Shoot. Me.

I just want everyone to know that I'm nearing total nuclear meltdown. My social life is going great! I got my ears pierced so I'm looking fucking adorable (and no I don't own panties that say "adorable" but it's still true)! And I can dance (tomorrow we're working on the Rumba)! And I lost 3 more lbs(I'll be below 200 before I know it)! And my birthday is this Sunday! I'm going to Birmingham and moms making me a mini-Thanksgiving dinner since I have to miss real Thanksgiving -- which just proves that my mom is the coolest sweetest mom EVER. Then Sunday I'm going to be back here and I'm gonna go see Happy Feet with Erin and Matt and whoever else wants to come. And I'm totally wigging out.

The increased Paxil makes me a lethargic black-out-prone non-caring flake. It makes me want to sleeeeeeeeeeeeeep. And not only does it make me want to -- but it totally makes me. I can sleep through 3 alarms now -- even when they go off for an entire hour right next to my head. I randomly fall asleep in my living room and am late for things that I WANT to do -- like dancing or movies. Obviously, this is affecting my classes in a negative way. So I avoid taking my Paxil because I can't risk randomly falling asleep and missing a-whole-nother-day. Which makes my social-anxiety act up BIG TIME. And anxiety in general, really. I forced myself to go to class today because I'm at the point now where HOLY SHIT I've allowed myself to TOTALLY fuck up. And not only was it a huge drama to even go -- but I was literally SHAKING in class and on the verge of tears. No reason -- I'm just fucking crazy. I'm losing it. It's going. My apartment is messy. That's how I know I'm losing it. There are clothes on the floor and I've no desire to get out of bed and pick them up even though it bothers me.

And I actually thought to myself that I'd really like to cut myself -- cause I deserve a punishment -- but I've got just enough sanity built up to know that that's fucking stupid and accomplishes nothing. And I really don't want to kill myself so if I totally fuck over my life and lose financial aid (again, heh) -- what the hell am I gonna do? My parents can't help me -- my mom doesn't even have a income right now -- which makes me feel horrible and makes me worry about her so much. So I've worked out that I need to find a full time job that makes at least 9 dollars an hour to keep up my apartment and bills and all that nice stuff. See, there's so much more to think about when you don't want to kill yourself because you really like your apartment and cat and dance lessons. This is why...

This is why I kindly request that Steph shoot me -- preferably after my birthday but before the end of the semester. Shoot me twice to make sure you don't just maim me -- I don't want to be a Oprah show. And then check my pulse to make sure I'm dead. And take care of my Jack. He gets Meow Mix wet food way more often than he should because I'm a sucker and he needs to have dry food out all the time because if you just try to measure out and give it to him twice a day he eats it too fast and throws up. And he likes cat treats -- but the moist ones -- not the hard ones. And he needs to have a cat toy like the one with his feathers on the end because that's his favorite and it makes him happy. I got it at Pet Smart. He like things with feathers and bells. And pet him lots -- even though he plays all hard-to-get and acts like he doesn't want to be held, he turns into a total purr box when you pick him up anyway. He's a bad liar. I'M GONNA MISS MY CAT.


Blogger Justin said...

Hey,you too will miss your cat!! I too as a cat lover miss them when I am away...I always want to stay close to them..And hey you can check out this post on hollywood cat movies . I hope u'll like it.

12:07 AM  
Blogger Karen said...



11:07 AM  
Blogger Lemming Leader said...

Somehow I don't think that poster quite comprehended the post..

9:06 PM  
Blogger Karen said...

Yeah well, to each his own.

10:01 PM  
Blogger Michael said...

Heh, wtf. I want to believe that was automated spam of the type you see regularly.. but I think some human mind has crafted that jewel :)

Regarding the content of the post:
I don't have much first-hand experience with Paxil (or other mind-altering medications) .. I can't offer any help, just to say that it sounds really awful :(

I will say that in almost every case I've seen (my uncle, the ex's sister, the ex herself heh) or read about, self-regulation (eg intermittently taking it, or suddenly stopping) of medication is a BAD idea. says it's especially bad with paxil.. if the train ride is the suck and you want to get off, you need to consult with your doctor and get him/her to work out a decreasing dosage schedule. I'm very afraid of any kind of drug that fucks with hormones :(

10:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've heard awful things about Paxil. Your sex drive will decrease, which would make me the most upset. My friend - when he got off it - had shocking jolts in his eyes and head after quitting it. How awful! I can't believe this stuff!

What does your doc say?

12:04 AM  

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