The most interesting my day has been.

“UAH police, this is Karen”
“Is this red stone arsenal?”
“No. This is the Police Department.”
“It’s not redstone arsenal?”
“No sir”
“Well, I need you to give me some information.”
“Is the commencary open today?”
“The commencary?”
“So it is?”
“Sir, I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“This isn’t redstone arsenal?”
“No, this is the UAH police department.”
“This isn’t redstone arsenal?”



Until this past weekend, I never understood people who did puzzles – especially those who glue them together when they’re done. Why not just get a poster? But about a week ago, my mom sent me out at 1am for some things from the grocery store. Well the only grocery store to go to that late is Walmart so off to Walmart I went. And lord knows that even in the middle of the night, you’re going to have to wait in line behind idiots – even if it IS the express lane. Well the lady in front of me was buying puzzles – lots of them. She had about 7 different boxes which each contained 10 or 11 puzzles 500-800 piece puzzles. She was getting them for her father for fathers day (see, I talk to people). I asked her how much they were out of curiosity and they were only 5 bucks each (clearance)! Well, I’d have bought some if I hadn’t already walked all over the store and if they weren’t, at that moment, 3 foot-ball fields away. So I forgot about it.

Then Thursday, while were celebrating my sister’s birthday, I mentioned the puzzles that were sp cheap. Well, my other sister jumped on it – apparently she’s into doing puzzles now (living in a halfway house out of rehab where you have regular check in times and no cable or internet apparently affords you a lot of free time. Plus she just got off lockdown-probation on Thursday for missing some of her check-ins). I wish I had known that because HER birthday is next week. I told her this and we decided to go by Walmart after dinner to buy some puzzles. I bought her two 11-puzzle boxes for her birthday (which I then took home and wrapped so I could act like she didn’t already know what they were) and she bought herself another. And since they were so cheap – and I myself, don’t have a life, cable, or internet access – I bought a box of puzzles for myself. (As a side note – they had the special-edition 90’s edition Trivial Persuit for 20 dollars. I wanted that SO bad. Of course I didn’t have a spare 20 dollars, but I’d have like to have gotten it so I could keep it at my place and pretend like not only and I smart enough to play such a game, but I also have friends that come over and play with me).

So Friday when I came home to no friends to hang out with, no cable to zone out on, and no internet to surf – I pulled out one of the puzzles. My god – puzzles are fucking hard. I must have never done an “adult” puzzle before because I found myself seriously questioning if this was actually possible. All these tiny little pieces that are all the same shape and most of them have no identifying characteristic what-so-ever. But I set out to do it. It was a picture of 3 penguins. 3 black-and-white penguins standing in white snow. There were a lot of white pieces. A lot of almost identical white pieces. Lots of them. I worked on that puzzle for 3 days and finally, last night, I beat it. Yes, I finished it – every single white piece in it’s place (some with chew marks from Jack who only destroyed my efforts twice the whole weekend).

It was very satisfying. Almost like creating something – and we all know I like to make things. But usually when I make things – no matter how hard and tedious they are, I know that in the end, I may go through hell and back – but it’s gonna get done, dammit. But in this puzzle – I seriously questioned my ability and will to finish. I mean I had to take pieces and just randomly see if they fit – then turn them and see if they fit that way – and then move to the next little bump and see if it fit there – and I did this FOR DAYS.

And now its sitting there in the floor. Now what?

Do I just take it apart and put it in a ziplock bag? I mean what are you supposed to do with it – that was hard work! So now I understand why people glue them together. They get kinda attached and don’t want to destroy it. But what the hell do I do with it if I glue it together? Shove it in the closet? And as to the never understanding why they didn’t just get a poster – I get that now too. A puzzle has a certain look to it – the pattern of the pieces and the way they are never all flat gives it a nice weird overlaid patter to it. The light bounces off each piece in a different way – it’s very interesting. Though I still have no desire to keep it. I guess I’ll put it in a baggy and move on to one of the other 11 puzzles in the box. Anyone want a slightly chewed penguin puzzle?

As a tangent note – I distinctly remember the last puzzle I put together. It was a rainforest puzzle that I did at least 8 years ago. Me and Kevin Freeze put it together in after-school-care. And no, we weren’t IN after-school-care -- we were the workers. We worked hard for that money. And me and Kevin were crushing on each other so the puzzle gave us the great opportunity to hover next to each other and occasionally “accidentally” touch each other as we reached for pieces. Ahhh, Kevin. I crushed on him so bad. And he really liked me too – only I was too crazy and messed up to ever realize it. Apparently he thought I rejected him – how fucking messed up is that? I HAD A CHANCE WITH SOMEONE AND I MISSED IT – and not just someone but a total sweet heart who was funny and the most popular guy in our school (smart too). Kevin, if you ever google your name and find this blog – hi, it’s Karen – remember me? Well dammit, give me a call – I live in Huntsville now. Dude, I didn’t know you liked me too – why didn’t you just come out and say it? I looked forward to work everyday just so we could hang out. All the seniors teased me because we were friends and I was already so self conscious… And then you quit day care and went out with Lauren. LAUREN? My lord – you’re a total sweet heart and she was a total bitch – what’s up with that? She was so mean to you – I wanted to kill her. Anyway, that’s a tad of a regret there. Sorry.

