I’m early for class so I popped in a computer lab – so sue me. I miss the internet. I’d browse some of my favorite blogs, but I can see myself getting in huge trouble for using the software lab for that. So I’ll only quickly check on one or two…

I called to see if I could pick up my computer today (this will make the third day they’ve had it, since I dropped it off really early on Monday). They don’t have it – they shipped it off to Apple. Thanks a lot guys, I could have done that Monday and had it shipped back to me – you’re just playing the middle man. Oh and they didn’t even ship it to Apple until Tuesday evening which means me taking it to them was a mistake, I should have just shipped it to Apple myself on Monday morning. That really pisses me off.

I know, I’m just irritable. I’m nervous about class. …still.

Oh and I called every pharmacy in the phone book looking for generic Effexor that my doctor swears exists. (The phone book I had to borrow from my neighbors upstairs because apparently college students don’t have phone books – why? Because they have computers. And my Chinese roommate couldn’t even understand what a phonebook is – she just kept saying “phonebook” over and over. “phonebook?” “yes, phone. book.” “phonebook?” “yeah, the yellow pages – book with phone numbers – big book” “phonebook?” “never mind” “phonebook?” Christ, a furbie learns quicker).

Anyway, no one had ever heard of a generic so I call the doctors office (I’ve been doing this back-and-forth for 3 days now). So they call the pharmacy and order it for me. Then they call be 20 minutes later and say that the generic was discontinued so I have to get name brand. Well thanks for having me call 20 pharmacies and sound like an idiot.

So again, I’m paying almost $250 for one prescription for one month. That’s just under $10 A DAY. I can’t afford this prescription anymore. I don’t know what I’m gonna do – have you heard stories about people who go off Effexor? It doesn’t sound fun. Not to mention the fact that I’d only be going off it so I could be crazy and depressed again for the rest of my life. Ahhh… stress. God will provide… right?

When knives attack

I dropped my computer off for repairs. It’s killing me. You know how when your modem goes out or the power goes out and you can’t get online and it drives you insane? Then the power comes on and you check your email and you’re done? Yeah – like that. It’s not that I have anything to do online – I just can’t stand the fact that I can’t sign on.

Yesterday I got a guy from my class to email me some work, but then I remembered – I can’t check my email. And today I went to look up a number with my yellowpages widget and my beloved powerbook wasn’t there.

I miss it.

Anyway, on another note I wanted to post what happened to me this morning seeing as it’s a very typical thing that would only happen to me. I was going to cut a block of cheese so I could have cheese crackers, right? Well, I was using steph’s cheap knives and as I begin to cut, the blade breaks off, flips back towards me and slices my arm. I am not kidding. It wasn’t even hard cheese – it was cheddar with extra high moisture content – AKA SOFT.

So if someone asks how I got this lovely cut on my arm, I’m going to have to make something up because I refuse to answer “I was cutting some cheese when the knife attacked me.”

So this morning sucked.

I woke up early today and decided to actually get up instead of going back to sleep until noon. I woke up in a very reflective mood. I choose to say reflective because it sounds nice. It was mainly about my father and I hesitate to post much about it -- not out of respect, but out of fear of way more stress than I need. Mainly the big 'ol "why aren't I good enough?" questions. And I say that only because it's easier to say that simply than to state how I feel. It's not that I don't feel good enough, it's more of what the fuck is wrong with him.

So obviously I'm starting out the day with one bum knee already. Then I go and start listening to music and one song reminds me of something. So I get all excited and want to find that memory. So I go searching through chat-logs and I find myself 16 months ago. Only I don't find my memory. I find where I was 16 months ago. Not a happy place.

I think the problem with some of my past is that I won't forgive it. I won't even think about it. In fact the second some hurt from my past pops into my head (as has been happening way to often lately) I react in anger, tense up and won't allow it further into my mind.

Well I let this one in. And for an hour I poured over it, digging deeper and deeper. And all it is is sadness. I don't know how to deal with it or get over it. It still hurts a lot. And I'm afraid it will repeat and happen again -- soon, no less. So what do I do? And no that not a question to lead into my answer -- I simply don't have one.

I fear the what-ifs. And the ones I fear the most are the ones most likely to happen... that makes it worse.

So I'm just in a shitty place. I'm in that sad place. That can't-eat place.

I'm also in the about to go to 5 hours of math classes place... Anyway, enough of that. Maybe my CODA group will help me sort it out tomorrow.

In other news, last night I was making myself a smoothie, right? Well I had the blender top off so I could stir it as it was blending because I like my smoothies really thick and the blender isn't powerful enough to get it all with out me helping it a bit. Well, I sensed some shoot out but I couldn't find it or where it went so I just figured it was my imagination. Then this morning I'm in the kitchen and there's purple stuff all over the side of the fridge. That really pisses me off -- why can't people clean up after themselves? And I was really getting pissy about it. Then I realize... that looks like blackberries...

Yep, it was my mess. Don't you hate when something like that happens?

I can't decide if you're sick or just a bad person.

Are you satisfied now?

So my job hunt continues. I applied at Best Buy since everyone in the free world thinks that's where I should work. And I did a one up -- not only did I apply for the geek squad, I also applied for any cashier or floor positions much as I would hate it.

And you can bet your ass I applied my artistic license to that personality survey. Are you irritable? No. Do you like people? Yes. Are people usually offended by you? No. Do you curse? No. Do you find people to be generally annoying? No. Could you work at a job where you dealt with angry people all day? Yes. Ok seriously, I can answer Yes to that questions because YOU try working at Target as a cashier on opening shift the day after thanksgiving two years in a row. I'm tried, tested, and proven!

Seriously though, it was a 20 page personality test. And lots of the questions were continuously repeated. And you think you're doing good but around page 16 you start to question yourself and your sanity. And we all know good an well my sanity is already questionable at best.

Here's the facts, Mr. Prospective Employer: All you care about is if I can fake not being irritated with your customers. I've got years of customer experience and all my employers have always loved me. I show up for work and customers like me because I'm efficient and great at what I do. That's all you need to know. Whether or not I'm happy more days than I'm sad is between me and my well-paid psychiatrist.

