I need a hug.

Seriously, what the hell is wrong with me? I've got all this freakin anxiety about going to class -- and no good reason. As I mentioned before, I slacked off on my Paxil schedule a bit ago and fell off the happy wagon. This led to missing a few classes -- I want to insert a "don't worry, it's cool" here but I'm not a hundred percent positive that it is. It's not fucked over and all my teachers are super understanding - but I've got 2 weeks left in the semester and I'm always on the "please dear god I'm about to ruin my life" kick this time in the semester. This time is no different. Anyway, it doesn't matter if you didn't catch any of that because this post is not about my grades -- this post is about totally nonsensical social anxiety disorder.

So basically, I don't want to go into a room full of people who will tease me about having missed class. They will. It won't be mean -- it'll be light-hearted teasing... I think. I guess. Yes, OK they won't be mean -- but they'll tease. I'd tease too if it were switched around -- the old "uhuh... sure you were sick *wink wink nudge nudge*" And for some reason, I'm having some intense issues about not wanting to face that.

Sure, you're thinking, yeah she just doesn't want to go to class (BTW, I've been back to the other classes, this is just one class I'm worried about -- my favorite class where I like a lot of the people in the class). Well, it's complicated. I'm up at 4am because I simply cannot sleep because I've got that racing mind - sick tummy - can't sleep cause there's too much to think about thing going on. Same thing happened last time. And when I GO to class, I get sick. Like sick sick. Light headed and faint feeling. Hot and sweaty. And like I want to throw up. I don't think I can throw up because of the bypass surgery -- there's nothing in the pouch to throw up -- no acid or bile or old food -- nothing. But my body doesn't know that. So I still get the watering mouth -- that uncomfortable twinge in the back of your throat and nose -- that feeling that any second you're going to fold over and just expel all your internal organs into the toilet while gagging and being unable to breathe. And this is all before I've even gotten in the car to go.

I mean I shouldn't feel like this. I'll do fine in the class. I missed a program... or two -- but I've aced the other programs and I aced the test so I'm still in good standing in the class. And I like the class -- it's assembly language which is actually new to me this semester so it's cool to be learning something new as opposed to learning c++ for the Nth fucking time. And I like the people in the class -- they're cool. And Of course with all the sickness comes the whole "I look horrible" complex I get sometimes. Which I know you don't believe me, but feels like I should be locked in a cage in someone's basement because I am THAT atrocious that I shouldn't be seen by anyone. Obviously, totally not true -- but I'm telling you how I FEEL when I get like this, ok? Remember the "I feel" statements they taught us in grade school?

And I don't look horrible at all. I look great. I look better than I've looked in years. I'm still at 205. I'm officially a size 16 pants (WOOT! Bought my first pair of 16s today at Old Navy -- I'm LOVING being able to buy ANYTHING I want at nearly ANY store -- it's fucking awesome. No seriously, you've never experienced the inability to find what you want because you're limited to certain stores -- I could NEVER have bought pants at Old Navy before -- and I couldn't wear most of their tops either. Now I can have WHATEVER. I. WANT. That feeling is just indescribably cool). And I'm a solid misses XL top -- unless it's a sweater or a larger cut shirt -- in which case I'm a LARGE. So I'm freakishly close to my goal sizes (a 12 pant & large top). I look great. And my hairs not a mullet anymore so I can wear it down again -- and my skin looks good -- and my glasses are so freakin cute that people comment on how adorable I look in them. And I've got cutesy girly earrings now which look so cute with my curly hair. And today in class, I sat indian style in my desk. My lord -- I'm like foldable or something now.

So yeah, I shouldn't feel like this. I shouldn't feel like crying because "I'm so ugly." I shouldn't be walking through a parking lot and fearing that every bully and bitch I've ever known is about to find me and make my life a living hell -- just like they always did in elementary and high-school. I'm an adult now, I've got control over such things. I could run them over with my Beetle if worse came to worse. But I haven't been bullied in a long time. I haven't been the but of someone strangers public jokes in like a year -- though I can remember the last time perfectly, and yes it was because of my weight. But the point is that it's not going to happen. And even if it DID -- who cares -- right? (OK, I care -- obviously -- why are people so mean? -- but I shouldn't).

And I'm tired of living on the edge of a disastrous spiral that I'm barely fending off. I'm tired of waiting on the bow to break -- the shoe to fall.

When's it gonna get better?

I can do this. I can so do this. I'm awesome. I am the shit. I'm cute -- fun -- smart -- talented. And hey, if all else fails -- I could get a full time job at Walmart and that would totally pay the bills. So see -- even worst case scenario isn't horribly despairing. And I'm not 330lbs anymore so that lady won't come through my line anymore and tell me that I look just like her daughter who had gastric bypass and beg me not to do it because "I'm beautiful as I am" even though I'm just trying to make it through my fucking shift and she feels the need to tell me that I'm fat but still pretty -- LIKE I FUCKING ASKED.