Gene Pool

Originally uploaded by KarenAlexa.
This picture is me (far right), my sisters (both older), and my nephew. Everyone always says that my sisters and I look alike (especially me and the one on the far left – you’ve no idea how much I hear that I look JUST LIKE her) but I don’t see it. Perhaps because I’m fatter or I just don’t want to.

Also, why am I still so fat (not that you can see my tummy and hips in this picture – that’s on purpose)? I swear I looked thinner in the pictures from my birthday (November) than I do in this set! I really need some more self confidence ‘cause I’m seeing these pictures and thinking I look way more than 222lbs – and 222 aint exactly a small amount.

Anyway, yeah – there’s me and my sisters. It’s always interesting to see pictures of siblings (at least I always think so). I don’t have any of my bro to post or I’d post them. Shame we didn’t get any this weekend of all of us.

"And I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were merry."

On my way to work this morning, I saw a squirrel holding an entire piece of pizza. He wasn’t even dragging it – he was hopping so that it didn’t drag the ground. How cute! That made my morning.

Reminds me of last week at my mothers house, I walked out in the backyard to the sun deck and saw a squirrel in a tree a few yards from me. He started barking and swishing his tail at me. I tried to give him a piece of biscuit but I think he was about to leap from the tree and scratch my face off. Maybe I walked up when he was about to get his nut or something.

I know lots of people hate squirrels, but I love them. They’re extremely smart creatures with a ton of personality. Some people used to keep them as pets and train them. We had one that lived in the yard of the house where I grew up. He hated us. He’d throw acorns at us from the trees. And I’m not making that up or exaggerating. He’d hit us every time we walked by – that wasn’t by coincidence.

Mom hates that they’re always destroying her bird feeders. Though to be honest, I’d way rather watch the acrobatic feats of a squirrel getting seed from a “squirrel-proof” bird feeder than watch a bird peck at free food. Why don’t they make squirrel feeders? I’ve got a tree in front of my balcony (blocking my lovely view of the gas station), I think I might buy one of those seed bells to hang in it and see what comes out.

My Clark Griswald moment

I think my place needs a ficus tree, right? Well it can’t be real because Jack will eat it and knock it over 3 times a day so it’s gotta be fake. Fake ficus trees can get pricey. I mention this to mom and she points out that there’s one on her back screened in porch. Awesome! It’s been sitting there for 4+ years so to say it is dusty is being polite. So she tells me to just hose it off and let it dry in the yard. K.

I go out with my jeans rolled up and set this huge fake tree in the front yard. I’m wrestling with it while waving to the neighbors and trying to get it to stand up straight -- getting covered in dust in the process. K – there it is. Now lets get the hose. I go turn it on at the faucet and pick up the sprayer. It needs to be on the stream setting so I’m looking at it while squeezing the trigger to see what it’s on.

*Shattering glass*

I shoot my head up to see what happened. That stream had been perfectly aimed at the glass sculpture in the bird bath. Ugh. I had to have hit that thing square on. What are the fucking odds on that? It’s shattered.

I look around like nothing happened to see if anyone saw this horribly idiotic disaster. I think it’s safe.

I hope that thing didn’t hold sentimental value…

Really, what are the odds on that? Hitting it square on totally by accident from about 7 feet away? I thought I was aiming at the Rose bushes!


Yesterday I went to old navy hunting for some new clothes. We all know I always needed clothes and now that my old ones don’t fit, I need them 10 fold. I spotted the cutest little sundress by the door. I’m not one to wear skirts or dresses – but we’re going to change that to “wasn’t” because now I’m a hundred pounds smaller. So I tried it on and OMG it was SO cute. Mom loved it too. And when I came out of the dressing room to find mom, a lady in the store even told me how cute it was. And do you know what? I tried on a 2x and it was too big. I needed a 1x. And please do note that that isn’t a 1x in plus sizes – that’s a in-front-of-old-navy-by-the-door 1x (yes, there really is a difference). My goal is a large top and size 14 bottoms. I’m a 1x top and 18 bottoms right now. Yay! (Of course I’ve also stopped losing weight so I might very well not lose any more. My sister is trying to convince me to get on diet pills, which is ruining any self confidence I’d like to start building. Especially since her compliment when I said I was down to 222 was that that was the size she was in thanksgiving before she went on her diet. So that was the size she was when she decided to go on a hard core 7 month diet. That’s not much of a compliment, thanks).

I’m to the size where minorities think I’m cute. Yes, I know that’s racist – but you’ll survive. I’ve had 2 guys gawk and hoot at me when I was driving m little beetle. That’s impressive – right? Not that they were white or my age, but still. Mexicans also seem to find me attractive. Not the cute-sexy-accent Mexicans but the illegal-and-can’t-speak-a-lick-of-English Mexicans. You know, when I worked at Steak & Ale, I had a crush on one of the Mexican waiters – he has the sexiest accent and said “Aye yi yi” all the time. But alas, he didn’t like me.

