I wish I had a reason; my flaws are open season

I am fully aware that I have been sleeping far too much lately. Be it sleeping late or just "naps." I know it's not mentally healthy, but I've been using the "physical" excuse (itchy hives). It doesn't make life any better -- but it sure does make it easier. I could deal with life... or I could just sleep. I don't worry when I'm asleep. I don't freak out when I'm asleep. I'm not lonely if I'm asleep.

That last one is very important. Plus time passes. Maybe I'll meet someone tomorrow -- tomorrow will come faster if I take a nap.

I'm mad at God. He knows it. We've talked about it. More accurately: I talked to the wall about it. I'm tired of hearing "It'll happen" "God has a plan for you" "There's someone out there for you." How do we know God has a plan for me? How do we know "it'll happen." In my near 23 years I've never had a guy. NEVER EVER -- not even some stupid pretend relationship. NOTHING. And sure you say -- "oh you're so young" -- screw you, you were "in love" when you were 18. How many relationships did you have by the time you were 23? And don't give me some shit about they didn't mean anything -- at least you had someone -- at least someone gave a shit about you.

I'm tired of being alone. And tired is a HUGE understatement.

I'm so tired that I'm sick. I'm so tired that I just want to sleep -- and then sleep some more. Life sucks and I'm tired of being awake for it. Who cares? No ones gonna notice. IT'S JUST ME.

If I'm gonna be alone for the next 80 years then I'd rather skip it, thank you. I want someone to love -- I want someone to cook for and pamper and make happy. I want someone to hold and to hold me. I want to know that at the end of the day -- no matter how shitty my day is, it'll be ok -- cause we'll be together.

But it won't be ok. And I'll be alone. And god I'm so sick and tired of it. I'm fucking pissed at God and He totally knows it. And He can strike my ass down for it -- cause at least then I won't be alone anymore -- or at least I wouldn't care anymore.
"Wish I was too dead to care
If indeed I cared at all
Never had a voice to protest
So you fed me shit to digest
I wish I had a reason;
my flaws are open season
For this, I gave up trying
One good turn deserves my dying

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be "


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