Just so you know

I have finally created a email account for this blog. Not that it really needs one, but whatever. The link can be found with all the rest of my links and such at the bottom of this page. It's also on my profile page. So there is no excuses for not being able to find it.

Will I check this email? No. But fret not for I have set it to forward all emails to my primary email account which I (pathetically) check religiously. By the way, all comments are also (as they have always been) forwarded to my primary email. So feel free to chew me out or comment on really old posts -- I'll see it for sure.

Now then, isn't that nice? Feel free to drop me a note -- I don't bite.

Need opinions on possible purchases

I'm tired of buying something and then having someone tell me that they could have told me not to waste my money on it. So I'm asking here first. I'm considering buying a few books:

1. "House of God" by Samuel Shem

2. "Everything You Know About Sex is Wrong" by Russ kick

The first one comes on recommendation from Izzy. He's never steered me too far in the direction of wrong so I'll buy that one even if 10 people tell me it sucks. (Hey, even if it does -- I get to rag him for it). I plan on reading this one once schools out for Christmas.

The second... well, that just sounds interesting. That's the one I'd really like an opinion on -- has anyone read it or heard about it? I've seen it at work, obviously but that doesn't tell me much. Only that I find the sexuality section to be wonderfully entertaining. Lots of couples come in and are all over each other in that section -- seriously. Two were making out the other day while I was trying to straighten it up -- they just ignored my presence. I was also amused by the girl who sat for over 2 hours in a chair reading a book called "How to Blow Him" complete with picture of a naked man on the cover. Anyway, the book itself sounds interesting -- especially since the book I originally wanted is so vulgar that I can't even order it from work.

Any thoughts?

Must. Own.

A DVD player in the form of a Beetle. Oh I so have to have that.

From the article (which I found via gizmodo):

"Mocked up to look like the new Volkswagen Beetle, the bulbous bug has a CD/DVD player and FM radio tucked under the hood - the DVD tray is disguised in the front bumper, with all the connectors shoved in the boot."

The problem with open blinds on the first floor.

In a earlier post, I pondered if anyone else had noticed my Christmas tree. Apparently they have. Picture it:

It's around midnight. I'm going to the kitchen to grab a Luigi's lemon italian ice to get my sweet 'n sour kick. I'm in my pajamas. I turn to look at my gorgeous tree and I see... a large black man in a hoodie staring straight at me through the window.

Don't panic. Don't panic. He's just admiring the lovely tree...

I immediately want to lock the door... but I don't want him to see me rush to lock the door. So I duck into the kitchen. Then I peak my head around the corner to see if he's gone. Nope.

So I did what a normal half naked coward would do... hurry to my room and lock my door.

You think he's still there? You think he likes the tree?

Poppies for momma

Tonight I finally painted my mothers Christmas present. She's been wanting me to paint her a picture of poppies forever, so look -- I finally did. I think it turned out great. She really likes this style of painting and I like the colors I used.

I treated myself on this one -- I bought the biggest canvas I could afford, and a 20-dollar bottle of sculpting medium. Do you know what that does? It makes the paint super thick so it could hold a peak or nice brush strokes. Let me tell you, I enjoyed the hell out of it. I went with the mix on the canvas approach. I literally spooned the sculpting medium and 3 different yellows (plus a little silver and white for highlights) onto the canvas for the background. Same for the flowers. I love the effect that came out. Tons of texture. Yum.

It was hard for me to decide when to stop, I like to keep perfecting and this sort of style isn't supposed to be over-done or too perfect. So I finally just stopped. It's drying in the living room (hence the shine in the picture). I have a feeling that much paint may take a day or two to dry.

Moms gonna LOVE it. She won't be expecting it either. I had her a nice gift picked out -- and yes, she'd have loved it. But then I got to thinking about how I'd rather give her something more meaningful that not just anyone could give her. So this is what I picked.

And just for the record mom liked poppies before they were popular. They remind her of the trip we took to Italy -- she LOVED the poppy covered hillsides and has been hooked ever since. So here we go! I'm so excited -- I can't wait ti give it to her.

...And you know I'm wrapping this in penguin wrapping paper and putting a big-ass bow on it. :)

Tivos should be free.

Why aren't Tivos free? They should work like cable modems. When you get broadband internet access, you don't have to buy the cable modem, they give it to you. Then when you don't pay for access anymore, they make you give it back. Tivo should be like that. Why should you pay 150 dollars for a box that will only be useful as long as you have the service? The Tivo should come with the service. That or the 200 dollar black box you just bought should work without a monthly fee.

Thats what I think.

As you can see...

As you can see, Christmas lights are snaking their way through my apartment. My Christmas tree makes me happy. I turn it on when I leave the apartment and make sure to walk through the construction just so I can pass the living room window on my way in. It makes me smile. I wonder if anyone else sees it? I leave it on in the window at night so maybe someone does.

I don't know why I've been kinda down lately. I'd say "sad" but that seems too severe. I had a great holiday, I've actually got some money, I'm totally psyched about Christmas, work is going well -- but I'm still down. I'd lie and say that I have no idea why -- but I do. I'm not doing great in school. I don't think it's possible to lose weight any slower and still consider yourself losing weight. But both of those take the back seat to missing love.

