The newness of it all

First Day of School
Originally uploaded by Blue Beetle.
When I was finally unpacking my suitcase the other day, I pulled out a pair of jeans. And had that "Oh shit these aren't mine" moment. Don't you hate that? For one, whos are these -- and two, do they have MINE?

You know what? They were my jeans. You know why I didn't know they were mine -- they were too small. I'm used to my jeans being much... wider. These are the size of my friends jeans. These are the size of my sisters jeans. My ass would never fit in these jeans. ...But it does.

I'm surprised at the clothes I fit in. When I'm with my family they'll hand me something to try on -- "I can't fit in that." And they make me try it on -- and I can. It's weird.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still fat and fully aware of that. But I haven't been this "small" since like 6th or 7th grade. Literally. And I feel bad for myself for everything I missed out on. People really do treat you so much different when you're bigger. I'm still self conscious as hell -- but people treat me different -- they look at me different... or should I say they look at me less. I don't stick out. I'm normal...ish. It's very sad and yet nice.

And I've come so far. I had class today in Madison hall. I haven't had a class there in quite a while. In fact, last time I did -- I was 120lbs heavier and had frequent anxiety attacks in the stairwell. Today I got dressed, figured I looked pretty cute -- jogged up the three flights of stairs (note -- not barely made it up -- I hopped right up the three flights -- no problem -- not even a pause) and I didn't freak out about all the people staring at me (or that I thought were staring at me). It's so very different.

And I sit with my legs crossed constantly. I never could do that before LOL. Now thats the only way I sit.

And my breasts look huge -- have I mentioned that? My ass looks good too.

Of course I've got this huge pudgy tummy that just won't shrink -- but as people tend to yell at me lately: IVE LOST 120 POUNDS.

I was sitting (with my legs crossed) in the ER waiting on a friend the other night and it occurred to me that this chair might have been a tight fit before. Now I've got inches.

And christ -- the shoes! I wear a 8.5 now. I used to wear a 10. I cant believe how tiny my feet are. I can't judge shoes by looking at them -- I have to try them on. I can even wear some 8s. The other night I picked up some 8.5s and knew they wouldn't fit. And not -- a size too small -- no. It'd be like you picking up a childs size 5 and going -- yeah, no. But I tried them on and damn if they didn't fit!

And veininy things stick out of my hands and feet when I flex them... and my neck feels so icky. And I couldn't make a double chin if I tried.

And I jog up stairs!

And lord, tiny rings too. I used to wear an 11 ring. Now I'm an 8. That's a big difference.

AND ALL THE PRETTY BRACELETS! I love bracelets now -- they never EVER fit before -- now I can wear the tiniest ones. So cute!

So yeah, I'm still pretty down on my looks -- I mean, I'm still big and no guys are hitting on me. But, it's very different -- in a good way. And I can go into stores like the gap and try on everything -- cause it fits! I can buy clothes where ever I want! (If I could afford them).

I'd write more... but I'm dying my hair and I need to rinse it out before it falls off or something.


Blogger Tel said...


You're amazing. You're my hero.

"I'm still big."

Yeah? Really? Because 120 pounds is a whole other person that you just lost.

I'm SO excited to hear about all the ways you have become tiny. Tiny feet, tiny fingers, tiny ass.....that fits in chairs way better. (I can relate!)

Keep going, girl! Your confidence will grow and soon you won't be able to beat the boys off of you. :)

9:02 PM  
Blogger Karen said...

Well, I AM still "big." :-p

Thanks for this comment -- it inspired me to be a good girl and choke down 30 grams of liquid protein rather than making lemon poppy seed muffins.

Yuuuuum. I forgot how good this protein was!

10:34 PM  
Blogger Karen said...

Oh hey, that really is a whole person. I should name it. I knew a couple who had lost so much between them that they called him Ben -- the third member of their marriage.

10:35 PM  

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