Life is not a circle -- it's a triangle.

Are you familiar with the CODA Victim > Rescuer triangle? There's victim, rescuer, and prosecutor -- and we move between these roles by always trying to be the "rescuer" -- we jump in to rescue someone without being asked and we give so much of ourselves up that we become the victim which doesn't take long to build up enough resentment to be the prosecutor. Take my word for it, I've done lots of therapy and CODA (codependants anon, for yall not in the know) and hell, I've lived it for 24 years -- I know what I'm talking about.

Well obviously, the family of codependants and dependants that bred my ass is full of codependants. Difference is, they're all in total denial about it. I finally got my mom to read one of my group books to try and understand where I'm coming from -- and she thinks its great for me but that she doesn't need it. One of my sisters is hitting AA pretty hard so she's read the same books -- and my other sister is in TOTAL denial. I've told her she should read them and she says she doesn't need to. Uhuh... That's so laughable.

She's deep into the whole Codenpendancy thing (hey, not knocking -- she can't help it). She lives with Dad and dads a controller. Dad's also really fucked up and half dead -- and she feels that it's her responsibility to take care of him. So she's decided to scrap her plans of finally moving out of his house -- she sacrificing every second of every day to be there for him. See how she jumped into rescuer? She took it all on herself. But now shes furious that the rest of us aren't doing the same. It's all been shoved on her -- she's losing everything and we won't even help. (This is why I'm currently hated and condemned to hell -- because I'm in Huntsville doing my thing instead of being dads personal hospice nurse). So she quickly went into victim role -- obviously, she's pulling the shit end of the stick -- but she put herself there, I didn't have anything to do with it. So now she's in full on persecutor roll. Let me tell you, I'm not her favorite person right now. It's lose/lose -- everything I say or do is wrong -- and if I don't say or do something, that's wrong too. I'm pretty much spawn of Satan who supposedly hates the family at the moment.

And you know what? I feel really bad about it. It's pulling a big emotional whammy on me. My codependant self -- and family -- is making me feel that I'm responsible for dad. That I should drop everything in my life -- leave huntsville and take care of him. Even though I've not been asked -- he's family -- he's my father, I should sacrifice myself and my life because if there's anything I could possibly do for him 00 I should do it. And the fact that he's in the hospital and I can't do anything doesn't matter -- I should be there agonizing in the waiting room and sleeping in his hospital room to make sure he has anything I need. Hell, I should be camped out in a hospital waiting room -- period. And I'm not. I'm in Huntsville. Today I slept late and tonight I'm going to go play games with my friends. And tomorrow I'm going to sleep late and go to dance lessons and maybe a movie. And because of this -- I have been condemned as a traitor, a bitch, a bad christian, and someone who sure as fuck doesn't give a shit about my family. So I feel really bad.

Now pause. Look at how I'm already turning myself into the victim. See how it works? I'm telling you, this triangle is fucking genius and spot on. And then I prosecute my family for making me the victim. Can you IMAGINE the horrible Codependant mess I would become and contribute to by going home? Exactly.

And yeah, I hate my sister. That's why I spent a few hours last night making her a chocolate covered oreo flower arrangement to give to her after I drive 2 hours home to go to her graduation ceremony and drive 2 hours back here because I have to work this weekend. But you know what? It doesn't matter that I'm coming home for her -- because I should have come home earlier in the week and taken care of dad and been with the family. And I should stay later -- I should call out of work and stay there. And hell, she'll find something wrong with the oreos too. I shouldn't have spent the money or taken the time -- or shell be on a diet and won't eat them. *sigh* It's all lose/lose.

Seriously, this is why I'm crazy. And I've got a lot of other shit going on in my life right now. I'm probably having to drop out of college and find a full time job -- love and sex troubles. And lord knows I'm still a walking stress ball whos psych meds still need switching around. Paxils doing great for my depression but my anxiety is killer. She's thinking of putting me on Prozac. We'll see.

I'm told that some of you like my blog because I'm "real." But really, I just feel like I'm bitching. I'm huddled in the victim corner of the triangle. Dammit -- there isn't a good side of the triangle LOL

I'm gonna make some chocolate covered peanut butter balls and then go have hot chocolate with my friends and try to be happy.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

don't take on the guilt. You aren't responsible for other people...only yourself.

10:16 AM  

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