I feel like shit.

So am I allowed to lay on the floor and sing horribly to old music then curl up in a ball and cry while Jack bites my ankles or does that constitute emotional instability? How about if I just do the bad singing to the loud music on the floor and then move on to the shower for the crying. I could break a window with my new bat. That might help. Sane people do shit like that, right?

Seriously, I'm tired. I hurt. I'm tired and I hurt -- mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. I'm just wearing out. Fast.

Works going excellent. I think I'll really like it there. I've been thrown into the deep end with a lot more responsibility than I should be trusted with and left on my own with no supervision and a huge project. But hey -- at least it'll give me a chance to SHINE. Maybe. Friends are awesome. Better than awesome. Schools going.

I feel fat. I feel ugly. I feel wholly incompetent. I feel foolish. I feel like a child -- a very immature child. I feel like a whiner.

And what the fuck is with my emotions anyway? I mean I'm just DESTINED to fall for guys who have like no interest in me. And it messes things up. Always.

Dude, I'm a mess. And I'm doing better than I have in a long time. I'm kicking ass here. I don't know HOW -- but I am. And yet I feel so shitty. And tired. Damn, I'm tired. But for the past two nights I've been so unable to sleep. Exhausted and yet unable to sleep. What the fuck is that?

Oh, and a few tid-bits to leave you with:

-I say "awesome" entirely too much.
-I mumble curse words constantly.
-Eating alone in a large room full of people SUCKS.
-I think the sweetest gift I've ever received from someone (other than my momma) is a baseball bat - how weird is that?
-Tabitha is awfully cute. Weird. Pointless. A little off-kilter. Big green eyes. Cute. JUST LIKE ME!
-Jack and Tabitha have added a new talent to their ever growing supply. They can open drawers now. The cat treat drawer -- where I also keep the feather duster... and the cat nip. They obviously got very high yesterday and DESTROYED my apartment. And every things covered in little specs of catnip...

I need a few more hours in the day. Maybe 5 more. Yeah. Or 6.

6:00AM - Wake, shower, iron, dress, makeup.
7:15AM - Stuck in Huntsville's traffic hell AKA Memorial Parkway in rush hour.
7:17AM - Discover second nosebleed I've ever had in my life.
7:30AM - Trip and bust ass in parking lot. Hard.
7:30-8:05AM - Wait on other new guy.
8:00-9:30AM - Fill out lots of paperwork and learn about the benefits I can't have.
9:30AM - Take picture for my spiffy new ID TAG! WOOT!
~10:00 - Meet new boss. Get cubicle.
10:00-Noon - Walk around rat maze on tour. Lot of walking. Need map. Feet hurt.
Noon - Nathan rescues me for lunch. Thank you.
Noon:30 - Nathan starts to leave and I make him stay because I'm too frazzled to go back just yet.
Noon:45-5:45PM - Ethics training videos. Lots of them. Lots and lots of them.
5:45-6:05PM - Curse at phone because the instructions for how to set up my voicemail are SO FUCKING WRONG.
6:05-7:00PM - Run to Walmart to fill prescription -- between the driving and the STUPID FUCKING GENERAL PUBLIC, I didn't even have time to get the prescription before heading to class.
7:05-8:30PM - Class
9:00PM - Feet in serious pain. Woobling to apartment. Telling myself to stop bumping the wall. No seriously -- walk straight. Finally accept that bags scraping wall is OK because the door is getting clooooooooooooser.
9:10PM - Take off shoes. Study swollen red blistered brusied feet. Decide that the heels were a bad idea. Remember the tripping in the parking lot.
9:30PM - until shower runs out of hot water - Stand in shower
10:00PM - Realize that I totally haven't eaten.
10:05PM - Fuck eating, I'm tired.
10:10-ON - Flop around in bed because I'm literally too tired to sleep. My feet really hurt. So do my calves.

6:00AM - Ignore alarm
6:15AM - Ignore alarm
6:30AM - Mom calls. Makes me get up.
6:30-7:00AM - Get ready - fast.
7:35AM - arrive at work. Don't bust ass in parking lot.
7:35-9:00AM - steal cubicle furniture and make myself at home. Mmmmm, cubicle home. No more ass facing the door. Nice.
9:00-11:30AM Ethics videos. Lots of them.
11:30-Noon:15 - Nathan rescues me for lunch.
Noon:30-6:30PM - Ethics videos. Lots of them.
7:00-8ish - Casa Mexicana with Nathan and Matt -- YAY FOR MEXICAN FOOD!
8:30PM - shower.
9:00PM check email, bake cake, write this.
Next: bed.

