Please ignore the crumpled emotional mess in the corner.

I'm a mess. I'm a crazy fat mess. Ugh.

Yes I admit that I didn't take my Effexor today and yes I am totally aware that that's my fault and so I will not bother with excuses.

So I'm a mess. I'm a bawling mess. I've cried till my eyes are puffy and red and my nose is runny and red and my pillows soaked. And I can't make it stop. And I don't even fucking know why I am. I just am.

I'm crazy. And the fact that I layed in bed doing this for about an hour telling myself to just get up and take the fucking medicine already made it even worse. Knowing that I have to take a stupid red pill twice a day just to function... That makes it worse. I'm crazy. How could anyone love a person who doesn't even know WHY they are crying? Or worse yet, who knows that there's no good reason for it.

And I'm shaking too. My teeth are chattering and my hands are shaky on the keyboard.

Fuck me.

And I know I shouldn't even TRY to think right now -- but I can't help it. I need to go to sleep so I can wake up early and study for my test tomorrow. The test I'm so not prepared for and so need to ace -- and It's all my fault. And I'm not losing weight and I'm just going to be fat forever -- fat and crazy and that's even worse. And everyones disappointed with me for some reason or another and I make people uncomfortable. That's fucked up. And I tried to work on a crossword puzzle and realized that I am apparently way to stupid to do crossword puzzles. And my teeth -- they're chattering a lot.

And it's too hard to type anyway and Lord I'll regret posting this when I feel better in the morning. I was in a good mood earlier, I promise. I promise I'm not like this a lot. I promise I'll feel better.

But my God this sucks and I think someone should know that I feel this way -- that people feel this way sometimes. And people tell me I shouldn't worry and stress but I do. And mom doesn't understand what the hells wrong with me cause I have such an easy life. And I don't know what to tell her. Sorry, your daughters a fuck-up, stop trying to understand it.

And really the whole things just pathetic isn't it? I feel pathetic. I feel like my life is pathetic and worthless and stupid. All I do is disappoint.

I'm going to go take a shower. I don't want to lay in bed anymore.


Anonymous Meredith said...

alright, lets focus, are you wearing pants? 'cause we've won half the battle if you are... i hope you're better, brighter, more efficient- all things amerikan and good. well, suprise. i was in montgomery recently, for a day or so- spent two months in gulfport, new orleans, biloxi, waveland, brookhaven. what more can i say about that?
don't let it be the pills. not forever. -M

5:11 PM  
Blogger Karen said...

Ah Meredith, I was just thinking about you. You were in Alabama and didn't come to your roots at UAH? Damn shame, girl.

Call me if you've got a phone ;) 2823

5:34 PM  

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