Thoughts, reflections, rambles -- good lord she's pulling out song lyrics.

I've been thinking about relationships lately (not romantic really -- friends & family & others) -- mainly how I form and maintain them. I've been thinking over the ones I have and what expectations I have from them. It's hard for me to trust someone -- that's not something I hand out lightly. And even of the people I trust, I'll withdraw it quickly if I deem need be and they're not likely to get it back. I don't trust people. Note the period. People, in general, are known to suck. They let you down -- constantly. It's quite depressing -- and the less you expect, the less you get hurt when they screw you over.

And really, if someone makes it to the high elite status of having my trust, they don't win prizes -- they get more shit to deal with. Because these are the people I expect things from. These are the people I get disappointed in -- I don't get disappointed in others because, frankly, I expect them to let me down -- a lot. I expect them to fuck me over -- so really I don't care what they do. But if I like you, I get pissy at you. And if you don't think that makes any sense -- here's an example: There are people in this world who can (and do) make me feel like shit -- they think I'm a horrible person and a huge disappointment and dammit, they're gonna call me and curse at me. I can hang up the phone and not worry about it -- but then if one of my "true" friends were to think low of me, I'd have a huge anxiety attack and freak out. Or if they let me down in someway, I will be affected by it. The term "prime culprit" has been used. In a group of people who all did the exact same thing -- why am I pissed at you? Well, I actually had faith for you.

Now, I'm not saying this is OK -- I'm saying this is what the current state of things is. This is observational fact -- not some ideal picture of how I treat people.

So it has occurred to me that I should not punish people with my friendship and trust. They didn't ask for me to let them in. And really -- for most, the end user experience is the same as far as benefits go whether I really like you or not -- I've just changed the algorithms. It's like insurance -- do you want the cheap insurance that reflects your day to day life -- or do you want to go hardcore and pay more for it so when the shit hits the fan you have it -- even if the shit may never actually hit the fan. That's what you get from me. You're paying more out -- and seemingly getting less in return. Sometimes it probably sucks to be my friend.

Man, I suck, eh? Oh wait, am I supposed to be coming 'round to some point or revelation? Yeah, I'm not.

"Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know you're wrong"

That's what I want. I want a best friend. Or, more accurately, I want to be someone's best friend. I want to be the person you always choose. I want someone who hears "Karen vs Betty" and chooses Karen every freaking time with no additional information needed. I want someone who fights for me. Someone who sticks up for me and chooses my side -- even when it's totally obvious to them that I'm wrong.

And I'm not looking for someone afraid to tell me I'm wrong -- that's not it at all.

I'm looking for the person who sees that the ship is going down -- the iceberg has been hit and there is no hope -- even the rats are jumping ship. And they stand next to you and make some snarky comment about how you REALLY fucked this one up -- and then they pull out a map -- cause if you're going down, we can at least say we gave it a hell of a fight. WE gave it a fight. And then you steer the ship smack into a rock and they just point out that that really wasn't very productive ...but they aren't going anywhere.

The person who sits in the middle of the ruins with you -- not to say anything -- just to let you know that you're not in it alone -- and when you're ready to get up, they're there to be the first hand reaching out.

And sure this sounds like standard love or friendship -- but it's not. And no, I'm not saying I'm looking for this exclusively in a romantic relationship. Really, there are a ton of romantic relationships that don't even have this built in. I'm looking for this friendship -- whether it comes with sex or not.

I'm looking for the person who always chooses me. Who doesn't even consider that it's a choice. They'd rather "fight with me than [be happy] with anyone else." I'm looking for the person who I can always rely on -- someone I can trust. And before you cynically say that that person doesn't exist -- no, they do. I'm one of them... I want to find another...

I want to be someones BEST friend. ...I need a sidekick.