I know there's a million people out there who aren't in love right now, or who are in love with someone who doesn't reciprocate -- but that never makes it easier. There's just such an empty longing I have that feels like it will never be filled. Almost another year has passed me by. I always wish the same thing for the holidays... that next Christmas I won't be alone. So when I turned the calendar to December today (I know, I'm early) my spirits just sort of sank even lower.

So 23 years alone. Yes, I'm still peeved at God about this. Apparently love doesn't just find you or it'd have found me by now -- I'm kinda hard to miss. I've got to be doing this whole "life" thing wrong.

"Where is love? Does it fall from skies above? Is it underneath the willow tree That I've been dreaming of? Where is [he]? Who I close my eyes to see? Will I ever know the sweet "hello" That's meant for only me? Who can say where [he] may hide? Must I travel far and wide? 'Til I am bedside the someone who I can mean somethin to ..."

I'd resort to my old "life sucks" line to end the post -- but rather, I shall hang more Christmas lights. I've got 150 left. I was going to hang them outside but then I realized I'd have no way to attach them to the building. I wonder if anyone would notice if I used a few masonry nails? Though now that I think of it, the glowing lights might draw attention to that fact.

I KNOW! I'll string them down the hall!

Shouldn't have asked

So I was gossiping with a coworker today and I asked her what people though of me. Apparently RJ thinks I have an attitude.

Dammit. I've wasted all that effort being nice to her. i even complimented her on her necklace today.

That really surprised me. No, not because I'm in denial about my attitude -- but rather because I've been rather cheerful and likable at work. I guess no matter how hard I try I will always come off that way -- maybe it's just the way I am.

Is this why I never have people to hang out with? Do I need to think hard about this or should I just write it off as one off-hand comment from a two-faced bitch? (Oh and that 'two-faced bitch' part is totally not even in my own words so don't blame that on any cheekiness from me. I don't usually differentiate my two-faced bitches from the rest of them. A bitch is a bitch.)

I don't think it's attitude per-say. I think I have a strong personality. I have an odd sense of humor and I'm bluntly honest sometimes. I also don't always feel the need to fill the silences with words. Sometimes if you ask me a yes or no question, I might just answer yes or no. That doesn't mean I'm in a bad mood or that I don't like you. If silence makes you THAT uncomfortable then strike up or a conversation or something. Reminds me of one of my old bosses who called me "short."

I've really been mulling this over in my head. I've had this misunderstanding with quite a few people in the past. And this is going to be crazy coming from someone as self-concious as myself but I think they're just people who are very self conscious. Sometimes I can talk for hours, other times I'm pretty quiet. I'm not ignoring you and I can assure you that I am listening to what you say.

Apparently RJ was talking about me and the fact that I don't like shelving books. I think she was offended by this because shelving books is what we do. Well she totally mis-quoted me. I was actually talking about how much I liked doing customer service. I like answering the phone and peoples questions and helping them find what they need. It makes me all happy when I actually find the exact book someone wanted and put it in their hands (yes, that sounds super cheesy). So Customer Service would be my favorite "job/position" if we didn't have to put books out at the same time. So for that reason, cashiering happens to be my favorite position in the store. (This was a friendly conversation a few of us were having about what parts of the job we liked best -- most people don't like dealing with the customers -- I happen to like finding their books for them). So I don't like putting the books out -- that's not attitude, that's honesty. I don't complain about it because I get paid to do it and it's my fucking job. But the fact is, no one likes putting books out -- it's a pain in the ass. So for her to use that as justification of my "attitude" kinda pisses me off.

Note to self:

Never post on a message board when angry. Never post on a message board when angry and thinking you are somehow clever. And ESPECIALLY never post on a message board when your friend eggs you on knowing that you're going to look like a total ass.

Thanks Izzy.

My very first own Christmas tree!

I HAVE MY OWN CHRISTMAS TREE! I'm so excited! My dad sent me home with a pre-lit pre-decorated tree on Thanksgiving. I put it up Thursday night and the decorations on it were not exactly attractive or traditional. So tonight after work, I picked up a bunch of balls and a christmas star. Sure it's nothing special -- BUT IT'S MINE! I love it!

I gotta listen to Christmas music now.

(This picture I took so I could use it as a desktop:)

Why I will never get lip injections

Since the initial 2 or 3 month outbreak of hives, I've been relatively hive-free. Of course I've also been on two different prescription allergy medications. No matter. I figured if I'm hive-free, there's no point in buying a 70 dollar prescription I don't need.

So I let it run out.

Since making that genius decision, I have broken out in hives 4 times. And this morning... This morning I woke up and my lips were swollen. A lot. I knew something felt funny -- then I looked in the mirror. Damn. I guess that's why god made me white.

I like my lips the way they are -- and the way they are is super thin. I've never considered getting lip-injections and now I know for sure that I never will. Never. Ever.

It was interesting to see what they would look like though. And yes, I just ordered the prescription for overnight shipping.

And if ONE MORE PERSON tells me that this is all because of stress, you are going to be my own personal stress ball. Okay? Now, I'd think long and hard about that before you commit. Especially since I've been trying to make my Effexor prescription last a week longer than it should. That means lots of headaches and total crazy irrational-thinking and fucked up emotions.