And I hinted at all this underlying dispair to a old friend today and she just couldn't understand it. She said she's always envied me -- she can't fathom how I could feel this way. I mean ME -- I'm fucking awesome. Right?

Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh

And I really hope that yall understand that when I write these posts, I'm pouring my heart out and I can't even go back and re-read them cause I'd cry. Respect that, please.


Anonymous Crystal said...

Karen, take a breath. You are going to be ok. You are loved and in good health. You ARE intelligent and envied by people, oh and creative by the way. You’ll definitely be joked with when you return to class, but that is better than being ignored. Take delight in the fact that people want to joke with you. Who wants to go to class anyway? No person I’ve ever met. Karen please take note of the fact that you’ve had a very serious, invasive surgery. Your body will be ok, and you look awesome. Don’t you feel awesome too? That is what you’ve told me, and it showed at the time. You do not look like some maimed beast needing to be locked in the basement. Go ahead and cry if you need to, it might actually help. Want me to meet you half way between B’ham and Huntsville for lunch, dinner, or that hug? I’ll do it if you need it. Don’t even worry about those High School/Elementary Bimbos they’re probably working at Arby’s with 6 kids in daycare and an addict husband by now or one that cheats. You are doing so well, admit that to yourself please. I love and admire you so much. Let me know if I can help. Please?

7:18 AM  
Blogger Lemming Leader said...

You're doing great. Most of the time you sound like you're doing really good.. I'd give you a hug if I could but you're kind of far away. Will you settle for being told I think you're hot?

8:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anxiety is an awful thing. I suffer from it on a daily basis and sometimes have some serious breakdowns, but I can't imagine what it feels like to have it with such intensity.

Look at where you've come from. That was a while ago and you've come SO FAR. If people are teasing you, it's OK to tell them not to. If they're all adults they'll understand. Tell them you're sick. Whatever, but adults usually don't act like they're in high school.

Keep on your meds. You're on a chemical roller coaster ride, and you need to be stable so make sure you take your meds ALL THE TIME.

11:07 AM  
Blogger Jewels said...

Karen, forgive me for leaving a comment, but I just have to. I have never been on any medication for anxiety, so I'm not sure I can entirely understand, but after my father passed away (during my first year of college) I would get frustrated and miss a class- just one! After that I wouldn't be able to go back to class because I was so panicked that the professor or the other students would say something. In fact, now that I look back, I'm not even sure what I was afraid of, but that fear kept me out of class for weeks at a time sometimes - once for nearly an entire half-a-semester. Actually, it happened a few times over my college career and I have quite a few Withdraws. Only in the past few years did I begin to have the ability to just go back after I missed a few and look everyone in the eye. I think the healing from the earlier emotional distress has allowed me to do that. I still don't want to go back though and I still feel that apprehension.

Anyway, I hope you go back and I hope your semester ends well. I really enjoy reading your blog and seeing all your pictures of Jack and your decorations. It's nice to read about someone whose life is on the upswing :). Hope you don't mind too much.

3:50 PM  
Anonymous karen said...

Jewels, thanks. You seem like a wonderfully nice person from the comments youve left -- and yes, that's exactly what I have going on here. I've got lots of withdrawals on my record too ;) And I espcially like the endorsment of my cat pictures. But dammit, I'm gonna be mean here.

When I post about being depressed and anxious and feeling ugly -- really, honest to god, the LAST person in the WORLD that I want to hear from is the girl whos been judged better than me and given the thing I wanted most in the entire world. Do I need to be reminded that I wasn't good enough when I'm at my LOWEST?

And really, I shouldn't say this -- I should just ignore. Or I should be a big person and see that your heart is in the right place here and it's not your fault because my emotions towards you have absolutly nothing to do with you yourself... but you know what... It's my blog where I regularly make myself look like an ass. So there, I said it -- bring on the regret.

6:31 PM  
Blogger Jewels said...

If it really hurts you, I will refrain from now on, but I think it's kind of sad because I really appreciate you and your writing and it makes me wish circumstances were different and we could be friends.

I've also been where you are in regards to the thing you want most in the world. I had a best friend that I wanted more than anything else in the world - ANYTHING ELSE-he had been with me when my father died and had actually taken me to the hospital when I found out. And trust me, it killed me when he chose someone over me. Now I look back and see that he still loved me in his own way for who and what I was, and I also see that he couldn't love me like I wanted because it just wasn't there for him. I think deep down he wanted to love me, but he didn't feel it, and in some ways that ended our friendship - he felt guilty that he couldn't love me romantically. Finally, years later, we talk and have friendly conversations again. And now I see that he was right for the woman he is with and not for me - NOT because I'm not good enough, but because she and I are different people with different personalities.