Oh wait, I got distracted. I didn’t buy the sundress. Unfortunately, I can’t afford to pay 40 bucks for it at the moment. Mom says she’ll keep and eye out for them to get marked down though. I did buy a pair of Old Navy blue jeans though (not on sale so it hurt, but I don’t have a pair of jeans that fits, and lord knows I need blue jeans). My sister who lost a bunch of weight also gave me some practically new khakis and a pair of green khakis. So I have pants!

Shopping for clothes is so much less painful now. I mean it’s not great yet, but it’s not painful. And shopping for bras is fun! No trying on and such a huge selection of pretty ones. I know that I really should buy a smooth beige color – but I can’t make myself – not when there are ones that look like they’re made out of pink ribbon!

And now that my feet have shrunk almost THREE sizes, buying shoes is super fun too! I can’t walk in heels because I’ve never taught myself & practiced – and I still feel that I’m a bit big for them, but man – I tried on some of the sexiest red heeled sandals yesterday. *swoon* If I had a guy, I’d buy them for dates where I didn’t do much walking – and by “much” I mean, we’re at home watching a movies and he’ll grab me a drink if I want it ;) And lord, heels make you legs and ass look so good – no wonder everyone wears them. If I meet my goal – I’m going on a heel shopping spree and I’ll wear them around the house until I feel like I’m not going to topple over every step.

PS: I really want that cute little sundress. Also, I know that this is a horribly boring and long post. I wouldn't read it if I saw it on someones blog. I'm sorry.

Apparently I just take really bad care of things.

The other day I set a bowl of soup on top of a paper towel on one of my end tables. Before I knew it, the very hot bowl of soup had ruined the finish of the dark-stained table, leaving a white ring. I got these (wonderful) tables from the thrift store and they look great – how long did someone own them and live with them and keep them looking perfect while I ruined it after a mere 3 weeks? Who knows. It’s not really ruined though – mom says there’s something I can buy to fix it. Apparently a paper towel doesn’t count as a proper coaster… even if it is folded over a few times.

I never updated on the Beetle. I got my brother to help me fix the cover that was falling off. While we were under there, we realized it was actually much more torn up than I realized. And holy shit – there’s a (small) crack on the bumper too. My brother asked me what I had hit. Nothing, to my recollection. I don’t think he believed me. I did a lot of thinking and worrying about what could have possibly done such damage to my car – I mean, I narrowed down the time period that it happened in and it was all interstate driving – if I hit something that hard while driving 70 mph, you’d think I’d have noticed. I finally figured it out. When I go to work, I have to drive over a very uneven connection on the road – one of those steep ones where you have to drive very slow so that the bumper doesn’t scratch the road. Well, the Beetle is kinda low to the ground – it must have hit it that day. Poor thing. I feel really bad – I love that car.

We fixed it though. Lots of screws. It’s a ghetto repair job, but there’s no way I can afford to replace that thing. At least he used screws – I was thinking of using duck-tape… (Oh shush, it's the bottom of the car -- no one see that) And what did someone point out to me a few days ago? The left break light is out. Dammit. I’m gonna pray to god that it’s just the bulb – I’ll find out later today when I fix it.

Though let me point out: I did buy the Beetle a years worth of oil changes (4) with NTB. They had a promotion where you could get 4 “free” oil changes (that include all the filters and a tire rotation too) for 30 dollars. Sounded like a good deal to me.

Actually, I worried less when suicide was a legitimate option.

Seriously, because you could only worry so far into the future before you said, well at worst I’ll just kill myself and be done with it. But see now that I don’t WANT to kill myself I can just keep on worrying cause I have to find a LEGITIMATE solution. I WANT it to work out – so I’ll be screwed royally beyond redemption THEN WHAT AM I GONNA DO? Kill yourself? NO, I stopped considering that, dammit.

Kidding. Actually, I’m not but I have to say “kidding” for the naïve people who can’t possibly believe people actually think like this.

Bad things are happening. So bad in fact that I don’t feel comfortable posting about them – and I post about EVERYTHING. Ugh.

I need a medication that just makes you an unemotional zombie so that it is physically impossible to stress out. And for a second I thought – oooooh! I need Seroquil! I was a total zombie on that! But no, I was a total sleepy zombie. So I never got anything done because I just wanted to sleep all the time – because fuck it, I didn’t care.

I’m going to go pet the cat and paint before the world ends.

Man and I can’t just run away to become a prostitute in Europe because how would I take the Beetle and the cat?

I had this dream...

I had a dream that I was at the beach with my family when my little nephew got caught in the rip tide/under tow. But I swam out and saved him right? Cause I’m a hero like that. And while we were swimming back to shore, a shark attacked me. Like a BIG shark. And I pushed my nephew to shore and told him to swim to safety while I fought the shark. And it took a bite of my leg and totally bit off my arm. But I poked out its eyes and ripped open its gills and I totally kicked its ass – I even drug the huge carcass to shore before I passed out from blood-loss.