You know, speaking of my mental disorders: What the hell makes me get stuck with having to take pills to avoid depression? Why not get stuck with pills to keep me from being manic? I mean if you're gonna be fucked up or down -- I'd pick up. Wouldn't you?

Happy Thanksgiving!

"Hey, I got you a newspaper and some Klonopin. When you gonna get here?"

All in jest, all in jest. Well, Ok, not really.

Everythings cooking or cooked -- mostly still cooking. The turkeys (yes two) have been smoking since yesterday -- the Ham came from the Honey Baked ham store. Macaroni and Cheese is done, so are the brussel sprouts, deviled eggs, stuffing/dressing, green bean casserole, pineapple casserole, sausage balls, cranberry sauce (both homemade from real cranberries and the caned kind because I like the latter and it only costs a dollar), corn casserole, sweet potato casserole, potato salad, cloverleaf herb rolls, 2 blueberry cheesecakes, banana cream pie, pecan pie, pumpkin pie... and for ME some leftover sugar free cake.

And just so you know all of that is homemade from scratch (mostly by my sister). There's so much that my sister and mother were just trying to help me get everything down and we kept forgetting things. Hell, we don't even know what we have. You realize this meal is for just 8 people. Am I the only one who thinks that's an ungodly number of desserts?

"My god that's a lot of food."
"Well, The side-dishes are reasonable but that's a lot of desserts"
"Reasonable!? They're all casseroles! We added one plain green vegetable this year and everyone keeps asking why we have brussel sprouts!"

I've already got my car packed up to head back home -- I'm going to take piles of leftovers with me. Mmmmm. And I have even more Klonopin for when dad drags out the Christmas tree and those god forsaken strands of 4,000 lights. (no, that's not a joke).

We already medicated the dog with benedryl to knock her out. I think we gave her too much though -- she's not exactly moving.

I hope you all have a magnificent holiday and I hope those of us that need to be medicated have a little extra to get us through the day. I know I already broke out mine. CHEERS!


Yesterday, my family got together for dinner. Pictures were taken. Now that digital cameras allow us to see our pictures instantly, we got to browse them right then and there. This led to about thirty minutes of my family oooing and ahhhing over how much weight I have lost. (Yes, it was totally awesome). My sister-in-law even said something along the lines of "I know you're standing right here and I can see you -- but you can REALLY tell in pictures!" And I totally see her point.

This followed something my mother had mentioned earlier. She said she found a picture of me that she was going to show me to show me how much weight I've lost. I said "It's not the one of me at the luau party is it?" Yep, it was. That picture used to be on the fridge but I totally took it down because I looked so bad in it. Nothing ever stays hidden does it?

Oh and we found another picture of me right at the beginning of high school. My hair was a frizzy mess and so I said that I looked like Haggrid from Harry Potter. REALLY I did. So now my nephews been running around calling me Haggrid. Yeah. Burned by my own doing. I'd post the picture here for all to see, but it's really THAT bad.

I'm pleased to say that I look a million times better now. I only get better with age ;)

Funny thing is, I've always LOVED having my picture taken. Ask anyone. I just hate seeing pictures of myself. I'm odd like that.

This is what happens when I actually get some disposable income

I just toyed with the idea of buying myself a new iPod. I say toyed because I came to my senses and realized that someone as broke as myself has no right to buy something so expensive that they don't need. For my birthday I got just enough money to squeeze by buying an iPod. Of course I have next to nothing (read: barely grocery money) in my checking account to survive on and I won't be getting paid this weekend -- so really, I should probably consider NOT spending it ;)

Though SOME of that was given to me for my birthday so I'm damn-well gonna spend that! I'm going to keep it set aside from my other money so I know I have a right to treat myself to frivolous things (read: clothes. I know thats not frivolous but it's also something that comes behind things like food, prescriptions and bills so I always run out of money before clothes are an option). This makes me happy. Not feeling completely broke for once in the past year is SO NICE.

See, this is why I keep a little list of things I want. I have been laughed at for having this list (izzy) -- but I keep a list because there's lots of stuff I want/need, but I never have disposable income. So when I get a little money, my mind races with all the possibilities.

And I am MORE than pleased to say that not only did I have a AWESOME birthday, I also got to knock a few things off "the list." And what's so awesome is that they weren't just things I wanted -- they were things I needed. Sometimes when you get something you needed (i.e. vacuum) it's not cool. But in this case, I got an electric blanket to keep my toes warm. It's so nice to hop into a pre-warmed bed -- and those concrete walls of my cheap run-down apartment get damn cold in the winter. I also got an alarm clock that I can actually SEE the numbers on and a new AirPlay for my iPod! Yep, my iPod has rejoined me in the car. I got in the car yesterday and asked myself what I wanted to hear -- then I got all excited because I could listen to ANYTHING I wanted. It's like a whole new experience! Gifts like that are appreciated all the more, you know? They are thoughtful gifts. Rather than some random thing, it's something I'm going to use more days than not.

Oh and I weaseled a huge "Constantine" movie poster display out of my sister. Score!

I really did have a wonderfully awesome birthday. I just feel so... good and happy and loved. :)

Sometimes things actually DO workout -- even for me

Let me just say that this birthday turned out to be absolutly perfect. The past few years (well, the ones I remember) have been one horrible, forgotten, lonely birthday after another. So Friday night I was preparred for another really crappy day.