(BTW, I've never failed a personality survey but I do have a friend who was denied a job at Target because they didn't pass the personality survey. Makes you wonder, doesn't it?)

Mmmmm Mac...

So I'm watching the Birthday Cake challenge on Food Network (because I have nothing better to do) when my phone rings. Ohhhh a phone call! It's my sister... calling for my dad. Boooooo.

___Insert paragraph where I rant here___

Ok. I've got like 1 minute to figure out how to receive a fax with my powerbook. I know this can be done because Izzy told me it could and he's my Mac guru. But Izzy isn't online (damn it).

Ok Ok. Google. So I google "Mac OSX recieve fax" Oh look at that, I misspelled receive -- Isn't it nice of google to correct me? Anyway, I come up on this page from Apple. I like when I can get my information straight from the primary source so I'm happy about this. Only problem is this is just a page taunting the wonderful built-in-ablity to fax. I need directions, dammit! It does have a picture of a print & fax options dialogue box. So I open System Prefs and lo and behold there it is! So I enter my fax number and check the options I want. Ok now what?

I've tried to fax from Windows before and never actually figured it out... so I'm looking for someway to set up the modem to receive faxes. Cause lord knows nothing is that simple.

Only thing is, there are no other options... just this simple, easy-to-understand dialogue box. Could that really be it? So I hook up the phone line and call my sister and tell her to fax it. Then I glue myself to the computer.

The phone rings -- I see the computer doing something. Connecting connecting... receiving receiving... connecting again -- Oh no I've failed. I will pay for this failure. Wait -- receiving... OMG it stopped. Nothing happened. No windows -- no options. I've failed.

BUT WAIT -- My printer is wirelessly printing something! Holy shit it worked.

Go figure this is the most insignificant letter ever, but whatever.

Isn't that awesome? All I had to do was open a easy-to-find easy-to-understand dialogue box and enter my phone number. No ok buttons, no apply buttons -- no setting up a modem -- nothing else. And the thing just worked.

It doesn't get much more built-in then that, folks.

Steve Jobs, I want to kiss you!

Approximating an indefinite integral using a Nth degree Taylor polynomial

Just in case you ever wanted to, I figured I'd include the notes on the polynomial formula for you. Hey, you might have to do a proof on this one day.

I was actually doing homework this evening -- isn't that so out of character for me? But I was. I had a wonderful day today and I didn't even leave the apartment. I just had a good day and I thought I'd follow up my feel-goods by doing some homework so I can feel good tomorrow too. Good plan eh?

I didn't really get to the math courses though... only because I didn't feel like doing the work. But doing the work for 2 out of 4 classes 3 days before they are due is impressive -- especially for me. I was looking over the notes and thought 'hmmmmm I should post some of this bullshit.' So here we go. (Click on the picture for a bigger image). This is one of the 6 pages of notes I took in numerical analysis on Wednesday. Isn't it just so fascinating?

*Keep in mind that this only yields decent results in the area immediately around point a. You want data for some other point -- do it again.


I stole this from Mark. Blame him.

1. What is your full name? Karen _____ _____ (a post like this is exactly what lead to my name being totally google-able on my last blog. I won't make that mistake again)
2. What color pants are you wearing? blue pajama pants with snowmen and snowflakes
3. What are you listening to right now? the air conditioner
4. What is the last thing you ate? sugar free chocolate chip cookies dipped in a glass of milk
5. Do you wish on stars? not usually but it's been known to happen
6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? I'd like to say a nice chartreuse but I don't think my personality is actually chartreuse. Maybe a muddy burgundy? Or all the colors mix together to grey... and it breaks her heart...
7. What shirt are you wearing right now? A very old Third Day shirt that I probably should have retired by now
8. Last person you spoke to on the phone? My sister-in-law Heidi
9. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Well it wasn't sent to me, I got it off Mark's blog. I like him
10. How old are you today? 22
11. Favorite drink(s): milk
12. Favorite sport? baseball and football
13. Do you wear contacts? no
14. Siblings? a brother and 2 sisters
15. Favorite month? October 16. Favorite food? mexican food!
17. What was the last movie you saw? Guarding Tess
18. Favorite day of the year? I'm going to go with July 4th but only because I had to pick one
19. What do you do to vent anger? talk about it -- that's why I appear to bitch so much
20. What was your favorite toy as child? I had this old raccoon hand puppet that I carried around everywhere. The thing was so nasty after all that abuse that I bet my mom 'accidently' threw it away.
21. Summer or winter? fall
22. Hugs or kisses? hugs
23. Chocolate or vanilla? vanilla
24. Do you want your friends to e-mail you back? when I send them emails, yes
25. Who is most likely to respond? I don't send many emails
26. Who is least likely to respond? NA
27. When is the last time you cried? Eh, I seem to vaguely recall crying about something last week
28. What is under your bed? bags, a big container of misc junk, a basket of sweaters, clean laundry that I need to put up, a case of water, and some important paperwork
29. Who is the friend you have had the longest? Hmmm... I bet it would be Izzy :)
30. What did you do last night? Went to the grocery store and stayed up way too late watching movies on TNT
31. What are you afraid of? failure, loneliness, spiders, bats
32. Plain, buttered, or salted popcorn? kettle corn
33. Favorite car? Volkswagen Beetle34. Favorite flower? gerber daisy
35. Number of keys on key ring? 5
36. Favorite day of the week? Friday
37. What did you do on your last birthday? Went to class... got angry at everyone I know
38. How many states have you lived in? 1

Coming up on the music scene (at least the part I care about)

Fall semester looks like it's shaping up to be a great time for new music. I never buy CDs but I already see a few on the horizon that I will be sure to grab up immediatly. Maybe these:

~ Sarah McLachlan Bloom (remix CD)September 6
~ Trapt Someone in ControlSeptember 13
~ Nickelback All the Right ReasonsOctober 4
~ Third Day Wherever You AreNovember 1
~ Velvet Revolver TBARumored for December

Did you like the nicely formatted table there? Uhuh, I am AWESOME like that. Yes, I really am a computer science major. I know that's hard to believe most of the time... try being my beloved tech support.

