I survived another Monday!

I survived another Monday. I'm impressed with myself. And it's a short week so should be a pretty OK week.

I guess I have two things to "confess."

1. It's no secret that I've let my weight slip. I've gained some weight back. Yes, I have the medical tyroid excuse (no, I'm still not OK - seeing the doc again tomorrow though) -- but who gives a shit? I went through hell to lose that damn weight and I'm not gonna get all fat again. So even though my medical problems are still far from under control. I call a halt to this weight gain bullshit.

This weekend I tossed every single thing in my refrigerator and freezer out. I put everything that was in the cabinets in a high cabinet I don't use because I can't just toss out canned and boxed foods -- I'll take those to a local food bank. Why did I do this? I'm going low-carb (which for the first two weeks is no carb). Atkins, South Beach -- call it what you want. I've compared the various low carb diets and they're mostly the same. And I'll be doing it under doctor supervision -- tomorrow we're even doing massive blood work to make sure my anemia is under control and get a baseline for my vitamin levels. So no worries, I'm not going unhealthy to do a diet.

I started Saturday. Sunday was the worst day as I'd have killed for some mac & cheese. But today was better. I've prepared breakfast omlets to heat up and eat at work. And I've been making extra dinner to set aside for next days lunch.

After I cleaned out the kitchen, I hit up the store and spent $150 stocking up on stuff I can eat on the new diet. I also stocked up on Tupperware containers for setting aside meals (like the work omlets) and bought some kitchen stuff like flexible cutting boards.

Why am I telling you this? I'm scared to death. I haven't done a diet in years. And when I did them before, my depression would get horrible. Plus what if I can't get the weight I've gained back off? I'm simply terrified. So I need support and prayers. I can do this. I just... have to.

2. I've also let my depression and anxiety slip. For a while (a few months) I've just slipped a little bit more towards depression every week. It's been a slow decline, but I allowed it to get worse than I should. I saw my psychiatrist on Friday and she added a new med to my pile. She told me to try it in the morning at first because for most people its a bit of an upper like caffine. BULL SHIT.

I think I slept from Friday to Sunday. I know I didn't -- but my lord. I think I just stared at the wall for most of it. And I already want to sleep life away when I'm depressed. I don't need any help. So Sunday and today I've taken it at night instead (she said I could do this) and thats helped. It'll get better -- I was the same way when I started Prozac.

Even just Sunday not taking it in the morning helped. I had enough about me to really get down and dirty and clean my house. Those bullshitters on TV always say a clean house leads to a clean mind and body. And you have to think you deserve better to give yourself (ie eat) better. So there, I cleaned up - a lot.

So I'd appreciate support and prayers as I work to lose the weight I've gained and to get out of the black hole of depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and STRESS.


Blogger Erin said...

Hey Pretty,
I'm proud of you. Let's get together Thursday night?

12:36 AM  
Blogger Karen said...

Arent you working on your paper Thursday night? I can do Thursday or Friday or Sat. Perhaps we could go see a movie even? Though I might try to make a break for the chocolate crocodile and the chocolate covered marshmallow kabas.... want.

12:45 AM  

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