Thank the Lord for friends who won't stand for that! The whole weekend turned out perfect and I was anything BUT lonely. Oh, and not one single person forgot this year either. I'm so stoked! I declare this the new GOOD birthday streak.

I'd spell check this and/or post more, but I just got to Birmingham and I'm celebrating with my family tonight -- There's sugar-free cake!

Some times you lose a battle

So I didn't write a program I should have. To make myself not feel like a complete slug, I decided to cook a nice dinner, wash my laundry, and get some good exercise in. Awesome, right? Well my turkey will be done in another hour, I took a long walk around campus, and my laundry will be ready in an hour -- I might even IRON tonight.

So I'm freezing after that walk -- I underestimated the proper attire to wear. So I figure -- Oooo, I could use that nasty protein I drink all the time to make hot chocolate! I'm so on a roll here. So I heat up my 100% lactose free milk and add in half a scoop of vanilla whey protein and half a scoop of chocolate whey protein. I then pour that into the super-dooper-rubbermaid-protein-drink-mixer. No, I don't know what it's really called, but my bro gave it to me and it's one of the greatest unknown inventions ever. Have a powdered drink that you CANNOT mix without lumps? This fixes the problem.

So I'm all feeling good about myself and I begin to shake my hot chocolate up. *Shake shake shake* And then the top shoots off and I'm covered in hot protein. Covered. The kitchens covered, my shoes are covered, its all over my clothes, its in my hair, it's on my glasses. Now I need another shower...

Dang it. That spoiled my roll.


Since I've had my Powerbook (over 2 years now) I've not been very adventurous with my desktops. It's just so pretty and nice, I don't want to make it tacky. Last night though, I found myself browsing sites for free wallpapers. When I saw this:

I just couldn't NOT use it. HOW CUTE! The penguins make me happy.

6 Months Post-Op

Well it's now been SIX months since I had RNY Gastric Bypass. I don't much care to post this month because it's disappointing to me (nothings changed much since last) but hey, I started doing monthly updates so I'll continue.

I've lost 53 pounds since surgery and 65 since April. I'm discouraged though, because I've only lost 10 in the past 2 months. I need to pick up the pace A LOT if I'm gonna make my goal of 160. I'm a third of the way there though and thats a whole fucking lot closer than I ever was before the surgery.

And for a few more numbers: I've lost 8 inches across my chest (damn), 2.5 inches across my waist, 8 inches across my hips (so thats where the extra room in the theater seats came from), 3.5 in each thigh, and about 1.5 inch in each arm. I've also lost 3 jean sizes, at least one shoe size, and a lot of bra sizes. So yes, I'm shrinking. I'm just just shrinking WAY slower than I would like (and may I point out -- way below the average).

I can't begin to say how much I appreciate everyones support. Honestly, just having someone say that they really do believe I'll make my goal is really encouraging and comforting. My family has been great about encouraging me, especially since they know I'm upset at losing slow. And apparently, now my sister is even considering having a lap-band procedure (she's not nearly as heavy as me, so she doesn't weigh enough to have the same operation I had).

The biggest shocker so far was one short statement made by my father. Without going off on and rampaging rant, I'll say that compliments are not my fathers strong point. Nor does the man pay much attention to me. He's seen me with neon blue hair and anime-pink hair and never noticed either one. But I stopped by his place when I was home for my moms birthday and out of nowhere he goes -- you can tell you've lost weight, how much have you lost? I told him I had lost 60 since April and he was floored that I had lost so much.

That was nice.

I also gotta mention Izzy ;) He hasn't mentioned it hardly at all and won't indulge my low-points. But the fact that he has faith that I'll meet my goal is quite nice to know. Quite. Especially because I believe that he really does think I'll meet my goal.

I miss all the sweets and goodies I used to live off of. I miss those a lot LOL. I think I could have cried in the bakery the other day -- ALL THE PASTRIES, THEY MISS ME. But I still don't regret doing it. I guess I might if this is all I ever lose, but it'll be a while before I regret it -- I still hold SOME hope, even if I never let it show.

It's also nice to be DOING something about my weight -- something that has RESULTS. For as long as I can remember (and I mean that literally) I've been trying to lose weight. Sure I've done diets and lost weight, but I always gained it back. So I hate being heavy as much as ever and I still have a negative self image -- but theres the knowledge that it's changing -- that I'm working on it -- that I took a concrete step to something I wanted and there's no going back.

This is the smallest I've been since I started high school. Pretty much since I can actually remember. So while I still feel like the goodyear blimp most of the time, it's great to know that I'm shrinking and will shrink smaller still.

So yall keep up the prayers and encouragement and I'll keep working on it. :) Maybe the December update will be EVEN BETTER.

Pass the popcorn.

Is anyone else enjoying the sideshow of Sony's record label kicking their own ass? 'Cause I can't be the only one. It's like a drama -- every morning I sign on to read the latest twist.

I swear the other record labels are having office parties over this.

I just hope it really hurts Sony. I don't want it to blow over and be forgotten -- they should totally suffer. It amuses me.


