As you can see...

As you can see, Christmas lights are snaking their way through my apartment. My Christmas tree makes me happy. I turn it on when I leave the apartment and make sure to walk through the construction just so I can pass the living room window on my way in. It makes me smile. I wonder if anyone else sees it? I leave it on in the window at night so maybe someone does.

I don't know why I've been kinda down lately. I'd say "sad" but that seems too severe. I had a great holiday, I've actually got some money, I'm totally psyched about Christmas, work is going well -- but I'm still down. I'd lie and say that I have no idea why -- but I do. I'm not doing great in school. I don't think it's possible to lose weight any slower and still consider yourself losing weight. But both of those take the back seat to missing love.

I know there's a million people out there who aren't in love right now, or who are in love with someone who doesn't reciprocate -- but that never makes it easier. There's just such an empty longing I have that feels like it will never be filled. Almost another year has passed me by. I always wish the same thing for the holidays... that next Christmas I won't be alone. So when I turned the calendar to December today (I know, I'm early) my spirits just sort of sank even lower.

So 23 years alone. Yes, I'm still peeved at God about this. Apparently love doesn't just find you or it'd have found me by now -- I'm kinda hard to miss. I've got to be doing this whole "life" thing wrong.

"Where is love? Does it fall from skies above? Is it underneath the willow tree That I've been dreaming of? Where is [he]? Who I close my eyes to see? Will I ever know the sweet "hello" That's meant for only me? Who can say where [he] may hide? Must I travel far and wide? 'Til I am bedside the someone who I can mean somethin to ..."

I'd resort to my old "life sucks" line to end the post -- but rather, I shall hang more Christmas lights. I've got 150 left. I was going to hang them outside but then I realized I'd have no way to attach them to the building. I wonder if anyone would notice if I used a few masonry nails? Though now that I think of it, the glowing lights might draw attention to that fact.

I KNOW! I'll string them down the hall!


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