I HATE (*some* -- no wait, *most*) gum chewers.

My reasons:

1. You look disgusting chewing gum -- especially you open mouth smackers -- it's gross, dude.

2. You sound horrifyingly gross. The noise you make makes me wish my ear drum was busted. (And yes -- this goes for you closed mouth chewers too -- I can still hear it). I actually think a lot of my problems could be curtailed if I just had one deaf ear. No really -- I'm 100% serious here. If I only had 1 good ear, I could just have the gum smackers, the popcorn chompers -- and lord help -- MAINLY the Ice chompers -- just sit on my deaf side. Problem solved.

3. For some reason -- god knows why -- you feel like you are entitled to spit your gum out where ever you please. No your not. And you smokers aren't entitled to throw down your cigarette butts anywhere you want either!

And reason number 3, my friends, is why I am home posting on my lunch break from work. Because I stepped in some assholes gum. And I did not realize this before I got to work and sat on my leg -- also my shoe -- and got gum all over my ass and all over my friends office chair. I'm fucking pissed.

Some days I hate people. Enraged hate. And today seems to be one of those days.

*Updated on further thought: I think it should be my right ear. That way I could drive people without hearing them too -- and my good ear would be to the window when I'm driving so I could still hear the police sirens and such.

I think this plan has merit. Though I cannot actually make myself deaf (I've thought of it a few times -- particularly shoving a ballpoint pen into my ear canal as a spur-of-the-moment fix). I need to somehow become deaf on only 1 side by accident. I acknowledge that my hate for these sounds is irrational. Though I also realize that apparently no amount of prozac, paxil, effexor, zoloft, cymbalta, klonopin or therapy is going to ease the intense rage that fills me when I hear these things. I think people don't believe how much this bothers me. I seriously wish I was deaf on one side. And I'm not just saying that like "I wish I was dead" or something -- I want to live the rest of my life with 1 deaf ear. I don't really want it to hurt though and I don't want it to be visibly messed up -- Can we just pop the ear drum?


Anonymous Crystal said...

I'm so sorry you had gum across your ass for most of the day. Your posting entertained me though. Thanks for sharing.

12:42 PM  
Blogger Tel said...

I'm one of those loud gum chewers. P is a loud food chewer. You'd hate us.

7:06 AM  

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