When I first started reading you I didn't know the background information, I just knew you were a friend of his. When I was told that my comments weren't appreciated, I was a little hurt. I think by now I've figured out the situation and I'm not hurt anymore or hurt by your comments. I can understand your feelings. I just kinda care about you - I am desperately trying to lose some weight over here for health and other reasons and I'm inspired that you've been able to do it and I'm inspired by reading how much you are enjoying it. I like reading your stories and think if I met you in other circumstances we might even be friends. I would go shopping with you and admire all your new nice-fitting old navy pants even though I'd be lucky to squeeze into anything there.

Anyway, if I don't hear from you, I'll just assume you don't want me to note anymore and I'll attempt to keep it to myself. But please remember, I'm not judged better than you, I'm just a different personality blend (different=weird sometimes :) ) and there is someone for whom you will be the perfect blend of everything -not only are you "good enough," you are TOO good not to get snatched up. I think so anyway.

Alrighty - well, God bless you and if I don't get the opportunity to note you again, I will keep you in my prayers.

9:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jewels - it's very nice of you to leave such a comment for Karen. Karen has a lot of hurt, but she's still a great gal.

Karen, everyone gets rejected. And whether you admit it or not, I'm sure you've rejected people, too. It doesn't feel good for anyone when it happens, but it happens nonetheless. You are amazing, fabulous and totally adorable. Start working on you and your self-image and soon others (boys) will see you for how fabulous you are, too.

11:08 PM  
Blogger Karen said...

Why does Tel's comment sound like shes trying to wrangle a 5 year old throwing a tantrum? Please don't answer that.

I'm sorry I'm not a bigger, more mature person. I mean that honestly, I'm sorry I can't handle shit better. I'm not the only one losing out in the whole mess -- yall are too and I apologize for that too.

And hello -- I AM working on myself. I went jogging today instead of staying in and panicking -- and I went to dance lessons tonight and learned to CHA CHA -- thats working on myself! And I made a new turkey recipe because turkey is good for me and I need to eat that rather than mcdonalds. I'm working on it.

11:42 PM  
Anonymous Crystal said...

I am going to say that I am with you, Karen, on this one. You are handling this the best way I can think of. You know your limits. They may seem unfair to some people, but there are lots of things that can be construed as unfair. I, personally, don’t think you are being unfair. You told her to stop and leave you alone. That is better than beating around the bush and making things works by prolonging things. Sometimes you just need to respect what people ask without patronizing or appearing to be pacifying them. That is exactly what needs to be done with the Jewls person. I am not saying that she is a bad, mean, or ugly person; however, I am saying that there is nothing wrong with her respecting the boundary you’ve set up. Hopefully, that will happen from now on.

4:15 PM  
Anonymous Julie said...

crystal - I was not attempting to either patronize or pacify Karen, simply let her know that I cared about her. Additionally, she didn't ever personally ask me to leave her alone or to stop; someone else told me that she wasn't appreciating my comments. I don't think it's quite the same thing. This is the first time I've ever heard anything directly from Karen, and having heard it, I am absolutely willing to respect it for the very fact that I care about her. I am going to go ahead and stop reading her blog so I won't be tempted to write a note again - AGAIN because I care about Karen's feelings on the issue. I just wanted you to be aware that what you said wasn't accurate.

6:46 PM  
Blogger Karen said...

Oy, What a mess.

I'm sorry.

6:52 PM  
Anonymous Crystal said...

Although I could be wrong, I still believe that you were humoring her with the clothes/friendship thing. I do not know you, so there is no way for me to accurately assume your intentions. You admit that you were informed that your comments were unappreciated. We in the south try to do things the polite way. You didn’t get it. So now she’s told you; get it now. I admit that you don’t seem to be a bad person; however, you just need to let it go. Move on and find camaraderie elsewhere. Once again, I sincerely apologize if I am wrong about you or if I have hurt your feelings. I just think that this is a dead end for you and you need to stop with the persistence.

9:30 AM  
Blogger Karen said...

No Julie is right, I never asked her not to comment, we've never spoken aside from a comment here or there. I've no right really to ask her not to comment, I'm fully aware of that. I asked him to ask her not to comment simply because -- well, I'm trying to "move on" and the only way I know to do that is to keep it out of sight out of mind. And he was an absolute sweetheart and passed that on for me (thanks). I guess I should have just said it myself...

Anyway, my point to everyone is that Julies not in the wrong here at all -- she just seems like a really nice person who started reading the blog of a psychopath and feels like reaching out.

Thanks to all my friends for wanting to stick up for me here -- I LOVE HAVING FRIENDS! WOO!

And Crystal, I love the "here in the south" ref -- nice ;) LOL Also, are you gonna start reading now? I have a new reader!

9:55 AM  
Anonymous Crystal said...

I am going to read it on the clock when I have the faster Internet. I am still in the dark ages of dial up at home.

I apologize if I was ugly or attacked you. That was not my intent. I never assumed you to be a bad person and I want to make that clear.

10:14 AM  

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