No time. Works good. I think I'll like it there. I have a cube. Friends are good. Tomorrow is going to be even longer than Monday was -- After work is class and then I have to stay at the school to work in the computer labs.


I have to leave for work in a bit (first day at my first real(ish) job). I'm scared. My brain is a jumble of short thoughts like "Oh shit," "This is bad," "How am I gonna do this," "This is going to suck... a lot," and "ugh."

At least my friends wore me out yesterday so I didn't have to stay up all night panicking. I'm having a banana as I type this. Then I'm going to go iron my snazzy new clothes and make myself look hot -- because I like to look hot when I'm worried and scared because it makes me feel good about SOMETHING when all else is lost. Plus I spent a lot of money on really snazzy work clothes. And I'll make myself some egg beaters just before I leave -- protein is a good breakfast. And I think I'll take a banana to work incase I get the afternoon munchies... And tea -- must have tea.

And I'll wear my cute peek-a-boo socks that Erin gave me (it's her first day of work too -- GOODLUCK, ERIN) -- and Nathan will come find me sometime during the day to say hello... And mommas rooting for me. It's nice to have so many people rooting for me...

Still scared. I shouldn't be. It's just a job. A 8-6 job that I'm going to be at all the time. A job I really need to really impressed my bosses with so that they'll keep me past the 3 month "temp period." A job that could mean the difference between living day to day like I have always lived and actually being a successful adult... But you know -- no pressure.

I have class after work too. Someone make sure I don't skip class.

How to replace a brake light / taillight bulb on a new Volkswagen Beetle w/ pictures

The internet needs better instructions for do-it-yourself auto-maintenance. I shall help. Here's a simple picture tutorial on how to replace a brake light bulb on a new Volkswagen Beetle (the pictures are a 2001 model but should be similar to most of the newer Beetles).

If you look in your Volkswagen owners manuel for instructions on replacing various bulbs in the vehicle, you will find one short paragraph telling you to take your car to an authorized Volkswagen repair shop. Yeah, Volkswagen isn't helping you out much. Most of us however, are perfectly capable of doing this on our own. All you will need is a flat head screwdriver and a replacement bulb (bulb type can be easily looked up at an auto-part store. A pack of 2 is around 4 dollars).

1. Inside your trunk/hatch directly behind the tail light is a small round cover (A) which allows access to the taillight. This panel has a small notch which allows it to be popped off using a screwdriver (might require some force).

2. Behind this cover is the bolt which holds the taillight casing tight. Unscrew the nut (B) completely to release it.

3. Now the taillight cover needs to be popped off. It is held in place by 2 metal tabs (C & D). [NOTE: Figure 3 was taken after the light has been popped off -- these tabs will NOT be visible.] Insert your screwdriver under the weatherproofing at the upper tab (C) -- as you can see in figure 3, this is located where the seam in the body is. Use a good amount of force to pry the cover away.

4. Locate the bulb which needs to be replaced. Exact positioning will vary by model year. In figure 4 you can see the turn signal bulb (E), the brake light bulb (F), and the screw that you released in step 2 (G).

5. Grab the bulb attachment firmly and rotate 1/4 turn to pull it out. Replace bulb.

Now just do the reverse of steps 1 - 5 and you're finished :) Total cost of doing it yourself: $4.00

Don't squeeze the cactus.

Today was an excellent day. I love having friends! I woke up around 6 and decided not to go back to bed because I was shopping with Erin today -- and after being late on our last shopping day and blowing off girl night, I was not about to offend her again. Little did I know, malls don't actually open until 10.

I went through my clothes and put up some laundry (a huge chore for me as I hate it). I met up with Nathan for breakfast (thanks, Nathan) and had hashbrowns and chicken fingers at Waffle King. He had A chicken breast, green beans, mashed potatoes and gravy -- at 8 AM. Then he mocked me for putting ketchup on my hashbrowns. Uhuh.

After food, I went to the store to pick up supplies for Sunday -- I'm having everyone over to watch Office Space in honor of my upcoming cubicle awarding (taking place Monday). I'm gonna make broccoli and cheese soup and slice up some french bread to make toast. It's gonna be yummy.

By then it was 10 and time to meet up with Erin at the mall. Erin is my personal shopper (I <3 you, Erin). Thank god for that because I hate shopping. I hate trying things on. And let me tell you -- bra shopping is a very lengthy, tiring, and degrading experience. I ended up with my very first REAL Vicortias Secret bag -- and I paid a lot of money for it. Here's Erins account of our purchases over 2 days of shopping (written in an email to consol me after I called her in a bit of a sticker shock after adding up the receipts):

1 blouse - black and white
1 blouse - black, khaki and white
1 blouse - brown crinkle
1 sweater- cream
1 sweater- camel cashmere
9? pairs of socks
1 skirt (that you look hot in)
1 bra from VS
1 other bra (if you keep it)
1 shoes - black
1 shoes - brown
1 belt - reversible!!

