I survived another Monday!

I survived another Monday. I'm impressed with myself. And it's a short week so should be a pretty OK week.

I guess I have two things to "confess."

1. It's no secret that I've let my weight slip. I've gained some weight back. Yes, I have the medical tyroid excuse (no, I'm still not OK - seeing the doc again tomorrow though) -- but who gives a shit? I went through hell to lose that damn weight and I'm not gonna get all fat again. So even though my medical problems are still far from under control. I call a halt to this weight gain bullshit.

This weekend I tossed every single thing in my refrigerator and freezer out. I put everything that was in the cabinets in a high cabinet I don't use because I can't just toss out canned and boxed foods -- I'll take those to a local food bank. Why did I do this? I'm going low-carb (which for the first two weeks is no carb). Atkins, South Beach -- call it what you want. I've compared the various low carb diets and they're mostly the same. And I'll be doing it under doctor supervision -- tomorrow we're even doing massive blood work to make sure my anemia is under control and get a baseline for my vitamin levels. So no worries, I'm not going unhealthy to do a diet.

I started Saturday. Sunday was the worst day as I'd have killed for some mac & cheese. But today was better. I've prepared breakfast omlets to heat up and eat at work. And I've been making extra dinner to set aside for next days lunch.

After I cleaned out the kitchen, I hit up the store and spent $150 stocking up on stuff I can eat on the new diet. I also stocked up on Tupperware containers for setting aside meals (like the work omlets) and bought some kitchen stuff like flexible cutting boards.

Why am I telling you this? I'm scared to death. I haven't done a diet in years. And when I did them before, my depression would get horrible. Plus what if I can't get the weight I've gained back off? I'm simply terrified. So I need support and prayers. I can do this. I just... have to.


2. I've also let my depression and anxiety slip. For a while (a few months) I've just slipped a little bit more towards depression every week. It's been a slow decline, but I allowed it to get worse than I should. I saw my psychiatrist on Friday and she added a new med to my pile. She told me to try it in the morning at first because for most people its a bit of an upper like caffine. BULL SHIT.

I think I slept from Friday to Sunday. I know I didn't -- but my lord. I think I just stared at the wall for most of it. And I already want to sleep life away when I'm depressed. I don't need any help. So Sunday and today I've taken it at night instead (she said I could do this) and thats helped. It'll get better -- I was the same way when I started Prozac.

Even just Sunday not taking it in the morning helped. I had enough about me to really get down and dirty and clean my house. Those bullshitters on TV always say a clean house leads to a clean mind and body. And you have to think you deserve better to give yourself (ie eat) better. So there, I cleaned up - a lot.

So I'd appreciate support and prayers as I work to lose the weight I've gained and to get out of the black hole of depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and STRESS.

2 Comments:

Blogger Erin said...

Hey Pretty,
I'm proud of you. Let's get together Thursday night?

12:36 AM  
Blogger Karen said...

Arent you working on your paper Thursday night? I can do Thursday or Friday or Sat. Perhaps we could go see a movie even? Though I might try to make a break for the chocolate crocodile and the chocolate covered marshmallow kabas.... want.

12:45 AM  

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