And they cut open the shark (who was stuffed to hang on a wall – all 18 feet of him) and got my arm which the doctors were able to reattach. And I even got a freezer of shark steaks (wanna eat the shark that ate my arm?).

And I was interviewed on the Today show and the story was all over the news and I was a hero. And some awards – like MTV or something – gave me the “Bad Ass of the Year” award. And I gave a big speech at the awards and everyone loved me. I was totally famous, a hero, and a known bad-ass. It was awesome.

So is there any wonder what I’D like in life? Hmmm… I don’t know… recognition, adoration, respect and love?

Does a shark have to bite off my arm for me to get that?


These past few nights I’ve caught some late-night reruns of 24. These are the first episodes I’d ever seen. They were about someone bombing LA and they had to find the bomb. And I knew the season finale was tonight so I was pleased to finish up the story line.

So tonight I sit down to watch it with my mom and tell her how I’d been watching it these past few nights and how good it was (she doesn’t watch) and I said I didn’t know who he two people on the screen were. She told me it was the president and his wife and I said nuh – uh cause the president is black. This led to a huge argument between us (neither of which has seen more than 2 episodes of the show). Apparently I was watching episodes from some other season.

Well, dammit.

I feel so jipped. People have been telling me to watch this show and here I gave it a go and got screwed. I saw the finale which sucked, probably because I hadn’t seen a lick of the show – and I’ll never see the finale to the episodes I watched. How lame. I give up – I like Medium better anyway.

Angel Food Ministries

This is for anyone who buys groceries. If you haven’t heard of Angel Food Ministries, you should check them out. Everyone qualifies, there are no applications or requirements. It’s a ministry to help with your groceries every month. For a very small price (25 dollars) you get a ton of great quality food. Check out the June menu – I’m picking up the Grill Box Special: 6 4-oz. Chicken Breasts, 4 8-oz. Sirloin Strip Steaks, 4 4-oz. Hamburger, 4 4oz Boneless Pork Chops, 1 16oz Italian Sausage – all for 18 bucks. Now tell me you couldn’t use a bunch of chicken, burgers, and STEAK for 18 bucks. I’m also picking up the menu box (you have to buy at least one before you can buy any specials) which includes lots of meats and veggies plus things like peanut butter and eggs.

What an awesome ministry! This really will help with the grocery bill – just the meat alone is totally worth it. There’s a lot of it I won’t use – like the ribs and chicken on a bone – but I can give that to my family or even a neighbor and be a blessing to someone else. I called my family to tell them about it and they’re going to order a few boxes too. If you’re interested, check out the website: (link goes to the menu – not the main page). You place your order with one of the listed “host” churches (before June 12th) and pick up your food at that church on June 24th. Plus some of the money goes to the church as a donation. This is totally win win for everybody! Don’t feel like this is for “other” people – this is for all of us. Plus the money goes to keep supporting the ministry and a part of it goes to the host church as a straight up donation. And hell, I’m dirt poor and this will give me loads of REAL meals for less than I’d pay for 2 meals usually. I’m going to be keeping up with this ministry for sure.

Polish guy takes it!

I havn't been religiously following ABC's "American Inventor" but I have caught a few shows here and there. I knew from the beginning that the Polish guy deserved to win and I was gonna gripe to high heaven if he didn't.

He won!

Congrats to Mr. Janusz Liberkowski for winning with his "Anecia" (a revolutionary new car seat)! I'm so psyched that he won -- they better hurry up and get that thing approved and on the market cause I'm SO BUYING that when I have a kid. I'm serious. The whole thing is AMAZING and a totally new concept in car safety. He deserved to win. I wanted him to win because I think his product needs to get on the market. I'm totally serious about buying one when I have a kid. And dude, his commercial brought a tear to my eye -- he was so right in screwing the ad company and going out on his own.

And if you are wondering: YES, I totally voted for him. I voted for him 4 times (the max was 5). I spent like 40 minutes trying to get through those 4 times too -- but it was important. Screw american idol -- this guys invention can save my future kids life and I'd have been damned if a board game was going to win over him.

Go polish guy!

Thought Vomit

So I know -- well, think -- I'm past the dye your whole head pink phase/age, but how about just some pink streaks at the front? I kinda want to leave my hair almost all brown and just dye the very front a color. Perhaps just blond? Or is that look way out of date and ugly?

At least I don't have to deal with that whole "what will people/my friends think!?" question because I have no people and I have no friends. So hell, I can totally do whatever I want ;) I wish hair people were open on Mondays -- I always seem to get the kick to have it dyed on a Monday. But they're closed because they work on Saturdays so they take Monday off.