Ok, so I'm not hugely excited about the Trapt CD, but I wouldn't mind giving it a listen or two. I'm really excited about the Nickelback CD. Of course I got so excited about their last one (The Long Road) and then was really disappointed when it came out. I'll let you know, however, that I have grown to love that CD.

As to the others, I know Izzy has to be excited about those Velvet Revolver rumors. Also about the Sarah McLachlan -- he's the one that called my attention to that one.

Third Day I will be seeing at Big Spring Jam on September 24th. Mom is even going to come up to Huntsville for it! I know she's really excited about it as am I . She is completely hooked on them... thanks to me ;) Obviously, I will be buying their CD the second I have a chance. I've heard some of the song titles and am quite disappointed to conclude that this will probably be a mellow and possibly even _gulp_ worshipy CD. I had hoped that Wire marked them getting back to the great Rock we know they can produce -- But it's looking like after two worship CDs, they might be going into soccer-mom territory.

Obviously, I could be (and hope that I am) wrong. We shall see in November. Don't get me wrong -- CCM has its place (I mean the soccer-moms and uptight bubble-people do deserve some good music) and Third Day makes top notch music no matter the 'category'... but come on -- we all know they could rock out and go mainstream if they wanted! Look at Switchfoot getting played in commercials and on mainstream radio -- Third Day is a MILLION times better than them! Whoever is doing Third Day's marketing totally needs to be fired and I AM NOT the only one who thinks that. You know you think it too (assuming you are a fan). People outside of Christian music haven't even HEARD OF Third Day ...but they've heard of switchfoot, haven't they?

Ehem. Sorry about the little rant there. If you haven't heard of my beloved Third Day then you are seriously missing out. I don't care if you are Christian or not -- good music is good music. Check out their site.

That is all.

I'm feeling gypped

Panic Room is on TNT right now. When this movie first came out, I went to the theater to see it and they IDed me -- only I hadn't driven to the theater and didn't have my ID on me. So I had to go all the way back home while my friends waited so I could get my ID and get into the movie. It was a large pain in the ass. Now, I'm sitting in the chair by my window relaxing and flipping through the channels and here it is on TNT. Free. No ID required. In my pajamas.

Seems so unfair somehow...

Anyone that can help me get Virtual PC for Mac OSX?

Anyone know where I can get a steal on a copy of Virtual PC for Mac OSX? I can get any Windows OS plus all the software I need for all my classes for free through my school, but they only run on Windows. Well... I have a powerbook, not a PC. I don't have a hundred bucks to buy a copy of virtual PC either. Does anyone out there have a school that offers it?

Enough attempted mooching. I went to class today - no freaking out. I met a guy on the elevator who was going to the same class. Then he recognized me from 2 of my other classes. Isn't that a coincidence? Class was boring. They say its a course to weed people out. Bull shit. I know for a fact that this course is easy -- I've helped people with their programs that were in this course.

Anyway, really need that virtual PC if anyone can help me out.

Researching weight loss surgery 3 months after I had it at 3AM

Hi, I'm awake. Yesterday left me exhausted so I hit the sac at 10 and was asleep by 11:30ish. So now I'm awake. I was actually really thirsty, that's why I got up. For a while I wasn't drinking the shitloads of water I'm supposed to drink but lately I've been getting my allotted obnoxious 64ozs. Yay.

So the computer is just too alluring. I'm gonna be up anyway -- why shouldn't I be online too? I googled hair-loss after weight-loss surgery because I lost way too much hair today. That didn't last long before I was trying to find out how to speed up my weight loss or at least what the average is. Everyone says something different.

I found one surgeons site that said the average after surgery is around 10 pounds a month for the first 2 months. Well, thats spot on with what I've lost -- but MY surgeon told me the average was 5-10 pounds a WEEK for the first month or 2. The site also said that you should not eat more than 3 meals a day and if you are not hungry you should not eat -- even if that means not eating for 2 days. I find that a little odd, but I think I might want to partially listen to it. It wasn't my nutritionist or surgeon who told me to eat lots -- it's what everyone else told me and what my support group totally jumped on me for -- OMG I'm not eating enough!

Screw that man, I can easily go down to eating way less and maybe I should. The problem is that I've read so much information, done so much research, and talked to so many different people that I have no fucking clue what I'm supposed to be doing.

And I read people saying that they average 28 pounds lost a month and I just want to scream. Some people lose more when they eat more. Some people this and some people that -- how can everyone have such polar opinions about what to do?

But you know what -- I was losing super slow even in the 2 weeks where sugar free jello was the most I could eat.

I'm writing this as I'm reading questions and answers from people who have had the surgery. I'm seeing a ton of people I'm totally jealous of -- but there's a few poor saps who are worse off than I am. That makes me feel better. Isn't that sad? Sometimes when I post about how upset I am on my blog, I like to think that maybe someone will come across it and it will make them feel better in some morbid way. I told Steph this morning that I was going to post my freak-out so that normal people could feel better about being more normal than me. So if you're out there googling weight-loss surgery -- know this: you might not lose all that fast, and the more research you do -- the more confused you will be.

But hey, I'm down 36lbs since surgery and about 48lbs since April. Damn, that really is a lot of weight. Of course I still need to lose like 120 but hey, baby steps. (Notice that I said something good about myself and follow it up with a jab. Dude, I serious have to work on that shit)

I survived

Yes, I survived today. ...with the help of a lot of Effexor and some left over Klonopin. Mmm. 5 hours of math classes -- Fun!

This semester is looking like it's going to be a hard one. My first class today is a hardware class -- anyone who has toyed with the idea of computer science knows that it's all pretty much math. This class was no different. We spent the hour converting between and playing around with the decimal, binary, octal, and hexidecimal systems. Mmmm fun. The cool news is that by the end of this semester, I should be able to macgyver up a CPU and arithmetic-logic unit. Should is the key word there.

