Slow progress -- Some personal reflections

So I'm sitting here reading my CODA books (specifically "Codependent No More" and "The Language of Letting Go" -- both by Melody Beattie) and I'm reading a chapter about feelings. Doesn't that just sound lame? Like something you hear in therapy? Yeah well I'm not unknown to therapy and I'm getting used to the lameness of it all.

And I keep thinking "don't apologize for the way you feel." Someone used to tell me that a lot and I used to get mad about it because I was apologizing for the way I felt because IT WAS WRONG and therefore should be regretted, apologized for, and repressed forever and dear god strike me down for even mentioning that I felt that way. Ahhhh memories.

Just in the past year I've really made a lot of progress. So it took me 21 years to even consider getting on the ball -- late is better than never. I've gotten better about how I feel and paying attention myself. I've gotten better about being less crazy. The way I interact with my family has had a complete and total overhaul -- for the better, though it still needs lots of tweaks.

I FEEL better. Lots of emphasis on that. I feel a lot better. In fact that is such an understatement that it's laughable. Did I really think I could just go through life being so sick with myself that I had to throw up every morning before I even said hello or considered what I had to do for the day? And lord to think of the way I just FELT all the time. Unbelievable. I can't even explain the difference, but suffice to say that it's enough to keep me buying a 200 dollar out-of-pocket prescription every month even though I can't afford it. This is priceless and I refuse to put a price on my sanity. Lord, just trying to imagine how I THINK different -- not because of anything I've learned or experienced -- my brain just works different. And I like this way much better.

I deserve to feel good -- even on days like this where I pretty much don't do anything of effect anyone else in anyway. I still deserve to feel good. I don't deserve to cry myself to sleep, or be physically ill all day agonizing over god knows what and pondering all the wonderful things that would happen if I would just go ahead and kill myself already. No one deserves that and unfortunately most of the people who feel that way just don't know any better. I didn't know it could be different.

One of the big things you get told straight away is that it's not your fault and if you knew better you would have done better. Simple as that.

And now I know a little better and I do a little better. I'm working on myself on all levels and I feel really damn good about it.

So I'm tired of being overweight -- I decided to do something about that, and now that's changing (oh so slowly). So I couldn't control my emotions... at all (understatement -- cringe). I'm working on that too. I'm also going to class and doing my work to work on my life and myself. Mmmmmmmm.

And I know that I've got a LOT left to figure out and change. A year is nothing compared to the 21 years that came before it and all the ways I have to change. But I've made so much progress in one year! I can't imagine where I'll be this time next year.

And I'm about to go to bed -- and I'll say a prayer and wait till I fall asleep. And I won't go to sleep particularly ecstatic, but I won't go to bed sad or in regret. And I'll wake up the same way. And that's really rather nice.

And I want to thank those who stuck with me and helped me get this far. But more importantly, I want to thank myself for finally figuring out that it's worth it -- that I'M worth it.

And yes it all sounds like lame therapy bullshit, I know -- but it means a lot to me. I feel good right now. I feel good about me right now. :)

Dang-- if I had some spare cash I'd go buy myself a vase full of daisies -- even though they serve no purpose what-so-ever and I'm the only one who would see them and they'd die in a few days. I'd still buy them just because I wanted them.


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