So all day I've been super psyched about my 80 pound weight loss (even though I had another anxiety attack this afternoon). It's nice to feel like I've lost some for a change.

But then I can't help but fall back into the fact that I have 80 more pounds to lose to make my goal... which will still be "obese" by medical standards. And technically I have to lose 80 to hit that goal and I've only lost 68 since the surgery. Can I really make that? Dammit. Plus I was talking to a friend of mine and I joked that I weighed twice as much as she does... and then it occurred to me that she's super tiny and even after my 80 pound loss -- I'm still weigh more than twice what she does. You can't deny the numbers. Oh the horror of this revelation is so painful.

And you know what? After a HUGE loss of 80 pounds, 99% of guys still wouldn't give me a second glance. It doesn't matter how awesome (albeit slightly off-kilter) I am if I can't even get my foot in the goddamn door. And what's sad is that I want someone to appease me and tell my I'm beautiful, but they won't cause they don't think I am. Three psychiatrists have told me that by societies standards, I'm just not. And as a dear friend said about that: "what good would lies do me?"

So, yeah yay I've lost 80 pounds. People still see me as fat. Notice the period after "fat."

And I'm 23 and single. An no, not because I broke up with someone but because every guy I ever even remotely liked didn't even think I was worth a shot.

And yeah there's all that you have to love yourself first bullshit -- but you know what? Don't you think it would help my self confidence to have a boy friend -- someone who saw me as a beautiful person inside and out and who supported me? Just the knowledge that someone thinks I'm worth a shit -- let me lay my head down on the pillow knowing that someone out there loves me.

Yeah, I'm upset. Yes, I already took my Effexor twice today. And yeah, I even broke out the Klonoipn I keep stored away for when I REALLY freak out.

It's not helping.

I shouldn't post this -- I should pretend to be confident and happy because that's what everyone wants. No one wants ME as I am. No one. Period. Isn't THAT a happy thought?

And BTW my cats breath smells horrid.


Anonymous gerty said...

Long time reader, first time posting.
Congrats on the 80lb loss. That is awesome.

I have a question, are you saying that if you had a boyfriend that your life would be better?

I am 35, cute as hell, in a size 12 and I haven't had a boyfriend in years. Do I get lonely, hell yes. But I found that my happiness doesn't depend on me dating or having a man in my life. After I beat that into my head, life has been better for me.
I do enjoy reading your blog. :-)

4:18 PM  
Blogger Karen said...

Holy Shit I have a reader. MONKEY GRASS! (Sorry, that's a really obscure reference if you're not from the south).

hmmm how to respond, how to respond...

I do WANT a boyfriend. I want someone to share things with and cuddle up with and do other things with... I want someone to bond with. What's wrong with wanting that? And wouldn't that make me happier? Not in some grand life changing way but in having someone I WANT to be with and who wants to be with me. Aren't you always happier when you're with your friends? When you're in a relationship, doesn't being with that person cheer you up?

I don't like being alone. Sure, everyone needs some alone time and I'm no exception. But I do not like being alone every morning and every night and every hour between whatever I have to do that day. I'm lonely. And I don't want to pretend like I'm happy being single because I'm not good enough to NOT be single. I AM good enough and I want people to recognize that.

I might just be wrong here. In fact I probably am -- but that's my state of mind at the moment.

5:07 PM  
Blogger Becki said...

80 pounds is awesome! You've lost a Nicole Richie!

5:15 PM  
Blogger Karen said...

"You've lost a Nicole Richie!"

^ This made me laugh.

6:41 PM  
Anonymous Leah said...

I can't think of anything to help with the boyfriend situation, tho if it makes you feel better I'm smaller (but still need to lose some weight), and I haven't had a boyfriend in over two years. And it does spare you heartache. And, on the bright side, you do have Jack now :-)

as to the weight loss, just keep it up. You might find Joelle at www.putdownthedonut.com really inspirational. At one point in time, she was 325 pounds (or somewhere around that). She's down over 100 pounds now but still has a ways to go, and she (and a few others) blog about progress there. I've found it quite interesting.

7:57 PM  

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