More pictures!

Originally uploaded by SilverBeetle.

Flickr was so easy that I wanted to post some more pictures. Don't blame me -- Izzy is the one who suggested taking pictures of my room. "Who wants to see my room?" I asked. "Who wants to see your cat?" was his smart ass reply.

So here we go: my room as it stands after having been rearranged for the cat. I added lots of comments on the photos too -- they point out a few things that might be otherwise missed.

Flickr is fun!


Originally uploaded by SilverBeetle.
I've finally made some use of my Flickr account. I've uploaded two small sets. One for Christmas & one just for my shiny new kitten Captain Jack!

The Christmas set just has three pictures. One is me and mom, one is me and my siblings opening the mother-load of presents, and the other is my poor sisters dog dressed up as Santa. My dad went and bought her a Santa suit but the dog was too fat for it so he got out the sewing machine and actually bought the materials to MAKE THE DOG A CUSTOM SANATA SUIT. Now I want you to take a moment to digest that. They wanted the dog to wear a Santa suit so bad that when the purchased suit didn't fit, he went and consciously bought the materials and thread, drug out the sewing machine, threaded the needle, measured the dog, created a pattern, cut and remeasured the material, and actually MADE the suit. Yes.

The other set is just 5 pictures of my new kitten Jack. And yes, I will continue to mention him until it is absolutely clear that I do not have a life. And then I will continue to mention him so just go ahead and accept it.

Uploading photos was extremely painless. I downloaded the program for it and just drug them over from iPhoto -- didn't even have to crop or adjust or anything. I might have to do more of this.

Missing a dose.

I spent last night rearranging my room. I've got to make room for Jack, you know. But the whole evening I just felt horrible.

I had a splitting headache which had started in the afternoon and only got progressively worse. I was anxious about work and school and money and who knows what else. And I was super lonely. So yeah, I felt really crappy. I even tried to pray about it, but I couldn't think straight enough to even figure out just WHY I was so upset (anxious, worried, lonely etc.)

I chalked it all up to my having just returned home after having had 3 weeks of vacation time. Plus I had to leave Jack at home after playing with him for almost a week solid. I just wanted to cry -- literally. I just didn't know how I was gonna make it. And finally, after a few hours of this, I went to sleep.

Then this morning after questioning what was the matter last night, I realized something. I forgot to take my Effexor. But wait -- yes I did. I got it from my bedroom and put it in my pocket so I could pet Jack and then go get some orange juice to take it with. So I got out of bed and looked in the pocket of my pants. There it was. Dammit.

But here's what bothers me: I only missed one dose (I take it twice a day). One dose and I go crazy. This isn't the first time it went down like that. It's not even that I just go to "normal." I go from straight normal - even happy - to depressed with a splitting headache in a matter of hours. Why? I know it deals with chemicals in your brain, but it seems to me that you should be able to go a bit more than 24 hours without it before suicide sounds fun.

Is there anyone out there who can relate to this? I'd really like to talk to someone who experiences the same thing. I once heard a guy say that when his girlfriend missed a dose she went bat-shit crazy and that's why he dumped her. I thought he was exaggerating. Now I realize he wasn't. Is there anything I can DO when that happens? I mean it seems like it would be obvious -- especially with the headaches that accompany it -- but it's not that simple. I can't think straight enough for it to even occur to me. It didn't occur to me until this morning... after I had taken it before bed. Is there a way to "buffer" it?

And for future reference: if I ever tell you I have a bit of a headache, please ask me if I took it. I won't take offense.

Let us welcome the new edition to the family.

Am I pregnant? No (that would require me getting laid). But I have gone out and fetched a new critter. His name is Jack. Jack the cat. I adopted him from the petstore yesterday afternoon. Technically, and more accurately, I "purchased" him. Him and a hundred and fifty dollars worth of cat "accessories."

He's just a kitten -- but not the tiny puffy-eared kind. My mother estimates that he is around three months old. So I've decided to declare that his birthday shall be celebrated every halloween. He's such a sweetie! I've never seen a cat that wanted so much attention -- nor has any one whos seen him. He just wants you to pet him. Forever. And god forbid you stop petting him to sleep -- that simply won't do. He has no aversion what-so-ever to anyone just scooping him up at any time -- for that means you might pet him. Sadly this has already led to his dislike of my laptop. The laptop takes my attention away from him. The laptop is bad.

Wanna hear how I got him? K. I thus present "The acquisition of Jack:"

So I was at Dad's house yesterday petting Penny. I half jokingly mentioned to my sister that Penny should come home with me. This led to her saying shed buy me a cat if I wanted one (that is after she tried to get me to take the other cat, Tiger). Dad heard this from the other room and they both jumped on the "I'll take you to get one right now if you want it" bandwagon. So after much trepidation on my part and encouragement from the two of them, I agreed. So dad and me went to PetSmart to look at the cats.

They had about 6 cats there. "Screamer" was the youngest. I instantly knocked out two of the ones that seemed too old and wouldn't give me a second glance much less come to the door when someone entered. I also eliminated one of the young ones who bit my finger. No biters. There were two I liked though. Screamer the beige tabby and Pancake the orange tabby. I was partial to Pancake because I wanted a orange tabby. They both loved the attention I gave them so that made it hard to choose. I then saw another cat -- but he instantly made a run for it. He was out. That led dad to say that any of them would do that if given the chance.

So I had the lady get out Screamer again. I tested him. I set him on the floor. He just stayed at my feet looking up at me to pick him back up. Ok. So I did the same thing with Pancake. Pancake walked away and hissed at my attempt to pick him back up. Well fuck you too, Pancake.

So I filled out the papers for Screamer. What a sweetheart! Two little girls who were looking for cats wanted him. But I had got there first. I didn't even feel bad about it. Does that make me evil? I wanted Screamer too -- and anyway, I called it first. One of the moms told the little girl that they'd have to "come back for screamer." Liar. We bought everything in the world that he would possibly need and he came home with me!

I had wanted to go with a name like Pavlov or Newton or Einstein or maybe Magellan. But nothing like that seemed to fit him. So I named him Jack. Everyone has fallen in love with him. He loves attention and he loves to play.

