Sionara 2006!

Happy New Year! Time to say goodbye to 2006 and ring in 2007. Let's all practice drawing a 7 now. Uhuh -- line to the right, diagonal down and to the left. Uhuh, good.

So I guess now is when we reflect on the past year and set goals for the new. I never really get into the resolution thing and that works for me. As far as reflections...

+ 2006: the year I got my BEETLE
+ 2006: the year I moved into my own place

I also lost even more weight this year, got my 2 fuzz-balls and made some great friends. As far as plans for next year, I'd like to just advance myself further. I've been making lots of progress these past few recent years, so I wanna work on that. I want to lose a tad more weight, and become a tad more sane and emotionally stable (great resolution, isn't it? Yes, you can borrow that with proper credit given). I want to make some progress towards my career goals as well -- be that in education and hopefully in job experience (which will also afford me my rent -- woo!) as well. And MOST IMPORTANTLY, I want to enjoy it. Even if the year sucks -- I want to find something about it to enjoy -- movies or games or something. Life is what you make it -- here's to making it good. *CHEERS*

Christmas is gone.

Christmas has now been packed up in three large boxes and stored in my hall closet. Kinda depressing. There's a huge empty spot where the tree was and my table looks so drab. I've replaced the adorable penguins with plain glass salt and pepper shakers. And it just won't be as nice walking up to my door without the lights and wreath -- and the jingle bells. But as my mother tells me, it wouldn't be so special if you had it out all year.

The cats had a tad of a freak out with all the boxes and changes happening. Of course they also enjoyed playing hide and seek with all the boxes and bubble wrap. And they were absolutely no help with the wrestling of the tree.

My arms are covered in scratches from making a 7 x 4 foot tree fit into a 5 x 1 & 1/2 foot box. After that little bit of fun, I had to sit down with a bottle of water and catch my breath. I'm already finished up with it all before noon. Everything's been boxed up and stacked in the closet. The trash has been taken out -- and the carpets vacuumed. I decided to do it all fast in one fell swoop -- like ripping off a band-aid, you know. Still sucks. I really love the Christmas season. I love the shopping and carols -- the lights and the decorations. I'm really sad to see it all go. But as my mother tells me, it wouldn't be so special if it lasted all year. *sigh*

Stupid questions Meme (hey, I like them in moderation)

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought? I'm awfully cute
2. How much cash do you have on you? ~$20
3. What’s a word that rhymes with “DOOR?” poor (yep, that's me)
4. Favorite planet? Saturn (It's pretty)
5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone? Erin
6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone? The most normal sounding one -- which still doesn't sound like a normal ring. Why can't the phone just RING. *ring ring* -- why is this too much to ask?
7. What shirt are you wearing? Purple V-Neck from Target
8. Do you “label” yourself? I'm not sure what this means -- but probably yes. I like to lable myself as a crazy bitch to lower peoples expectations. I'm tired of being a disappointment -- let's go ahead and aim low.
9. Name the brand of the shoes you’re currently wearing? I'm in my socks -- I've got some Clarks my mom gave me. I wear mostly generic shoes
10. Bright or Dark Room? Bright
11. TBA
12. What does your watch look like? It's a thin silver watch with a pink face that I got for 6 bucks at Walmart. Havn't been able to find a watch I like.
13. What were you doing at midnight last night? Sleeping -- probably snoring and drooling too.
14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say? Don't feel like getting my phone -- probably either Steph consoling my anger over working Christmas or Steph saying she'd give me a call in a minute.
15. Where is your nearest 7-11? No idea -- I don't think there are any around here
16. Whats a word that you say a lot? "Alright" or "hey" - both of which are involved in pretty much every phone conversations I have.
17. Who told you he/she loved you last? My mom
18. Last furry thing you touched? Jack *reaches over and rubs his head*
19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days? I don't do drugs. I take Paxil though -- does that count?
20. How many rolls of film do you need developed? 0 Mmmmm digital.
21. Favorite age you have been so far? Sometime before I knew what was going on. Maybe when I was 5 or something.
22. Your worst enemy? Myself
23. What is your current desktop picture? A green Volkswagen Beetle
24. What was the last thing you said to someone? My neighbor called to ask about returning my key and I asked her if she'd keep it and watch Jack and Tabitha for me next week.
25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be? I'd fly -- hands down.
26. Do you like someone? Don't I always? I'm doomed to like people who don't like me back forever
27. The last song you listened to? Something by Janie Porche
28. What time of day were you born? No idea
29. Whats your favorite number? 0
30. Where did you live in 1987? 312 Lance Way; Birmingham Al 35206 (Big house I lived in when I was little with my momma -- we lost it when we declared bankruptcy
31. Are you jealous of anyone? Everyone whos found true love...
32. Is anyone jealous of you? Yes -- never understood why
33. Where were you when 9/11 happened? At home getting ready for a Chemistry test at Jeff State
34. What do you do when vending machines steal your money? Hit all the buttons
35. Do you consider yourself kind? Yes, very
36. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be? I've got too much saggy skin to be getting tattoos
37. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be? Spanish -- and I'd be all sexy when I spoke it
38. Would you move for the person you loved? Of course
39. Are you touchy feely? I'd very much like to be
40. What’s your life motto? Dear God help me.
41. Name three things that you have on you at all times? When I leave the house: wallet, keys, cell phone
42. What’s your favourite town/city? Don't have one at the moment
43. What was the last thing you paid for with cash? At New York and Co I had to pay the balance over the gift card I had -- I got some earrings and a great sweater. They had a great pair of jeans -- SIZE 16 -- but I could only get one or the other and the sweater was just too perfect
44. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it? I send cards lots -- but letters? No. Email is better
45. Can you change the oil on a car? Yes
46. Your first love: what is the last thing you heard about him/her? I'm having trouble defining first love -- did they have to love me back?
47. How far back do you know about your ancestry? Not very far -- 1 generation, maybe 2
48. The last time you dressed fancy, what did you wear and why did you dress fancy? I don't have any fancy clothes anymore...
49. Does anything hurt on your body right now? My hip.
50. Have you been burned by love? Of course
51. Do you have a crush on any bloggers? Nope
52. Where would you like to live? Where ever the road takes me