We passed health inspections with no help from China town in room 3. Really the only reason we passed was because my favorite RA did the inspections and would rather talk about the upcoming Harry Potter film and our birthdays both being this weekend then actually fail anyone. Works for me.

Health inspections always remind me of Meredith (which is why I was pretty shocked to see that she's once again tracked me down on the internet). Why, you may ask? Was she that dirty? Well, no -- or maybe yes -- either way it has nothing to do with it.

See, they had health and safety inspections just before I moved to Huntsville. Meredith failed. So the day I moved in -- when I first slid my key into my very first own door, I found a maid scrubbing the kitchen. This woman informed me that she was cleaning because of a failed inspection. then, right at that moment -- my very first roommate (Meredith) walks in with no pants. Ah grabs a drink from the fridge and says "hello" before going back to her room.

That was my first impression.

Please ignore the crumpled emotional mess in the corner.

I'm a mess. I'm a crazy fat mess. Ugh.

Yes I admit that I didn't take my Effexor today and yes I am totally aware that that's my fault and so I will not bother with excuses.

So I'm a mess. I'm a bawling mess. I've cried till my eyes are puffy and red and my nose is runny and red and my pillows soaked. And I can't make it stop. And I don't even fucking know why I am. I just am.

I'm crazy. And the fact that I layed in bed doing this for about an hour telling myself to just get up and take the fucking medicine already made it even worse. Knowing that I have to take a stupid red pill twice a day just to function... That makes it worse. I'm crazy. How could anyone love a person who doesn't even know WHY they are crying? Or worse yet, who knows that there's no good reason for it.

And I'm shaking too. My teeth are chattering and my hands are shaky on the keyboard.

Fuck me.

And I know I shouldn't even TRY to think right now -- but I can't help it. I need to go to sleep so I can wake up early and study for my test tomorrow. The test I'm so not prepared for and so need to ace -- and It's all my fault. And I'm not losing weight and I'm just going to be fat forever -- fat and crazy and that's even worse. And everyones disappointed with me for some reason or another and I make people uncomfortable. That's fucked up. And I tried to work on a crossword puzzle and realized that I am apparently way to stupid to do crossword puzzles. And my teeth -- they're chattering a lot.

And it's too hard to type anyway and Lord I'll regret posting this when I feel better in the morning. I was in a good mood earlier, I promise. I promise I'm not like this a lot. I promise I'll feel better.

But my God this sucks and I think someone should know that I feel this way -- that people feel this way sometimes. And people tell me I shouldn't worry and stress but I do. And mom doesn't understand what the hells wrong with me cause I have such an easy life. And I don't know what to tell her. Sorry, your daughters a fuck-up, stop trying to understand it.

And really the whole things just pathetic isn't it? I feel pathetic. I feel like my life is pathetic and worthless and stupid. All I do is disappoint.

I'm going to go take a shower. I don't want to lay in bed anymore.

Holy Shit -- this so rocks.

Tonight was the BN mandatory store meeting. No, I was not psyched about going. Yes, there were some incredibly boring parts -- like "presentations" from the managers for each section (though when Courtney got pissed and started cursing about the magazines -- I have to admit, that amused me a lot).

HOWEVER, They did give us gift bags of free books. I happen to like that. Here's what I scored:

+ "Mars and Venus in the Workplace" by John Gray, PhD
+ "Sweet and Low" by Rich Cohen (Advance Reader's Copy which means it's an uncorrected proof which you are not allowed to sell -- AKA "cool" )
+ "One Bullet Away: The Making of a Marine Officer" by Nathaniel Fick
+"How Does Olive Oil Lose It's Virginity: Answers to the Enigmatic Questions of Contemporary Life" by Bruce Tindall & Mark Watson
+ A huge book of the "Ultimate Crosswords"
+ A sketchbook

The first three I'm going to have to find a good home for. The latter 3 I like and I'm keeping for myself. They're all the hardcover editions too. And, yes, I did consider taking them to some other BN and returning them for a store credit. That seems SO wrong though.

And guess what else? They had drawings for a few autographed books and I won one! I won a good one too. It's called "Eldest" by Christopher Paolini (Book two of the series). First, it's so autographed by the author and second, this book is HUGE -- I've sold a ton of them so I know it's huge. I wonder how much I could get on Ebay for it... ;)

Comment if you're interested in any of the books I've mentioned -- I may even let go of the autographed one for a price. ;)

This so makes my weekend! Don't you love a nice pile of brand new hardbacks that still smell like the bookstore? Mmmm.

OOOOOH! I just looked and this autographed copy is first edition too!


So I'm scheduled to work all next weekend so I can't go home to celebrate my birthday with actual flesh and blood fellow human beings. I wasn't too keen on that so I managed to get this chick at work to take my shift for me on Friday (Hey, close enough). So I call mom to tell her and she reminds me that my bro is graduating on Friday.

Well, thats cool -- I'll be home for it! No... he only has so many tickets. Well, thats cool -- I can go to the party Heidi is gonna throw for him! No... they decided to go to this party that someone is holding for all the graduates -- apparently the drug reps are bringing food. So I wouldn't get to see Tim or Heidi or Colie. And mom's going to the graduation so she wouldn't be there either. Dammit.

At least I get Friday off.

