Monday 10:32PM

I saw a commercial with this chick in the jungle surrounded by butterflies. They were all flying around her and she was talking about how it was the most beautiful thing she'd ever seen. But you know what -- there's a maximum of butterflies, I think -- where it goes from "pretty!" to "holy shit -- I'm surrounded by flying insects -- AND THEY'RE SWARMING." I feel that she was past that point.

Today was a bad day and I let it get to me. Tonight is a bad night.

I'm bothered by a lot of things. I'm bothered that my mom deserves so much and has so little and that I deserve nothing and have so much. I'm worried that she has so much shit to put up with from every angle. It's not very fair, the way life has treated her. And I wish that I could help ...but I can't. And my prayers for her are starting to turn to anger at God for not helping her and taking care of her.

I'm bothered that I've not done better. I'm mad at myself and seeing myself in a rather bad light. I'm mad that with as good as I have it, there still seems to be so much missing. And I feel that I don't deserve anything I have -- and really, I don't.

I'm mad that I can't seem to please anyone -- not myself and not anyone else.

I'm worried about Tabithas surgery on Friday and I feel super stupid. If something happens to her I'm worried about Jack. Jack really likes her a lot. And they're just cats and I don't want to be the cat lady, dammit.

Last night I laid on the floor because I didn't feel like I deserved to lay in the bed.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I feel that way about my mom too. Ever since my father died, she has been alone and taking care of four kids and all of her siblings who are destitute since grandma died. She is a good woman and she's been sad ever since he died. I can't remember the last time she was truly happy. I just keep praying though, but it makes me feel so ... helpless. Hang in there, cats are cute, and sleep in your bed - you do deserve it.

11:39 PM  

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