I also got some awesome hair product. I'm still cringing about the price tag... ~340ish. Ugh. But really, that includes 2 great quality pairs of shoes and 2 high quality and well fitting bras. And the tops are all good versatile tops -- the point was to get a lot of things that mitch and match and don't stand out so they can be worn lots. I think we did well. Still plan on finding some khakis though. We spent 6 hours at the mall today. Really. Every minute of that spent in the mall -- walking and looking and searching and trying on things. At one point I was so tired and whiny that I lost my own purse. Yes. You know, that bag of stuff thats so important I keep it with me 24 hours a day -- lost it. I remembered to keep up with the Victorias Secret bag though -- it's all about priorities (especially when the ex-fat girl buys herself a perfectly fitting Victorias Secret bra -- and not one thats on sale but my choice of bra out of all the bras in the entire store -- and then I got the cute little bag that tells everyone that I bought something sexy).

I got the purse back, BTW. Some sweet old lady found it after I was long gone. God Bless sweet old ladies that don't steal your money and credit cards.

Matt met up with Erin and I for lunch. It was nice having lunch with them (thanks, Matt & Erin). Then to wrap up the evening, Chad cooked me dinner. It was yummy and hit the spot (thanks, Chad) -- and he gave me brownies smothered in cake icing too (Chad knows the way to a girl's heart). Then I fell asleep on his couch. Good times. Believe me, I'm very thankful to finally have people in my life. Praise God -- I was getting damn lonely, and there's only so many cats I can get ;)

Drug Free -- The way to be!

Today I had a 10 O'clock appointment to take a drug test for my new (totally awesome) job. Seems simple, right? It so wasn't.

First, most of the people there were just walk-ins -- which is so unfair. I couldn't start work this week because I had to do my drug test first and the first appointment they had was today. Had someone TOLD me I could just waltz in there and make the appointment holders wait while I did my thing, I could have started a week earlier. So unfair.

Second, I don't pee on command. Is this easier for men? I drank a full bottle of water on the way there and hadn't used the bathroom for hours. Nothing. My bladder didn't want to cooperate under pressure. So I sat in the waiting room for an hour and a half to get another turn -- during which I drank over 20 cups of water (no, that's not an exaggeration) -- so much that I really upset my stomach -- FROM WATER. Naturally, I've been peeing all day now that I don't HAVE to.

Also, they have to search you before your urine test. They have to take away all your extra clothes and purse and stick their hands in your pockets and lift up the legs of your pants and just generally totally violate you. I'm not a criminal! Between this, the uncooperative bladder, the other tests (more on that in a minute), and all the medical paperwork I filled out -- I was starting to seriously worry that I wasn't going to pass this thing. I've never done drugs in my entire life, but I was starting to worry that I was going to fail. And I don't even eat poppy seeds, but I've been religiously making sure to avoid them for 2 weeks. Those things can be wrong, you know. There have been lawsuits over it and tests that prove it -- and I take lots of vitamins. And in the tiny room where I had to sit and drink water for over an hour with a camera trained on me recording my every move, I was watching news on the war. And we wonder why Americans are so stressed! jesus h christ -- give me a break!

I also had to fill out lengthy paper work on my medical history. There was an entire sheet of "have you EVER had..." filled with things like "headache," "vomiting," "dizziness," ect. I'm sorry, but yeah -- sometime in my 24 years I've vomited. I also might have had a headache once or twice. With all the check marks and medicines and the surgery, I was like my god -- they're never gonna hire me. I even had to do a vision test, and auditory test (how tiny can that booth be -- I seriously wouldn't have even fit in there before I lost weight), AND a full physical. GOOD LORD. All this for a freaking job? I didn't even have to do a drug screen to work at the freaking police department!

All in all, I was there for 3 hours being poke and probed and watched closely. I swear, somewhere out there there is a file with my fingerprints, blood, samples of DNA, and everything about me. There's one on you too, you know. I hoped I passed everything. I think I did. They SAID I did.

Dance can be a violent thing.