I'm heading back to Huntsvile tonight. I really suppose I could wait till tomorrow but I'm sleeping on Moms couch so I have no "me space" so I think I'd get a better nights sleep at my place. Of course I feel selfish in this even though I know I shouldn't. And who says I'll sleep better? I might lay in bed and stare at the shadows fearing that ANY SECOND that guy from hell raiser will jump out at me and mumble something about a box I shouldn't have opened.

Time for another go

I’ve been in a rather bad mood all day. Really it’s spurred because I’ve been very down today – just depressed. I feel kinda bad admitting that when I’ve got so many good things going for me right now. But I’ve been very sad all day which has progressed to me being pissy.

I’m going to start taking Paxil. Whats this -- round 7 on the meds? I’ve been wanting to get off Effexor for a while now – I can’t remember if I mentioned that or not. It doesn’t have the full effect that it had before I had the surgery – I need a higher dose but I refuse to go any higher because that’s an obnoxiously high dose and lord knows I could never afford it. Plus I get so sick when I miss a dose – I don’t like that – it makes me feel crazy.

Though I’m infinitely better than I would be if I were on nothing – so maybe I shouldn’t mess with a good thing? Who knows – we shall see. I’m afraid I’ll get depressed and have anxiety attacks during the switch or that I’ll get super sick (before I got used to it, I was very sick – as in running a fever dog sick). And what if Paxil doesn’t work for me? Zoloft and Cymbalta didn’t. I’ve got to find a balance between something that works, something my body will absorb well enough, and something I can afford. I hate to admit it, but the “something I can afford” is unfortunately the number 1 priority – not my health LOL

When ever I can afford to get this filled, I’m going to start taking a very tiny dose of Paxil – something like 15mg. That’s in addition to the Effexor which won’t change. Once I get used to that and if I do BETTER and not worse – then we shall up the Paxil a bit and drop the Effexor a bit. Per my request, we’re going to do it very slowly. Only problem is that this will be very expensive because I’ll have THREE prescriptions to pay 100% for. And is Paxil even going to be cheaper than Effexor? I’m not sure…

I’m going to try it though in an effort to get to a point where anxiety attacks aren’t even in the picture and maybe I’ll be happy that I have an awesome place to live and my dream car :)

Here we go again…

I feel like I should post something noncontroversial and happy

So here we go :) Tomorrow is the ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY of my surgery. I'm down to 225lbs. April last year I was 325 and on the date of surgery I was 313. So yay :) I'm also wearing some cute little size 18s from Old Navy (as opposed to size 28s from elsewhere).

Blah Blah Blah

Wow, that last post has more comments than my average number of daily visitors. That’s either totally awesome or totally pathetic depending on how you look at it. Same goes for the RGIS post that got Wikipedia-d. I’ll also have you know that if you Google “RGIS sucks” I’m the number 1 result and linked from the number 2. Yes, stirring up debate on the internet really is quite fun.

And about the apartment pictures: I was going to post them but I keep changing things and every time I change something, I’d want to post a new picture --- and well, you don’t care – so I’m gonna wait a bit before I post them and get all settled in. Steph came by to see it yesterday and she can attest to its awesomeness.

I’m still LOVING my new place to itty-bitty pieces. I’ll love it even more when I get internet access. Jack is in Birmingham with mom so I spent the night there these past two nights without my emotional-crutch-pet. I gotta admit – it’s way more scary without the cat. I kept hearing noises and without Jack there to react if someone was breaking in and about to stab me through the shower curtain, it was kinda creepy. I kept imagining some freak from a horror movie with deformities and scars on their face drooling over my bed while I slept. I know, I told you I was a pussy – this is why you can never allow me to watch horror movies.

Oh and something is falling off the Beetle. I’m not real sure what it is or if it is a vital part, but it’s hanging down and scraping the road. That can’t be good.

My blind Apple fandom is over**

Addendum: To all the lovely visitors (hi!) who can’t stand to hear anyone even THINK of badmouthing Apple: Please see the addendum at the bottom

That’s right folks, it’s over -- possibly forever. Fuck Apple**. In fact, fuck Steve Jobs too because I want to make it personal -- but especially fuck Apple and their fucking “Apple Care” that I paid three-hundred-fucking-dollars for. I’m sorry if cursing offends you, I’m just slightly irked at the moment. Why? Well, let me tell you:

So I sent my baby (Powerbook G4) in for repairs… again. The Ethernet port is loose and the fan still doesn’t work even though they said they fixed it last time I sent it to them. Yet the thing will still reach 150 degrees without even considering turning the fan on – so sure, if you consider having a silent fan that never turns on a solution to the problem, then yeah it’s fixed. What the hell do I know – maybe Apple figured out how to magically cool the computer components without it actually cooling off because they’re that awesome. No.

Anyway, so I sent it in for repairs under my lovely Apple Care extended warranty. I got it back yesterday. Yay! My babys home! But there was something fishy about it. For one, it just didn’t feel right. Say what you will, but it didn’t feel like my baby (perhaps it was just because it was cool from being turned off and stored in a backroom for a few days when I’m used to it being 150 degrees in my lap. That’s alright though – I know it’s mine because the finish on the latch has worn off. So I look over the paperwork – they replaced the fan – awesome. Hey, how about that Ethernet port? Oh wait… they didn’t touch that. Nice – now I’m gonna have to send it back. But that can wait because when I have internet installed at my new place, I’m gonna be wireless anyway so who needs an Ethernet port? Let’s boot it up!


