So this morning sucked.

I woke up early today and decided to actually get up instead of going back to sleep until noon. I woke up in a very reflective mood. I choose to say reflective because it sounds nice. It was mainly about my father and I hesitate to post much about it -- not out of respect, but out of fear of way more stress than I need. Mainly the big 'ol "why aren't I good enough?" questions. And I say that only because it's easier to say that simply than to state how I feel. It's not that I don't feel good enough, it's more of what the fuck is wrong with him.

So obviously I'm starting out the day with one bum knee already. Then I go and start listening to music and one song reminds me of something. So I get all excited and want to find that memory. So I go searching through chat-logs and I find myself 16 months ago. Only I don't find my memory. I find where I was 16 months ago. Not a happy place.

I think the problem with some of my past is that I won't forgive it. I won't even think about it. In fact the second some hurt from my past pops into my head (as has been happening way to often lately) I react in anger, tense up and won't allow it further into my mind.

Well I let this one in. And for an hour I poured over it, digging deeper and deeper. And all it is is sadness. I don't know how to deal with it or get over it. It still hurts a lot. And I'm afraid it will repeat and happen again -- soon, no less. So what do I do? And no that not a question to lead into my answer -- I simply don't have one.

I fear the what-ifs. And the ones I fear the most are the ones most likely to happen... that makes it worse.

So I'm just in a shitty place. I'm in that sad place. That can't-eat place.

I'm also in the about to go to 5 hours of math classes place... Anyway, enough of that. Maybe my CODA group will help me sort it out tomorrow.

In other news, last night I was making myself a smoothie, right? Well I had the blender top off so I could stir it as it was blending because I like my smoothies really thick and the blender isn't powerful enough to get it all with out me helping it a bit. Well, I sensed some shoot out but I couldn't find it or where it went so I just figured it was my imagination. Then this morning I'm in the kitchen and there's purple stuff all over the side of the fridge. That really pisses me off -- why can't people clean up after themselves? And I was really getting pissy about it. Then I realize... that looks like blackberries...

Yep, it was my mess. Don't you hate when something like that happens?


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