Kyle is the shit.
Update: He worked on my car for 5 hours -- most of it spent in this position. Ouch. I asked him why he was doing all this for me and his response was "because [I] asked."
He ended up truly being the shit. He unwired an after market cruise control, fixed my brake light switch and took some wiring out of the trunk where something had been spliced in. The cruise control thing took a lot more effort than it sounds like. And he did it all winging it. I was impressed. Kyle's got lot-o-skills. And drum roll, please...
Everything works! It's all back to normal and working like it should. Nice, eh?