I need someone to help me with some Chinese phrases, please

I need someone to tell me how to say some things in Chinese for my non-English speaking roommate. If you could tell me how to say these, I'd be much obliged. Please just write them out phonetically.

1. Health and Safety inspections are the University's way of raping my wallet.

2. You cannot leave raw meat on the couch.

3. Shut up and mop the goddamn floor.

Oh and go ahead and tell me how to say "Please move out, I was here first."

My bitter slip of the weekend:

"You get to make a wish."

"My wishes never come true. It's always the same one."


I'm in a stressed kinda mood. I'm behind in school work -- not good considering the semester is over in less than a month. I talked to my mom today -- I asked her if she would help me pay for my effexor this month. She's frustrated that it costs so much. I'm only filling that one -- I'm not gonna fill the allergy meds -- that'd be even MORE expensive. And I mentioned being behind in school and she got even more frustrated and said school is why I'm "THERE."

I'm not used to my mom being hard on me. Really, it just made me feel pretty bad. Shes right though and I know that. And I know that being so behind is my fault. And I know I've been doing poorly here lately. So really I'm feeling pretty stressed and down on myself.

On a brighter note, my 23rd birthday is only a week away. (Of course I'll be at work for it). I made it very clear to EVERYONE (family included) that I'm tried of this forgetting my birthday shit we've had going on for a few years. I was really hurt last year so everyone has been reminded. I feel kinda selfish in that, but hey -- I want them to remember so I'm helping. I don't want them to give me gifts -- just something sweet (preferably a yellow butter cake with butter cream or cream cheese icing -- though it'd have to be sugar free and that's probably not doable). I don't like receiving gifts and such, but I certainly do appreciate being remembered. It takes all of the forethought to put a little note on a calendar and take 5 minutes out of your day to call me. I ask for this just this one day out of the entire year. Even my brother is trying to remember (lord he couldn't remember a date to save his life). I talked to him yesterday and he said "I haven't missed your birthday yet, right?" LOL

Well, I did ask for one present. I asked mom if I could have an electric blanket for my birthday. My apartment gets so cold in the winter -- it'd be nice to not have cold toes this winter ;)

Oh, and I'd like to lose another hundred pounds. I'm asking God for that one.

I'm loving the no-holds bared version of the Apprentice

WARNING: This has spoilers for tonights episode of the Apprentice -- if you are one of the high and mighty tivo owners, you might want to sit this one out.

Man, I love that the Apprentice has no rules anymore. Tonight he fired not one, but 2 people. There's only 4 on the team and one of them was exempt. A few episodes back he fired THE ENTIRE TEAM. Uhuh -- all of them. They sucked so bad that they all had to go. I love that. No more "everyone screwed up but who screwed up worse?" Nope -- now if you screw up you are so gone. I love it.

When he said that Brian was fired, I about screamed at the TV 'cause you all know that girl had to go. Thanks to the new no-rules thing he's got going on, they both went. Oh, and that taxi interview at the end was priceless.

I made a scene at the doctors office today ...and I feel damn good about it.

So I went to the GYN today for my annual checkup. I'm in a great mood today -- I'm having a good hair day, a good makeup day, a good ass day -- plus it's cool enough outside that I got to wear my snazzy new jacket. Oh and the new shirt I bought the other day -- too big. Time to go down another size. Uhuh. So I get in and the nurse is quite nice -- we chatted. I hopped on the scale to do my weight and before she even moved a thing she said -- wow, you must have lost a lot of weight! Thank you thank you, yes I have.

So fast forward to me waiting on the doctor (still clothed). He walks in already asking me questions about pregnancy, medications, blah blah blah. After about 4 questions I finally get to sneak in a "You're not Dr. ______." What is his reply? "No, I'm not" and then more questions. Never does the man introduce himself or explain where my regular doctor is. I also tried to pose a few questions and he wouldn't have any of it -- apparently he is too busy to answer his patients qustions. So then he leaves to let me strip and lay spread eagle naked on a table.

He made me wait entirely too long before his return, BTW. So now it's check-up time. The epitome of discomfort. Seriously, being completely naked, laying on a table and staring at hospital lights while a old unattractive man who you've deemed an asshole sticks a cold metal instrument into your vagina and starts mashing your tummy is -- believe it or not -- incredibly uncomfortable, degrading and slightly violating. And get this:

At this moment -- the exact wrong time -- the worst time, actually -- the man tells me that I need to lose weight. He didn't do this while I was clothed, or even covered up -- he chose the moment where he is shining a light into my probed vagina and I'm spread eagle, utterly naked on a table. The WORST time.

Let's get a few things out of the way before I proceed with this post. First, when my first psychologist told me to lose weight I ended up locking myself in a room for 3 days and crying. Second, I am not one of those idiots who normally gets mad when their doctor mentions their weight. He's your doctor -- his job is to keep you healthy. If your weight is unhealthy, it's his JOB to mention it. That said...

Um. Hello. First, DID YOU LOOK AT MY CHART? How the fuck can this asshole tell me to lose weight when the first column of the first page of my chart tracks my weight which has quite OBVIOUSLY fallen 70 pounds since the beginning of the year. Hey, next time try looking at my chart before seeing me. And jesus christ, can you pick a WORSE time during the appointment to mention that? Seriously, is there ever going to be a WORSE time for a doctor to tell you that? If you have any suggestions -- I'm all ears.

