible stickers they stick on PCs. "Intel inside," "Made for Windows," "Samsung" - ugh, how tacky. But the "skin" makes it beautiful so I'm super happy with it.

I want a Wii, by the way. Not gonna get one but I'd like one.

Also, the stores are starting to bring out their Fall and Halloween decorations. HOLY SHIT! My favorite time of year! I don't know how long I will be able to resist decking the apartment out for Halloween.

Oh and next weekend I get to see the Glory Revealed concert in Birmingham. Should be pretty awesome.

Sitting on my balcony... Being depressed.

2009-08-23T19:17:00.001-05:00

Sitting on my balcony... Watching Jack eat my plants.

2009-08-23T19:09:00.001-05:00

Driving School: Day 2

2009-08-20T20:09:00.001-05:00

This is just so much fun. All this social interaction. Awesome.

Driving School: Day 1

2009-08-18T17:15:00.001-05:00

*This post is a reconstruction of text messages sent from driving school*

Ah, the court house - everyones happy place.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Too many people. Need klonopin. Anxiety building.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The girl sitting next to me is eating cheetos. Want to die.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Update: I survived. I could not WAIT to run out of there though. So many people with gum and chips and it just sucked. What a LONG DAY.

Gonna be a long week.

2009-08-16T19:14:00.001-05:00

This week is going to be long and crappy. In addition to work, I'll be starting fall semester. Two 400-level programming classes. Yay! And Monday I need to cut my first monthly payment check -- $450. That'll hurt every month. And in addition to all of this, I have driving school! Immediately after work on Tuesday and Thursday (5:20pm - 9:00pm). So basically Tuesday and Thursday I'll have work, class and driving school and be gone from 7:30am and not getting home till around 9:30pm. UGH.

Storm Angel

2009-08-16T17:45:00.001-05:00

This is a painting I did today. I did two "in progress" shots which I think is pretty cool. I'm THRILLED with how it came out.

Parrot Feathers

2009-08-10T19:50:00.001-05:00

A coworker brought these for me to give to Jack. They are feathers shed by her pet parrot. Each one is brilliant blue on one side and shimmery yellow on the other and about a foot long. I feel like I should get some ink and do calligraphy with them.

As expected, Jack loves them. Sorry I couldn't get better pictures of him carrying it around.

Still waiting at the doctors office...

2009-08-10T16:33:00.001-05:00

Still waiting

Waiting

2009-08-10T16:04:00.001-05:00

Waiting around at doctors offices is becoming a bit of a hobby for me.

Florida Commemorative Candle Holder

2009-08-09T03:49:00.001-05:00

Every year when we (the family) go to Florida, we have a set of restaurants we like to visit. And every year someone (or everyone) gets a specialty drink which of course comes with the commemorative hurricane glass. After a while, we've amassed quite a collection of the glasses -- but what on earth do you do with them? I never use them.

This year I decided to make a stained glass candle holder with the logos from the glasses. I used blue glass and a mix of blue beads to do a mosaic style. I kept to blues for the beachy vibe and patinaed the solder with copper to keep with that (blue and copper = water and sand, sun).

You can view more photos of it at my flickr stained glass page: http://www.flickr.com/photos/karensglass

Outlet mall shopping sucks.

2009-08-05T14:52:00.001-05:00

Mom and sister drug me to outlet malls. Lunch is at Cheese Burger in Paradise though.

UPDATE: I spent more money than I should have, but I got some good stuff. Also, Cheese Burger in Paradise just shoved 5 Guys aside and claimed Number 1 in "Karen's favorite burgers." So the list now stands at:

#1 Cheese Burger in Paradise
#2 5 Guys
#3 My own (on a cast iron griddle with Dales Sauce)

Thunder

2009-08-05T10:08:00.001-05:00

Big storm rolling up the beach. I love storms.

Made it to the beach.

2009-08-03T15:38:00.001-05:00

I guess you figured by the picture of the virgin Pina Colada that I made it to Florida. I did. Been at the beach the past 3 days -- not a bit burnt yet (Of course I've been bathing in sunscreen). It's been pretty enjoyable so far. Dad is on his way down now. Read that how you want depending on how well you know me.

