Eagle Brand Honey is a totally legitimate measurement of viscosity.

For the two and a half years since I had my gastric bypass, I've searched for an acceptable protein supplement. I've had all the powders, the shakes, the bars, the liquids, even the cereals -- it all tastes like shit. They all taste so horrible that I've not found anything even remotely close to something I'm willing to have every day. It sucks -- a lot. And last week, I placed an online order for a NEW product. A 16oz bottle of protein with 20 grams in a mere ounce. Just 1 ounce a day! I can drink anything in such a small amount! It was the holy grail or protein supplements. I was so excited that I dished out 60 dollars for three bottles. Life is awesome, right?

The UPS man tried to deliver the package 3 times. He's too incompetent to get here during office hours and Kyle always has me busy in the evening -- so I finally just had to go pick it up. I drove out to the boonies to pick it up -- and I was so excited that I wanted to try it the second I got home. So I did.

I ripped open the package and took out one of the bottles -- it was very heavy and didn't make a sound when I shook it. They must fill them up completely, right? What an awesome deal! I open it up and nothing comes out. I see the liquid -- but it's not budging. For some reason, I never considered that they'd concentrate it so much. What a fucking rip.

I held it over a table spoon -- figuring I could still handle such a small amount of anything if it gets me out of those protein drinks! It was a medium - dark amber-y brown color -- not appetizing at all. And it was the consistency of Golden Eagle Honey** But I was going to drink this -- I was committed.

So I bring it up to my mouth and let it slowly start to ooze into my mouth. It was disgusting -- but I was still committed. And then when it finally got about half-way across my tongue, I vomited in the kitchen sink. It was an involuntary action. This is the only thing I've ever had in my life that was so disgusting it made me throw up. Really. And I've had some nasty shit. How the hell do they expect you to eat this stuff? Seriously? And now Iv'e got 3 bottles and I can't even use it! WHAT A RIP.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Footnotes: ** If you've never seen Golden Eagle Honey - this might need explanation. So lets revisit a time I like to refer to as the "dark years." I was helping my father put up his groceries and he had a jar of Golden Eagle Honey. Golden Eagle is a brand. It was a heavy jar and as I was walking to the fridge, I dropped it. The jar shattered completely. And yet... it stayed together. It was a perfectly shattered jar -- the pieces being held in place by the shear thickness of the honey. It was still in the perfect jar shape. Thats how thick it is. It flows -- it just flows extremely slow. It's like a slow computer -- you click it, but you have to wait for the action. You shatter the jar -- but you have to wait a minute for the result.

3 Comments:

Anonymous Crystal said...

Sorry hun. Can't you send back the other two bottles and get your $40 bucks back? Any legitimate business should allow returns.

1:48 PM  
Blogger Tel said...

That sounds disgusting! I hope you get your money back! Dang!

7:53 PM  
Blogger Karen said...

I've got them packaged up and ready to send back -- just have to find time to get to the post office.

8:03 PM  

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