My nephew Cole came to visit him this morning. He asked me what the rest of his name was. I told him it was just Jack but Cole just couldn't accept that there wasn't more to his name. So I went with the first thing that came to my mind -- I told him it was Jack Sparrow (thats for you, Johnny Depp). This pleased mom greatly and she added that it was CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow. So now everyones calling him Captain Jack.

Hes sitting in my lap pawing at my hands as I type this. He'll go home to live with me in Huntsville on Thursday :) Expect lots of mentions of him. Oh and pictures. I'd post a picture but I'm on dial-up and that's just not cool. I'll post one first thing this weekend -- I promise.

And just a passing thought here... would it be mean to dye him blue? That's animal cruelty isn't it? Yeah... I mean that would just be mean. Don't you think?

Why -- WHY!?

Johnny Damon has leff the Red Sox for the Yankees. AS IF that weren't enough to make you vomit, he also shaved his adorable beard and cut his gorgeous hair.


I shall go mourn now. There shall be many tears shed on the Damon shrine. WHY, JOHNNY, WHY?!

Merry Christmas! (and Christmas Eve)!

And to celebrate, here's a favorite of us southeners:

Alabama - Christmas In Dixie Lyrics
(Randy Owen/Teddy Gentry/Jeff Cook/Mark Herndon)

By now in New York City.
There's snow on the ground.
And out in California.
The sunshines' falling down.
And maybe down in Memphis, Graceland's all in lights.
And in Atlanta, Georgia, there's peace on earth tonight.

Christmas in Dixie, its snowing in the pines.
Merry Christmas from Dixie to everyone tonight.

Its windy in Chicago.
The kids are out of school.
There's magic in Motown.
The city's on the move.
In Jackson, Mississippi to Charlotte, Caroline.
And all across the Nation, its a peaceful Christmas time.

Christmas in Dixie, its snowing in the pines.
Merry Christmas from Dixie, to everyone tonight.
And from Fort Payne, Alabama..Merry Christmas tonight.

I hope you all have a WONDERFUL Christmas :)


It's 6:30 and I'm laying in bed. All the sudden I see a spider on my hand. Naturally, I panic, throw it off and jump up to turn on the lights.

Only problem is, I honestly can't tell if I was dreaming or awake. Was there really a spider? Had I been sleeping or just lying in bed? I thought I was just lying in bed. It COULD have been a dream... but what if it was real? I searched the bed and can't find it. I think it was a brown recluse. Do you know how bad brown recluse bites can get?

What if it bit me? Like I seriously think it might have bit me. You don't feel it when they first bite you.


Help me. I'm afraid to get back in bed.

What. A. Long. Day.

I had to open at work. I was so tired this morning that I almost just called in. Turns out my instincts were right.

So I get up, get ready, head for work. 2 flat tires on the way. Yeah, you read that right -- TWO flat tires. "How the hell do you get TWO flats," they ask -- well you start by being me. Actually, to say "flat" is a major understatement. I had one "flat" and one tire that died. The tread split open. It died. It's dead.

But I don't get off until 4. So all day I had to sit there and think about how the hell I was going to get the car TO a place to buy new tires and how much that was going to cost me. On my lunch break, I got out my portable compressor and spent 25 minutes trying to revive that half of the car. Please note that while I was on my hands and knees with a car that is obviously half on the ground, many men walked past me. A policeman walked past me. A ugly woman even got a cigarette to smoke while she watched me. No one said a word -- no offer of help, no offer of a ride, no offer of a phone to use, no sympathies -- Merry Christmas to you fuckers too.

Work was a mess. We didn't have time to stop -- period. It was a constant barrage of "procrastinators" that I wanted to slap. Lots of rude customers today. One lady gave me a bitching rant on how much she hated those membership deals when I asked her, as I am required to do, if she'd like one. I'd recap her rant for you -- but to be honest, I tuned her out after "you know..." My manager wouldn't even give me a break to handle my car troubles -- I had to wait a few hours till my lunch rolled around.

And let me insert a small special rant here. I'm particularly bothered by the people who don't pay attention. There's a line of 20 people -- when I say "next customer" -- you should be listening. if I have to say it 3 times REALLY loudly so much so that everyone in line wants to punch you -- well you should have to go to the end of the line. This happens ALL THE TIME. When I'm standing in line for a long time, I tend to pay attention so I know when it's my turn. Not the BN shoppers. I never even had THAT problem when I worked at Target. After this one guy - "I can help the next customer!... Sir, I can take you over here! SIR! -- I can get the next person. SIR, I CAN CHECK YOU OUT!" I said fuck it and went and got my bottle of water. I swear everyone in the line was furious. I can only do so much.

And whats with the gift cards? We have three displays of gift cards right there in your face -- why can you not find them? One lady asked me about them, I said "they're right here." I touched the display of them -- it was right next to me. BIG display here and I'm touching it telling you that they are right here. She picks up a notepad and says "THESE are gift cards?" NO YOU FUCKING IDIOT -- what the hell is wrong with these people? Then another guy got upset because we didn't have 40 dollar cards. "You can choose a blank one which can be made for ANY amount you choose" "But I want 40 dollars." "Just pick any one of these." "But I want 40 dollars." "Sir, i can put 40 dollar on any of these (again indicating the display of cards." He ended up getting furious and storming out after some more back and forth. I even suggested that he could buy 2 20s or 4 10s -- but no. We didn't have one specifically for FOURTY.

Ok, where was I? Oh, and no I wasn't a bitch at work. I even had on a Santa hat -- 3 people even told me how cheerful I was. Bull-fucking-shit.

So I get off a little after 4. Mom was nice enough to call around and find the nearest firestone for me -- she told them that I'd need 2 tires and that I'd get off work at 4. So I pump air into the tires knowing full well that it probably won't make it all the way there.