Big problem.


It boots like the first time it’s ever booted. And not only that – but it’s booting into fucking PANTHER. 10.3? You’ve got to be kidding me! Oh look – it’s welcoming me to Apple. Somehow this little show that was so cool and exciting the first time I saw it is now infuriating me to the point that tears are welling up in my eyes and I think I’m starting to twitch. They erased my hard drive.


Wait what? Since when does replacing a fan mean you have to erase my entire fucking hard drive? Oh wait – maybe they backed up my data. Lets not jump to conclusions here. So I go through the entire Panther setup process and open up my home folder… nothing. It’s gone. All of it. ALL OF IT. Everything is gone – three years of my life is GONE.

Think I’m over exaggerating? NO I’M NOT. All my music is gone – All of it! I’m going to try to get it off my iPod but with the success rate I get trying to get stuff from my iPod to Audioscrobbler I’m not going to count on it. In fact I’m afraid to even try because if the computer wipes the iPod then I don’t have any of it in any form. 10 gigs of music is gone. And some of that I just CAN’T get back. I’ve spent over 200 dollars buying music from iTunes over the past three years and you can’t get that stuff back. They won’t let you redownload it and it’s not like I made copies. It’s gone. Gone. Bye-bye.

My pictures. All the pictures I’ve taken for 3 years – gone. They were all digital – no hard copy exists. Pictures of friends I’ve had that I will probably never see again – gone. In fact everything but the fading memories of those relationships is gone. All the IM archives – all the emails and pictures from trips I’ve taken – gone. All my Third Day pictures gone. All my family pictures gone. All of them. Gone. Forever. They’re not coming back. Ever.

My programs. All of them. Not even just the programs but the entire fucking operating system. 10.4 is gone. Photoshop, Microsoft Office, Virtual PC, Windows XP, tons of compilers, all the programs I have (oh wait, make that HAD) for school, Ecto, Quicktime Pro… who knows what I can’t remember this second – give me a moment BECAUSE I’M IN SHOCK.

But Karen, don’t you have the serial numbers for all those programs? Just reinstall them.

Yes, I have the serial numbers… I have them on my computer… OH WAIT – THEY WIPED THAT.

All my art… I don’t keep any art – I give it away to people who will look at it and appreciate it. I only keep pictures. So all of my drawings, sculptures, paintings, stained glass, and what-not – I have no record of it. No portfolio to show. And hell the photoshop work – well yeah, naturally that’s gone too.

I can’t believe it. I’m just – shocked. I kinda want to cry. It’s all gone. And not gone as in “I’m gonna freak out until I get it back gone” – no, it’s totally gone and not coming back. I have a blank computer with an out of date operating system.

It’s kinda hard to express how I feel at the moment. Most of you will never understand – and of those of you who do understand, you’ll just say I’m an idiot for not having back ups.** You – yes you, if I took your computer and wiped it right now with no warning – are you completely backed up? And if you are well then fuck you I wasn’t and this isn’t about you.

Hey Apple, thanks for the heads up. Thanks for calling me to make sure I had a backup of the past three years of my life before you decided that it was necessary to WIPE MY HARD DRIVE SO YOU COULD INSTALL A FUCKING FAN. Jesus Christ – why did you even need to wipe it anyway? And with all that space you have, you couldn’t spare a few gigs for 30 minutes to perhaps backup some of my shit? YOU COULDN’T CALL ME?

Gone. It’s all so gone. My mind keeps jumping back and forth between the music and the programs and the pictures. The pictures. The pictures of people I’ll never see again. The trips that I took. Only memories. I have a bad memory as you well know.

I mean… why’d they have to wipe it anyway?

So yeah, I’m back at the beginning of my Mac experience. The beginning where I had no programs and just a stock computer. No cute penguin desktop – the drive isn’t even named MRDD anymore because Izzy thought it was funny to call my computer and me retarded. There’s no media on it. No pictures. No music. The dock is all ugly and in the wrong place. And I’ve no desire to fix it. None. I’m going to turn it off and put it away in its case until I get internet next month and can somehow start over with it. I’ve no desire to play with it or be reminded of all that is lost. It’s no longer my baby – it’s just a cold metal laptop that won’t even meet my needs until I round up all the programs I need again.

Holy shit I’m actually going to cry because they erased my computer.

