That's what stress'll get ya

So I was thinking last night (when I had itchy hives and was watching food network at 4am because my stomach hurt so bad that I couldn't lay down) that I never used to get sick as a child. Now I've got more doctors than I can remember. Why is that?

I can't say it's the surgery (remember December/January where I lost my voice because stomach acid had eaten away at my larynx?). The only thing I can pin down is... stress. They always say that stress will eat away at you. I'm living proof! Well, I guess it could be weight -- but weight doesn't give you hives... at least I don't THINK it can. Then again, what the fuck do I know?

Now I'm itchy and in pain and on lots of vitamins and medications and I have, like, a lot of doctors. What the hell man? Stress -- stress will kill you.

I have lots of stress because I stress out about things that haven't even happened yet and probably won't. I stress and worry and freak -- it's what I do. My psychiatrist asks me why. Why don't you tell me why? CODA says we don't do anything that's not paying off. What's my payment in stressing? Do I get to be the martyr? Do I have an excuse for not living up to my potential? Do I get pity -- from both myself and other people?

Intriguing questions, but it's too deep for me to think about at 1 AM. I'd rather think about it at 3 AM when I'm staring at the ceiling trying to sleep. See, then I can stress out about how much I stress out and why do I do it. I think the answer to all the above questions is yes. This is something I need to work on.

Acknowledgment is half the battle.


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