At a stop sign I am begged for money by a man who ran out of gas. Tons of people around -- no one will help him. I listened to his plight -- when he walked up to the car he already said that I looked like I already thought he was crazy. I said, no thats not it and gave him a 5 dollar bill explaining the tire thing and why I looked pissed as fuck. He then KICKED the tires. "Please don't do that again." He was quiet grateful though -- even ran out in traffic to stop the cars so I could pull out. I like that out of all the people supposedly in the "holiday spirit," my dirt-poor ass in a horrible mood was the only one willing to spot a man a few dollars for gas. Reminds me of all the people who didn't even give me a second glance when I was OBVIOUSLY having car problems.

So I pull into Firestone -- you know, the one who knew I was coming. They couldn't "fit me in." He could do it in the morning though if I could bring it back. Yeah. HALF THE CARS ON THE GROUND, YOU MORON.

So more air -- not that the firestone guys would even help me with THAT. So I took it to the other Firestone. There I waited an hour with a bitch hurricane Katrina victim. Man, she got on my nerves so bad. Then I dished out 150 dollars -- three times my paycheck today -- for 2 new tires. I NEED 4 new tires and I know this. They are in horrible shape, but I just didn't have enough money to buy 4. BUT I'LL HAVE NEW HUBCAPS!

So I get my tires and now its 6 o'clock. Well, I was going to cook dinner tonight, but I just didn't feel like it anymore. So I went to Olive Garden to get some take out. How long can it take to put pasta in a bowl? Apparently it can take 45 minutes.

I JUST got home. I have absolutely no money.

What a LOOOOONG day.

To watch or not to watch

This week I've been watching the new game show "Lets Make a Deal" on NBC. It's going to come on in about 20 minutes. So I'm at a loss. Do I drive home now and miss it -- or should I stay in Birmingham and watch it THEN drive home?

Have yall seen it yet? It's a simple game but it's fun to yell at the TV. Great suspense in it too -- though if you ask me, there is just too much talking on the show. I want to tell them to just shut up and decide!

Did you know the host (Howie Mandel) is a germ-a-phobe? He played celebrity poker with surgical gloves and won't shake anyone's hands or use his hands to touch anything. Fascinating. I'm going to have to watch the next episode just to see if he touches anything.

Well, I still don't know if I'm leaving now or in an hour... I have to open at work tomorrow and close on Christmas Eve -- so if you're in Huntsville, stop by and say hey :)

Gift packaging etiquette?

I have a few questions here. About gift packaging to be exact.

The first question I have is about reusing the gift BAGS. I was raised on this one, and I've never cared much or given it much though either way. Sometimes the same bags pop up under our tree -- who cares? As a person with two jobs and tons of coworkers, presents are constantly coming in for my mom and she's giving tons of stuff out. So is reusing a gift bag tacky? What are you supposed to do with all those gift bags besides trash them? Obviously, questioning reusing bags is "cheap" -- but you ARE talking to a girl raised in bankruptcy.

The other question I have is on quality of gift-wrapping supplies. First, the tape. Now I never think about tape -- I just go to the store and buy it. I usually end up buying the cheapest on the shelf -- it's just tape to hold the folds of the paper together. But the other day, while watching a commercial for the shiny new Scott "contour design" tape, I commented that "why do you care what your [throw-away] tape dispenser looks like?" This comment was met by a "not everyone is cheap." Mind you, that was a low-blow. But does buying the store brand TAPE make you cheap? I mean it's tape -- why buy the clear tape thats 2.79 when I can get the clear tape thats 99 cents? I never thought that made me "cheap."

The next 'question' I have is on wrapping paper. I say, the only time you need to get the really expensive paper is when it's a wedding or a gift that is by itself. Under my dads tree, there's a good 50 individually wrapped presents. These presents will be unwrapped all at once and the paper thrown away. Why should they be wrapped in hallmark paper? I also like the cheesy kinda paper. I can appreciate the gorgeous papers, yes -- but I like when my presents are wrapped with goofy penguins.

While looking for paper this year, I looked at BN, Target, Hallmark, & Walmart. I ended up going with Walmart because those fucking reindeer holding up the "NOEL" sign cracked me up. I would also like to note that penguin wrapping paper was nowhere to be found this season -- whats up with that? I didn't buy the 8-dollar wrapping paper sold at my place of work because I thought it was a waste of money. I didn't give this a second thought until I took my presents over to put under dad's Christmas tree. I presented the reindeer wrapping paper and was met with a very sarcastic (and rude) "Oh, so you're buying everything at BN now?" Then, of course, I had to reply that it actually came from Walmart & I couldn't afford BN wrapping paper anyway -- and I totally felt like white trash right then.

So I'm cheap? I never give gifts that look bad -- ask anyone. I take pride in wrapping and tying bows and such. But I don't see why the wrapping matters enough to make you "cheap" if you use the 99-cent tape. Isn't the GIFT what matters?

I'm not claiming to be upper class here -- I make 50 bucks a week. I HAVE to be frugal. I'd love to give everyone cars for Christmas and pay 50 dollars for a gigantic bow to go on the top -- but I'm not quite in that income bracket. And it angers me for anyone to imply that my gift means any less because I didn't pay 2 dollars more for my tape and 10 dollars more for the paper. And if I literally have a stack of 20 gift bags sitting on the counter that suffered all the wear and tear of sitting on someone's desk before being handed to me and then folded and stacked with the rest -- well I really don't feel too terribly bad about grabbing one of those to package a candle in.

Last minute shoppers

It is beyond me why anyone would consider shopping this weekend. It's already hell outside -- I've been trying to convince myself to go to the store, but I just don't want to get out in the craziness. And stores encourage it with "last minute" sales. Crazy.

My mother said that some people like to wait this late to do their shopping. WHY? Even if you didn't have to battle every crazy person in the world, it's so late -- what if you can't find what you are looking for? Do people REALLY Christmas shop on Christmas Eve? The only way I can see this justified is if you found out that on Christmas you were going to have to go see your great aunt and now you need something to give her.

And the only people you're going to see on Christmas are probably your family and close friends. If you've forgotten to get someone a gift and you won't see them till next year, get them something at an "after Christmas sale." Nothing wrong with that if no one knows.

I have to go home to work this weekend, and I just know work is going to be super hectic. And I will have to bite my tongue at all the people who are buying Christmas presents on Christmas Eve.