You know, I'm not doing so hot at dance. When it was all simple stuff, I was killing it. Now they're making me try stuff like Viennese Waltz (Wiener Walzer in german -- HOW CUTE). Yeah, not good. In fact, I feel bad for my partner, Nathan, because he's way better than me and I'm holding him back. And last night, we were learning a continuous spin -- where I spin around 3 times -- and dude, my head can't take that. I think it's the Paxil, but I spin around once and I feel like I'm going to fall over. I'm going to pick up some motion sickness pills before the next lesson and see if they help.

Though I'm certainly not horrible. Last night we learned how to incorporate a continuous spin, a shoulder check, inside turns, and outside turns into various dances (Waltz, Rumba, Swing, Cha Cha). I was surprised that (after a quick refresher from Nathan), I was able to remember the steps and counts. It's funny that my feet just kinda remember where to go -- even if I don't think that I do. I'm learning!

Also, I'd like to point out that dance can hurt. Everyone always jokes about the men stepping on womens toes. I can tell you -- I've never had my toes stepped on. They realize when they're about to step on your toe and they stop -- that's never been a problem. I have - however - been thrown, punched, kicked hard enough to leave a bruise, and had my hair clips knocked loose more times than I can count. Seriously. Who knew?


I've been eating horribly lately -- I've got to find some motivation to hop back on the health wagon. I've not gained any weight, but then that's not saying much -- now is it? I eat when I'm bored and I eat when I'm stressed and I eat because, dammit, food is yummy. And lately I've been bored with the not starting the new job yet and not be scheduled at the old job and only having one class to tend to. Lots of time to go... hmmm... I'm hungry (lie), what should I fix?

One thing I'm trying to do right now is to eliminate white bread and pastas from my diet completely. I've done great so far on the pasta. If I make something for myself, I've got three boxes of the various shapes of whole wheat pasta in the cabinet (I still make white for others, because you can TOTALLY taste a huge difference). I've been holding out on my white bread though. I've been eating the wheat/white bread thats supposedly good for you but is exactly like white bread. (I like to make myself cheese toast a lot -- and sometimes for a sweet tooth some cinnamon sugar bread using splenda, fake butter, and cinnammon -- a comparably healthy sweet treat). Now I'm trying to just suck it up and eat whole grain breads. I keep hearing everyone harping on whole grains now and my doctors is ok with it -- but the first ingredient has to be a whole grain. On most of those "whole grain" breads (well, the ones like white bread) -- the whole grain is more like the 6th ingredient.

You'd think with all this modern technology that can give us pizza in the microwave and green ketchup, we could make a wheat bread that tastes decent. For fucks sake, just ground the shit up better -- whats the problem? And whats with the high fructose corn syrup in my bread (something I didn't know about until Erin harped on me about my bread choices)? Throw some splenda in there if you have to. What gives?

I'm currently trying out this soft wheat bread. It's got no added sugar and the first ingredient is whole wheat grain. Yuk. But think -- I'n a few months, someone might say to me "man, I wish I could eat wheat bread like you -- but I just like white bread too much." I gave up soda -- I can give up white bread too.

Also, this is a bad time to say this since I've had a fast-food lunch for the past two days (it was social eating though ;) ), but I'm noticing that I don't really care to get fast food anymore. I just don't. I keep wanting to -- and I'll even allow myself to -- but then when I try to decide what I want, I'd much rather just go home and heat something up. I'm proud of myself for that. I've passed up McDonalds fries more time than I can count lately because I've got something I'd rather have in my fridge at home. Not that whats in the fridge at home is healthy by any means -- but it's 20 times better than fast food.

I've also been on a banana and carrot kick lately. Not together though.

Just thought I'd share.

By Hugh

Shhhh. Don't tell my family.

This morning my upstairs neighbor made SO. MUCH. NOISE. He always does -- he apparently has to be at work at like 5:30am and I get to hear him get ready every morning. He always wakes me up. Always. I hate him as a neighbor. A lot.

So yeah, he's rustling around, watching the morning news, takes his shower. Lots of banging in the living room -- the it sounds like he just absolutely smashes and shatters something on the balcony. Seriously -- WTF?

Turns out he was getting robbed. My bad. That shattering? His balcony door -- the balcony above mine. Uhuh.

Using my excellent gossip skills, I have discovered that it was probably something personal. They probably broke in the front door and just smashed the back door for shits. They also didn't steal a single valuable thing. His computer remains -- as does his TV and all that shit. All the took was some magazines. So if all that is true -- then that's cool. If not... well... don't tell my family. Maybe don't tell Erin either.

Laser pointers: cruel or no?

I just spent half an hour watching the cats chase around a laser pointer. I haven't figured out if this is cruel or not yet. On the one hand, they go nuts for that little red dot. They run their little hearts out and jump on the walls chasing after it -- then they stalk it stealthily and pounce upon it. But it just seems so cruel that they never get to catch the red dot.