There are pictures that have been put up on facebook. If you are a long-time reader and want to friend me on facebook, drop me an email with a link to your facebook and I'll invite you to be a friend. I won't link it from here because I'd like for my family to not read my blog ;)

I miss my cats. There's a cat here that apparently belongs to the hotel/condiminium. Its name is Marcy and it is sooo sweet. She must be living the life -- all the sun and petting she wants. She parks it next to the beach entrance and lets people pet her. Seems to be missing a good chunk of her tail though, so she's not always had the good life. I think she was a stray that just got adopted by the hotel -- whatever she is, shes well fed LOL I <3 her. I let her sit in my lap and purr yesterday until she'd have no more of it.

I MISS JACK. That is all.

Virgin Pina Colada

2009-08-01T18:36:00.001-05:00

Man, I haven't had one of these in years. Welcome to vacation to me.

Getting ready for Florida

2009-07-30T18:56:00.001-05:00

I'm getting ready for Florida -- washing laundry and such. Cars ready to go, oil changed, fluids filled, all lights in working order (Thanks, Kyle!). Tomorrow, I'm dropping my cats off at Erin & Matt's. That makes me sad. Jack's sitting here next to me purring. And they'll struggle and wail the whole way there, and it's not like I want to leave them! But I know Erin and Matt will love on them even more than I do (right?) and they'll be well taken care of. I'll just miss them. Fucking emotional crutches.

So tomorrow I just need to drop them off and pack clothes and I'm ready to go. I hope it goes well. My family is already bitching that I'm driving myself and not sleeping in Birmingham Friday night. It usually gets a lot better once we're there -- I hope thats true this time too.

Crape Myrtle

2009-07-28T17:43:00.001-05:00

I've had this crape myrtle for at least three years and this is the first time it has ever graced me with a bloom. I'm psyched that they opened before we left for Florida. I just knew I'd miss it when they finally opened.

I would expect some sense of accomplishment being three years in the making -- but there isn't any. I'm kinda disappointed with it. Maybe it's all the caterpillar holes and the weird white fungus on the leaves. Or maybe it's the horrible asymmetry it has this year.

At least I know what color it is now. And there's always next year.

Kyle is the shit.

2009-07-26T12:49:00.001-05:00

Kyle is fixing my car. It looks painful.

Update: He worked on my car for 5 hours -- most of it spent in this position. Ouch. I asked him why he was doing all this for me and his response was "because [I] asked."

He ended up truly being the shit. He unwired an after market cruise control, fixed my brake light switch and took some wiring out of the trunk where something had been spliced in. The cruise control thing took a lot more effort than it sounds like. And he did it all winging it. I was impressed. Kyle's got lot-o-skills. And drum roll, please...

Everything works! It's all back to normal and working like it should. Nice, eh?

Great example of Jack 'hiding' - now where could he be...

2009-07-25T10:11:00.001-05:00

I just lay down on the other side of the bed and now hes purring and pawing at my ribs.

Clean!

2009-07-25T09:41:00.001-05:00

Did I ever mention that I gave the cats baths two weeks ago? I did. It went well considering they haven't had one in nearly a year. And I've gotten back to being good and cleaning my house every weekend. I'm not sure if this is a sign my depression is clearing, that I've been putting forth more effort, or just that my house has been exceptionally dirty. Take your pick.

This weekend is a long weekend so I cleaned on Thursday night. So now I can relax and not have it on my back all weekend. Nice! And since Kyle is going to be fixing my brake lights Sunday, I figure the least I can do is get all the junk out of the car. So yesterday I cleaned out the car, aired up the tires, and bought a spiffy steering wheel cover to beef it up (The civic has a very skinny and slick steering wheel, I like thicker and once that won't slip if I have lotion on). Then I felt so good about it, I took it to the car wash and paid to have it washed, vacuumed and cleaned inside and out. Then I put and air freshener in it.

Holy shit, I forgot how nice it is to have a clean car. The radio still doesn't work (need the code since the battery died) but it's all clean! And next week is Florida. I'm not psyched about the family drama so I'm more stressed about it than psyched -- but I've decided that I'm driving myself. I'm not sitting in a car with someone for 6 hours to listen to them eat chips when I'm already stressed. Fuck it, I'm taking my own car. Especially now that it's clean.

So clean cats, clean house, clean car. Surrounded by clean! Makes me happy.

"Cause there's a monster living under my bed whispering in my ear..."

