I hate my downstairs neighbors exwife/girlfriend/stalker

My downstairs neighbor has this ex wife. She has three tattoos - one for the name of each husband -- different fonts even. Downstairs neighbor got the left breast, in case you were wondering. And she seems to think I'm her new best friend. She's told the downstairs neighbors that I went to high school with her and I'm not even from here! She's told her mom about me (her new best friend) and I really really dislike her. A lot. She knocks on my door all the time -- and if I don't answer she just keeps banging. (She wants to talk, needs a ride, needs a steak knife, tampons, a lighter...) I usually only talk to her from my balcony -- shes never entered or seen the interior of my apartment. No idea what gives her the impression that I like her. I guess it's just the fact that I don't ignore her. She's bat shit insane.

And my downstairs neighbor keeps kicking her out and that just leads her to ask me if I can give her a ride home because she can't drive, doesn't have a phone, and doesn't have a friend willing to come get her (I refuse every time, obviously). And between the kick-outs and breakups, she tells me how hes changed and loves her. And then they get into another fight and breakup again. And make ugly and loud scenes. And then they're in love again. And then the other downstairs neighbor tried to rape her (don't believe this one). And she apparently has cancer as she tells me every time she sees me. And she has a career (even though she just helps her mom out and doesn't make a dime) as she also tells me. And shes always calling herself a classy women.

People, you don't become classy by calling yourself classy. Real classy people don't even use the word classy.

So now I keep the lights mostly off in my apartment so she'll think I'm asleep or not home. And I'm scared of the dark!

Oh and shes twice called me "heifer." She's the same size as me and I think she just thinks we're best friends and I don't mind. So I get home the other night from the longest day ever, and what do I hear when I get out of my car? "HEY HEIFER!"

Oh. My. God. She traps me at my door to tell me how downstairs neighbor has turned a new leaf and wants to get married again. And she just keeps talking.

So I tell her, I have a thyroid disorder and am getting radiation for it and am just too tired and all I want to do is go to bed (lie). So first she jumps on the thyroid thing and tells me she has a thyroid problem too and thats why we're fat! Gee, thanks! And she asks me if thats where all my hair went.

Oh. My. God. Like I need someone to point out that I'm fat and have no hair -- because I didn't notice or anything. And dammit -- I thought my hair had been looking pretty great lately.

I tell her I've never had thick hair. And for some reason she tells me I have a great ass for a white girl. I tell her it's fat (being that she just pointed out my obesity twice). And she says no, I probably had a great ass when I was skinny too. I tell her I've never been skinny -- ever. She says I'm lying because I have a skinny face and all my weights in my stomach.

GEE, THANKS FOR THAT REVELATION. So basically, at my door step I've just been called a heifer, fat, hairless, fat, and disproportional. Thanks.

I. Hate. Her.

I think I finally figured out her name though. She kept talking about this girl, and I have this theory that she was talking about herself in third person. I'm not going to test this theory, but I think I'm right.

She reminds me of Leonardra (real name) from highschool and her gang of girls who made my life hell and contributed greatly to my hate of life and wish for death during highschool. I think i'd have been less suicidal without her. I hope shes dead by now. I asked my mom if she died yet (being that this chick reminded me of her) and she said she didn't think so. Shame. I hope she at least got a psychiatrist.

She's also always trying to trick me into saying I've seen her ex with different girls. I haven't but she doesn't believe me and thinks I'm lying to her because I have the hots for him too. They just renewed their lease, ugh. But whats really sad is that this is still a million times better than my last place. I don't think she plans to shoot me. Maybe. Hopefully.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are soooo funny. Thanks for the laughs, but I'm really sorry you have to deal with that psychopath. I know what you mean too about being treated like crap back in high school... been there and it stays with you forever, doesn't it? It's been 25 yrs and I can see how it's affected me.
Take care!!!

1:58 PM  

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