I seriously can't decide if I should not use the laser pointer because it's mean -- or if I should use it more because they love it so much. Is it any worse than them watching birds outside the window? It's certainly not worse than those DVDs and TV shows for cats. Any opinions on this out there?

Also, once I get my W2's, I'm going to get Tabitha spayed. I have to prove that I'm poor and then I give this charity a 10 dollar co-pay and they'll set everything up with the doctors office and then call me and tell me when her appointment is. They're gonna give her all her shots and spay her and not ask me for a dime. Isn't that awesome? Erin and Matt found it for me. Of course now that the time has come (almost), I'm worried. What if she gets sick or dies? Or what if she just doesn't react well to it and becomes a different cat -- she's already still skittish. She was a stray for goodness sakes!

And here's the thing: I know that spaying and neutering is for the greater good -- all these stray kittens are breaking my heart and the solution is to spay them and prevent the populations from growing -- I get that. But on the other hand, you're changing them -- you're messing with their hormones and making them more docile because it's better for you. And that seems so wrong some how... I'm putting her through unnecessary pain and trauma and risk of death. And that makes me feel so guilty. I'm afraid she's going to hate me forever for it. Would she rather still be a stray? Sure, as far as we believe, our pets have a great life -- food, couches, toys -- but then Jack runs out the door every time he gets the chance. They want to be outside running around and stalking the birds in the trees. That's their nature. Is it cruel to keep them in the first place? They're not like dogs...


So yes, yesterday I received a letter in the mail... a job offer. Today I called and said "HELL YES, I ACCEPT." Ok, I didn't say it like that. But yes, job offer. A good one -- a real job. The same thing I'd get if I had my degree -- only they can hire me now and pay me a lot less. That's cool with me though.

I'm not making what I was aiming for, but I'm making much more than I've ever made at any other job -- and I'm making more than enough to cover my monthly expenses and such -- plenty of money for now. And I have a title. And a cubicle. And possibly a security clearance. Wednesday I have to take a drug test and then I'll start the next week.

Oh and this has finally spurred me to get the paperwork done to have my associates degree awarded to me from Jeff State -- so I call up this morning to see exactly how to do that... and bad news. Well, bad news that I'm not going to freak about. I've decided my course of action and that shall do. No worries. Long story short -- I wasn't informed that I'd have to be currently enrolled as a student there (there being the community college I attended before UAH) to be awarded the degree. Oh booooo. I've also got to get it done before summer semester. Oh. And I thought I just had to fill out a form or something...

Well, there's more. On my resume, I pointed out that I had completed the associates curriculum and am just awaiting the awarding -- which is true, right? But it's only true if I GET the degree -- if I don't... well then that would become a lie -- even though it's true. Lies -- even true ones -- on resumes are bad -- especially when they actually hire you. Dammit. So -- here's how to fix this. I have to take a class at Jeff State this summer -- any class -- I only need 1 hour to be counted as enrolled -- and I can take it online -- and it can be anything I want because the point isn't to complete the degree -- the point is to be a current student so that they'll process the completed degree. So. I can do this. I can pay a hundred dollars for 1 hour and take some bullshit class online. Maybe like a class in addition or something. Like math 008 or something. I tutored a girl in that -- they were working on negative numbers. So yeah, I'll get the associates, but it'll cost me a hundred dollars and 2 trips to Birmingham. That's worth it -- right?

What is... they're both yellow?

Game time! Last night I baked a cake. Wednesday I have to go pee in a cup. What do these things have in common?

Need a hint? ...I promised Nathan I'd bake him a cake if he helped me get a job...

WiFi for guests

A while back, I saw a post on Boing Boing with the idea of superimposing your wireless network password over a framed print so that your guests could use your network. I've wanted to do something similar for a long time. Tonight, I've finally done it. I now have a lovely penguin print that displays the info you need to join my network when you visit. Isn't that adorable?

Granted, something like this would be more purposeful if it were in a guest room of a house. And granted, I don't usually have people over who want to use my network -- but still -- it's an adorable geeky idea. It also gave me a great use for this picture frame and the penguin print I've been dying to find a place for. I love it!

Idle hands are the Devils playground

I've been falling into a slump lately. I'm only taking 1 class this semester and since I haven't found a shiny new full-time job yet, I've got very little to do all week. Idleness is never a good thing. I've got lots of time to feel bad about having nothing to do -- lots of time to worry about everything -- lots of time to be pissed off by little things I should just ignore.

