If I promise to be really sweet, will you rub my feet?

The title sentence is exactly why I need a lover right now. I'd ask him oh-so-sweetly to please give me a foot rub. I never was one to ever get why women love foot rubs so much -- I never wanted someone rubbing my FEET. Of course I never was one to wear high-heels either. I get it now.

Yes you read that correctly, Karen wears heels now. It's all part of this weird super-hot feminization thing I've got going on. The smaller I get, the sexier I get. When I was big, I couldn't be dainty and sensitive -- too many people made fun of me enough as it was. Now that I'm shrinking, I'm carrying pretty purses, and wearing pink delicate fabrics, and lipstick... and patent leather high-heeled boots. They're gonna be the big thing this fall, you know.

So far I've been avoiding stepping on the cat with them. Tonight I took the big step - I wore high-heels in public... for the first and longest time ever. And I've got a few things to say about it.

First, how the fuck are you supposed to go down stairs when you can't bend your ankle at all? I'm sure there's some awesomely girly trick to it -- do share. I tried the side step thing -- nope. It seems to me that you REALLY need your ankles to bend on stairs. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Second, no one told me you had to be in shape to wear these things. I'm by no means in shape. And 3 inch heels seem to take an awful lot of energy. Seriously -- I was getting hot walking around the mall in them. They take so much more energy to walk in.

Third, if yall thought I walked slow before -- imagine how slow I walk when I feel like an obese flamingo trying to march. I had to talk on my cellphone just so I didn't feel retarded.

Fourth -- OH MY GOD. I look fucking hot in these things. I was wearing khakis, a tank, and a hoodie -- and I swear my legs have never looked sexier. No wonder women put up with this shit -- anything that makes your legs, ass, entire posture look THIS GREAT is worth it. Has to be. I'll get used to it -- right?

Fifth, I went to look for pumpkins and Halloween decorations -- I ended up buying skirts, shoes, and a frisbee. And I honestly don't know if I ended up buying the shoes because trying on shoes meant taking the boots off or if I would have bought them anyway. Man they were a total steal though -- and they're heels -- though more of a casual everyday heel.

Sixth, a older (probably 40ish) man totally looked me up and down and flirted to hell and back with me! He saw me walking across the parking lot to my gorgeous baby Beetle and rushed over to ask me how I was and talk about the weather -- while smiling the biggest smile and stealing glances at my breasts and hooker boots LOL It was fun. And another older black guy (we've been over the black guy attraction I seem to emit that has no effect on white men) watched my ass as I walked for way way way too long. Again, fun.

Seventh -- the season premiere of Grey's Anatomy is tomorrow. I CANT WAIT. Don't call me tomorrow night -- I won't answer.


Anonymous Leah said...

tomorrow is grey's night, and my friends and I are excited :-)

re: heels. um, you just have to practice walking down stairs with them. you'll have to bend your knee more. seriously, you'll learn.

heels are a bitch to walk in all day. I probably walked several miles in heeled boots today. they made me look hot in my slacks, but they're not worth the pain. they just kill my feet something fierce by the end of the day. Try getting some platform heels, as they aren't so hard on your feet and knees.

oh, and regarding the energy: no wonder all the women who wear heels are so damn skinny. that shit takes effort and exertion. it's like doing a workout to wear heels all day. I swear that I had to add time to all my travel times b/c of the heels, and I don't understand how people can walk at a normal pace in them (tho I did manage to run in my heeled boots when I was late to class, so I guess I could learn to walk fast).

11:55 PM  
Blogger M. said...

You know it's torture to read this without a picture posted, right? Can you strike a pose with heels, please? ^_^

5:54 PM  
Blogger Karen said...

No, that hadn't occured to me. And sorry, but my camera is in Bham (left it when I was taking pics of the new nephew). The best I can do you is this shot which only shows my feet -- but that's the boots:


7:22 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home

Powered by Blogger

eXTReMe Tracker