Summary: Karen whining.

As you may or may not know, Thursday night is girl night. This is because Grey's Anatomy comes on Thursday so we like to get together and shush at each other every time someone makes a sound that might get in the way of hearing Patrick Dempsey say something witty. And if I have to turn my head to shush you and miss a flick of his hair or killer smile, then woe is you. Also, as you may or may not know, Grey's Anatomy isn't coming on again until the new year. Pity. Because of this, girl night has become movie night.

This Thursday, I suggested my latest NetFlix -- "The Wedding Guest." (BTW, last Thursday was "The Holiday." *swoon*) I've been watching a lot of sappy romances lately -- probably to rub in my lonely desperately single existence. Kelli and Erin are married -- so they watch sappy romances and then go home to snuggle with their Husbands. I go home to my cat and cry because Jack Black isn't singing stupid songs just to make me smile.

So yeah, this weeks sappy romance is being delivered straight to my mailbox compliments of NetFlix -- one of the many reasons I'm so happy to be living in modern times. But we're not watching it at my house, we're watching it at Kelli's. Kelli lives IN ANOTHER CITY. I usually don't mind driving over there, but damn -- why do all my friends have to live so far away? Isn't it defeating the point of NetFlix that I'm driving past 10+ video rental stores to watch my NetFlix? And I'm out of gas and money. And it's cold. And I'm whiney today.

At least I can wear my snazzy new Jacket... Mmmmmmmmmm. Pretty new jacket. Oh Oh -- and the super long scarf with the bobblies on the end! Maybe even a toboggan... I'm gonna be so cute!

Momma says be more specific

So I was telling my mom that I was so excited about my spatula that I posted about it online. She said that I better be excited about the pot (I am). I said I posted about the pot too -- and told her what I had said. She says I should be more specific and inform you that it isn’t just any old pot – it’s a CALPHALON pot – a 80 dollar pot. Specifically: a Calphalon™ Anodized 4-qt. Dutch Oven with a 10-year warranty. So yes, I’m gonna be cooking up some GOOD food now.

It’s exactly what I wanted – a great quality pot that can go on the stove and in the oven that I can use everyday. I’m tired of having regular grade pots that I ruin rather quickly. I cook nearly every night – and that starts to affect your pots. I also wanted one that could go in the oven – the ones I had can’t. So I wanted a BIG everyday Chef-quality pot. Mom came through! Anything with a 10 year warranty has to rock. And I’m keeping that warranty too – if something happens to it 9 years down the line when I’m 33, well then they’ll replace it. Awesome.

And I also got a bright red silicon spatula that can’t melt. So I can cook with it AND smack my guests on the head with it. Awesome.

I’m going to look up recipes to christen all my new kitchen equipment…

Christmas Time Christmas Time Christmas Time

Contrary to dire predictions, Christmas with the family was great. Everyone had loads of great presents and we had fun with the nephews who behaved so well! Mr Cade is 25lbs at 2.5 months old. Cade is gonna be a hoss. It's not fat -- he's just a huge baby. I bet he grows up to have a football frame -- exactly the opposite of his big brother.

I got some awesome cookware. It's exactly what I wanted. I never thought I'd be so excited about a spatula -- but I am. And I got a great pot that is huge, completely oven safe, non-stick, and has a 10 year warranty. I'm gonna be using that baby 5 days a week at least. And the spatula -- silicon -- heat resistant to 600 degrees. AWESOME -- a spatula that can't melt! And I got a crock-pot too! And clothes -- including a new snazzy jacket that will finally get me to stop wearing the infamous green jacket that is 2 sizes too big. And one of the shirts is 100% silk... and a size LARGE. And it fits -- and it's got tassels! Mom got it for me to wear to dance. Cindy got me some awesome jewelry (really, she ordered it just for me), T & H got me a blanket like the one I've envied at Erin's house. And Jenn got me X-Men 3 to round out the set -- and also what is now going to be the official highlight of my DVD collection. She got me the special edition Ghost-Busters collection. Yep, the 80's Ghost-Busters movies -- BOTH of them. I can't wait to watch them -- I can't even remember the first one. They always show the second one on TV but never the first. And I got lots of other cool things too -- can't wait to go home and get it all out and put it in the proper places.