Class number 2 is another math class. This one will study quantitated error due to truncation. The point is to approximate indefinite decimals and impossible integrals and study the error that results. That's particularly relevant to computer science because computers have to truncate decimals -- you can't store an infinite decimal in binary. So now we get to study just how much that will fuck you over in the end.   

Class 3 is... yes, simply Differential Equations. I fully admit that I have started this class twice and dropped after like a month. Third times a charm... right?

Tomorrow should be a lot easier than today.

I'm exhausted. Freaking out totally wears me out on every level.

On the verge of an anxiety attack

Yeah, I'm freaking out. I don't want to go to class. I don't want to leave my room. I think I'd like to get back in bed under the nice covers and stare at the wall for a while. Ugh.

I'm about to be way more honest and transparent than I want to be. What am I afraid of? People. In particular mean, obnoxious people. What if I go to class and someone decides to make a joke at my expense? What if some jackass decides to taunt the overweight girl? I don't think I could handle that at all. And I guess it's always hiding in the back of my mind somewhere -- but I'll be with these people for the entire semester. And what if it's more than one person? What if I have to deal with it every day?

There will be lots of people I have to pass in the parking lot. I'll see lots of people on my way to class. And today I have 3 classes with LOTS of new people just sitting around bored. UGH. What if they make fun of me?

And I don't think you really understand the point to which this is taking me over. My stomach is in one hell of a retched knot. Anyone have any smooth muscle relaxers? PLEASE? At this point I just don't want to leave my room. And I'm almost literally afraid that I can't. I keep remembering one particular incident that happened in the math building where I just couldn't go to class. I went to the stairwell to sit and relax for a minute and just went home because I couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle being in a room full of people I don't know.

And yes my psychiatrist knows this and he doesn't think I need anything for it.

Ugh someone shoot me. I want to die. Kill me now -- before class starts. PLEASE.

New semester eve

Tomorrow I start Fall semester. Naturally, I'm freaking out a bit if I think about it too hard. I can't just think "tomorrow I've got to go to class, then I'll do some homework." No. I can't look at one day -- I've got to look at the whole semester and the box of crap. What am I going to wear? I've got to meet people. I've got to make a good grade. I've got to do this and that -- and all the weird irrational things I always think.

Since November I've been freaking out about not "meeting people." That's supposed to be my goal. Fuck it, I'm not meeting people and I'm not doing good in my classes either -- I'm switching focus to making good grades this semester. No sitting in the back and making jokes with the people around me. I think I shall actually pay attention and take notes.

See, how I have to think this through again and again? I can't just go do what I have to do... I have to think and worry and stress out.

Good news is that my tuition is paid. My books are bought and I even went out today and got shiny new notebooks.


Morning: 9:00AM

[Scene: Karen is in bed sleeping, as is a given in the AM hours.]

Steph: *Bangs obnoxiously on door* "GET YOUR ASS OUT OF BED!"

Karen: "no"

Steph: *continues the attack on my door* "GET UP!"



So Stephs moving in today. Yay! English speaking roommate!

Speaking of English speaking roommates -- or should I say non-English speaking roommates. China girl has had another Chinese girl living here. No, I can't tell them apart. All oriental people look the same to me. I know that's racist -- but dude, they really do. So the non-roommate asks me for help with her school email address and I'm nice so I google to find the directory. You have to search with your last name, right? So I type in the last name of the roommate and go "is that right" and she goes "no i'm not ____."


Then I tell Steph about it and she laughs at me, right? Then the roommate roommate walks past and Steph looks at me a mouths "Holy shit, they do look the same." SEE!

I'm locked in!

I can't get my door open. I've tried turning the knob as hard as I can -- kicking it, pushing it, pulling it. I just started laughing because I really cant get it open. Reminds me of when Meredith and me got stuck in that apartment -- we literally pulled the doorknob off and had to have maintenance come open the door.

At least now I live on the first floor where I can hop out the window. I'm about to hop out the window and try to get it open from the outside. Pushing something is usually easier than pulling something... right?

Who the hell shut the door? We never shut the door because not only is it hard to open -- it's hard to shut too. I know that sounds like a huge security risk -- and it is... but I keep my bedroom door locked so it's not like they could steal my stuff. It's also so convenient when you come home with your hands full and you can just push the door open. Look ma! No keys!

UPDATE: So I went to open the window and it has a screen on it. Dilemma. So I start unscrewing the screws to get the screen out... and there was a black widow on the screen. I just started screaming. Window idea is SO OUT. I really can't get the fucking door open.

Any one in Huntsville wanna come help me out? Please?

UPDATE 2: Ok. The screen on my bedroom window was already screwy when I moved in so I ripped it out once to throw shit through the window when I was moving. So no harm in ripping it out again -- right? Only thing is, once I go out this window -- I won't be able to get back in because it's too high. So locked in, or locked out... which is better?

WHO SHUT THE FUCKING DOOR -- there are REASONS that it is always open.

UPDATE 3: I have removed the 4 screws holding the window screen in place with minimal screaming about spiders. This seems like a lot of trouble to get my fucking door open...

Final UPDATE: AHA! I win! I went outside and turned the knob and threw all my weight into the door expecting a ton of resistance. I almost busted my ass as the door flew open way too easily. Oh well. I'll reinstall the window screen tomorrow. I need day light to see the spiders.

Some people are just lame [period]

So I was using google to find the author of this quote:
"If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning."
Turns out it's by someone I've never heard of by the name of Catherine Aird. I like it. It amuses me.

That's not worth a post in and of itself -- but it gets better. I found my answer on a message board and this avatar caught my eye. Yeah, thats it on the left (with the yellow text added by myself). How much more lame can you get? I'd be able to excuse it if it was by -- ohhhh, lets say an 11 year-old-girl... but it's not.

