3 Months post-op (part one of two)

So it's August 16th meaning it's been 3 months since I committed to what was one of (if not the) biggest decisions of my life. Weight loss surgery -- and we're talking the hard-core cut up my intestines kind. I haven't had an ounce of regret yet.

I'm very thankful that I haven't had any complications. I healed up nicely and pretty quickly and haven't had to go back to the doctor yet (well, aside from the 2 weeks check-up). Praise God for that!

I'm losing. I type that but I don't know if I honestly believe it. I know it pains my friends and family that I'm so negative. I expected to lose such much faster. I've skipped my last two support group meetings because it's just depressing to go in and hear people who had the surgery weeks after me that have lost twice as much as me. Actually, depressing is an understatement. It quite honestly breaks my spirit a little.

I feel emotionally fatter than before I had the surgery. I knew that would happen. The reason I hated diets -- my weight is constantly on my mind -- what I eat, how much I eat, when I eat is constantly being analyzed. I've gotten to the point where a lot of the time, I have to force myself to eat anything at all. I just don't want to eat. Food is fat. Fat has contributed to a lot of shittyness and pain in my life. I want it to be over.

However, I have made lots of progress! I bought my first pair of size-smaller jeans just this weekend. Actually, depending on the cut of the jean, you could say I've lost 2 sizes. All my bras went from tight to too big (It's a shame, I had just bought some cute ones). I lost a lot of ass. Really, I think the place I've lost the most weight is totally my ass. I've lost somewhere around 30 pounds (Since April, I've lost over 40). Thats a lot. Imagine a 30 pound bag of dog food or something. Now strap that on your back and walk around all day. I lost 30 pounds! And more importantly, for once in my life I know that that 30 pounds isn't coming back.

I've got three pairs of jeans I'm trashing because they're just too big. As my clothes get too big, I'm trashing or donating them all. I will not keep them in my closet, I will not put them in storage -- they shall be gone. I went from having to rest before I completed a mile, to being able to walk 2 consistently with NO rest in between. 3 miles is just on the horizon ;) I'm learning what will and will not make me sick. I haven't vomited in almost 2 weeks! (That's a jinx waiting to happen).

Before I had the surgery I was so excited and so sure that I'd lose the weight. Now I actually find myself questioning if I will even lose another pound. I'm scared that I might have done something so radical to my body that I'll have to live with for the rest of my life to lose a mere 30 pounds and still be super morbidly obese. My goal is not to be skinny. I know that would be unreasonable. My goal for myself is actually a higher weight than the goal my doctor has for me. I want to be a size 12/14 which I figure should be about 160 - 170 pounds. (Don't spaz on me if you don't think that's correct -- what do I know? I can't ever remember weighting so little -- fuck if I know what size that would be). I just want to be out of plus-size clothes. I think that's a totally reasonable goal. Well, it seemed reasonable before I found out I'd barely lose 30 pounds in the first three months. As my neighbor pointed out so eloquently -- she lost 30 pounds before she left the hospital.

So we'll see what happens. I've got 16 months left of prime weight-loss time (they say you get 18 months to drop the weight, though almost all of it should come off in the first year). Oh and this is only part one, because part 2 will list just how much I've lost and how many inches and such I have lost. I only look at that stuff every month and the book I keep it in is back at home in Huntsville.

Here' to more progress! I'm still waiting for it to just "fall off" like everyone keeps saying. Kiss my ass, ain't nothing just 'falling off.' Maybe my ass will fall off this month. Like opus. "Look -- it's replaceable! Like a tire!"


Anonymous Leah said...

Karen, just keep up the progress. If you want a gauge -- I'm 5'4" and I weigh 170. Mostly, I've got some extra belly fat and large thighs, and my bum is kinda big. but I'm not really all that fat in any on particular place. I actually hardly ever mind how I look (until my family gets on my case about it). 160/170 should be just fine for you.

just take things at whatever pace they happen. Everyone's body works differently, and you can't expect your body to function the same way as someone else. I wish you tons of luck in working out the weight issue, and I think you're incredibly brave for getting weight loss surgery. That's a scary thing.

If you ever need to vent re:weight, feel free to email me. I totally understand your problems, even if I'm not as heavy as you. I've gotten tons of flack from people I've really cared about (family, boyfriends, friends, etc). It's definitely painful when you're making progress and then someone makes a dumb crack about how much you *still* weigh. The point of progress over time is that it takes *time*. It won't happen overnight. However, one day you will wake up and realize that your goal snuck up on you. Just take it slow, girl. Good luck and God bless.

1:36 AM  
Blogger Karen said...

Thanks leah :) And yeah I'm 5'4" too so awesome, 170 should be fine for me. ...if I get there. ;)

2:41 PM  

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