So yeah, that whole wonderful blind mac-is-awesome faith that I once had going is gone. I don’t know if it’s this experience in particular or if it’s a general de-mystification that’s been building, but for some reason it’s been wiped from my soul in the same way everything was wiped from my hard drive. And just to let you know what I mean: Mom was going to get a mac when she could afford it. I mean it’ll be great for her – she’s no good with computers so I think she’d love the simple elegance of the operating system. But she can’t afford it right now – their cheapest laptop is a thousand dollars. And we were waiting – but I think I’ll just tell her to go ahead and get a PC. You can get a PC that is just as fast for a third of that price. And yeah, it’ll be a piece of shit and worthless in 2 years – but then we can buy another one and still be cheaper than if we had bought an ibook. And hell, maybe by then someone will have hacked the OS or Apple will have released the OS to run on a PC anyway. Right now I honestly have lost the reason why we’ve been saving up the money to get an iBook. Why have I made her wait so long on getting a computer? What makes that laptop so worth a thousand dollars when she barely knows how to use a computer anyway?

I’m really upset about this. Kinda angry but more hurt. It’s like my house burned down and insurance thinks that just building the house back will fix it. It won’t ever be the place that it was. Ever. And some things can’t be replaced. It was just data – 1s and 0s – but at the same time, it was more than that.

I’d post a picture of me flipping off Apple, but really I’m more sad than angry at the moment and that would require using the computer which I’ve absolutely no desire to touch.

**Addendum: Of course I've heard of back ups and yes this is my fault and not Apples and yes there is a clause that states they aren't responsible for lost data or I'd be raising hell with them. This is why there's a little sentence in that long rant that went a little something like this:

"Most of you will never understand – and of those of you who do understand, you’ll just say I’m an idiot for not having back ups."

This is a cautionary tale for us idiots out there who don't have back ups. I'm an idiot -- I've never denied this.

Another Addendum: This is a personal rant on a personal blog written while I’m kinda upset. I bitch when I’m happy so you can be damn well certain that I’m gonna bitch about this. No it’s not Apples fault and I never said I hated Apple -- I said my blind lust for them is gone. They're still better computers.

A note from work

Just to let you know, if you're ever at UAH late at night or early in the morning especially on the weekend -- use the elevators at your own risk. I say this because the idiot supposedly working the front desk at CCRH is apparently not there or is choosing to ignore your alarm and cries for help. This leaves you with one more option -- the emergency phone which calls me. Now I could usually be of more help I suppose -- except that maitenance isn't on duty yet and the manager on call refuses to answer his god damn cell phone and the elevator company needs my account number like I fucking own the damn thing. So I'll dispatch you an officer while I call my supervisor and beg for help -- but he doesn't have an elevator key, so all he can really do is keep you company. But I'm gonna go ahead and do that even though hes trying to TURF it to maitenence because if I personally were stuck in an elevator at CCRH, I'd want someone to talk to.

BTW, you should know those things break down like every other day -- there really should be a warning on the door that says "use at your own lazy risk."

Its great that you're not claustrophobic or anything though. And apparently you don't watch a lot of horror movies - cause I'd be kinda scared if I were you. And to answer that annoying voice in your head -- yeah, you really should have stayed in bed this morning. I mean who the fuck is awake at 7AM on Sunday anyway?

But hang in there buddy, I got your back. Call me if you start to have a panic attack or something, because I might get in trouble for it -- but if I have to, I'll just call the damn fire department. I'm pretty sure the fire department has a universal elevator key or something.

Must. Get. Internet.

I somehow justified coming to a computer lab across town to check my email. Well, I'm over here anyway to pick up my paycheck and Tech Hall is RIGHT THERE. I mean it wouldn't hurt just to run in and check it? Right? The fact that I never get any real email is totally moot because what if this is the one time that I did? What if someone sent me something totally important and I havn't seen it because I havn't checked my email in 2 days? TWO DAYS.

This just proves that it will totally be worth 60 dollars a month to have wireless highspeed at my apartment. Mmmm. I'm drooling at the thought. I'll be okay though because this weekend I'll get paid to sit in front of a computer with highspeed access for 16 hours. I should get my fix in.

Oh and BTW, gas is way cheaper over here (2.70 as opposed to 2.86) and I had to wait in a line of cars to get gas at this cheap station. Then when it's finally my turn -- what happens? I accidently got PREMIUM. 2-fucking-90. And not just a little -- I filled the fucking tank. Someone hit me.

[PS -- I took pictures of my place to post -- I'll do that tomorrow while I'm at work]

Holy Shit! I’ve been Wikipedia-d!

A long long time ago, I ranted off a post about RGIS. Since then, many people have dropped in to comment on their experience with the company. I just figured a lot of people googled "RGIS sucks." Then today I found that that rant is listed on the RGIS Wikipedia page. Wow. Thanks to whoever wrote that -- I kinda wish I had better grammar and didn't curse so much now...

Of course even with that totally awesome and very respectable link, I’m lucky to get 20 hits a day. Glad to know that my antisocial nature and trouble meeting people extends to my online persona as well. Woo!

BTW, I have no idea when this started, but I’ve taken to saying “woo” a lot lately. And not just in type – I think I’ve said it out loud a few times. Good lord I’m such a geek.