2009-07-21T22:52:00.001-05:00

Jack has the ability to infuriate me some days and then make me laugh or endlessly amuse me on others. I had a horrible day today. Im glad hes going with the latter.

(Yes he got under the blanket himself and started trying to "catch" my hands. He does that sometimes. It's adorable. Sometimes my favorite part is that I can walk past the bed and he thinks I don't see the giant bump under the covers... or maybe he knows I can see him and can't resist playing along.)

I survived another Monday!

2009-07-20T22:40:00.001-05:00

I survived another Monday. I'm impressed with myself. And it's a short week so should be a pretty OK week.

I guess I have two things to "confess."

1. It's no secret that I've let my weight slip. I've gained some weight back. Yes, I have the medical tyroid excuse (no, I'm still not OK - seeing the doc again tomorrow though) -- but who gives a shit? I went through hell to lose that damn weight and I'm not gonna get all fat again. So even though my medical problems are still far from under control. I call a halt to this weight gain bullshit.

This weekend I tossed every single thing in my refrigerator and freezer out. I put everything that was in the cabinets in a high cabinet I don't use because I can't just toss out canned and boxed foods -- I'll take those to a local food bank. Why did I do this? I'm going low-carb (which for the first two weeks is no carb). Atkins, South Beach -- call it what you want. I've compared the various low carb diets and they're mostly the same. And I'll be doing it under doctor supervision -- tomorrow we're even doing massive blood work to make sure my anemia is under control and get a baseline for my vitamin levels. So no worries, I'm not going unhealthy to do a diet.

I started Saturday. Sunday was the worst day as I'd have killed for some mac & cheese. But today was better. I've prepared breakfast omlets to heat up and eat at work. And I've been making extra dinner to set aside for next days lunch.

After I cleaned out the kitchen, I hit up the store and spent $150 stocking up on stuff I can eat on the new diet. I also stocked up on Tupperware containers for setting aside meals (like the work omlets) and bought some kitchen stuff like flexible cutting boards.

Why am I telling you this? I'm scared to death. I haven't done a diet in years. And when I did them before, my depression would get horrible. Plus what if I can't get the weight I've gained back off? I'm simply terrified. So I need support and prayers. I can do this. I just... have to.

2. I've also let my depression and anxiety slip. For a while (a few months) I've just slipped a little bit more towards depression every week. It's been a slow decline, but I allowed it to get worse than I should. I saw my psychiatrist on Friday and she added a new med to my pile. She told me to try it in the morning at first because for most people its a bit of an upper like caffine. BULL SHIT.

I think I slept from Friday to Sunday. I know I didn't -- but my lord. I think I just stared at the wall for most of it. And I already want to sleep life away when I'm depressed. I don't need any help. So Sunday and today I've taken it at night instead (she said I could do this) and thats helped. It'll get better -- I was the same way when I started Prozac.

Even just Sunday not taking it in the morning helped. I had enough about me to really get down and dirty and clean my house. Those bullshitters on TV always say a clean house leads to a clean mind and body. And you have to think you deserve better to give yourself (ie eat) better. So there, I cleaned up - a lot.

So I'd appreciate support and prayers as I work to lose the weight I've gained and to get out of the black hole of depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and STRESS.

Harry Potter!

2009-07-16T19:31:00.001-05:00

Traffic court sucked as much ass as i expected. Didn't have time to finish dinner cause now im at the theater to see Harry Potter! Not psyched that its 2.5 hours, but still super excited.

Mondays

2009-07-13T15:48:00.001-05:00

Note: Believe it or not, I was working when I arranged, took and sent this. I spent most of the day configuring and testing software on ruggedized laptops (you can look them up -- military uses them). Unfortunately it gets boring sometimes -- especially during the automated parts. At least I didn't start posing the star trek figures. I thought about it.