People are crazy. That's all there is to it. Crazy and stupid.

On bug problems

I have something to address. Someone did a google for "family is covered in itchy bites cat and dog will not stop itching cam feel them jumping and crawling on me" today and came across my little spot here. I have a few things to say about this. First: Ew, fleas. Second: this is not a good way to search for things. When you google something, you do not spout out fragmented thoughts in a panic. Keep the three S's: short, simple, & sweet. Perhaps a better search for your query would have been "dog itchy bites" or -- hell, I don't know -- maybe even something simple like "fleas."

Also, I feel your pain. The only solution here is bug-bombs. At least 3-times the recommended amount. Yes there is that pesky urban legend about blowing up your house with bug-bombs -- but the great guys of Myth Busters tested this out for us and deemed it bullshit. So bomb the hell out of your house -- it's the only way. And wash the cat and dog and give them flea medication and flea collars and put them in the backyard where they belong. Oh and spray your yard and the entire exterior of your house with some sort of flea spray. I know this seems like overkill -- but if you miss just one flea they're going to come back with a vengeance -- kill the fuckers once and for all. It is war. This same overkill/war approach should be used with any type of bug infestation -- everything from ants to millipedes to ladybugs. And if you've never seen a house infested with ladybugs -- count yourself lucky. One lady bug is cute. A million ladybugs covering your ceiling and walls and making little "thud" noises when they fall dead to the floor is totally not cute.

7 Months Post-Op

Wow, everyone in my family wears the same size now... INCLUDING ME! HA! My mom pulled out some shirts she picked up at old navy to get my opinion. She could keep them for herself but she didn't need them. Then she thought about giving one to C and one to J or maybe H -- but she wanted me to see if I wanted one. I was like "what size are they?" And she told me and I was like -- dude, we all wear the same size now?

And also my mom had some jeans that happened to be my size too - this is so weird. Everyones gained weight except for me and mom.

On one hand I'm like "BOOYAH!" But on the other I feel really bad. I mean how bummed must my sister be to be "as big as Karen." My sisters have always taken comfort in the fact that I'm (technically -- WAS) bigger than they are. Fuck it -- they can get therapy if they have a problem with it ;)

BTW, it's 7 month post-op time. Well, it was 3 days ago, anyway. I lost a little bit more this past month -- and lost in measurements too. Now I'm a solid 70 pounds down from April and 58 from surgery. So still going slow... but at least it's going -- and in the right direction.

Tonight me and mom walked up the street to My brothers house. Before, I sadly admit that this short uphill walk would have left me breathing heavier -- but tonight I could have easily sprinted up there and been no worse for wear. I felt good about that.

So I am forever thanking everyone who continues to support and encourage me. I know I'm not the easiest person to encourage and sometimes it seems like I don't hear a word you say -- but I promise I do :)

And my hair looks better too -- no more roots. YAY!

A dream with not-so-hidden meanings

In this dream I was in some kind of organized exercise group -- perhaps like on the show "The Biggest Loser." Whatever it was, we were given tasks to do and pushed on by some sort of coach. In particular, we were to run up 100 flights of stairs. We were to do this everyday until 4 people could run all the way to the top. It was obvious that I wouldn't be one of those 4, but I was surprisingly happy to compete against myself doing it. So everyday I'd run up as many flights as I could. I could make it to the 68th floor every time. (Any connection to being stuck at a certain weight for a long time -- nahhhh). And to get back down, we'd slide down this sort of odd slide.

There was a guy there -- he wasn't involved in our exercise group, but I'd pass him on the way down everyday. We'd talk with each other everyday and we got along great. The role of this stranger was played by Heath Ledger in my dream -- so needless to say this represented a man I was attracted to. So it was that everyday I'd run up as many flights as I could (always 68, but I was very pleased with myself for making it that far), and on the way down I'd run into my "crush" and we'd get along surprisingly well.

Then one day, I saw him surrounded by a group of girls who were obviously fawning over him. They were all attractive thin blond girls. He could easily have his pick of any of them and there was no way I could compete with their looks. Obviously, this made me much less of a person in comparison and I decided for the both of us that he'd rather talk to them than me.

So the next day, I slide down the slide backwards so I wouldn't have to see him and to make it blatantly obvious that I didn't care about his new following (yes yes, total lie). And he turned his head as I passed him by, obviously hurt that I didn't stop. This went on for a few days.

Then the next day, I proceeded to slide down backwards to avoid him but he caught me in my slide.

And that was the profound moment of the dream. He had caught me in my fall -- he wanted to be with me and not any of the group of gorgeous girls who were fawning over him. And in my self-consciousness, I had hurt his feelings. HIS feelings.

And it was wonderful -- I was totally kissing Heath Ledger after he confessed his love for me. Can I get a *SWOON*?


Dammit someone catch me already!

Some highlights from my day

Bitch #1: "I'm looking for the Alabama Book"
Me: "It's called 'The Alabama Book'?"
"No, I don't know what it's called."
"Do you know the author?"
"Ok, what kind of book is it?"
"It's about Alabama."
"So a travel book?"
(now shes getting bitchy) "No, the football team!"
"Oh Ok, do you know what it looks like?"
(Now shes really pissed)
"So what do you know about it?"
"I don't know, I just want the Alabama book!"
"Ok, let me get you a manager..."


*Ringing phone*
Me: "Thank you for calling BN, this is Karen. How can I help you?"
Crazy woman: "I ordered a book. I need to know if it's come in yet."
"Did we call you?"
"Ok, when did you order it?"
"Yesterday. They said it would be 10 days. I want to know if it's come in yet."


Me: "Can I help you find anything?"
Bitch #2: "You're not by customer service"
My imagination: "No shit, Sherlock. Would you like me to walk over to customer service and then ask you again?"


Picture the line of customers. It's weaving through the store and all the cash registers are open. We're frantically trying to get these people checked out. I'm a damn good cashier and I can go as fast as need be. I finish with the transaction and hand the woman her bag -- nicely grouping the handles together so she can easily pick it up, and wish her a Merry Christmas. Then she scowls at me and says "I HOPE YOU HAVE A BETTER DAY TOMORROW" Like I had been completely rude to her. WTF?


