Drug Free -- The way to be!

Today I had a 10 O'clock appointment to take a drug test for my new (totally awesome) job. Seems simple, right? It so wasn't.

First, most of the people there were just walk-ins -- which is so unfair. I couldn't start work this week because I had to do my drug test first and the first appointment they had was today. Had someone TOLD me I could just waltz in there and make the appointment holders wait while I did my thing, I could have started a week earlier. So unfair.

Second, I don't pee on command. Is this easier for men? I drank a full bottle of water on the way there and hadn't used the bathroom for hours. Nothing. My bladder didn't want to cooperate under pressure. So I sat in the waiting room for an hour and a half to get another turn -- during which I drank over 20 cups of water (no, that's not an exaggeration) -- so much that I really upset my stomach -- FROM WATER. Naturally, I've been peeing all day now that I don't HAVE to.

Also, they have to search you before your urine test. They have to take away all your extra clothes and purse and stick their hands in your pockets and lift up the legs of your pants and just generally totally violate you. I'm not a criminal! Between this, the uncooperative bladder, the other tests (more on that in a minute), and all the medical paperwork I filled out -- I was starting to seriously worry that I wasn't going to pass this thing. I've never done drugs in my entire life, but I was starting to worry that I was going to fail. And I don't even eat poppy seeds, but I've been religiously making sure to avoid them for 2 weeks. Those things can be wrong, you know. There have been lawsuits over it and tests that prove it -- and I take lots of vitamins. And in the tiny room where I had to sit and drink water for over an hour with a camera trained on me recording my every move, I was watching news on the war. And we wonder why Americans are so stressed! jesus h christ -- give me a break!

I also had to fill out lengthy paper work on my medical history. There was an entire sheet of "have you EVER had..." filled with things like "headache," "vomiting," "dizziness," ect. I'm sorry, but yeah -- sometime in my 24 years I've vomited. I also might have had a headache once or twice. With all the check marks and medicines and the surgery, I was like my god -- they're never gonna hire me. I even had to do a vision test, and auditory test (how tiny can that booth be -- I seriously wouldn't have even fit in there before I lost weight), AND a full physical. GOOD LORD. All this for a freaking job? I didn't even have to do a drug screen to work at the freaking police department!

All in all, I was there for 3 hours being poke and probed and watched closely. I swear, somewhere out there there is a file with my fingerprints, blood, samples of DNA, and everything about me. There's one on you too, you know. I hoped I passed everything. I think I did. They SAID I did.


Anonymous Crystal said...

Wow that was alot of crap! I am sure it will be worth it. Most people we went to school with wouldn't have passed it. When do you find out? Call or e-mail me please.

4:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Many companies have this test... I was tested too... and I don't take drugs but I failed it :)
Interesting article here:

11:20 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

5:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've read the article from http://www.cvtips.com/drug_testing_job_search.html and it's interesting but that never happened to me :P

11:43 AM  

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