Bongo's at Chad's house.

Okay, here's a candid picture of me trying to pretend like I can keep a beat with the Bongos. I can't.

I happen to think I look kinda fat and trollish in this picture -- but Erin disagrees, so I'm linking it anyway.

BTW, class tomorrow. I think that people hear me talk about how crazy I am so much that they underestimate it. I've told everyone I'm totally verging on mental breakdown here and I think they think I'm joking.

I'm not.

One day at a time... I can do Monday. Let's talk about Monday.

Erin had a totally deep insight about everything today. She said that when I started losing weight and shrinking and looking all cute that I became more aware of myself and therefore little flaws stood out even more -- you know, even though I'm looking cuter, I'm finding more flaws. Get it? Well now that my life is turning all spiffy, I'm finding stupid things to hate myself for when I should be on top of the world. Deep, Erin -- totally deep.

Now I've got shit to LOSE. Dammit. Now I've got all these awesome people in my life that I love and I've got a great job and I'm the smallest I can ever remember being -- dammit, now that life doesn't suck I'm terrified of losing it all. Things change in a moments notice -- I've seem that happen for the good a lot -- but sometimes it happens for the bad. I'm scared to be happy -- because that'll make it hurt even more when the shit hits the fan. At least if I never let myself enjoy it, I can say that I'd known it wouldn't last -- you know? And my friends are so awesome! And I'm afraid that I'll say something wrong in a minute and then they'll all hate me.

Man does UAH have free counciling cause I need a psychiatrist pronto. No, I'm totally not joking. Help me -- I don't know how to be happy.


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