Tomorrow is running around casual Christmas. Then I gotta go back to Huntsville to WORK. I think I'm gonna hang out in Huntsville this week even though I've got nothing to do. That way I won't have to borrow money from mom for gas (I get paid this Friday) - then come spend a few days with the family next week after New Years. THEN the NEXT week I've got to secure myself a job. A full-time-pay-my-rent job. Ugh. I'm freaking just thinking about having to think about it. I feel a bit guilty that I'm leaving to work one shift and not coming back to spend the week. But I'd rather spend next week down here... who knows -- I might change my mind.

Anyway, yeah -- MERRY CHRISTMAS

Can't. Win.

So I give Dad his present of endless Christmas goodies so he can go ahead and munch through the holiday, right? And here's exactly what was said when my sister saw him eating a Little Debbie Cake.

Sis: "What, is Karen trying to kill you -- that's gonna raise your blood sugar"

Me (walking in the door with presents): "Oh, a little blood sugar isn't gonna kill him! It's Christmas!"

"Well, a blood sugar of 100 won't but 400 will."

"It's. Christmas."

I swear, I just can't win. This is gonna be a loooong night. Can't wait till she opens her present and proceeds to hate it. And Tim's already griping about how he's got to get Cole home and to bed AND HE'S NOT EVEN HERE YET. I asked Jenn if she was coming straight over after work or if she was gonna chill first -- I got my head bit off. And Dads... well.

I miss Klonopin soooo much. Maybe I should just go ahead and schedule and appointment with a therapist. "And why do you need to see the doctor?" "Christmas"

I swear one day someone's gonna stab someone with a fork at a holiday dinner. It's gonna happen. I'm just sayin'

The slope... I have slipped.

Am I the only one who’s just dying to see the new Harry Potter that isn’t even coming out for months? Cause I am. I might have to go see it 3 times in the theater. I’ve always drawn the line at reading the books though – I’m not that lame.

But maybe I am. I find myself wanting to read the books. And if I manage to find a REAL job I’ll have some free nights and weekends – I could totally read a book… or a series of books… I’m sure I know someone who would let me borrow them…

Oh it’s getting tempting.

Merry Christmas!

Clicky the picture :)

Present Temptation

The Littles (Erin's cats -- so named by me because they're tiny) have given Jack & Tabitha a gift. It's sitting wrapped under my tree and taunting me to open it. I wanna know what it is. And I mean... no ones gonna know...

3:12 AM Update: Ok, so I opened it. I couldn't help it -- it rattled! The Littles have given Tabitha and (more so) Jack an entire package of Christmas balls. They rattle, jingle, crinkle and shine. Jacks been holed up playing jungle-gym under the table with a red fuzzy one for half-an-hour now. And awwwwwww he's bringing it to me to play fetch with. He likes it. Erin, you'll have to thank the Littles for me ;)

This makes 2 presents that my friends have given to my cats -- and they've got one under the tree from me too! What spoiled kittens. Jack's happy :)

Four days and counting...

All my presents are wrapped and parked under my Christmas tree. And I've still got my emergency gift (the "oh wow, you didn't have to get me anything... Here, I got you something too!" gift). I used some great paper from the Target dollar section. And for "bows," on some of the gifts, I used mini-KitKat bars with a stripe of paper for the labels -- so cute. Also, I've developed a way to disguise the CD gift. Put the CD in a ziplock baggy full of Christmas candies -- then the package is all lumpy and non-identifiable -- plus they get candy.

I usually get so frustrated shopping for my family. They never like what I get them -- especially when I got out of the way to try really hard. Last year since I worked at Barnes & Noble, I gave everyone books -- but I put a lot of thought in it and set those books aside weeks before I even bought them. Yeah, doesn't matter cause I work at a book store. Then one year I made everyone stained glass -- spent 400 dollars and countless hours... they wanted something more ornate -- the geometric patterns I chose didn't go over well. Every year I swear that next year I'm not going to put any effort into it -- but then I always do. *sigh*

This year I think everyone will like what I got them. I FINALLY got to give me mom a real Star Sapphire -- and not just any old ring -- I got her a gorgeous piece of fine jewelry -- something she can be super proud to wear (I've got the gem lab reports and insurance cards -- it's appraised at over $5,000!) She loves it and I'm SO EXCITED about it (Yes, I scoped out eBay for star sapphires for MONTHS). My sisters are all getting rings from eBay. They're just costume jewelry, but I think they're nice. I KNOW Jennifer will love hers -- she's absolutely adored the two rings I got myself from eBay, and the one I got her is way prettier than mine. She's usually super hard to shop for, so I'm psyched. For Dad, who I almost didn't even get anything for (he never likes his presents -- ever) -- I went simple. I got him a TON of candy and treats. Dad loves sweets -- he won't like it as a gift, but he'll enjoy eating it. Oh and Tim gets a CD & some goodies. So even though I was shopping on a super tight budget, I think I did pretty well.