I have no reason to post this other than it keeps me from being rude and going off on people. I'm taking a moment to breathe and say -- it's not the rest of the world, it's me. And just because 1 or 2 things -- big things -- hugely world crashing things -- happen to be going wrong at the moment, doesn't mean everything won't get better and be great tomorrow.

*Insert forced smile here*

This is me - take it or leave it.

Ok, so body update, or something like that. I'm now 19 months post-op (RNY gastric Bypass). I've lost about 120lbs -- the scale likes to hover just past the 200lb mark. I'm a size 16 pants (not that I own any), XL tops (the regular XL -- not the plus size XL. Yes, there is a difference), a 36B bra, 8.5 or 9 shoe and a size 7 ring. Here's what I currently look like -- pudge, fake hair, baggy pants and all. I don't look to bad, eh?

I took this picture yesterday thinking how cute I looked -- then when I saw the picture I was distraught at how horrid I look. I'm so lumpy! But you know what, the pudge is gonna be there whether I accept it or not -- doesn't matter how many corsets I have -- the bottom line is... I'm a little lumpy. This is still way better than being +300lbs. Plus, when I can afford it, I'm totally gonna get some plastic surgery and get tightened up here and there. Obviously that's a few years down the line, but still it's doable. And I deem myself acceptable. That's a big step. I'm acceptable now. I'm not a huge fat chick. I'm normalish. I'm lumpy -- but lovable -- and super cute.

Like I said, LOVE the fake hair ;) I'm also wearing some sexy dangly earrings in the picture but they don't show up. And those are my favorite pants. Gap pants. They're too big (size 18) -- but that's a good problem to have.

Theres/Heres me -- and this is probably about as good as I'm getting. I'm almost pretty happy with myself overall. I was looking at my arms in the mirror -- I have a bit of wings, I admit -- but I was actually more amused with it than upset. And I can accept this. Honestly, I never thought I'd have such baggy skin. I had high hopes of having better skin than most people who get gastric bypass considering how young and healthy I am. Yeah, didn't work out that way. My tummy is just a pudge. It would actually be sickeningly flat if this was hacked off. Its very jiggly and sucking in just makes it look EVEN WORSE. So I have to live with it. My arms also have way more skin then is required. That's ok -- it's not like I ever looked good in sleeveless before anyway. My face and neck are splendid and for the most part my legs aren't bad. Sure I could be a lot tighter around my thighs, but it's not atrocious. The worst parts are by far my arms and tummy. My tummy sucks, but it's better than being fat!

I'm thrilled with the new pleasures I can take in life. Sprinting. I can sprint to the dumpster to toss some trash and sprint to my car without being all out of breath. Hell, I couldn't even sprint PERIOD before. Stairs are nothing. That's still strange to me. I walk up 3 flights of stairs to get to class and its nothing. I walk up stairs to my apartment everyday -- and they're nothing. My pants don't look all huge when I iron them. I can buy clothes and any store I want -- thats HUGE for those of us who don't know what thats like. I can go to the mall and buy whatever i want from whatever store I want. Well, I could if I had money. And I can sit indian style at the movie theater. Good LORD. I could barely fit in a movie seat before -- now I can sit indian style. Oh and of course, crossing my legs. Never in my life did I cross my legs. Now I do. I'm like all foldable and stuff. I don't ever have to worry if I fit. Eating out with friends -- I can sit in the booth and not feel like no one wants me next to them. I can totally squeeze into a back seat with 2 other people. I can easily climb into the back seat of a 2 door car. I FIT in the world now.

Rings fit -- tiny rings fit. Bracelets fit -- even the tiniest most delicate bracelets sit beautifully on my wrist. My fingers look so slender -- and my feet look anorexic. I can wear hooker boots too! I'm even working up the ability to wear heels since I'm no longer too fat for them. And old creepy men look me up and down in the creepy sizing up kinda way.

I feel acceptable. And I know that I should be able to say something better than "acceptable" about myself -- but we're baby-stepping here. Acceptable is worlds better than I've ever felt before. And hell -- that bastard psychiatrist told me that I wasn't socially or culturally acceptable before. He'd probably still say that -- but fuck him, this is fine.

They're out there...

Tonight, I again heard a cat wailing outside. I tried to resist the urge to make sure it was ok -- I really tried. After all, no good could possibly come from me going out there and seeing a poor helpless cat meow at me -- no good. I tried. I couldn't resist.