And the man who made my day much much better: I'm looking at Shel Silverstein books (LOVE him) because there's 5 people at customer service who are in a click I'm not allowed to enter. My till's already been counted so I can't check people out. I've got 45 minutes left on my shift and nothing to do but make myself scarce and browse books. And this man and his buddy walk by debating some quote from a book. Then he sees me and says that "That was some damn fine cashiering." And tells me how I was getting people out of there quick and that's the way it should be.


I have a confession to make. Yes, another.

I just got my hair cut & dyed... at Best Cuts. I'm sorry, James! But I'm not in town and I'm kinda low on money and she actually did a pretty good job.

It's red. :) And all in all, it only cost a third of what I normally pay.

And presents under the tree...

I have finally put the presents under my tree! I'm excited! Of course I'm about to pack them up to take them to Birmingham to put under moms tree -- so the thrill won't last long.

I can't wait till we celebrate Christmas at MY house -- with the huge dinner and everyone opening presents and watching "Christmas Vacation" on the couch. One day :) This is the first year I've decorated my place and had my own tree though -- so having a load of presents under it is awesome!

I think I did well on the gifts this year -- I tried to get everyone things they will really like rather than just some odd decoration to be set on the coffee table. And I had so much fun doing the shopping that I picked up a few things for mom to give my sisters (not wrapped yet). Ohhh I also got my nephew a Christmas book with a little piano attached -- remember those? And you play the music by hitting the numbered keys: 5 5 5 6 7 8 12... And I think I might have run the battery down a bit playing christmas carols last night... I'm gonna give it to him tomorrow :)

Merry Christmas, yall!

PS, does anyone know where I can find a NICE santa hat? I want one to wear to work (I have to close on Christmas Eve). I used to have one from Hallmark that was gorgeous pressed red velvet. I don't like those cheap ones. I want to invest in a nice one to have for a few years to come. Any suggestions?

Home for the holidays

Tomorrow I'm going "home for the holidays." I've been looking forward to going home, but now that it's the night before, I'm not so sure. Sometimes when I go home to visit my family it goes great and I'm sad when I have to leave. However sometimes... well not so much.

Last year when I went home for Christmas, it was an absolute disaster. I ended up retreating to another state to spend a week with a friend simply because I HAD to get away and had no where else to go. I also ended up losing my voice for three months. Yep. Of course there were other variables that affected this. One, I had been banished to CCRH which closed for December meaning I had no where to go. Two, I had also just switched from Zoloft (which made me worse) to Cymbalta (which made me even worse than the Zoloft did). At least I had Klonopin though. I won't have Klonopin to get me through the holidays this year. I predict hives. Lots of them.

So I hope it goes well. Like I said, I have been looking forward to it. I'll spend weekdays there and weekends here (I still have to work).

*Deep breath*

It's gonna go well. It's gonna go well. It's gonna go well.

Magnetic Poetry is fun

Just incase you were curious as to what my fridge looks like:

(Click the image for a larger version)

Fuck Compass Bank

Compass bank fucked me over for over a hundred dollars. Now I know a hundred dollars is a lot to anyone, but to me, who usually has 5 dollars and no savings, a hundred dollars is like the holy grail. How did they screw me, you ask? Well, I'll tell you.

I bounced a check out of ignorance. This happened thursday/friday -- there is some debate but it's moot. I know this, I felt bad about this -- it was ignorance on my part. I had the money, just not in the right place. But fret not, for on the way to work Friday morning (8:30am) I dropped off my paycheck. Yay! Then when I got off work (5pm) I swung by and deposited even more money. So as far as I knew, the account was spiffy on Friday. But no. No no no. Compass decided to hold my pay check. Compass didn't tell me that. So the pay check didn't go in Friday like it should have. In fact due to a horrible domino affect cause by Compass fucking me over Friday, me not knowing they fucked me over on Friday, and sporadically depositing and removing money all week (and no one ever thought to mention that there was a problem even though I went by the bank at least twice -- by the time I found out about the problem on Thursday, I had acquired 4 late fees of 36 dollars each.

Well, I don't give a shit what they say -- those late fees are not my fault. They didn't tell me they were going to hold my pay check. And why the fuck would they hold my pay check? They think B&N, a HUGE national chain that owns multiple businesses isn't going to honor a 70 dollar paycheck they printed just 3 days earlier? And why the fuck didn't they think to mention that my account was negative on any one of the two or three times I stopped by the bank to make deposits?!

I went to the bank to talk to a manager about it. They won't give me my money. They took off ONE of the fees (when I was only 50 fucking cents short for the transaction, which is a miracle considering they slapped me with NSF fee after fee). So yeah, they fucked me over for more than a hundred dollars. I don't have a hundred dollars to spare. So you know what they fucked me out of? My Christmas present money.

Uhuh. I've had such a horrible week -- almost month even, and I've so been looking forward to Christmas. I've been super careful to save the money to buy everyone GOOD Christmas presents this year and then the bank screws me out of a hundred dollars.

So yeah, this happens Friday morning when I should have been studying for my exam which I would have to take directly after work. However rather than study, I was pissed as fuck. I've had a lot of trouble with Compass over the year and I always hear of people having trouble with them. The people are rude, they treat their customers like shit (I have a checking account that has no required minimum balance but once they refused to give me 20 dollars when I was depositing a 4000 dollar financial aid check because I only had 25 dollars in my account -- yeah, thats beyond wrong if you ask me). So I closed the fucking account right then. I'm tired of dealing with those bastards.

So I left there and went over to Wachovia and opened up a new account with them. And you know at work I was bitching to high heaven about being screwed so badly, and 3 other people (workers, not customers ;) ) had had huge problems with them too. So that settles is -- COMPASS BANK SUCKS ASS.

Oh, and if you're wondering, I still bought my Christmas presents. I've been hoarding 2 sets of money -- one, the money that was given to me for my birthday -- and two, the money I've been saving for Christmas. So I used my birthday money for Christmas. This has lead to much pity from everyone I've told. That money was given to me with the stipulation that I spend it on myself. And I wanted to spend it on myself, I was just waiting to decide exactly what I wanted to do with it (Clothes, fun things, hair done, or maybe get a kitty cat). But fret not because I was SO UPSET about it (I cried) and everyone feels so terrible that my moms going to replace that money for me -- isn't she a sweet heart?