So here we have a very old picture of (the very sexy) Johnny Depp in front of a very much enlarged and pixilated version of the same image. This is surrounded by a "frame" of a very early 90's (that's being generous) computer textured border inset with 2 stepped fades.

Oh the lameness is killing me. KILLING ME.

I want a refund!

I have had a horrid day, so the blog is the perfect place to vent about it, right? First I couldn't sleep last night -- I can never fall asleep anymore, not that my psychiatrist cares, but lets not jump ahead. So I wake up early because I have to see my psychiatrist today -- that's why I came back home last night. So before I go there, I run by financial aid to see what the hell is wrong with them. Without going into details, it sucked. A lot. It sucked so much that I don't want to talk about it because it makes me THAT sick.

Then I was late for my psych appointment. So I went there and they give me an anxiety test -- not a good time. So I see the psych and he makes me feel even worse about the financial aid stuff. Then he asks if I'm losing weight and I told him I lost 33 pounds and he says I should be losing faster. Ok, anyone who knows me knows that I'm already freaking out about losing so slow -- really the last person I need to hear that from is my fucking psychiatrist. Then he tells me about his other patients who had the surgery and are just "melting" and he never recognizes them. So he asks me how many calories I'm getting and I estimate (because I am forbidden to count calories) and say less than a 1000 I figure. And he tells me thats too much -- even though doctors always put me on a 1200 calorie diet so I'm having less than that -- plus I'm missing 8 feet of intestines so everything I eat doesn't even count. But he tells me I'm eating too much.

Yall. My psychiatrist told me I'm eating to much and losing weight too slow. NO, I'M NOT EXAGGERATING.

So then we move into how I've been doing. Well, in a word I'm apathetic. I don't feel like doing anything -- not even things I enjoy like listening to music or watching movies or painting -- I just don't care to do anything. I do what I have to do and then feel bad because I don't have anything I need to do. He tells me that none of those things are productive and maybe in a few weeks I'd feel like doing things again. What a shitty answer from a psychiatrist.

He also told me that I shouldn't be walking in the evening like I have been. No -- oh thats so good that you're getting out and exercising. No. I should be waking up early to walk. Oh and did I mention that I eat too much and there's no reason that I shouldn't be losing more weight? I should be "melting." Just want to make sure I mention that.

Then I ran around applying for jobs everywhere and it's like a hundred fucking degrees outside.

And Computer Network Services is KILLING ME.

I want a fucking refund from the psychologist. I paid like 40 bucks for that visit. I paid 40 bucks for a man to make me feel even worse than when I came in. Why don't I just go to the old psychologist that told me I was fat and if I lost weight all my problems would be solved.


So apparently, yall, I would be super happy if I lost weight -- and even though I had my insides cut up and am eating next to nothing and exercising more than I ever have in my life -- It's not good enough.

Thanks -- glad I could drive all the way down here and pay you 40 dollars to piss me off.

Leopard print sharks are mean.

I had a dream last night that I was at the beach with my family. The water was perfectly clear and it was nearing late afternoon. Everyone knows not to swim in the late afternoon because of sharks, but the ocean was full of swimmers and children playing anyway. All the sudden a huge group of dolphins came close to the shore and were swimming with all the people in the water. I jumped in and began to swim towards the dolphins being careful to avoid a few sharks I had seen in the water. Suddenly my mom called out to me and told me they were close to the shore near her -- so I swam over there. But my mom hadn't seen dolphins, she had seen sharks.

They were little sharks about a foot long and they had furry animal print bodies. Like zebra print and tiger print and leopard print. They looked like they had swam into a muff or something but in the dream it totally made sense. They also had really long jaws, like alligators. But before I could get away, a leopard print one with a luminescent blue and yellow halo bit my ankle. It wasn't a serious bite, only the top jaw really got me -- and like I said, these were tiny sharks.

The rest of the beach vacation was uneventful. When we got home I unpacked my bag and we all marveled at the shark I had had mounted. I had pulled it off my leg and threw it on the beach, then we got it mounted -- apparently. Here's a rough sketch of the bastard that bit me:

If I could be like that... What would I do... What would I do...

Have you seen those blogs where all the commentors totally kiss the bloggers ass? The post could be about anything and you'll get 30 people telling you how wonderful you are. How do you get to that status? On one hand, I find it amazingly amusing when people get pissed at me in comments. On the other hand, the ass-kissing has to be great for your ego.

What would be awesome is if you got to the point where 90% was ass-kissing and 6% was by the crazies and 4% was by the haters. Well, that ratio might be too high on ass-kissers and too low on the crazies. 'Cause I swear to god, the crazies are way more amusing. I guess you just need enough people rootin' for you that you feel good about what you're doing and then the rest can be for humors sake. That makes sense.

A few things

~ Tommy Lee goes to college. I swore I wasn't going to watch this show ...but I did. Twice. I couldn't help it -- it was funny. Did you see it? I admit it: I might watch it again.

~ I'm watching 'Law & Order: Special Victims Unit' and the show isn't half over but I've already spotted at least 8 macs. I'd pay attention to the actual show but it's a totally lame rerun.

~ Washing your tub is easier if you use degreaser. I never knew that until recently and I kept my mouth shut because I thought that maybe it was one of those things that everyone knows. That 'stain' the we are in in denial about -- you know -- 'it's soap scum, and stain that won't come out.' Yeah, you can totally clean that. I learned this from the professional cleaners that I end up paying to clean my apartment every semester. I had tried to clean that tub forever -- I even dumped bleach in it but decided that it was just a stain. Yeah, he cleaned it up real easy with some kitchen degreaser. Apparently it's body oils. And no, my tub wasn't that dirty. The bitch I lived with had stained it long before I got there -- I hate those bath mats, they just collect dirt and keep it there.

~ Notice that I felt the need to insert that I'm not that dirty when talking about cleaning the tub. I'm not. I promise. Accept me. ;)

~ I'm going back Home to UAH Thursday. New semester starts in a week. I don't have finances to attend this semester right this second but with God as my witness, I will.

