Because when you hurt my feelings, I automatically have the right to post about it on my blog.

Alternate title: White men are fucking morons.

The following is an actual IM conversation I had tonight (names have been changed to protect the stupid white american male consensus):

12:21:27 AM person: you are.. not ideal for me, I'm still one of those white assholes you like to rant about :)
12:21:36 AM karen: you all are
12:21:43 AM karen: which is why a great chick like me is single
12:21:46 AM person: but weight is [only] one component
12:22:06 AM person: although a big one.. which is why I'm trying to get my weight under control

[...]

12:22:55 AM person: you *are* attractive
12:23:00 AM karen: and too fat for you
12:23:03 AM karen: :-p
12:23:04 AM person: not ideal

[...]

12:24:45 AM person: to be honest.. you're fatter than I would prefer.. and you're making excellent progress on it, make no mistake about it


Now there's going to be 2 general reactions you'll have to this. One (most likely the girls) will respond that he's an asshole. Or two (most likely the men), will respond that he's just being honest and that's the way life is. I should eat it because I am fat and it's not his fault.

Well, I do eat it. I eat it every minute of every single day. I eat it every time I'm in public and people might be looking at me (wether they really are or not is irrelevant). I eat it every time I force myself to stay where I am rather than run home and get under the covers where I'm safe. I eat it every time I feel the tingle in my neck and the rush of emotions that foretell an anxiety attack in progress.

It's things like this that make me wish suicide wasn't a horrible sin and totally wrong and hurtful to everyone I know. It's things like this that make me seem like I'm always despairing. Because the fact is that as much as I have to tell myself that I look fine -- that they're not looking at me -- they're not making fun of me -- I'm not disgusting -- the FACT is that I'm fat. When people see me -- they don't see me -- they don't see karen -- they see a fat chick. Period. No matter how many people try to make me believe its not true -- it is true. Period.

And I had a great day today. I felt good about myself today. I did well on the test I've been freaking out about. I played frisbee golf and fed the duckies. I laid by the pond and watched the turtles pop up for breath. I paid my bills and I went to dancing lessons! And I had dinner with new people that I actually liked. And I felt like I looked great. But what does it come down to? I'm "not ideal."

So why can't anyone understand how after losing over a hundred pounds, I still feel like this? What's the part you don't get? Who gives a shit that I lost a hundred pounds -- no one sees that. They just see the pounds I still have. They just see another fat chick. And no matter what I do -- I just can't overcome that. It always crops up -- even after people have gotten to know me.

Years of knowing someone -- only to find hes always had a problem with my weight. A great evening hanging out and talking and laughing -- and I'm still the fat chick. -- but hey -- you're making progress!

Bullshit. This is all bull shit. I wanna move to Europe where I'll have the cute accent and where they can see past your exterior because they think american super models are disgusting and there's nothing wrong with someone my size. I want to curl up in bed with the cat and the air conditioning where I'm comfortable and safe. I want to go ahead and give up because I'll never get what I want in life.

And I thought I looked so excellent today. Seriously.

At least Grey's Anatomy comes on tomorrow.

11 Comments:

Anonymous Leah said...

Karen, I think you *are* making great progress. You've certainly come down from the realm of "omg fat" to "on the heavy side." That's the honest truth. I guarantee you that you get less "looks" now than before about your weight, and those that are critical about you now are hyper-critical.

Also, take it from me -- when you feel fat, no number on the scale is going to make you feel better for more than a minute. I wear a 12/14 and am constantly struggling with my own self image b/c I've learned to call myself fat. What's better for me is hanging around people who (1) don't care if I've got a little chunk and (2) think I look good the way I am.

There are always going to be critical people out there who will find a fault with *something*. Ditch those critical people, because there are really those who care about you specifically for who you are and not what you are.

7:14 AM  
Blogger Karen said...

Where are these people? They all seem to be girls. I've not found a guy yet who doesn't have a problem with my weight. What gives you the right to have a problem of my weight? Whats so wrong with me? If you think I'm fun to hang out with -- then whats the fucking problem? Are you so afraid that someone will see you with me and think that we're going out and you couldn't do "better?" What's better?

And ANY looks is horrible. Just one look is enough to make me want to die wether I see it or not.

Lifes not fair. This sucks.

*NOTE* I'm not all upset and crying about this -- BTW. Not at all. I'm upset and posting it on my blog rather than keeping it inside because it's my way of dealing with it without shoving it inside and compounding it until I have an anxiety attack. This is me getting it out there because I don't have a better way to process things.

10:08 AM  
Blogger Michael said...

I was going to write this as an email, but in the spirit of openness I'll just reply here :)

A couple of things to clarify:

1. I understand full well that I am hypocritical in this. I am fatter than ideal as well; I'm working on improving this just as you are. "Ideal" is relative to body type, height, muscle, etc.
2. I did NOT mean to upset you regarding this. I don't think of you as "that fat chick", I don't think anyone else in our group does. You are, I think, somewhat oversensitive to this - understandable, given the drastic changes you've already made.
3. Regarding you as a friend, I don't have a problem with your weight (other than concern for your health, perhaps). You are a cool person. You shouldn't need my validation on this, but it's there if you want it :>
4. Regarding you as a potential mate, I do have a problem with your weight. It is one (and only one) component of attractiveness for me, albeit a significant component. You *are* an attractive person to me, despite your weight. You're cute, you are tech literate, you play lots of games and you're willing to deal with me and my friends being dorks in our own way. You're an interesting and an attractive person. Are you ideal? No. But that's how it goes.

