"Whatever"
I'm upset. And bitter and angry and biting and depressed and lonely. And there's nothing to DO about it and no one to TELL about it and no one to TALK to about it. So it's there. Sitting.
So I went for a jog at night in the 40 degree rain. And I don't want to write what I think or feel because I'd rather not think or feel it so writing it out to read when I feel fine tomorrow will just bring me back to the same place and make me feel like even more of a failure cause I can't fix it. And I know that makes no sense but whatever, who said I had to make sense?
"Whatever."
That seems to be the cure-all when I don't want to deal with myself or when someone else doesn't want to deal with me either. Just... "whatever."
"Kiss my ass" seems to run through my head a lot. It's a simple phrase -- a nice quaint expression of anger directed at whomever I please. I should get it as a tattoo. That and "whatever." They'd make a nice pair.
I still have a cold too. Maybe I'll catch pneumonia and die and it'll be a round-about untraceable un-blame-able suicide I wouldn't have to feel guilty about. I'd rather die skinny though. Or not skinny, but a hundred pounds lighter.
I don't want to fail at the "easy" way to weight loss too. I feel like I've failed at everything I've ever tired so can I please just get one thing right? Please? I wanna lose weight and look good and I think I have a good reason for that. But when I'm upset I think of bad reasons: So I can be the skinniest person in my family instead of the fattest and everyone can "kiss my ass." So all the guys I've ever loved that never gave me a cent back on that can "kiss my ass." So all the people who never gave me a second glance can "kiss my ass." So all the times I felt so lonely and alone don't matter anymore. So 30 years from now when I have a kid and someone asks me if I ever think back and feel the way I used to... So I can lie and say no and kill just a little more of my heart. Maybe it'll finally be the part that hurts.
It makes no sense. I already regret it. I suck. I still cry a lot more than I should. It's easier to pretend you're not crying in the shower. I need one anyway.
"Whatever."
I'm gonna get my hair done this week. That'll make me happy for a few hours.
So I went for a jog at night in the 40 degree rain. And I don't want to write what I think or feel because I'd rather not think or feel it so writing it out to read when I feel fine tomorrow will just bring me back to the same place and make me feel like even more of a failure cause I can't fix it. And I know that makes no sense but whatever, who said I had to make sense?
"Whatever."
That seems to be the cure-all when I don't want to deal with myself or when someone else doesn't want to deal with me either. Just... "whatever."
"Kiss my ass" seems to run through my head a lot. It's a simple phrase -- a nice quaint expression of anger directed at whomever I please. I should get it as a tattoo. That and "whatever." They'd make a nice pair.
I still have a cold too. Maybe I'll catch pneumonia and die and it'll be a round-about untraceable un-blame-able suicide I wouldn't have to feel guilty about. I'd rather die skinny though. Or not skinny, but a hundred pounds lighter.
I don't want to fail at the "easy" way to weight loss too. I feel like I've failed at everything I've ever tired so can I please just get one thing right? Please? I wanna lose weight and look good and I think I have a good reason for that. But when I'm upset I think of bad reasons: So I can be the skinniest person in my family instead of the fattest and everyone can "kiss my ass." So all the guys I've ever loved that never gave me a cent back on that can "kiss my ass." So all the people who never gave me a second glance can "kiss my ass." So all the times I felt so lonely and alone don't matter anymore. So 30 years from now when I have a kid and someone asks me if I ever think back and feel the way I used to... So I can lie and say no and kill just a little more of my heart. Maybe it'll finally be the part that hurts.
It makes no sense. I already regret it. I suck. I still cry a lot more than I should. It's easier to pretend you're not crying in the shower. I need one anyway.
"Whatever."
I'm gonna get my hair done this week. That'll make me happy for a few hours.
Sunday, December 04, 2005 11:20 PM | Linky |
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