~ Either Honda Civics come with horrible-quality speakers, or I listen to the radio way too loud. I've had two Honda Civics and the speakers were killed in both.

~ When I can finally afford to get my Beetle, I think I'm going to upgrade to some serious kick-ass speakers. Mmmmmmmmm.

~ Lastly, my mother dropped that she thinks engineering might be a better fit for me. What she doesn't know is that I've considered switching my major to engineering on many an occasion... I just haven't had enough of a decision on it to make the switch.

~ Oh yeah, and my moms dog chewed up my iPod earbuds.

3 Months post-op (part one of two)

So it's August 16th meaning it's been 3 months since I committed to what was one of (if not the) biggest decisions of my life. Weight loss surgery -- and we're talking the hard-core cut up my intestines kind. I haven't had an ounce of regret yet.

I'm very thankful that I haven't had any complications. I healed up nicely and pretty quickly and haven't had to go back to the doctor yet (well, aside from the 2 weeks check-up). Praise God for that!

I'm losing. I type that but I don't know if I honestly believe it. I know it pains my friends and family that I'm so negative. I expected to lose such much faster. I've skipped my last two support group meetings because it's just depressing to go in and hear people who had the surgery weeks after me that have lost twice as much as me. Actually, depressing is an understatement. It quite honestly breaks my spirit a little.

I feel emotionally fatter than before I had the surgery. I knew that would happen. The reason I hated diets -- my weight is constantly on my mind -- what I eat, how much I eat, when I eat is constantly being analyzed. I've gotten to the point where a lot of the time, I have to force myself to eat anything at all. I just don't want to eat. Food is fat. Fat has contributed to a lot of shittyness and pain in my life. I want it to be over.

However, I have made lots of progress! I bought my first pair of size-smaller jeans just this weekend. Actually, depending on the cut of the jean, you could say I've lost 2 sizes. All my bras went from tight to too big (It's a shame, I had just bought some cute ones). I lost a lot of ass. Really, I think the place I've lost the most weight is totally my ass. I've lost somewhere around 30 pounds (Since April, I've lost over 40). Thats a lot. Imagine a 30 pound bag of dog food or something. Now strap that on your back and walk around all day. I lost 30 pounds! And more importantly, for once in my life I know that that 30 pounds isn't coming back.

I've got three pairs of jeans I'm trashing because they're just too big. As my clothes get too big, I'm trashing or donating them all. I will not keep them in my closet, I will not put them in storage -- they shall be gone. I went from having to rest before I completed a mile, to being able to walk 2 consistently with NO rest in between. 3 miles is just on the horizon ;) I'm learning what will and will not make me sick. I haven't vomited in almost 2 weeks! (That's a jinx waiting to happen).

Before I had the surgery I was so excited and so sure that I'd lose the weight. Now I actually find myself questioning if I will even lose another pound. I'm scared that I might have done something so radical to my body that I'll have to live with for the rest of my life to lose a mere 30 pounds and still be super morbidly obese. My goal is not to be skinny. I know that would be unreasonable. My goal for myself is actually a higher weight than the goal my doctor has for me. I want to be a size 12/14 which I figure should be about 160 - 170 pounds. (Don't spaz on me if you don't think that's correct -- what do I know? I can't ever remember weighting so little -- fuck if I know what size that would be). I just want to be out of plus-size clothes. I think that's a totally reasonable goal. Well, it seemed reasonable before I found out I'd barely lose 30 pounds in the first three months. As my neighbor pointed out so eloquently -- she lost 30 pounds before she left the hospital.

So we'll see what happens. I've got 16 months left of prime weight-loss time (they say you get 18 months to drop the weight, though almost all of it should come off in the first year). Oh and this is only part one, because part 2 will list just how much I've lost and how many inches and such I have lost. I only look at that stuff every month and the book I keep it in is back at home in Huntsville.

Here' to more progress! I'm still waiting for it to just "fall off" like everyone keeps saying. Kiss my ass, ain't nothing just 'falling off.' Maybe my ass will fall off this month. Like opus. "Look -- it's replaceable! Like a tire!"

Oh how I wish this were true

Christopher Walken for president 2008. I would support the campaign just so I could hear him do campaign speeches with that wonderfully unique twist. And can you imagine the debates?

I fully admit that I know nothing of Walken as an actual person -- but I have seen him in a hell of a lot of movies and dammit, that counts. How about in 'Sleepy Hollow' where he was cutting peoples heads off? That's the kinda scary image the US needs. Or when he talked about keeping that kid's dad's watch in his ass for years in 'Pulp Fiction'. Dedication. Pure dedication. Or how about how he spoke in 'Man on Fire'? Tell me you didn't believe every word he said about what Denzel would do for revenge. That little girl taught him how to live again, and dammit no ones going to take that away.

And why did we believe him? Because anything Christopher Walken says has to be true. It's all in the mans demeanor. And those pauses -- like he's truly trying to connect with you. If Walken was my psychiatrist, I swear I'd be fixed by now. I wonder how much he charges to do therapy?

Walken would give America one hell of a kick ass image. We'd be laughed at yes, but when the man spoke -- foreign leaders would question their stances. And can you imagine him addressing the American public in and emergency situation? "We must not panic ... for the men ... the men who did this ... thats what they want..." Shit, it'd be awesome. I'd listen to him!

Walken is the man.


The way things should have happened: I got up today and mowed the lawn then jumped in the pool to cool off.

The way things actually happen: I got out the lawn mower and realized it was out of gas. I went to find the gas can to no avail. I went to borrow the neighbors gas can only to find out that hers was stolen. I went and got some gas for the mower and fill it up. I turn on iPod and it immediately dies on me. I attempt to crank lawn mower for half an hour before giving up and deciding to get in the pool because it's really hot here in Alabama. I go to my old bedroom (which has now become a storage room) to change into my swimsuit. I remove my shoes and step on a sewing needle sticking out of the carpet. I perform minor surgery to remove the painful needle and then go jump in the pool anyway.