Weight has two components for me:
* It's an indication of a history of dietary discipline with respect to metabolism, appetite, and various other factors that are not controllable. As an example, I am too heavy (see my weight tracking tool and history here) and have been for probably about 3 years. My ideal weight, given my current level of muscle (which I'm also working on improving) would be around 180 .. I'm losing roughly 2 pounds a month, at my current rate it'll take about a year to get close to my target weight.

My weight is due largely to a lack of dietary discipline on my part following my graduation from college. I did little physical activity and did not restrain my consumption .. I went from about 180 (still too fat, since I had less muscle then) in Jan 2004 up to around 205-210 in June 2005. I've ramped up my physical activity since then, I'm in much better shape, and I'm starting to lose the weight. But it will take time.

* Attraction. It's an arbitrary, socially-imposed preference. In some ways, much like your requirement for potential mates to follow your religion.

1:53 PM  
Blogger Karen said...

In effort to openess, I shall reply here as well. First, there's no need to defend your own weight as thats not an issue here at all.

Second, religion isnt a requirment -- if I fall in love with someone who isn't a Christian then so be it -- however I will not seek to activly date anyone who is not a Christian who I have no romantic interest in prior to the dating.

Third, yes I'm over sensitive about it -- real big Newsflash there. This blog is a tribute to my over sensitivity. I take psych meds and see psychiatrists. I also make it very clear what I'm over sensitive about. You have a gazillion chances to shut up -- you still do. This was a chance to just say. "I'm sorry, I did't mean to offend you" and move on. Another chance missed -- instead you defend it (noted) and rub it in that yes, I'm too fat. You say you need to work on your interactions with girls -- well sweetheart, YES YOU DO. Let's start here. Don't ever tell a girl shes anything negative. Especially do not do this after shes made it CLEAR that its a touchy topic.

And to everyone else. SEE. This is exactly what I'm talking about. Does it matter here that I've lost 115lbs? No it doesnt -- because I'm still not datable. I rest my case - thats to the other side who really just made it for me. Again.

2:10 PM  
Blogger Karen said...

Is M reading this? M thinks I'm cute. I need to be told I'm cute by someone who legitiamtly thinks I'm cute. Because this is just too much for my hypersensitivity at the moment. What happened to just apologizing for being an ass and moving on? DON'T KEEP TELLING MY I'M FAT WHEN YOU'RE ABOUT TO GIVE ME AN ANXIETY ATTACK.

Now I have to go to class. With all the cute 20 something guys who think I'm fat. GREAT.

2:53 PM  
Blogger Lemming Leader said...

I don't say this because you just openly said that its something you need to hear. Coming from me it is likely not something you want to hear at all due to me being the wrong gender but.. I'm bi. I usualy prefer women.. You are quite attractive. If you didn't seem to be strictly straight and live on the other side of the country I would give a good try at hooking up with you. I don't think your fat. I think you could lose a bit more weight BUT ONLY BECAUSE YOU WANT TO. You're doing good.

2:49 PM  
Blogger Karen said...

Aww thanks LL! I'm strictly straight, but I'll so take Bi-attraction LOL So I've got minorities and women -- just not the white male. Seriously, I think I need to move to Spain or something. Spanish guys are hot and they'd slip into Spanish and say sexy things...

BTW, I thought of you the other day. I ordered Jack (the cat) some orange softpaws for halloween (www.softpaws.com) and you know you can put them on rabbits too. You could get some cute colored ones for your bunnies. They come in pink!

9:41 PM  
Blogger Lemming Leader said...

At least I'm a white woman? I've got the skin colour at least.

Tatra would so kill me if I tried to put those on her but I've gotten them for the cats before with mixed results. I find it easier just to clip their claws but like I said.. I have 14 animals who all need them done regularly so I have alot of practice. I should get some for Loth though.. He'd love the attention.

12:28 AM  
Blogger Karen said...

Oh I clip Mr Jack's nails on a regular basis. But he still claws my sisters couch which is RIGHT NEXT TO the scratching post. They say that if you give them something to scratch then they won't scratch your furniture -- but I think that's bullshit. I've never had a cat scratch what it's supposed to. How can you convince them that they should scratch THEIR stuff and not mine? He has a carpeted cat condo/scratching post placed about a foot away from his favorite spot to claw the couch. He also has one of those cardboard w/ catnip scratching stations. He'd just rather claw the fucking couch.

Any sugestions?

12:55 AM  
Blogger Lemming Leader said...

What material is the couch made of? Is it different from whatever coveres his scratch posts? Some cats are insanely picky about what they will scratch. Also is the post tall enough that he can reach as high up as he is capable and still scratch it or is it to short?
If it's of a simular material and it's tall enough for him you might try putting the post right in front of where he likes to scratch on the couch. It isn't the most sightly thing but he should eventually get the hint and start scratching on it all the time even if you were to move it. You could also try changing the type of post. Most cats like sisal rope.

5:33 PM  
Blogger Karen said...

So I need to buy him a THIRD scratching post? I shall keep this in mind for the futurew -- but I'm not doing anything about it right now. For a month at least, hell have caps on his claws.

5:41 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home





Powered by Blogger


eXTReMe Tracker