Candy is good, cake is better, and when the shit hits the fan there should be brownies.

I've been slowly but surely crashing all week. I'm not sure why that is. Is it Medical factors related to the large quantities of Paxil I consume? Perhaps PMS? Or maybe I'm just not getting enough sleep because I actually have a schedule and business and expectations now. Maybe I'm lonely. Whatever it is, it started this week and I've slowly been getting worse. By Friday I just wanted to cry and find some hidden cubicle to lay down in. Saturday was spent on my couch in my pajamas despairing and petting Jack who so doesn't deserve it. I didn't even have the TV or music on -- just laying on the couch despairing -- I say that rather than "thinking" because "thinking" usually has a reason and accomplishes something.

I keep have nightmares -- the mundane kind that sound stupid rehashed. Some software bug I can't figure out -- or I get fired -- or I break something at work. Like I said, sounds stupid -- but I've gotten fired in my dreams a few times too many lately. And school.

Ok, school might really be it. Friday I had the odd whim to pull up my transcript. I wanted to stab myself in the heart after reading it. I somehow always seem to forget how... bad... it is. Since I arrived in Huntsville 3 years ago and started at UAH -- I've been doing shit. Its horrible and shameful -- why am I even IN college? I've blown more semesters than not -- and even the GOOD ones -- if you can even consider them good -- I withdrew from something. I wasted some academic forgiveness retaking classes -- to replace an F with an F. There are whole semesters blown. Huge gaps in actually accomplishing anything. I mean what the fuck am I even IN college for? Because I have no good options other than that. I can't quit -- I can't take a break -- I have to be in college. But I don't want to be.

About 3 years ago, I lost all my motivation. All of it. Out the window. What I wanted in my life took a complete 180 -- and school went out the window. And I have yet to get it back. Now I've got a great job -- and I'm only taking one class -- and even then I keep skipping it. After working all day I just want to go home and sleep... Ugh. I hate myself right this second -- I want to slap myself. I want a cigarette. I never smoked a lot -- just socially -- and even then I haven't smoked a single cigarette in well over 3 years. But when I looked at my transcript thats all I could think -- I wanted a cigarette. And I still want one. Cause I'm a fuck-up and I hate myself so I should poison my body slowly because I deserve it -- I'm a bad person.

Everyone keeps asking when I'll graduate -- and the answer is just "not for a long time." And what if they don't keep me? What if they don't keep me cause I'm a fuck-up and I'm so under qualified and don't have a degree? Why should they keep me? Then where will I be? In a bad place is where.

You know the guy who started on the same day as me makes 5 times what I make. 5 times. And he hasn't done shit -- I've actually contributed quite a bit to my project -- and he's been sitting in a cube reading documents -- and getting paid shit loads to do so. And yet they'll probably keep him and not me... Because I'm a fuck-up.

A Black. A black clove cigarette is what I want. And then a sharp blade. It's none of your business what the later is for. I can't go back to that place. Ever...

I'm overwhelmed.

2 Comments:

Blogger Lemming Leader said...

You're in college because thats what people our age do, and because from the sound of it once upon a time you wanted to go.

Hang in there. Sometimes the one who does the work is the one they keep. Just keep showing them that you can do it. Eventually doing your best does pay off even when it seems like it never will..

10:15 AM  
Blogger Peg said...

I think sometimes people go to college because that's what they are expected to do. Not necessarily what they want to do.

I have the same problems here at my job. I make the lowest on the pay scale for project managers, and get none of the perks (cell phone, amex, laptop) and it is only strikingly odd ot me because, I am the only female PM, but not the only one without college or skills.

11:24 AM  

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