This is me - take it or leave it.

Ok, so body update, or something like that. I'm now 19 months post-op (RNY gastric Bypass). I've lost about 120lbs -- the scale likes to hover just past the 200lb mark. I'm a size 16 pants (not that I own any), XL tops (the regular XL -- not the plus size XL. Yes, there is a difference), a 36B bra, 8.5 or 9 shoe and a size 7 ring. Here's what I currently look like -- pudge, fake hair, baggy pants and all. I don't look to bad, eh?

I took this picture yesterday thinking how cute I looked -- then when I saw the picture I was distraught at how horrid I look. I'm so lumpy! But you know what, the pudge is gonna be there whether I accept it or not -- doesn't matter how many corsets I have -- the bottom line is... I'm a little lumpy. This is still way better than being +300lbs. Plus, when I can afford it, I'm totally gonna get some plastic surgery and get tightened up here and there. Obviously that's a few years down the line, but still it's doable. And I deem myself acceptable. That's a big step. I'm acceptable now. I'm not a huge fat chick. I'm normalish. I'm lumpy -- but lovable -- and super cute.

Like I said, LOVE the fake hair ;) I'm also wearing some sexy dangly earrings in the picture but they don't show up. And those are my favorite pants. Gap pants. They're too big (size 18) -- but that's a good problem to have.


Theres/Heres me -- and this is probably about as good as I'm getting. I'm almost pretty happy with myself overall. I was looking at my arms in the mirror -- I have a bit of wings, I admit -- but I was actually more amused with it than upset. And I can accept this. Honestly, I never thought I'd have such baggy skin. I had high hopes of having better skin than most people who get gastric bypass considering how young and healthy I am. Yeah, didn't work out that way. My tummy is just a pudge. It would actually be sickeningly flat if this was hacked off. Its very jiggly and sucking in just makes it look EVEN WORSE. So I have to live with it. My arms also have way more skin then is required. That's ok -- it's not like I ever looked good in sleeveless before anyway. My face and neck are splendid and for the most part my legs aren't bad. Sure I could be a lot tighter around my thighs, but it's not atrocious. The worst parts are by far my arms and tummy. My tummy sucks, but it's better than being fat!

I'm thrilled with the new pleasures I can take in life. Sprinting. I can sprint to the dumpster to toss some trash and sprint to my car without being all out of breath. Hell, I couldn't even sprint PERIOD before. Stairs are nothing. That's still strange to me. I walk up 3 flights of stairs to get to class and its nothing. I walk up stairs to my apartment everyday -- and they're nothing. My pants don't look all huge when I iron them. I can buy clothes and any store I want -- thats HUGE for those of us who don't know what thats like. I can go to the mall and buy whatever i want from whatever store I want. Well, I could if I had money. And I can sit indian style at the movie theater. Good LORD. I could barely fit in a movie seat before -- now I can sit indian style. Oh and of course, crossing my legs. Never in my life did I cross my legs. Now I do. I'm like all foldable and stuff. I don't ever have to worry if I fit. Eating out with friends -- I can sit in the booth and not feel like no one wants me next to them. I can totally squeeze into a back seat with 2 other people. I can easily climb into the back seat of a 2 door car. I FIT in the world now.

Rings fit -- tiny rings fit. Bracelets fit -- even the tiniest most delicate bracelets sit beautifully on my wrist. My fingers look so slender -- and my feet look anorexic. I can wear hooker boots too! I'm even working up the ability to wear heels since I'm no longer too fat for them. And old creepy men look me up and down in the creepy sizing up kinda way.

I feel acceptable. And I know that I should be able to say something better than "acceptable" about myself -- but we're baby-stepping here. Acceptable is worlds better than I've ever felt before. And hell -- that bastard psychiatrist told me that I wasn't socially or culturally acceptable before. He'd probably still say that -- but fuck him, this is fine.

1 Comments:

Blogger K said...

Isn't it an awesome feeling to accept yourself. I am four months postop and down 134 pounds and having big skin issues and I thought I was young enough that I would escape it. It sucks, but I love the fact that I am so much healthier and when in clothes I don't even notice it much.

10:57 AM  

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