Good things are scary.

I know what you're asking me and I don't wanna give
'Cause it's safe and I know 'cause I've been here all these years
All the precious pain I hold without it there is fear
And I'm afraid when you say that you'll get me outta here

Life's been going really well for me lately. It's not perfect, I'm still fat -- but I mean lifes been looking up. And it's not just Anthony -- things have been going great.

My job just got a million times better and I'm so much more happy with it. I've already paid for all my Christmas presents and am on my way to getting them done. I had a program due today in class -- and I finished it last week. I've been getting all this free food lately at restaurants (i.e. Chilis service was so bad they gave us all our meals free. Mellow Mushroom was so slow we got free appetizers while we waited. I even got free ice cream the other day). I've been doing 4 mile walks which makes me feel good. We're doing a family weekend in Chattanooga this weekend and I'm really looking forward to it. Anthony's gonna come and it's going to be awesome.

And of course there is Anthony. I simply can't get enough of him -- lifes just better with him. I look forward to the evenings and the weekends and it helps me get through the crappy stuff. It's awesome.

I'm not used to life going so well. It's scary. I feel safe when lifes going crappy. I'm used to that. I'm afraid to relax and just be happy because I fear getting used to it. I mean if I don't let myself get used to it, it won't suck so bad when there is the inevitable nosedive, right?

I know, I'm such a pessimist. I've been burned in love before so my defense mechanisms keep kicking up and won't let me relax. I mean this is all too good to be true, right? How could someone so wonderful be in love with ME?