Tinkering with the template

So I've been tinkering with the look of this page. I'm done... for today. I think I made some progress! The background image is a watercolor of a butterfly I painted long ago. The design in it's entirety was conceived by Izzy. He even picked the image. I say "picked" but he actually named it. I'm damned impressed he remembers that image considering he's seen it maybe twice. Kinda flattering.

Let me know if it looks crazy in your browser. I can only see it on Safari, Mac IE, and Firefox.

And hey, feel free to comment. According to my stats, I have all of 7 readers! Well, wait -- one of those is me. Ok, 6 readers. Or 6 random hits... could have been spiders. But we're working on it. Well, I am -- it's not like I have multiple personalities... yet.

NOTE: Okay, so the background doesn't show up in Mac IE. If you're actually using that POS then you have serious problems. There are plenty of better browsers you could be using -- like firefox -- or pretty much anything else.

Johnny Depp teases us all

According to this site, "Johnny Depp told Glamour UK that he fears he'll have to start doing porno films just to avoid getting typecast. Best known for his eccentric work as Captain Jack Sparrow, Hunter Thompson and now Willy Wonka, Depp has never been afraid to stray from the path."
"These kind of characters are not so far from my own personality, but I don't want to become typecast as an eccentric. Maybe next time I should do something totally different and film a porn with Tim [Burton]. That would really send my popularity down to the depths!"
And the world rejoices! Yes, he said it offhandedly and jokingly -- but... man. So you're saying there's a chance!

Diamond Men

I watched Diamond Men today. It was the "UPN Saturday matinee"-- also known as something you stoop to watching because you don't have cable. It's a horrible movie with a perfectly executed twist at the end. In fact the simple fact that the twist was so perfect almost made me forget that the rest of the movie was shit. The entire movie is spent hammering in how sad and boring this guy and his life are and then all the sudden they throw you a huge curve ball. I never saw it coming. I really respect the director for that. There are plenty of movies with a twist at the end, but this director kept you completely in the dark. And then he didn't revel in his accomplished feat -- the movie simply ended as it should have and left you going -- wow.

In other news this is the very definition of a lazy Saturday for me. I spent the entire day telling myself I was going to mow the lawn... in a minute. Yeah, now I decided I'll do it tomorrow or something.

Makin' banana pancakes, pretendin' it's the weekend... We can pretend it all the time.

The Jack Johnson song quoted in the title has been in my head all day. I'm loving his new CD. I just recently 'acquired' it and I can't stop playing it.

As for the line from that quote, *swoon.* Doesn't that sound like the perfect morning? Waking up with your sweety on a rainy day and just making it a lazy weekend day. Mmm sounds great.

Not that the whole CD is mushy and lovey like that. I probably wouldn't like it if it was. It's just got a nice vibe to it. Nice overall sound -- Great to listen to in the car.

I've been in a generally good mood lately. This CD seems to fit that. What's up with me actually being in reasonably good spirits?

I'm still freaking out about the usual - school, life, weight, money, love, failing at trying to get somewhere with my life. But for some reason, right this second -- seems like I actually have hope hiding out there somewhere.

Could I just be naive?

Look, writing down that I was in a good mood has actually made me start worrying. So typical of me. I shall stop there.

A few Friday rants.

1. I called financial aid today to see why I haven't been awarded anything yet considering the semester is about to start. I spent 30 minutes on the phone with them while they got all my stuff together and realized that yes, they do have everything they need. I was there in person making sure all this got done and I spoke to the woman in charge personally and she said, "Ok, I'll make the corrections." So why, 2 weeks later, have the corrections not been made? Fuck if I know. Pisses. Me. Off.

2. What the hell is wrong with my family? I mean seriously, there is some point where you just stop and go "dude, that's messed up." I'm way past that point and I think my family was past it before I was even born. Let me cite today's reasons. Note, I'm only going into today.
A. My sister still has not cleaned the 2 piles of vomit in the front yard. She likes to get shit-faced drunk and eat everything in the house -- then go pass out on the front lawn. Oh, you think I'm joking -- if only I were. Apparently now shes gone back to being bulimic and vomiting. But we can't vomit in the toilet like a good bulimic now can we? No, we have to vomit in the monkey grass flower bed edging and pretend that no one will notice. That's beyond disgusting -- it's a health hazard.

B. I got my sister to go to Sams with me today so I could get a great deal on a HP printer. (This is my other sister -- the one with a Sams card). So I'm buying a printer for like 80 dollars and the whole time shes telling me that I don't need it. She always gets like that when I buy anything even though I'm spending my money on it. I don't need a printer? How the hell did I go this long without getting one? And 80 dollars? Hell the thing comes with 2 ink cartridges -- that's worth way over half the price of the printer! Why does she always get so pissy when I spend my own money?

C. After going to Sam's my sister had to go straight to work so she asked me to run by dad's house (where she lives) and put her food in the fridge. Ok, I can do that since she only went to Sam's at my request anyway. So I go to Dad's and he doesn't say a word to me the entire time I'm there. The man hasn't seen me in weeks and he doesn't even care to speak to me. He also never notices when my hair is an odd color. My hair is fucking pink and he doesn't notice. Of course why would he? He didn't notice when it was blue or purple either. Then again what am I to expect -- he doesn't care to speak to me, why would he take the time to look at me?

3. No, I haven't lost any more weight. You think it's disappointing? TRY BEING ME.

What happens to men as they age?

There's 2 types of old men. The mean old farts who are pissed off at the world and think everyone should serve them. And then there are the talkative ones. These talkative ones are the one I want to talk about tonight.

I just spent the evening with a man who spent half an hour telling me about the worst case of hemorrhoids he ever had. No, seriously.

Now, I'm going to assume that all of you reading would never choose hemorrhoids as a random topic of conversation with someone of the opposite sex as if it were no different than "the weather." So what is going to happen to you (gentlemen) in the next 40 years to change that? Why does this occur? What can we do to stop it?