Sing it with me now: I’m gonna fail my finals – I’m gonna fail my finals. I’m gonna fail out of school and be penny-less and alone and my psychiatrist will only point out that yes I am penniless and alone and still fat and it’s all my fault and then I’ll ask him why I pay him so much to make me feel worse and he’ll say he’s just telling me the truth and then I’ll will my cat to Steph and shoot myself. {Back to the chorus:} I’m gonna fail my finals – I’m gonna fail my finals…

Moved in

Well, I moved Sunday. Apparently God was not happy with Sunday as a moving day because He seemed to have spited it in every way possible. The weather was beyond bad. Turns out that ALL of my family came to help which was super awesome – No one ever comes to visit (except for mom) so even though we had to move, I was psyched to get to visit with everyone. Of course we all have instant tempers (I’d say quick, but instant is more like it) so everyone was in a horrible mood and there was much snapping and yelling. In fact it was so much fun that, on my second trip to Walmart in 30 minutes, I called Steph to cry and tell her how bad it was going which was met with pure unadulterated laughter from her end. I’m glad SOMEONE found it all amusing because I’m still freaking out about it.

I did write everyone thank you cards though – I’ll mail them when I get a chance. I felt horrible that it was so much work because I have so much stuff. I tried to be a gracious host – I had bought plenty of drinks (even soda which I can’t drink) and made brownies and sausage rolls to snack on. It didn’t help.

My apartment is beyond awesome. In fact it is so awesome that I feel really bad. I don’t deserve such a nice place. I also feel bad that I’m the youngest with an awesome apartment and neither of my sisters live on their own. I just feel really bad, you know? And everyone kept saying things like “wow, most ADULTS don’t have places nearly this nice.” Which made me feel worse because it’s so true. And mom tells me to just enjoy it because the world would be a pretty bad place if we got what we REALLY deserved (which is kinda like a backhanded comment in a way) – but it’s kinda hard to enjoy it when you feel so guilty and don’t have anyone to share it with.

Though that said, I’ve spent 2 nights there alone and I absolutely LOVE it. I’ve got to get pictures up when I get a chance. And I love having so much SPACE. MY space. Love it.

Anyone want to visit? I wish I had someone to visit and show it off to. Plus I’ve got a couch AND a futon so there’s tons of room for guests to sleep over.

And the furniture is dry now.

Yes, all the furniture (which is borrowed) came up from Birmingham… in the pouring rain. It was drenched. Actually, “drenched” doesn’t begin to describe it. Everyone and everything was just soaked. And tempers were flaring left and right. At one point, my sister just screamed at me for no reason. I had to fight back crying. I wanted it to be a happy time -- my own place! And to have fun unpacking and placing things – but it wasn’t. Everyone INSISTED on staying until every box was unpacked. So instead of it being a fun process, it was just everyone yelling about where does this go and why do I need this – and how they never had this much stuff when THEY were in college. And dad has been awesome – like hes a completely different guy (well, until move in day when he threw my table and chairs and since they landed right side up he ran over and kicked them because just throwing them wasn’t enough). He bought me pots and pans for the kitchen and a awesome brand new table and chairs and a microwave and he paid the pet deposit and all sorts of stuff (I didn’t ask for any of it). This pissed my sister off to no end. He’s already bought me the car (which I also didn’t ask for) and he’s not given her anything. Not only that, but he OWES her a ton of money that he refuses to pay her back and she needs it because summer tuition is due soon. Not to mention the fact that I have this awesome place and she still lives with him. So yeah, she was pissed as fuck. Which really helped the festive atmosphere of the day.

I can’t blame her though, I’d be pissed as fuck too. I just wish she’d be pissed at dad and not me. I mean I know I don’t deserve this but I didn’t ASK for it either. And THIS is why I feel bad. Why can’t I just be happy and enjoy all the awesomeness? I’ve got my cat and a new job and my DREAM car and now I have my own place which is beyond awesome. And I’m feeling guilty about it. Damn shame.

I’ll get pictures up soon – it’s not done cause I don’t have anything on the walls yet but I gotta share it with someone. Anyone wanna take a vacation to Alabama? Free lodging! The futon is super comfy – I slept on it the other night because it was the only thing that was even partially dry. And I bought lots of air fresheners so the place won’t smell like wet furniture and old apartment LOL

Well anyway, I’m in a computer lab because I’ve got finals tomorrow. Ugh. Someone say a prayer – If I don’t do awesome tomorrow, then I am fucked. As in fucked fucked. Seriously. If I do well then this next school year is paid for by a miracle of God. If I do bad even on just one, well then I can’t afford to stay in school much less to live in that apartment. There’s a lot riding on tomorrow and I’m freaking out.

I can’t wait until Thursday when I have a day off with not a worry (lie – ill worry about how I did on the finals and if I’ll get to stay in school or not). But I can pretend to relax and think about where to hang things on the wall and pet the cat and watch the local channels which come in really well with the rabbit ear antenna. Oh and I can take pictures to post!

So yall all say a prayer and if you have my phone number give me a call so I can gush about the good things and not stew over the bad. :)

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