When I opened the door, I saw a grey cat -- obviously someones cat. He was big and fat and wearing a flea collar. He was sitting in the landscaping directly in front of my door. I approached him calling sweetly and caught a shimmer in the corner of my vision. It was a cat's eye. An eye attached to another cat. Who was sitting by another cat... who was sitting by 4 more cats. Six huge fat cats -- some with collars -- sitting outside my door. Five of them were lined up on the wall and the sixth was sitting in front of them... meowing at me. I'm going to be honest: it scared me a little.

Obviously, I went right back inside and locked the door. Gang of creepy cats calling to me = horror movie type stuff. Jack and Tabitha weren't even in the window -- they couldn't have cared less -- they were both sleeping on the sofa. That's really messed up.

I contemplated the freakiness of the situation and decided that I should take a picture to show everyone just how messed up this was. But when I opened the door again -- nothing was there. Not a single cat. Nothing. Then when I closed the door, I could still hear a cat wailing. I locked the door again and after a moments pause, decided to find them -- I could HEAR them. I couldn't find them. It's just like a nondirectional wailing sound...

I'm kinda seriously a little freaked out by the whole thing.

"Old school before 'old school' was cool"

18x24 inches | Acrylic on canvas | Signed first in series

I'm considering selling it -- and if there is much interest, it will be part of a series. Otherwise, it shall hang in my hall because I kinda fell in love with it already...

My favorite purchase of the new year.

About two weeks ago I made a purchase. A purchase I'm very happy with. I bought... Fake hair. Yes, a hair piece. And I love it. I'm tired of not having hair -- now I have hair and no one has to know it's not my REAL hair ;)

I was at the mall with Erin and my momma when I saw this booth with a lady selling fake hair. I told them how I had seen some on HSN at 4am and was convinced that I needed some. To my surprise, they didn't make fun of the idea -- they had both considered it before as well. So I jokingly started playing with it -- and lord help, it actually looked really good. They both agreed. It looked great -- and real. (It's a hair clip -- that just happens to have curls already spilling out of it). I didn't get it though even though they both told me I totally should -- I wasn't sure if they were just saying that or not.

Then I was at the mall with Kelli -- and I showed it to her. And got even MORE approval. So yeah, 100% good reactions, I purchased some. I've worn it nearly every day since then. It blends perfectly with the curls I already have -- there's just more of them now. Heidi even complimented me on my hair -- and had no idea it wasn't real -- and she used to do hair for a living! When I showed her she was just stunned.

I have hair. Even if it's not my REAL hair... I have hair. And the scale is just about to never hit 200 again -- it's so close... I look good.

"Bad Cat"

Part of my Christmas present from my sister this year was a "Bad Cat" calendar. I'm sure you've seen the "Bad Cat" and "Bad Dog" books -- well they have calendars and other merchandise too. Anyway, inside there is an entry form for you to send pictures of your cats in to possibly make it into the next calendar. Well. That's just too much to resist. I've looked through my photo libraries and found about 20 great and totally applicable pictures. How many should I send? Do I have a bigger chance if I send a bunch or do they stand out more if I just send 3 really great ones... I really think Jack might have a chance here...


I'm craving some Ramen noodles. Chicken Ramen noodles -- with all the liquid drained off. I never drink the liquid. Just the noodles, please.

It's not often that one has a craving for something that costs a mere ten cents. I should totally take advantage of this. Would it be frowned upon to go to the store with a quarter and just buy 2 packages of Ramen noodles? Should I be embarrassed by that? I have a piggy bank...

I love that cat.

Jack just came over while I was typing on the computer and stole the drinking straw from my glass. He was then so pleased with his treasure that he ran away with it down the hall.

Lord help, hes so cute.

He has some head trauma. I've hesitated to post that because I feel so horribly bad about it. He and Tabitha get rough when they play with each other sometimes and just before I left for Birmingham last week, she nicked him above his eye. It was nothing -- barely a dot on his skin. Then when I came back a week later, he looked like someone had shoved a marble under his eye lid. And thanks to Tabithas constant licking (AKA sandpapering), the tiny nick had become a nickle-sized scab -- and very swollen one at that. I was horrified -- my neighbor had been watching them for me and she hadn't mentioned anything about this -- he could barely open his eye!

Am I wrong to think she should have called me to let me know? Then if I chose to do nothing, the fact that it was allowed to get so bad would be on my head. Instead, I came home and immediately noticed that my precious emotional crutch cat couldn't even open his eye. I'm still horrified by it. I feel like such a bad owner. I also don't have a single cent to take him to the vet. I've got pocket change -- not even a whole dollar. So I've been treating it constantly with peroxide and anti-bacterial cream. The swellings gone down almost completely and the skin around it is no longer inflamed, but hes still got a huge scab above his eye. And Tabith just won't quit trying to clean it for him. I have to stay on top of her to keep her away.