So we finish up, I get dressed and I'm leaving. But no -- I'm not just leaving it at that. I'm not the old me that takes something so inappropriately wrong laying down and goes home and cries about it -- fuck that. So I walk up to where I check out where the receptionist and all the student/residents/interns/nurses/whatever hang out. (BTW, I absolutely love that receptionist). And I ask her where Dr _____ is. She explains why hes not there and I ask her if he will see me next time. I then ask her is this guy ever looks at his patients charts. She informs me that yes -- they are VERY thorough about looking over a patients chart before they see them.

I then proceed to tell them all of the absolute worst time to tell a patient they need to lose weight. By the end of my rendition -- at least two of the resident/student/interns guys are dying laughing (one of them was damn cute too, I should have stopped ranting long enough to get his #). And then I tell them that FURTHERMORE -- I've lost 70 pounds since April. I don't think it's realistically possible for him to expect me to lose faster than that. So maybe next time he should read my chart before he says hello (And I swear that when I finished that sentence a resident spit coffee out of his mouth -- I don't think many people liked that doctor much more than I did).

I then finished it up with a "I don't like him, and I want to redo my patient survey." I swear by the time I walked out of there, every employee of that office was dying laughing.

So I'm proud of myself! Not only did I let it upset me, I took the opportunity to stand up for myself and make everyone (including myself) laugh about it. Score one for me.

BTW, at the office today I was 258 -- blue jeans and all. That's a nice change from 325 in April! I feel good today.

Time for the yearly incredibly uncomfortable appointment.

I have my annual check up with the gynecologist today. Blech. Having a guy shove metal things in my vagina and poke around isn't my idea of a good time.

Well, wait -- maybe I should rethink that last statement.

Ok -- well, paying for it and not enjoying it isn't my idea of a good time. That's better.

I'm putting off taking a shower for as long as possible. I know an hour isn't going to make a difference -- but it's the point. I'd rather go freshly showered. You know, I've heard horror stories of girls that go to get check ups or piercings and ...well, they aren't exactly 'clean.' I don't get that. If someone's poking around down there, I'm gonna be freshly showered. That's like going to the dentist without brushing your teeth.

Or maybe I think too much. Yeah, could be that.

Just so you know

My latest stupid attempt at getting a free Beetle is to email Jay Leno and beg. Don't ask me why -- I have a headache and it's late -- but Jay is a car guy. I think a car guy can understand my fixation on the car.

Oh and I keep getting returns of undeliverable email. Spam email that is apparently disguising itself with my email address. If you see any of these, feel free to forward it to me, I'll get a hell of a laugh out of it.

Shhh. Don't tell.

I went shopping today. Ok, I bought a bra -- that's more than justifiable. All my bras are too big and a bra is not something that should be too big -- take my word for it. Then I bought a shirt which I can wear to class OR work -- also justifiable. And then I paid 60 dollars for some red silk pajamas which I will (hopefully) soon shrink out of.

Ok, so if anyone asks, I totally got them on clearance for like 20 dollars. And if they call that bluff then I'm taking the "they make me feel sexy -- and that's worth 60 dollars, dammit" route.

I was trying on lingerie -- I know, but I've lost weight and I wanted to try on some sexy stuff - so sue me. At least I chose some reasonably conservative pajamas over the silk & lace chemise with matching G string. Which, BTW -- I want. Oh like you girls don't want to buy all the lingerie in the store too. I don't even have a boyfriend and I've still got some damn sexy shit stashed in my closet.

At least these make me feel sexy AND can be worn in front of my family ;)

Houston, we have a problem.

So I'm fixing myself lunch before class -- a chicken wrap. I'm using Tyson's pre-cooked chicken strips. They're easy and I don't have to worry about food poisoning -- wrap them in a tortilla shell with some cheese and salsa -- yummy.

So I toss a fews strips on a paper plate and put them in the microwave for the instructed 30-45 seconds. I'm a boring person, so I decide to watch them spin around for 30 seconds. And 5 seconds in... they catch on fire.


5 seconds in my microwave and they're flaming. They were originally southwestern style, now they're char-broilled. And yes, I still ate them. I figure fire is a more natural way of cooking than microwaves anyway.

Screw Thanksgiving, I'm ready for Christmas!

Now that Halloween is over, I'm so ready for Christmas. I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving because I'll get to go home for a few days (only 2, gotta come back for work the next day). Plus, that's probably going to be when we celebrate my Birthday. But what I really want to do is get out the Christmas songs and decorations.

I want to get a tree for my apartment this year. I haven't in past years because I go home for the holidays. This year though, I'm going to be here at least for the weekends because of work -- and dammit, I gotta have my Christmas cheer. The whole place will smell like pine!

And I've already planned out all my Christmas presents (all but one). I even put them all on hold to pick up when I'm ready (AKA, when I have the money). Then I'll get to wrap them all! And put them under the Christmas tree that's gonna be in the living room! I can't wait!