Oh and Crystal, girl, I'm hooking you up -- you're gonna LOVE your present.

There's even a present for Jack and Tabitha under the tree -- chicken jerky and some toys. My fuzzies gotta have Christmas too.

Hope everyone is done with your shopping. Don't go to Target and expect to find chocolate covered cherries 'cause it's chaos and they're out.

It disturbs me every time I see the commercial.

It bothers me that the Vidalia Chop Wizard doesn't actually chop anything. Nor does the "dicing blade" dice. They both only cut one way -- meaning you get STICKS. You have to slice stuff up before it will "dice" it. I call bullshit. BULLSHIT.

It's *Magic*

Dude, is there anything a Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't do? I don't think there is. Everytime I use this modern marvel I am absolutly amazed. It continues to fascinate me. I'll be using it to clean something simple -- and realize that it just performed a miracle. Examples:

I'm cleaning the tub and all the sudden old set-in rust stains are gone.

I'm wiping the grout on the floor and old paint comes off.

I'm wiping my kitchen counter and now the permanent marker I've been trying to get off since I moved in -- GONE.

And you don't have to wear gloves or smell anything or clean up after scrubbing or use force -- it all just *erases* I'm amazed. We are so blessed to live in an age of Mr Clean Magic Erasers, Gastric Bypass surgery and Splenda. I fucking love shit like this -- I can't wait to see what kinda cool stuff we'll have in 5 years.

Everyone procrastinates... right?

So I decided that tomorrow is clean-up day. I shall thoroughly clean the apartment; wash clothes, table cloth, and towels; put up all the clothes; maybe clean the car too. Well, I'm plenty awake after just getting off work, I figure I'll get started tonight. So I...

...organized my DVDs. Alphabetically.

I have a feeling I'm gonna sleep late tomorrow.


Hmm, I surmise that I should post something. I could update you on what I’ve been doing – which is actually what I usually do anyway, but I try not to think of it that way so as to avoid the whole – I have a lame weblog connotations.

Friday I went home to Birmingham for my sisters Graduation from Nursing School. It was pretty cool getting to see her graduate – shes super excited. I got to be in charge of the photos and embarrass myself by running around the hall the entire time and crouching by the stage taking pictures. I’m good at this so I get stuck with it a lot. She’s graduating from Jeff State which is where I went for 2 years right after I graduated High School. Her graduation reminded me of what it was like to go there. I can honestly say that I enjoyed it better than UAH. I love living here in Huntsville, but classes at Jeff State were more fun. I was highly motivated and had less anxiety. I had a 4.0, friends in all my classes and organized regular study groups on the weekends. I miss that.

Of course mention was made of Karen finally graduating this coming December. I kept my little mouth shut and didn’t break their hearts and bring their disappointment with the whole “well… actually” drama of my current situation. I don’t really HAVE to inform anyone that I’m going to be working fulltime for a bit and not going to college… do I? What’s my obligation there? And how long of a window to I have?

Tonight I did up my resume. This week I’m going to do something with it. What, I do not know. Something though. If I can get a paid internship – that would be awesome. I’d make great money and cover my rent – and I’d also get in some networking, training, and great job experience. So actually, in the long run – getting a full time paid internship would be better for my career than just going ahead and hurrying up with the graduation. Of course I fear that getting an internship is harder than my friends let on and that I’ve gotten my hopes up about something that’s not really going to happen. If I end up working full time in the service industry – well, that’s gonna suck – but hey, gotta do what you gotta do. I’m also aware that I can take a job I don’t want to tie me over while I find one that I do. I’m stressing out to high-heaven, obviously – but I’m also comforted in the fact that this was my worst-case scenario and that I’m going to be OK. I’m also pleased as punch that my group of friends that I met only 2 months ago are turning out to be wonderfully helpful & supportive (of both helping me figure out what to do – and being aware of the fact that I need lots of cheering up sometimes – and they provide great social distractions).

Oh and my skinny pants that look so awesome on me and are the smallest size I’ve ever worn – dry clean only. Dammit. I wore them home Friday and mom commented on how great they were – then she commented on the fact that wow – they’re really nice lined wool pants. Wait. Wool? That means I can’t wash them! We looked. Nope – no washing. Dammit. I knew they were nice pants – but I bought them anyway. I’d not have paid full price for a pair of pants I can’t wash – I mean I’m still in constant need of clothing – I can’t be affording unwashable clothes. At least they make my ass look great.

Oh and I’m having to constantly tell myself that I’ve not gained weight. Like I know in my mind that I’m sitting there wearing a smaller size pants and that I’ve lost 3 lbs recently – not gained. But still – feeling horribly fat. I feel twice as big as everyone else. Not that I am… anymore – but I still feel that way. I feel like the ugly fat one. *bangs head on desk*

PS, I want to get my hair done – but last time I got it done it all went so horribly wrong. It doesn’t look bad – just would look better with a bit of fresh shaping. That’s exactly how it was last time I got it cut and had to wear it in a hair clip for 2 months. Maybe I’ll just dye it to soothe the urge… (dark rich brown dye – not pink, don’t worry).