And now I'm too ashamed to ask anyone over because I'm afraid they'll see Jack and think I'm a horrible person. Thank you for letting me get that off my shoulders.

I'm trying to develop the compulsion to clean.

It's not taking. That doctor that thought I might be OCD was so full of shit.

Must(n't?). Eat. Oreo.

I can't sleep. Too much to think about. Tomorrow classes start -- new people -- gotta go to class, gotta do my work, gotta pretend to be super confident and a people person. *SMILE!*

I also have an interview tomorrow. A big interview. A real interview. Like a hardcore real job interview. I researched the company and looked at their job openings. They all require years of experience. Why the hell did they ask to interview me? I don't have a "minimum of 3 years experience." I was feeling great about the interview until I looked at their job listings. I'm so under qualified.

Can't. Sleep.

The "RESTRICTED files" drawer doesn't just look locked -- it really is.

Don't ask me how or why I know that.

Dreams are weird

So I had this dream last night about a evil Korean Ninja who was hired by rebel Nazis to kill every single person in this school. Every single one. And he was scary as all hell, I promise you. He’d hunt you down and you had no hope – and he’d toy with you like you had a chance, but you didn’t. And you knew who was going to be killed next because they’d start to fade away. Not that that really has anything to do with anything, but it was a part of the dream.

He killed in this order too – he’d walk around calling out numbers as he went – the order of who he was going to kill. And he could sense where people were even if they were hiding – so he’d walk by and go 23… 24… It was another way he toyed with us.

Long scary, terrifying story short – me and someone else “got away” and were running through the woods. But we hadn’t really gotten away – he had made a trap for us and was herding us to the Nazi rebel forces – we finally got to this clearing and their was a fire burning and we realized that this is exactly what he wanted us to do and that we were going to be killed – and then it kinda just ended and left you hanging – but knowing that we died.

I say all this because that was the context of the dream. But at some weird point, I had to go to a bathroom – there were 4 bathrooms. They weren’t labeled as “men” and “women” they were labeled computer geek terms. And I was standing in front of the “geek” bathroom – but I didn’t know if that was the one I was supposed to use – how do I know what bathroom I’m supposed to use? And really, I shouldn’t have cared – being that a killer ninja was hunting me – but I did care.

Dreams are weird like that.

Thought for the morning

How come when bread gets stale it gets hard -- but when crackers get stale they get soft?

Hip-hip Hooray!

Man, I am down today. Sad and depressed -- I guess I just had a lot of time to think because work was slow (being a holiday and all). It doesn't really have anything to do with the holiday or the new year -- maybe more to do with the new semester and all the changes it's bringing ...be them bad or bad. And I look back at my past and I'm just not happy with it. A lot of people have done me wrong -- which should really be stated more like I have allowed a lot of people to treat me badly and I have taken it personally every single time.

And seriously, all these romantic chick flicks are doing me no good. I've watched "the Wedding Date" 3 times now.

"I'm allergic to fabric softener, I majored in comparative literature at Brown -- I hate anchovies... and I think I'd miss you even if we'd never met."

*SWOON* ... *tear*

You know my mom told me about a story she saw on the Today show about the effect these kinds of movies were having on people -- giving us unrealistic expectations and depressing people. So at least I'm not the only one who gets all emotional and excited during a romantic movie only to fall into a puddle of self pity an hour later.

And dude, the puerto rican (BTW, saw your IP address in my logs -- you suck. Hope that cold totally mowed you over. Ok, well see then I say things like that and I feel bad. But dammit -- boo to you) was way hotter than Jude Law in "the Holiday" AND Dermot Mulroney in "the Wedding Date" -- and believe me, not only is that saying a lot -- but it's 100% true. So I used to watch a steamy scene like that and bitterly say how unrealistic it was. Not only would a guy that hot not be doing that -- but dude, why doesn't shit like that happen to me? But see now, NOW, I can't even say that anymore. Because not only was it that steamy and the guy that hot -- but jesus christ, he tasted like a sexy puerto rican candy cane to top it all off. And I don't know where I'm going with this but damn. Just damn.

Real life is a constant disappointment for me. And I want to say: "when's it all going to click -- when's my boat gonna come along -- when will I get my fairy tale." But you know what... I don't think that's going to happen. I think it's going to just keep sucking this much -- probably even worse.

You see -- I'm just down today. And I'm about to go spend the weekend in Birmingham with my family who always makes me sooooo happy (yes thats sarcasm, common -- that one was obvious). So really this weeks only going to look up from here. *SMILE*

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