Bits & Pieces

2009-07-12T00:55:00.001-05:00

~~~~~~~ Bit ~~~~~~~
I went to the Huntsville court house to take care of my tickets. Recap: I got a ticket for driving 61 on the parkway AKA speeding. I also got a second ticket for having an insurance card that expired last month -- or as the cop put it "being uninsured." (Link goes to post about it.) Everyone (including the cop) told me to take the new insurance card to the court house and they'd remove the second ticket. This is so not true.

As the cheerful (sarcasm) lady at the court house told me, not having insurance is a mandatory court appearance. I have to be in court no matter what -- no getting out of it. I asked her if they'd drop it since I was insured and just didn't have the newest card with me. (As I explain to the officer, I share insurance with my mom and the new cards were mailed to her. The numbers and everything were still the same, but he wouldn't even look at the expired card. I had the new card with me when I went to the court house) She told me to explain that to the judge and it would be up to him but not likely. AWESOME.

Also, the only driving class available (for the speeding ticket) is smack in the middle of my trip to Florida. She said I could ask the judge for an extension when I see him. I asked for a pen so I could make a note to remind myself and she wouldn't give me one. She went off on a huge rant about how I couldn't go in there and tell the Judge that "SHE said this and that." So yeah, she was pleasant. She did tell me I needed to be there for my 5:00 court time by 3:00 because I'd be in line behind at least 100 people. Gee, I bet the Judge will be REALLY cheerful. AND I get to miss work to be there! Awesome!

~~~~~~~ Piece ~~~~~~~
I finally fell to peer pressure and signed up for Facebook. It's oddly addicting - as is the "Farm Town" game. "Farm Town" is very reminiscent of the old school "Sim City." I recommend it. I've been wasting a lot of time on my farm. A lot.

I will say this about Facebook: I do not like the merging of worlds. I will not be using it nearly as much or in nearly the same capacity as I use this blog. I've got my family as friends. I've got my non-work friends as friends. I've got my work-friends as friends. I've got coworkers as friends. I've got exes as friends. I've got people I haven't seen since high school as friends. Some of these groups (the latter ones) I do not care about. Others though, for instance coworkers vs friends vs family, are very different worlds that I don't like being so close. For instance, this blog shall not be linked to that facebook account because I don't want family and coworkers to read it. I have to be careful about what I say on there. It's weird.

Here's an example: I'm loving this "flair" application on Facebook. You collect buttons which are "flair." This is from the movie "Office Space" though I doubt 99% of the users realize this. Anyway, I sent my SIL a piece of flair with Kronk from "The Emperor's New Groove" with the quote from his little devil that says "I'm gonna lead you down the path that rocks!" -- a quote from the movie. (Link goes to youtube clip.) She took offense and made a public post to send it back to me because she didn't approve. WTF?

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Yearly family trip to Florida is next month. I've really been looking forward to it as it was just gonna be me, mom and one of my sisters. Since it would be such a small group, it would actually be a nice relaxing vacation. I've ben very much looking forward to this. Which is good since the past few years I've dreaded it.

Now I find out that EVERYONES going. Including a part of the family which I feel should not go as they've wronged my mother recently (its moms time share), take up the entire condo, can afford to get a room of their own for the week, and IMO aren't welcome. Then again, I'm the bitch of the family so what do I know. If they even read this there would be massive blowouts and I'd be guilted and made to feel like I should just go kill my family-hating self.

So basically, it went from nice relaxing week on the beach, to old-school family vacation. Ugh.

And the civic needs a good tune up if its going to drive down there and now that I have TWO tickets to pay (see the first bit of this post), I probably can't afford to get it done. Which means riding WITH someone. Which means being jammed in a car for 6 hours -- getting sea sick from riding in the back and listening to people eating crunchy road snacks. This sounds like my nightmares.

Also, I feel immensely guilty for even feeling this way about the family vacation.

Lounge Hog

2009-07-11T19:40:00.000-05:00

My balcony plants are doing great. The cats would spend all day on the lounge chair if id let them.

Also, this little bastard woke me up this morning. Just this week I was commenting (I think to Beth?) how glad I was that my pets didn't wake me up early. I jinxed myself. This morning Jack started walking all over me (13lbs on tiny feet) and wailing at my face. Then when I still didn't get up, he got under the covers and bit my ankle. WTF, Jack?

Flowers

2009-07-11T19:21:00.001-05:00

Bought myself some Gerber Daisies - they're so cute!

Bigger is better?

2009-07-06T15:03:00.001-05:00

I listen to my ipod pretty much all day at work (ice chompers). I listen to my earbuds at max volume hoping for some ear damage but it just isn't working out. Nathan suggested noise canceling headphones. Genius! Maybe people will also realize im listening to music and cant hear them now... Double bonus!