Oh, and yes -- almost everyone is going to have a partially B&N Christmas. I can't help it -- but I picked out some great gifts. My sisters gift is actually one of the best I've ever got for her -- she's usually so hard to shop for. A certain someone keeps saying that I'm not to get them anything -- why must people say that? They take out so much of the fun. It's not about getting gifts in return, it's that I enjoy the whole thinking and planning and wrapping and giving. It's Christmas time -- there are some people I HAVE to get gifts for so I'm sure as hell going to get gifts for people I really like. My sister even said not to get her anything. Oh yeah, sure... that works. We'll all be in the living room and everyone will be opening presents from each other and I'll get one for everybody but you -- yeah that's gonna happen.

I wish I could go ahead and get them and wrap them up. I love wrapping gifts -- in fact, I could wrap empty boxes and enjoy it. I'm gonna have my own Christmas tree too! Only like 2 weeks till I can put it up. Well, three weeks. Three weeks and I can put it up.

Ramblin' on about nothin'

Uh oh, it's almost midnight and I'm browsing for shared music on iTunes. This always seems to sap away hours of my life at a time. I can't resist. I love to browse peoples collections and find those old songs I used to LOVE. It's like hearing that song on the radio -- that song that takes you back and surrounds you in comfort... for like 4 hours straight.

I'm not lost yet, though. I'm not fully lost until I get out the headphones. Once that happens, I have no hope. I will be sitting here 5 hours from now barely holding my head up and telling myself I'm not sleepy. "Just let me get to the end of this list..."

Speaking of, I saw the most gorgeous man at work today. (Ok, so "speaking of" makes absolutely no sense in this particular situation, but it's a transitional phrase dammit, at least I tried). So he didn't catch my eye until he was standing in front of me when he took off his jacket. I swear my cheeks must have flushed right then and there. Yall, he had the hair, the arms, and he smelled great. I may not have known the "rule of three" for my programming test on Friday, but lord he fit MY rule of three. *swoon*

Oh and anyone looking for anything at my place of work, just go ahead and consider yourself screwed. They let me put out books today. AKA, they gave me a stack of books that weighed more than I do and had me put them 'where they go.' And don't be mistaken -- this wasn't stacks of multiple copies of books -- no, this is "here's one book for Romance, and here's a book for Business > Personal Finance over there on the other side of the store." Now, this sounds like a simple task that any monkey could do -- that's what I thought. You are mistaken. This seems to be so hard for me to do and there's really no excuse as to why it's so hard. I think a lot of it is that these books have been put out by people as crazy as I am, so when you get down to the meat of placing a book, you can't quite figure out exactly where it goes. I spent the entire day staring at a shelf and going "how the fuck are these damn things arranged." (Yes, I curse way too much -- believe it or not I probably spit out more 'fucks' in any given day than just about anyone you know.)

Oh that reminds me -- I picked up a book on how to control men the other day and decided to go through it on my break. Apparently to get and control a man you are: 1, not to wear makeup. 2, no cursing. 3, be absolutely still during sex (you might ruin his rhythm). 4, accept that he is going to cheat on you and it's good for your relationship -- don't make a big deal of it (no, seriously -- it said that). There were actually a lot of things, but that's all I can remember. I'd say that it was so obvious that this book was written by a man except for that whole "don't move during sex" thing he had going on for an entire chapter.

Now I'm just rambling, aren't I?

A trip to the grocery store

Do you ever go to the grocery store and buy a ton of stuff to cook? You're good and you stay away from junk food and plan to cook dinner all week. Then you get home and you have so many good options that you have no idea what you want? I'm there. Do I want A, B, C, D, E, or F... oooo or G? And then you realize that you actually have to cook it. Damn.

Also, I have a problem with Soy milk. It's for people who want milk but can't drink it, right? Well then why doesn't it come in "milk flavor?" They all have a flavor. I don't want a flavor, I want milk. I want the milk flavored soy milk -- why is that so hard to understand?

Lastly, I'm going to have to stop shopping for groceries at Walmart. There are no grocery stores near me. The nearest grocery stores are Target and Walmart. I usually go with Walmart because it's cheaper and has a larger selection than Target. Plus there is that deep seeded hate that I still harbor for my former place of employment. But tonight I saw that they've installed a Sub-Way in Walmart. Oh, that's so wrong. I had to smell Chicken Parm and Meatball subs the entire time I was in there. Oh it was torture. I remember subs -- so yummy -- with bread and lettuce and taking a huge bite and getting all nice and full. Fucking Sub-Way.

Trick-or-Treat ... or not.

I did not get one trick-or-treater last night. Not one. We always get trick or treaters! Hell, last year I was in a dorm and we got trick or treaters -- I ended up emptying my pantry to them. This year I was ready -- in fact I went out twice just to be sure that I had enough to give out. And now I have a big bowl of popcorn and popcorn balls. The balls are pretty good, so okay -- but I don't like popcorn so now I have a dozen packs of popcorn that I have no desire to eat.

I think I'm going to go door-to-door in my building and give it to my neighbors. Maybe they won't consider robbing me later. Or maybe their friend will be thinking about robbing me and they'll say "dude, no way -- she gave us free food." See, my gift of popcorn could really pay off in the future. I'll be sure to give some to the RA too -- we have health inspections coming up, so maybe that'll pay off.

How did yall make out?

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