So the moral of this post:

COMPASS BANK SUCKS ASS. Do NOT -- I repeat do NOT give them your money. You can get better service and better options with other banks. Like Wachovia.

Why the fuck would they hold my paycheck? You know why? Cause they could charge me tons of money in fees if they held it and didn't tell me about it.


Mmmm we finally have some controversy on this little blog of mine.

Before reading this post, I urge you to go over this post. Well, actually that was a horribly rambling post -- I'll just slice out the relevant part for the lazy:
"... I picked up a book on how to control men the other day and decided to go through it on my break. Apparently to get and control a man you are: 1, not to wear makeup. 2, no cursing. 3, be absolutely still during sex (you might ruin his rhythm). 4, accept that he is going to cheat on you and it's good for your relationship -- don't make a big deal of it (no, seriously -- it said that). There were actually a lot of things, but that's all I can remember. I'd say that it was so obvious that this book was written by a man except for that whole "don't move during sex" thing he had going on for an entire chapter. " ...

... "Link to the book itself -- Check out the reviews: 

"I've been married for almost 20 years and my husband disagrees with 95% of the book. Oh and by the way, he loves me in short skirts, make-up, lipstick, perfume and all!"

"After defining control, C. E. Cost jumps straight into the secrets of treating men inconsistently (which I read as being manipulative and playing games), instructions on how to sex your man up (even if you had to fake your own satisfaction--oh and you can't move in some positions so you don't throw off your partner's rhythm), and a few of the vanity issues revolving around a woman's appearance. While some of the things made me raise an eyebrow a time or two, most of them just made me continue to ask myself if that's what men really want.""
Today, this random meaningless comment on the book was responded to by someone claiming to be the author himself:
Hello Ladies: I am the author of the book - The Secrets How To Control A Man. Let me first say, that the book has helped women across the country improve their relationships with men. I have heard countless success stories from women who actually read the book and applied it. Countless men have also thanked me for the book because the quality of their relationship with their woman had improved dramatically. My book has been endorsed by Sister To Sister Magazine, Black Hairstyle Trends Magazine, Black Men Magazine, as well as by psychologists, radio talk show hosts and others. Obviously, my book must make some valid points in order to generate such positive feedback. Furthermore, anyone can take a few quotes out of context and misrepresent the work. This could be done with the Bible, Koran, The Constitution or any written work. I would encourage you to read the entire book first before passing judgement. Finally my book is for women who recognize that they don't have all of the answers and are willing to consider other perspectives and approaches. The key question I have for all of you is: if you applied the techniques described in my book on a man, would they work?

Ohhh how do I approach this...

First, The fact that you are offended by someone who writes a lousy blog that is read by about 10 people is kinda pathetic. Second, I'm not wasting any money on your POS book. If you want me to read it, send me a copy that I can thoroughly pick apart with page-number references. It would amuse me greatly. Third, an endorsement by "Black Hairstyle Trends Magazine" is so lame it's not worth claiming. The only magazine recommendations I'll accept need to be from reputable magazines -- the ones you've listed are not. Also, any book can generate "positive feedback." Have you been to a book store lately? Most of the books there are absolute shit. There is an entire book on the iPod shuffle. And people buy it. It has probably sold more copies than your book and all it is is a book about a music player with 4 buttons that my 4-year-old nephew can use.

I know I don't have all the answers, or even a good fraction of them and I'm willing to consider other approaches... just not yours. If I applied the techniques in your book, would they work? Don't know. I know I'd be considered a terribly bad lay for one thing. I'd also have a relationship built on falsities. I'm not going to pretend to be someone I am not so I can catch a guy like you. And accepting that a man will cheat? What the fuck is that? I will never accept that. Never. That's bullshit. Perhaps they're cheating on "your women" because they find real women with backbones and real personalities to be more attractive. Perhaps they like kinky sex where the women really gets to enjoy it and have real orgasms.

And while I'm on the topic of orgasms -- your book suggests that a woman fake it. First, faking an orgasm is a lie. Second, why should I fake an orgasm? Don't you want to know when you are REALLY pleasing me and know that when I lose myself in ecstasy it is 100% the real thing? How can your sex life improve if you don't know that it sucks? If you can't make a woman cum then thats both your problems -- but its a problem that can be worked on and solved and the sex can get better and better. Having the woman fake it for your ego is just pathetic and an easy out.

And let me tell you, if I had a relationship where I was pretending to be someone I'm not and I'm pretending to be a blow-up doll in bed (sans the makeup, of course -- as you wish), what the fuck am I getting out of it? That's not a relationship and I can guarantee you it wouldn't last long. Your book might work for women who have no life of their own and who seek to marry a rich man -- but for those of us with a twinkle in our eye, a kink in our closet, and desire for a real close relationship with another human being -- well we're all just gonna call your book bullshit and you're going to have to accept that.

Congrats on getting published though -- that's awesome.

Because all that shit about proper nutrition and exercise is apparently bullshit. I KNEW I was paying that nutritionist too much.

Any reader of this blog knows or at the very least suspects that I hope on the scale at least once a day -- it's a compulsive self-defeating (& deflating) act I simply must do. And anyone who has spoken with me knows that I have paused at this particular weight and have declared in my usual the-sky-is-falling way that I will never lose another pound because god hates me. (NOTE: After writing this paragraph in a self-mocking and yet true air, I wonder how anyone can stand me).

So combine that with the despair of the end of the semester which I have royally fucked up and another dwindling bottle of expensive medications I'm gonna have to fill (which I might add, those despairing posts and freaky painting were a direct effect of forgetting to take said medications. I scare MYSELF when that happens) -- and guess what? I've had a few bad days.

So for the past two days, I've read my book and eaten cookies and watched food network. And when I say I've eaten cookies, I don't mean just a few. I mean that I'm pissed that I haven't lost any weight and I got a cute penguin cookie jar that just HAD to be filled with cookies -- so fuck it all I was gonna eat some. I also haven't gone out for a run ...or anything really.

