I'm becoming super stressed out over a very stupid thing. This has led to full blown arguments with my friends on a few occasions. Very stressful arguments. And if one of my friends has ill feelings towards me, I notice. I love my friends. I've gone many a year without a single real friend so believe me when I say: I love these people. I love them far more than they'd ever imagine -- I worry about them, care about them, and genuinely try to do things to make them happy and to feel better when they're sad. Their problems become my problems -- to a huge fault. I love them with all my heart and thank God for bringing them into my life constantly. This needs to be said.
Also, I should not post about this because a lot of these awesome friends read my blog. But it's getting to a point where it is stressing me out to a degree to cause me mental and physical harm because I don't handle stress well. So I'm going here.
Lets have a scenario first to help me with my point. Say there is a guy who is a little off. He's awesome and wonderful and brings tons of joy to your life and you love him to death. They guy is awesome. He freaks out when you say JuJuBee though. like, seriously -- he wigs out. The poor guy can't help it -- there's just something in his brain that wigs out when he hears the word. Other than this, he's awesome. Now JuJuBee happens to be one of your favorite words. You really enjoy saying JuJuBee. But when you say it around him, he totally wigs out and has to go home to be medicated and take a few hours to chill out. But you like the guy and you respect that while it's totally crazy, you humor him and avoid saying JuJuBee for the small amount of time you spend with the guy. Because that's the right thing to do -- you have a right to say JuJuBee whenever you want but you respect that he can't handle it.
Now, back to me. I can't stand when people chew ice. In fact, I can't stand any kind of mouth noises. Gum, smacking, popcorn, chips, ice -- all of it. Drives me insane. Makes my skin crawl and makes my insides tense up. Seriously. If I ignore it -- I just build up this immense amount of hatred and general unhappiness inside. And I get all wound up and pissy and snappy. It bothers me more than a lot. Everyone knows this. Though I am aware that i hate it to a very irrational degree. So I make exceptions. People eat popcorn and chips around me. I hate it - but I can't really expect them to not eat a lot of foods because they annoy the shit out of me. If we're at the movies -- you get popcorn. I live with this. I usually just try to eat a lot of it myself to avoid getting stressed over it. And Erin, the sweetheart that she is, loves some gum. So sometimes when we're together, she'll say shes gonna chew gum -- but she promises to not smack it and to spit it out in a few minutes. Awesome -- I can take that.
But for somereason, everyones up in arms about the fact that I don't like ice chomping. We have friends that chew ice -- it's what they do. And even if I ask them to stop 5 times in like half an hour (yes, I've done it), they won't. I think that is obnoxiously rude and horribly disrespectful. I'm only asking you to not do it when you're with me. I'm aware it's a habit -- as has been pointed out to me repeatedly. I'm told I can't ask people to change themselves to suit me. But you know what -- most people masturbate. And you know what -- thats fine. That's a habit and thats fine. But you don't masturbate when you're sitting in my living room. I'm not asking you to change it -- only to respect that fact that I'm a little off and it HIGHLY DISTURBS ME.
So this has been brought up quite a lot recently -- my unreasonableness and unwillingness to compromise.*** Apparently -- it's gone so far as to have people bring it up to a certain someone so that he can confront me about it. WHAT THE FUCK? It's gotten to a point that when I hang out with my friends I stop to think -- but they might chomp ice -- and it I ask them to stop. Everyone will get mad at me. It's almost to the point that I just don't want to go all together. If I can't request that people don't chomp ice, maybe I should stay home. Jack doesn't chomp ice. Apparently, everyone thinks I'm being unreasonable to a very large extent. I think they are going to stop inviting me out sometimes -- if they haven't already. And I'm to the point where it's starting to give me ulcers in my mouth. As in, the skin of my mouth has been EATEN AWAY because I'm so upset. I never knew that it was so fucking difficult to not chew ice cubes. Who knew?
Tonight, I tried really hard not to say anything. REAL HARD. In fact. I briefly considered taking a knife to the bathroom and cutting myself. I'm 100% serious. Because if I cut myself, I wouldn't worry about it. I'd relieve that stress. I'd think less about the chomping and more about the fact that my arm was bleeding and I've started cutting myself again. I'M SERIOUS. But you know what -- if I'm starting to wig out and my body is starting to break down and I'm considering cutting myself, maybe I just shouldn't go to dinner anymore. Because apparently, me asking someone to stop is evil, but someone continuing to disregard and disrespect that fact that it seriously disturbs me if fine.
IT'S CHEWING ICE.
Oh and back to the *** about how I'm being told I need to find a compromise like I don't ever compromise. You know what else bothers me? Drinking. Everyone knows that drinking bothers me a lot. And everyone thinks its totally unreasonable that I won't let people drink in my house and that I request that they refrain from drinking when I'm with them. Drinking isn't a problem everyone says. Drinking is nothing everyone says. And you know -- it's real fucking easy to say that when you haven't lived with alcoholics. When you haven't had them pass out in the living room and lose control of their bladder all over the couch. You haven't had to drag them from the front yard where they passed out to their bed and then console your mother who is crying about it. You haven't had to lie about it and never ever talk about it because it would embarrass the family. You haven't had shit thrown at you and been hit because someone had too much to fucking drink. And apparently, you've missed all the stories about drunk driving accidents where a man who swears he hasn't had too much to drink hits a car with a bunch of kids in and kills a fucking 2 year old because he didn't think he had too much to drink. SO KEEP TELLING ME ALCOHOL DOES NOTHING.
But you know what? Even after I've been abused and suffered much over drunkeness from people who didn't think they had a goddamn problem, I don't complain when my friends order a beer at dinner and sit their drinking the exact same beer my father drank and then driving home because 1 beer isn't going to hurt them. You know what -- I don't say a word. I sit there and I eat it. SO TELL ME I DON'T FUCKING COMPROMISE while you're drinking your goddamn daiquiri.
I wish it didn't bother me. I really do. And every time, I try to ignore it. And my mom says I should just go to the bathroom when it bothers me. And I know that I'm the one whos gonna get dumped over it. I'm the one tat won't get invited out anymore. I'm the one that'll get talked about behind my back because oh-my-god-Karen is a spaz.
I have an OCD friend and no one says a thing about all her quirks. But Karen and the ice chomping? What a fucking bitch.
I can't believe this is happening. I'm afraid I'm gonna lose all my friends over this. I'm tired of arguing about it. Why isn't there a pill to fix this? I almost wish I would go deaf. And I'm sitting here terribly upset and CRYING about it. What the hell is wrong with this goddamn world. Why is life so hard? Why am I so fucking crazy? I hate feeling crazy...
I need to shut up.
EDIT: And before people tell me to see a psychiatrist about this: I have. I've discussed this particular topic with 3 different psychiatrists. The alcohol thing too, obviously (and BTW, my psychiatrists said it was not an unreasonable request for me not to want to be around drinking, THANK YOU VERY MUCH). Perhaps people who cannot respect my feelings and short fallings should got to the psychiatrist about why they keep doing it despite my requests.