Double PS: I turned the heat back on. It was fucking cold when I woke up.

Christmas Goodies

Tonight I made some Christmas treats to share with family and friends. I did chocolate-covered oreos (seen above) as well as peanut butter balls and mini-marshmallow clusters. Yummy. Anyone want some? They're pretty -- and loaded with sugary goodness. I wish I'd have bought some christmas plates to give them on...

Update:This morning I packed up some adorable goodie bags to give everyone. So cute! They turned out perfect. And my lord -- I bought all natural crunchy peanut butter and rolled it in chocolate. *swoon* It's like luxury reeses or something. I had to put the bags together to keep myself from eating them.

Must conserve power...

Got my power bill today. Came right upstairs and turned off the heater and the Christmas lights. Screw that man, I'm putting extra blankets on the bed and living in a fridge. The cats have fur coats - they'll be OK. This bill is twice as high as it's ever been! (We've had record lows lately).

But the Christmas tree stays on. I like the tree. I'll just not turn the lamps on...


Oprahs show is about bra sizes. My current bras are 38Bs. I just remeasured my bust line and I'm a 33. HOLY SHIT. That's tiny. I wonder what cup size I need? I think this pay day I'm going to treat myself to a new bra -- a Victoria's Secret one -- I've never bought anything at Victoria's Secret... ever. I never had the option. I'm gonna get Erin to go with me for moral support and get professionally measured and get a cutsey bra in the cute little VS bag. It's gonna be fun :) Oh -- I'll get some Victoria Secret panties too. I really don't deserve to be treated to expensive panties being that I can no longer afford college and really need to find a job ASAP... but... I think I will anyway.

PS -- 202 lbs now. And I just looked -- before surgery, my bust line was 48 inches. Good lord. I'm gonna go measure my ass.

Life is not a circle -- it's a triangle.

Are you familiar with the CODA Victim > Rescuer triangle? There's victim, rescuer, and prosecutor -- and we move between these roles by always trying to be the "rescuer" -- we jump in to rescue someone without being asked and we give so much of ourselves up that we become the victim which doesn't take long to build up enough resentment to be the prosecutor. Take my word for it, I've done lots of therapy and CODA (codependants anon, for yall not in the know) and hell, I've lived it for 24 years -- I know what I'm talking about.

Well obviously, the family of codependants and dependants that bred my ass is full of codependants. Difference is, they're all in total denial about it. I finally got my mom to read one of my group books to try and understand where I'm coming from -- and she thinks its great for me but that she doesn't need it. One of my sisters is hitting AA pretty hard so she's read the same books -- and my other sister is in TOTAL denial. I've told her she should read them and she says she doesn't need to. Uhuh... That's so laughable.

She's deep into the whole Codenpendancy thing (hey, not knocking -- she can't help it). She lives with Dad and dads a controller. Dad's also really fucked up and half dead -- and she feels that it's her responsibility to take care of him. So she's decided to scrap her plans of finally moving out of his house -- she sacrificing every second of every day to be there for him. See how she jumped into rescuer? She took it all on herself. But now shes furious that the rest of us aren't doing the same. It's all been shoved on her -- she's losing everything and we won't even help. (This is why I'm currently hated and condemned to hell -- because I'm in Huntsville doing my thing instead of being dads personal hospice nurse). So she quickly went into victim role -- obviously, she's pulling the shit end of the stick -- but she put herself there, I didn't have anything to do with it. So now she's in full on persecutor roll. Let me tell you, I'm not her favorite person right now. It's lose/lose -- everything I say or do is wrong -- and if I don't say or do something, that's wrong too. I'm pretty much spawn of Satan who supposedly hates the family at the moment.

And you know what? I feel really bad about it. It's pulling a big emotional whammy on me. My codependant self -- and family -- is making me feel that I'm responsible for dad. That I should drop everything in my life -- leave huntsville and take care of him. Even though I've not been asked -- he's family -- he's my father, I should sacrifice myself and my life because if there's anything I could possibly do for him 00 I should do it. And the fact that he's in the hospital and I can't do anything doesn't matter -- I should be there agonizing in the waiting room and sleeping in his hospital room to make sure he has anything I need. Hell, I should be camped out in a hospital waiting room -- period. And I'm not. I'm in Huntsville. Today I slept late and tonight I'm going to go play games with my friends. And tomorrow I'm going to sleep late and go to dance lessons and maybe a movie. And because of this -- I have been condemned as a traitor, a bitch, a bad christian, and someone who sure as fuck doesn't give a shit about my family. So I feel really bad.

Now pause. Look at how I'm already turning myself into the victim. See how it works? I'm telling you, this triangle is fucking genius and spot on. And then I prosecute my family for making me the victim. Can you IMAGINE the horrible Codependant mess I would become and contribute to by going home? Exactly.