And I shit you not, the scale moved. I jog and take my protein and count everything I eat and the fucker won't move for a month but give me a ton of cookies and self-wallowing and it moves. What the hell is that?

What. The Hell. Is. That.

I swear that when I become a paranoid schizophrenic it will be justified.

(And on a totally unrelated note, Coldplay is singing a Christmas song on Conan as I write this -- and it's good. And last night Rachel Ray was on Jay and I saw them both and I bet Izzy missed them both -- I swear dude, if I had some way to record this shit for you -- between me and the tivo, you'd never miss anything. HA! Conan just starting singing! And he's wearing one of those gawd-aweful tacky christmas sweaters! DUDE! I WISH I was recording this for ME! LMAO. Thats awesome.)

We aren't just going to Hell in a hand basket -- we've already arrived at our destination

So my TVs been on mute. I decide to take a break from reading (no, unfortunately not studying for my final but rather avoiding the panic attacks by reading Samuel Shem's "House of God" -- great read so far). So I turn on the volume:
First up, there's video footage of a bunch of high-schoolers rioting and trying their damnedest to kill each other. 30 were arrested.

Then there was a blurb about a woman who checked into a Best Western hotel, set it on fire and left. Apparently this is the third time she has done so.

Third we have a short on the fact that this is the 63rd anniversary of some bombing.

Then we move right into the fact that new footage has been released of 4 American prisoners. Apparently their captors decided to suspend their execution date so they could torture them a bit more.

Now it's commercial break.
Good God.

Man. The world sucks. Anyone who even tries to say otherwise need only turn on their TV. That's all the news is -- water-skiing squirrels, death, horror, and sports.

Everyone out of the hand basket. We're here.

I don't need cameras and viewers to host a cooking show

Is there anyone who doesn't talk to themselves while cooking? I don't think I can cook anything without hosting a cooking show in my head. I'd say its too much Food Network, but I've always done this. You do too, don't you?

My head hurts.

With as many times as I say "shoot me" in any given year, the fact that I'm still here while random people get shot and killed is an oddity.

And to all those who wish me to cheer up: I'm cheerful! Hey, I got a great parking space -- the BEST parking space available even. See, that's nice. Ok, so like I've said -- it's a shitty week, ok? I'll try the whole cheer up thing Friday night at around 5pm after my last final. Well, I might need that night to mourn, so give me till Saturday -- k?

Oy. There's no point in even griping about it. KILL ME NOW, PLEASE. Or don't even kill me, put me in the hospital so I can blame this semester on you instead of me -- please? Pretty pretty please with a cherry on top? And ready-whip?

And here to end the post, I will insert a "Aye Yi Yi" courtesy of the sexy mexican table-boy (Sal) who I worked with at Steak & Ale so many years ago.

The end of late fees? Do they still have amnesty day?

How does blockbusters no late fee thing work? I know there's some "restocking fee" if it's over a week late -- how much is that? And do they still have amnesty day?

See, the reason I ask is -- I've got two movies here that were due back in early November. And I want to know what that's gonna cost me.

(As an aside, "Love Song for Bobby Long" made me cry and "The Village" sucks except for the fact that Phoenix is so fucking hot. The actual story sucks really really bad but when Phoenix grabbed her hand to save her -- SWOON -- I could have died right then. Marry me, Lucius!)

I'm thinking of getting a cat.

Yes. I have let it enter my brain that a pet might be a good idea of me. I'm lonely all the time -- wouldn't a little kitty to play with and let sleep in my lap while I surf the net help that? Obviously a boyfriend would be the better option, but against all efforts I have discovered that I can not buy one of those at the pound.

There are problems in this idea though, and that's why I'm "thinking of getting one" rather than posting that I purchased a cute little kitty today. First and not as importantly, I'm always the one bitching about animals and peoples pets -- not the person you'd expect to run out and buy one. Second and the most important problem: pets are not allowed in university housing. This means that were I to be caught with a cute little kitty, I'd be kicked out and banned. That would lead to a major problem of having no place to live, no friends to put me up, and no money to get a place to live. Not to say that people don't have pets here. There's a little black cat that's always perched in the window of 608B that no one ever seems to mention. And Meredith had a dog for a few months. Of course that dog was why she got kicked out -- but they had been looking for a good reason to get her ass out for a while (I guess the gay guy on the couch and the stolen laundry room furniture weren't quite reason enough. The most action the furniture got was a pink note taped to it that said it had to be returned to the laundry room).

So I'm at a dilemma here. I know a cat isn't a particularly good solution to my problems -- but isn't it a cute and quick one? And It could sleep in my lap, and I could play with it, and I could take it home with me when I visit my family (which is very rare now that I work weekends). I can't buy cute and cuddly people company, but I can buy a kitten.

Any opinions on this?

Mixed media for the morbid

Bandaid: 18x24

Canvas, acrylic, sculpting paste, paper, band-aids, glass.

I feel much better now. However I guess I'll trash this unless some really odd person out there wants it. Maybe I could eBay it...


I'm upset. And bitter and angry and biting and depressed and lonely. And there's nothing to DO about it and no one to TELL about it and no one to TALK to about it. So it's there. Sitting.

So I went for a jog at night in the 40 degree rain. And I don't want to write what I think or feel because I'd rather not think or feel it so writing it out to read when I feel fine tomorrow will just bring me back to the same place and make me feel like even more of a failure cause I can't fix it. And I know that makes no sense but whatever, who said I had to make sense?


That seems to be the cure-all when I don't want to deal with myself or when someone else doesn't want to deal with me either. Just... "whatever."

"Kiss my ass" seems to run through my head a lot. It's a simple phrase -- a nice quaint expression of anger directed at whomever I please. I should get it as a tattoo. That and "whatever." They'd make a nice pair.

I still have a cold too. Maybe I'll catch pneumonia and die and it'll be a round-about untraceable un-blame-able suicide I wouldn't have to feel guilty about. I'd rather die skinny though. Or not skinny, but a hundred pounds lighter.

