There is no such thing as a shark attack.

"There's no such thing as a shark attack. ...cause we live on the land. We live on the land and the sharks live on the water. That's their living room. That ain't an attack -- that's trespassing."

On the "brave" surfer girl who had her arm bit off by a shark -- and how she wasn't going to let it stop her from surfing again: "If a game takes my arm -- the game wins. Hands down. If I get shot on stage tonight, this is my last show. I ain't gonna play around and get shot again. That's your arm, yo. You can't be gambling with your last arm -- that's your last one! These ain't poker chips."

"I'll tell you what an attack is -- that's if the shark shows up somewhere it ain't supposed to be. Like if you're taking your shower tonight and there's a tap on your shoulder -- 'what's up? Don't be worrying about how I got in your bathtub -- you have bigger problems. Like yo arms.'"

-as heard by a comedian (on Conan) who started out pretty weak but had me crying by the end.