And yeah, I hate my sister. That's why I spent a few hours last night making her a chocolate covered oreo flower arrangement to give to her after I drive 2 hours home to go to her graduation ceremony and drive 2 hours back here because I have to work this weekend. But you know what? It doesn't matter that I'm coming home for her -- because I should have come home earlier in the week and taken care of dad and been with the family. And I should stay later -- I should call out of work and stay there. And hell, she'll find something wrong with the oreos too. I shouldn't have spent the money or taken the time -- or shell be on a diet and won't eat them. *sigh* It's all lose/lose.

Seriously, this is why I'm crazy. And I've got a lot of other shit going on in my life right now. I'm probably having to drop out of college and find a full time job -- love and sex troubles. And lord knows I'm still a walking stress ball whos psych meds still need switching around. Paxils doing great for my depression but my anxiety is killer. She's thinking of putting me on Prozac. We'll see.

I'm told that some of you like my blog because I'm "real." But really, I just feel like I'm bitching. I'm huddled in the victim corner of the triangle. Dammit -- there isn't a good side of the triangle LOL

I'm gonna make some chocolate covered peanut butter balls and then go have hot chocolate with my friends and try to be happy.

Well that sucks.

I'm being hit by a lot of crap at the moment. Looks like I won't be able to get financial aid next semester which means that I can't afford to keep taking classes -- and that I'll have to find a full time job to pay the rent. Could be worse. I'll so what it takes to survive -- and hell, I can work at Mcdonalds or Walmart if worse comes to worse -- at least I still have friends and I still get to keep my awesome place with my Beetle and my Kitties. And maybe if i turns out that I can't afford to take any classes, I can put 1 night class on my credit card or something. We'll see. We're in worst case scenario -- ant negatives come in threes and we've already passed three so it should be fine. Paxils good.

Oh and my stove blew up last night with a loud pop and flames. Isn't that weird? Scared the shit out of me -- I was hosting game night and cooking some mashed potatoes. Game night went well -- sorry I seemed a little down, guys. But I really like hosting everyone over here even if I don't play. I know that seems odd -- but I'd rather have a bunch of people joking and having fun in my living room than just watching TV by myself. And I really like to cook :)

I made a chicken/cornbread casserole. I was afraid it wouldn't go over well because it had lots of veggies -- and 20-something guys don't like veggies. But it went over well! Nathan had thirds + took some home -- so really, couldn't have been that bad. It's a good thing too because I had to clean and chop 4lbs of chicken breasts -- and I HATE touching raw meat. It's a play-by-ear recipe I made off of my moms traditional holiday left-over casserole. I used boxed stuffing for the bottom and the top (go ahead and let the stuffing that goes on top soak in warm water to make sure it gets enough liquid -- the bottom can stay dry). There was a solid layer of chopped chicken breast (that I cooked up with salt, pepper, and oil). Use lots of meat -- you're making it not buying -- you can splurge! Then the "filling" is cream of chicken soup cut with a little milk (not too watery -- but not too thick) mixed with peas, carrots, and corn. Then bake it all in the oven until it's bubbly and yum. I served it with mashed potatoes. It was very good.

Tonight we're going to go see the Christmas lights at the Huntsville Botanical Gardens. It's supposed to be one of the top attractions in north-east Alabama. I'm really looking forward to it -- I've been wanting to see them for a while now.

Now that finals are over, I have some days off. I'm loving it. I had to keep telling myself that I DON'T have to get up and do anything. I love not having expectations!

Thanks for asking.

"How are you?"

"Well, that depends on what context you're asking in. In the grand scheme of things? Sure, I'm great. And considering my dads half dead, my family has condemned me to hell, the man I'm still in love with is getting married, and the sexy engineer played me like a fiddle in Charlie Daniel's band... yeah, I'm good."

Wizards in Winter

I just downloaded some of the Trans-Siberian Orchestra's Christmas songs -- specifically Wizards in Winter. Holy shit, I LOVE it. I'm gonna go dance around my apartment now -- because I live alone and I can.

PS: Play the video to hear it... and see some AWESOME lights too.



I was in line at the gas station (I know, how old fashioned) when a old man tapped my shoulder -- he had to be 85, easy. "Can you see?" "Yes." "Can you find me some eye drops. I just had my eyes dilated and I can't get my new glasses for 2 weeks. The doctor told me to get me some eyedrops." "Ok."

"... you know you shouldn't be driving."


Bow before my greatness

Greatness at cooking, that is. Because believe me, I have the skills. Last night for dinner, I made Chicken alfredo with garlic bread and fresh broccoli. I had the butcher trim some chicken breasts and cube them up for me so I didn't have to do it. I made actual fresh broccoli -- steamed even though I don't have a steamer (little water in a skillet bring to boil -- toss in broccoli cover immediately and drop heat to low -- keep and eye on it but don't take the top off too soon or you'll lose all the steam). The chicken I did in the skillet with salt, pepper and a bit of olive oil -- drained and tossed into the alfredo sauce. Then I got a loaf of french bread from the bakery -- sliced off pieces and brushed with a tad of olive oil - then spread with a mixture of butter and smashed garlic and topped with a tad of oregano. It was good. Real good. I am awesome.

