How to get out of a dentists appointment and not pay the 30 dollar late-cacellation fee

Call at 11 AM and say "Yes, my name is ___ and I have an appointment at 1" -- pause for thoughtful regret impression -- "I'm not going to be able to make it." She'll then cancel your appointment and remind you that there will be a 30 dollar late cancelation fee. That's where you whip out the excuse: "Well, is there any way we can get around that? The only reason I'm having to cancel is because I'm highly allergic to poison ivy... and I'm covered in poison ivy." Don't forget to sound like you really regret doing this because really, a teeth cleaning is a lot more pleasurable than being covered in poison ivy. So then she says that that is a good reason to wave the fee -- the nail it in with "yeah, not only for me but any one who touches me would probably get poison ivy." Then you're solid.

Ok, so no I don't have poison ivy -- I'd be happy if I did because I'd know what's wrong with me and how to fix it and move on with my life. However I really am highly allergic to poison ivy -- I get just a smidge of a rash and then I might as well go ahead and cry because I know what will come next. The next day I will be covered in one gigantic swollen lumpy oozing rash (OMG the bumps between the fingers -- just the thought is enough to make me want to vomit) and this is not something that will just go away -- this requires shots and weeks worth of steroids (sometimes multiple shots). It's horrible and *knock on wood I have been lucky enough to have avoided it the past few years.

What I do have is some anonymous kryptonite hanging around my neck. I have no idea what's wrong with me, but my body isn't happy about it. This morning it was the worst yet. Until this weekend, there were a few spots on my body that were still held sacred -- like my face and lower legs. Not anymore. Every inch of my body is game for itchy red welts. And it's SO WEIRD. I've never had anything like this. Like I'll be covered in these welts -- and no, not some red rash -- I mean swollen red bumps that will mesh together and make large continents of red itchyness on my skin. And i'll itch like crazy -- then an hour later my skin is perfectly normal and the welts moved to another spot. It's insane. I didn't even know the body was CAPABLE of shit like that. So yes, this morning I woke up and it wasn't just a spot -- it was my ENTIRE legs, my ENTIRE torso and my arms. Like, seriously -- it's been just patches here in there, but no -- thats a fucking caribbean vacation compared to this. I literally woke up and scratched my legs till they were bleeding -- I know, bad Karen -- but I couldn't help it. So then I totally ODed on antihistamines. I took a huge does of liquid Benadryl, a 24 hour prescription-strength Clariten sublingual, and sprayed my entire body with Benadryl spray (not to be used with any other antihistamine, including those taken by mouth -- kiss my ass, you aren't in my shoes). And I layed in my bed of fire ants.

And as I allowed my brain to be shut-down it occurred to me that it's only getting worse. And I don't know how allergies or this stuff works -- I literally don't know how the body works at all. So in my figuring, my body is doing this cause there's something in it that just isn't compatible. You can't install an .exe on a Mac (my body gets to be a Mac in this scenario) -- So my bodys way of saying error is this. Ok. Got the message. So what happens when after 2 weeks of this horrid plague of an error message isn't enough? Like will whatever it is cause harm to my body? What if my throat swells up and I can't breath -- or like what if it fucks with my insides and I can't see it? And then for a second I really regretted taking way more medication than I knew what was good for me -- cause what if I needed to go to the hospital or something?

And then I fell asleep.

I'm gonna be honest with you -- I forgot what point I was trying to make there. But so anyway, yeah. They're pretty much gone this evening though. Only a few spots around my lower back and sides really. However all this scratching is getting to me -- I've got bruises and nicks in places where they are particularly known to pop up.

It's so amazing to me that skin that looked so horrible and diseased this morning is back to its normal smoothness already with no ill-effects. Oh I know it'll be back though. It's always back. Because life sucks.

Shoot. Me.


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