I don't want to fail at the "easy" way to weight loss too. I feel like I've failed at everything I've ever tired so can I please just get one thing right? Please? I wanna lose weight and look good and I think I have a good reason for that. But when I'm upset I think of bad reasons: So I can be the skinniest person in my family instead of the fattest and everyone can "kiss my ass." So all the guys I've ever loved that never gave me a cent back on that can "kiss my ass." So all the people who never gave me a second glance can "kiss my ass." So all the times I felt so lonely and alone don't matter anymore. So 30 years from now when I have a kid and someone asks me if I ever think back and feel the way I used to... So I can lie and say no and kill just a little more of my heart. Maybe it'll finally be the part that hurts.

It makes no sense. I already regret it. I suck. I still cry a lot more than I should. It's easier to pretend you're not crying in the shower. I need one anyway.


I'm gonna get my hair done this week. That'll make me happy for a few hours.

Best Buy wants you to get mugged.

I saw a man today who had just purchased 3 brand new Apple iPods. How did I know? He was browsing B&N with them in a perfectly clear bag.

If I just purchased a thousand dollars worth of shiny new electronics that are quickly becoming hard to find for the holiday season, I wouldn't flaunt it around in a clear plastic bag. I, personally, would rather put them in a cheap brown bag so they looked like something from the dollar store. Then I'd hold them under my coat and close to my heart.

Think about it -- if you wanted to mug someone, you could just camp out in the parking lot and have a perfect view of everything a customer just purchased -- wait for a prime candidate (like 3 small (and therefore easily swiped) iPods worth a easy thousand any day of the week and worth even more if you get them on eBay with a guaranteed before-Christmas delivery date) and bam, you're rich. Thanks, Best Buy.

"You look horrible." "Thanks."

I barely survived today. Barely. I've had a cold for a little bit -- no biggy, just a cold -- but today it's killing me. I started out the day running by the bank to deposit my paycheck to cover a bounced check -- so I pretty much just didn't get paid. I didn't sleep at all last night -- not even for 5 minutes. I couldn't breathe through my nose and it bothered me even more than it usually would. But I went to work anyway... and sneezed and had a dripping nose all day. Not so bad though. Then when 2 o'clock rolled around, I was just good for dead. Every muscle ached. My ears stopped up. My stomach got really hot, my sinuses are so stopped up that they just hurt. I told B that I felt super sick and she looked at me and was like "wow, you look really bad." But I only had an hour left. So this guy hands me a gift card and all the sudden I just couldn't stand up anymore. So they sent me to to back "before I passed out in front of a customer."

And this lady came in and she was buying gift cards -- and discounts don't work on giftcards (because what if you bought a giftcard for 100 dollars saved 10 percent so only paid 90 dollars then turned around and cashed it out for that hundred? It's called a scam, people). So she was furious. She said that we said it worked on everything in the store.

"Well it works on everything in the store but the gift cards."

She just stood there ranting and raving about it. And my manager was right there but she never stepped in and said anything.

You know, I know people have bad days -- and I know today was a super busy shopping day, but you know what? What right do you have to take it out on someone else? Perhaps I've had a bad day too? Perhaps in the 200 transactions I did today, a FEW OF THEM had bad days and decided to take it out on me? Has everyone reading ever worked customer service? We always say everyone should have to work customer service at some point in their lives -- it will change the way you treat people. I didn't decide that we couldn't discount gift cards (even though it makes perfect sense that we wouldn't -- if you want discounts then we should add taxes and fees when you buy them too. A gift card is worth a set price -- good as cash. You don't get discounts on your cash do you? And what if you did get a discount? Then you could buy a gift card for a hundred dollars at 10 percent off for 90 dollars. Then you could buy a 110 dollar gift card at 10% off and pay with the one you previously purchased. Then you could use THAT card to buy a 130 dollar gift card at 10% off and theoretically you could just keep doing that until you had a couple of hundred dollars on the gift card and all you paid was 90. It's simple math... and a scam.)

In any given day, about 3 or 4 people are going to take their bad day out on you for absolutely no reason. What gives any of us that right? I'm so tired of people being complete fucking assholes for no rational reason. Especially when I have to sit there and smile when I'd really love to just let loose on them. If you want to bitch someone out, you ask for a manager. You can bitch managers out because they get paid extra for that AND they are the ones who can actually do something. See, I can't do anything and I only get paid 6 dollars an hour to scan your fucking books. I didn't do anything to you and I can't help you with your complaint -- so don't fucking bitch me out. Treat people like people for fucks sake.

Ok, Sorry. Maybe that lady pissed me off a little more than I thought she did ;)

Because, believe it or not, sometimes I'm not the brightest bulb in the box

Last night dinner took me 3 tries. I was low on groceries so I figured hey, leftovers. First try: Mac & Cheese leftover from Thanksgiving. Apparently Mac & Cheese doesn't last over a week in the fridge. That was disgusting so I trashed it. Ok. So I rummage through my pantry. Second try: Cream of Chicken soup. This would have been good had I not tried to pep it up. I added mashed potatoes. I did this a lot during my 5 week hell of mushed foods -- I never thought it was gross. And as if that addition weren't bad enough, I added some protein in. Vanilla protein. Yeah, it had a grainy texture and smelled like marshmallows. I poured that one down the sink. I finally end up eating a chicken wrap.

Fast forward to tonight. Tonight I went to the grocery store -- lots of food to choose from. What do I choose? Cereal. Yum. A little after I ate it, I'm surfing the net and thinking: "Man, my stomach hurts. Why would my stomach hurt? All I had was some cereal -- that should go right on through just fine. Still hurts. All I had was some Lucky Charms -- I eat those all the time!"

Oh, wait...

Yeah. Lots of sugar in those tasty little marshmallows. Mmmm. I then spent 20 minutes on the edge of my bathtub pacing my breaths. I almost had a panic attack because of Lucky Charms. Uhuh.

Sometimes I wonder if someone is watching me and shaking their head at my incompetence. Wouldn't that suck? All those times where you look around and have a sigh of relief because no one saw. Man I live on those.

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