Shame the hot P.R. engineer thing didn't work out. HAd lots of fun though :)

Halfway through finals

My C++ final was a nightmare. 20 pages -- almost all of which was handwriting code. Who has to handwrite code? Where am I ever going to have to handwrite code? GIVE ME A COMPILER -- or at least a keyboard. Do you know how annoying it is when you need to go back and add a variable but you don't have room -- and erasing and rewriting is a mess. Ugh.

This is where standard wooden pencils have the advantage over automatic pencils. You can't really stab yourself with an automatic pencil -- the lead would break way too easy and then you're left with a super blunt tip -- that just wouldn't work out -- I mean you'd have to take a pretty damn hearty strike at yourself to make that work.

Life or something like it

So I'm confused here, when did I actually start to get a life? My phone rings a lot now -- and it's people I like calling. I have places to go -- plans -- things to look forward to -- friends. I've had to cancel or pass on a few things this week that I actually wanted to do because I'm just too busy. ME. Busy. What the hell? I've got a stack of 17 christmas cards addressed and waiting on stamps. I've got people in my life. I'm having fun. I've got plans.

Tomorrow, Tom -- the hot Puerto-Rican engineer is coming over so I can cook him dinner. I was going to go southern comfort food -- maybe hamburger steak and gravy with mashed potatoes and veggies. But now I'm thinking maybe a nice chicken alfredo with broccoli on the side and garlic bread and fresh grated parmesan. I'll have to decide. My first priority is the final I have tomorrow afternoon. Then I'll pick up dinner supplies on the way home and he should get here shortly after that. I had to cancel our standing girl night with Erin for this (not as bad as it sounds -- Grey's is a rerun this week LOL). And tonight I could have seen Tom but I didn't want to miss dance lessons and dinner with everyone. And Friday Kathy wanted me to go out to lunch at this new restaurant where I would get a free meal in exchange for my review and having my picture taken -- I don't know where the picture part comes in but whatever, I'm too busy to be available to go. When did this happen? It's fucking awesome.

Now, if I could just get school in order I'd be ok. My priorities are still totally fucked over and I'm still freaking out about wether I'll be able to even afford next semester. Will I be eligible for financial aid? I redeemed the whole being on probation might fail out thing -- I'm good on that front -- but now I just have to stay eligible for financial aid and I'm on a super tight leash. So a lot is hinging on my grades this semester... the ones I'm not sure about how they're going to pull through. I kinda had a bit of a tiff/freakout in the middle of the semester that might very well have doomed me. We'll see -- all I can do now is take the finals and see what happens. Of course if I do bad and don't get financial aid then I can't afford college any more and will be in the market for a full time job to pay the rent. But I just realized -- that even that's not the end of the world. It's really not. heh. THIS IS AWESOME.


Salsa is awesome. That's what I requested we learned at dance tonight -- and being private lessons where we get to choose what to learn -- we all agreed and that's what we learned. Now Tango is probably still my favorite over all dance -- nothing has beaten the sexiness of that one -- but salsa seems more up my alley. And I love the music! I like the hip swinging and the music which reminds me of mexican restaurants (sorry to anyone who takes offense to this but I don't know much about dancing, music, or latin culture so forgive my comparisons) -- and lord we all know I LOVE mexican restaurants.

The basic step is easy -- we did a sort of jazzy-box-whatever that I can't remember the name of -- which moves fast around the floor -- that was fun! I think that was the hardest step for me to learn of anything yet. Just getting my feet in the right order -- I kept wanting to twist and getting my feet tangled up. I can't tell if Nathan was amused, understanding, or frustrated with me. But don't worry -- we had it down by the end of class. Thankfully he's finally getting to the point of being totally comfortable with jerking me around and catching me when I start to spin somewhere or try to bust my ass. And I'm finally getting to the point where I can follow without trying to lead and trusting that I can put my weight on his shoulder (required in a few moves we've done) and that he'll catch me before I bust my ass... and not steer me into a wall or another person. And if I start to lead then he clicks at me to let me know LOL

I'm also getting better at dancing with different partners. Everyone leads completely different -- some more than others and it's really hard for me to not want to just lead when I'm not given a strong lead from the man. But I'm getting so much better at following. That has been hard for me. And it really makes it so much easier on me to just follow exactly wherever I'm led. The guys say that we (the girls) have the harder part -- and yeah we have different spins and stuff and have to follow -- but then I'm really glad to not have to lead. We (the girls) don't have to think about what we are doing so much -- we don't have to plan ahead -- and after practice, the moves become natural and no-thought-required. Of course don't think I'm flattering myself here -- I need LOTS more practice -- I'm only just learning.

Dance lessons are becoming even more fun as I learn to relax and enjoy myself and not be all anal and worried about sweating -- and getting used to being comfortable with being so close to another person -- trusting their lead -- and just being comfortable with the embrace and touch that's involved. I'm not a touchy person, remember. I think dance lessons are really helping me in tons of ways that I couldn't have even anticipated. I'm having fun -- meeting people -- getting exercise -- gaining a totally awesome skill -- becoming more confident -- and becoming more comfortable with my new body and how it moves. I haven't had a choice but to let go of a lot of my insecurities about my body. The guy is gonna have to be grabbing me -- firmly even -- hes gonna feel my body curves and all. Touching is ok. Hip swinging is fun. And I really tried so hard to keep my ridged composition -- I don't like to be loose because I don't like my body looking lumpy or my tummy sticking out -- and lord I certainly don't want to see anything jiggle. I've had to give all those thoughts up -- my butt, hips and tummy are going to be spun, swirled, and jerked around the dance floor with me -- and it's so not a bad thing. It's fun.

