Honestly, I don’t know how anyone could possibly expect me to be able to live normally without psychiatric medications.

Yesterday, I was a having a lovely conversation with a man on Instant Messenger. This man was trying to convince me that I was positively gorgeous (flickr photos). Nice convo, really. So then I asked him ok honestly, how about the before picture? This was referring to the pictures on flickr that show a side-by-side of how much weight I’ve lost. Now mind you this is a man who has told me repeatedly that he actually LIKES over weight women (lots of men tell me this – apparently I need to be reminded that when I got on the scale this morning, it was a tad higher than 130. They can’t pay me a compliment with out adding that addendum). So how did he rate my before shot?

He said and I quote: “Nasty.”

Jesus Christ. Yes I said “honestly” but what happened to tact? NASTY? Are you serious? He was. He didn’t deny it – he meant it. And you know, it’s not that he said it – it’s that he felt it. He said I looked nasty. Just because the photo is over a year old, doesn’t mean that it isn’t a photo of me. A photo of exactly how I looked for years. He’s calling ME nasty.

And it seriously made me cry.

How do people expect me to be able to cope with public situations? How am I supposed to NOT have social anxiety disorder? Why do you all get so upset when I’m so down on myself and ask repeatedly if I look okay? How do you expect me to like myself when for years, the general public has seen me as “nasty.” And don’t even act like this is an isolated incident. Remember the lady in Target who out of nowhere pleaded with me not to have gastric bypass surgery (which wasn’t a consideration in my mind back then) just because I looked exactly like her daughter who died from it? How about the psychiatrist that said the solution to my problems started with a diet doctor and a skin specialist and jotted down some numbers for me to call? Do you know how many years I’ve been mocked for my weight? People are mean and just because I’m overly paranoid about it – doesn’t mean that it didn’t happen repeatedly.

Of course I hate new people. Of course going to the store gives me an anxiety attack. No fucking wonder there have been times where I feared I would become one of those people who never leave their apartment.

So next time some one goes off on me for being so down on myself, they need to sit there and ponder the fact that it’s not my fault that strangers give me panic attacks – I’ve been through a lot of shit, OK. And people telling me I look “nasty” isn’t helping. I don’t care if you say I’m gorgeous NOW – that’s still ME. That person is ME. What if I gain the weight back? What then? And am I gorgeous as in – if I lost another 30lbs?

Honestly, people have been trying to convince me for years that someone will love me as I am for who I am – but I’m starting to think that that’s apparently just impossible.

Sorry, I’m fat – apparently I’m just not good enough to walk to Earth. But at least I risked my life to have my intestines cut up so that you could find me more socially acceptable.

Jesus Christ this is why Klonopin exists – please give me some. Please.

Oh and PS: While I'm ranting off -- My father whos never accepted me as is because I'm not pretty enough and because I don't have a penis - was supposed to visit AGAIN yesterday. Thanks for showing up like you promised, dad.

7 Comments:

Blogger Lemming Leader said...

I so totaly agree with you here. Be the norm or avoid social situations completly.. It's really the only option we're really given.. And it's pure bullshit. I wish i could say it gets better but I really don't think it does.. The best I can do is say that I hear you and understand. I can relate to your issues even though they spring from different causes.

10:31 PM  
Anonymous Leah said...

dude, I would have cried too. That was harsh and totally uncalled for. I can't believe he said that to you.

4:54 AM  
Blogger Tel said...

I love the fact that I randomly stumbled upon your blog.

Have you any idea what that guy looks like? For all you know, he is fat, hairy and has bad teeth. Clearly he's not the smartest guy if he used the word "Nasty" to describe you. If he were of high calibur, he would've said, "I admire you for taking control of your life, and am in awe of you for getting surgery to help your health."

Because that's what I would've said.

2:57 AM  
Anonymous Ann said...

Hello,

The way people have treated you in your life is totally uncalled for. There, I said it.

I don't know what anyone else thinks, but I've peeked at your flickr and having become fascinated after reading this entry, I continued on to read most of your blog.

I just want to hug you.

I have been seriously overweight since my father died in 98, well, not directly after, it took about two years to gain nearly 70lbs. Prior to that I was just awkwardly chubby. I have been teased and picked on and put down. I have had random guys driving trucks shout "fatass" at me out the window.

It enrages me when people treat other people like that.

On the plus side (no pun intended) though, I've had three or four long-term relationships, really wonderful ones, and not with guys who said they "liked overweight women," but with guys that I happened to meet and really liked. It broke my heart to read that you haven't had that! You deserve it and you will find it. My only advice is to be aggressive about looking for it and immediately get rid of anyone who doesn't fall head over heels for you (for the most part). Usually they aren't worth your time.

If anyone says you were nasty in your before picture, then tell them not to let the door hit them in the ass (read forehead) on the way out.

I know it probably doesn't mean much coming from some random girl, but I think you are beautiful. I think you were beautiful before and I think you are beautiful after. You are healthier now and you should be proud of yourself for that, but I think you were a gorgeous person from day 1.

If I say that I would have dated you, is that weird? I like my significant others with a significant amount of sass and intelligence, both of which you possess. (of course, I am a straight female- so yeah, a little weird)

Anyway, don't let this moron make you feel bad. And people who are so ridiculously insensitive as that woman at target and your psychologist - screw them.

And hey, don't apologize for having social anxiety disorder - it's a disorder, not a personality trait. You have a right to feel disappointed with the world around you and unhappy with the way you are treated.

Loving yourself is a difficult business, trust me I know. I am not gonna tell you to love yourself, you already know all that stuff.....

I'm just gonna send you some love from out here in blogger land. Oh, and I will be praying for you.......

12:29 PM  
Blogger Karen said...

Aww thanks Ann! You sound like somebody I would like ;) And your comment did strangly enough make me feel a bit better. A random internet stranger likes me and thinks I deserve better -- that's gotta mean SOMETHING

And I agree -- it's a fucking shame I haven't had a good relationship!

And tel, he is actually pretty cute.

Leah, thanks for still reading ;)

And LL, your comment depressed me LOL

Strangly enough, I'm still talking to the guy who said it. He seems like a really good guy who just had a total brain-fart moronic moment. I also made him read this entry which made him feel SUPER bad. He's actually turning out to be a new friend... Maybe I'm just an idiot.

And Ann, I really hope you'll keep your word on the prayers. Its wonderful to know someones praying for me :) I need it.

4:27 PM  
Blogger Tel said...

Well - perhaps there was a moment in which he became a little bit retarded.

I want to see him. And if he ever.......

I'll kick his ass.

8:42 PM  
Blogger Karen said...

Yeah it might have to be two moronic moments and you're out. At least now he understands that I am simply not the kinda person who can handle such things.

Plus I've brought it up many many many times to throw it in his face.

Unfortunatly -- like the psychiatrist, the two guys in the elevator, the lady at Target, and countless other heartless bastards -- it will be something that will stay with me for a long time. Pity that a single word can leave such a big scar.

1:11 AM  

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