So we've got Waltz, Tango, Fox Trot, Rumba, Salsa, and a little swing -- was there another? I get them all mixed up. Though I practiced my cha cha all week and got to do a bit of that before class started -- MUCH better than last week. Then after class since they weren't playing Salsa music for us to practice by, Nathan led me into Tango -- I remembered how to do it -- and damn well, even! Damn, I love these dance classes.


I just had the most amazing evening with a guy I met on Craigs List. *swoon*

BTW, Tom, when you left, Jack ran out and made it all the way across the building before I caught him. Just so you know. Thanks again for the great evening :)

And you know you're wanting to see the ad -- here it is. Thanks to Tel for making me put it up! If nothing else, I got some awesome lamb shanks with mint pepper jelly out of it. BTW, if you're in Huntsville, you simply MUST try "Chef's Table" in Jones Valley. They have Tapas dining where you get to choose a ton of dishes and share them. Get the Lamb shanks -- my god they were good. Runners up for best of show were the garlic mashed red potatoes and the Brie Macaroni. The Tenderloin with sun-dried tomato reduction was slightly disappointing. The goat cheese and marinara fondue was awesome and so was the cheesecake with raspberry sauce (their dessert menu is huge). 5 stars all the way.

Snazzy new holes

I just put in my very first pair of dangly earrings. Me and Erin picked them up this weekend -- and technically I'm putting them in a few weeks early, but I wanted to try them out. It feels... weird. Kind icky. And I'm so not used to seeing something there -- looks odd. Cute, but odd. I've decided that I'm going to be a dangly earring person. Of course I want to get some simple diamond (or white topaz) studs to wear all the time and to sleep in...

When I shake my head it feels funny. Hehe.

Programming in Assembly for x86 architecture

Thought this might interest a few of you -- those who have no idea how to write code as well as those who want to relive the memories of that good ol' assembly class. Here's one of my programs -- it's a short one that just uses a simple menu to allow you to calculate the area and volume of a selected shape using real numbers. The point of the assignment was to learn to use the FPU (floating point unit). This was actually the easiest program in that class this entire semester -- I don't know if I'm glad or pissed that he saved it for last.

Click Here to see it. I put it in a post-dated post so you wouldn't have to download the file.

Oh and I'm putting code out there on the internet for total snatchability. Unfortunately you can't compile this because it has some .inc files it requires to run -- but you can totally copy paste some of the functions. It includes ASCII to IEEE & IEEE to ASCII procedures as well as procedures to find the area and volume of different shapes (square, cone, sphere, cylinder, rectangular prism) using the FPU stack frame. Feel free to thank me when this saves your ass -- my email is linked at the bottom. And don't feel bad -- we've ALL swiped code from the internet... I mean -- everyone but me has ;)

Go get me some medicine please.

I've had a bit of a scruffy throat for a while -- but not bad enough to care much. Then yesterday while I was at the craft show with Erin, I kept sneezing. I even said "I must be coming down with something." Well, I was 100% right. I'm completely stopped up and my throat feels heavier or rubbery or something -- like I'm breathing through a tube underwater. And it hurts when I cough -- and did I mention I'm completely stopped up -- I'm clogged but with a drip. Ugh.

What kind of medicine should I get? I was thinking of getting some Sudafed -- the real kind -- because I've heard so many people bitch about how the new non-meth-ingredient kind doesn't work for them. That must mean the other actually worked for them. Maybe some of that zicam that has all those commercials about killing a cold before it even starts -- is it possible to be too late with that?

Man, I'm having dinner with a cute Puerto-Rican engineer Tuesday -- I must getter better fast.

"They're spoiled"

Today I went to pet smart to pick up a new toy for Jack. He ripped the feathers off his stick/wand -- and being that those stick wands are his favorite thing EVER (this was the 5th one at least), he needed a new one. Well, I picked that up ...and some live catnip ...and some special food ...and some feather balls. I bought him two plastic balls -- the ones that look like golf balls and are filled with beads so any movement at all cause tons of noise -- and they have feathers on them. Jack's favorite thing is feathers.

He's been carrying it around the apartment for an hour now. Jacks always so excited to get a new toy. He carries it up and down the hall -- he brings it to me to toss -- he knocks it around a bit. It's fucking adorable. How can I NOT spoil him!?

Don't worry, Tabitha got presents too. She's chosen one spot on the futon to sleep and cover in hair. It's disgusting -- I keep lint rolling the futon and brushing her, but damn she just makes a little hair nest in that one spot. I bought her a fleece mat to keep on the futon. I guess I'll see if she likes it later -- right now jack is sitting on it with his new ball.

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