When the man left I looked at my brother and realized that one day that's going to be him. One day that's going to be my friends. One day thats going to be my husband. Good lord.

Testing testing 1 2 3

This is really just a test to see if ecto is working with this new blog. I want to make sure everythings working reasonably well before I spend a week in Birmingham on *gasp* dial-up.

I was going to work on the template a bit more this morning but Steph came down and woke me up to have lunch. Yes, I have to be awaken to have lunch. Also as a side note, my nose was bleeding when I woke up. What the hell is that? I've had a nose bleed maybe once in my life. It's official -- my brain is liquifying. At least now you have a reason to excuse me for the irrational behavior and spelling errors.

Oh and the one column thing and hopefully-to-come background image was all Izzy's idea, so thank or blame him. He thought my other blog looked like ass. Thanks, I feel the love.

Ummm. I have a complaint.

Ups This package was shipped to me via UPS ground yesterday morning. That means that UPS had it for about 30 hours.

What the hell? Were they playing football with it? How did it get this mangled? I could kick it around and it would come out better than this.

What horrible service. If I were the delivery guy, I would hang my head in shame if I had to hand someone a package like this. Why do I have such bad luck with mail?

Propel Fitness Water

Propel I admit that I only tried these because I heard a radio DJ praising them one night. Then I saw these 1 liter bottles at Walmart for a dollar. So I figured I'd try some - 2 bucks isn't much to lose.

I got the Melon and Grape flavors and am surprisingly pleased with the taste. I've tried just about every flavored water out there (no, really) and these are up there as the best. The flavor isn't washed out, I'd compare it to kool-aid. And they taste like their flavors (You'd think that would be a given, but not in the flavored water business). The melon is extremely good -- I'll definitely be purchasing it again.

My only complaint is the size of the bottles. I purchased the 1 liter (~34oz) bottles. They are too wide for me to get a good grip on. The only other bottles I saw in the store looked pretty small. I'd assume there would be something in the range of a 20oz out there somewhere. Until I find those, I think these liter bottles are an awesome deal for a dollar. And since you're not buying by the pack, you can try all the flavors.

Unfortunately they are not sugar free, but there's only about 2g of sugar per serving which is acceptable as far as I'm concerned. The label advertises it as vitamin-enhanced, but looking at the amount of vitamins in here really doesn't look worth it.

I give these a thumbs up. Great for when you want something non-carbonated, low on sugar, light, refreshing, and pre-bottled. I hope to see some gas-stations selling these soon, I'd be happy to pick one up on a hot day.

Hi, Welcome to China Town.

Apparently China Doll (roommate #2) has allowed someone to move into her bedroom. She just got here from China and doesn't have anywhere to stay until her room is available. So why not let her live here!

I feel like a foreign exchange student. There is no English spoken in my apartment -- just a lot of Chinese people going in and out. And dude, that is one harsh harsh language. I tend to think of foreign languages as sexy. I was mistaken.

And who told me to be nice to China Doll -- you know who you are. Apparently, I was so nice that she's going to stay here instead of moving to another building! Cause I'm that cool.

Awesome. I love having roommates I can't communicate with.

A little rant on doctors offices

I'm going to venture into possible hot-topic territory here. The reason it's a possible hot-topic is because it's about doctors offices. Note: not necessarily the doctors themselves. Why is this a hot topic? Well my dearest friend happens to be a doctor. He also gets really pissy when people say anything possibly negative about doctors. (Don't worry though, he'll stubbornly declare that he's not pissed. When everyone knows that he's being an asshole -- he thinks he's just being rational. Uhuh. EAT ME.)

Ehem. ...Bit of a tangent there.

My problem is when they have to cancel your appointment. I've had many appointments canceled. Twice with my psychiatrist, twice with my psychologist, once with my dentist, and at least twice with primary care physicians. I've never received more than 24 hours notice. I usually get the call in the morning... just when I'm getting ready to go. Once they didn't even call me. I didn't find out until I had been waiting in the waiting room and they asked me if I wanted to reschedule. (Are you serious?)

I have 2 problems with this. No, I'm not saying a doctor isn't allowed to get sick or have an emergency and have to cancel my appointment. The fact that they canceled isn't the problem at all. Here's my main problems:

1. If I cancel without giving at least 24 hours notice, I get slapped with a 25 dollar fee. They can give me an hours notice and it's no big deal. They're usually rather rude about it too -- like they're expecting me to curse them out and call me when they're already on the defensive. So how about I get something for this? Maybe a 'get out of cancelation free' card or something. It's only fair. Or how about this -- how about an apology? Is it so hard for the person calling me to apologize for the hassle? Or maybe even apologize to me when I come in for my reschedule. I mean I'm a human with a schedule too and I deserve to be treated as such. I'm paying to see the doctor -- its not like they're doing me some huge favor.

2. The reschedule. It's never tomorrow. It's always their "next available" which can range from the next day to 2 months from now -- and who knows how long you had this appointment scheduled for. How about you squeeze me in somewhere? I had a major problem with this just under a month ago. My psychiatrist canceled an appointment I had to schedule a month in advance... then they call me the day of and cancel it. Ok, the next one is another month away -- put me down. Another month later and it's canceled. Well, I had a major problem. I really needed a change in my medications. Believe me, I let them know. They said the only way they could see me before then was if I was having homicidal thoughts. Well, I'd like to grab a gun and come shoot everyone in your office -- does that justify squeezing me in sometime before October? Long story short, I'm never going to that office again.

I really do think it's the office staff that is responsible for these issues. I don't think the doctors themselves know how poorly their patients are treated by their staff. That or they are just indifferent and have so many patients they can stand losing a few.

The office staff is just as important as the doctor as far as I'm concerned. They are the people you have to communicate with the most. You can really tell a difference when there's a good staff. My GYN's office staff is the cream of the crop if you ask me. The receptionist is so wonderfully nice -- you'd think she knew exactly who you were and you'd known her for years. The nurses and residents are equally as personable. Compare that the the psychs office. They're all bitches. No, they really are.

So what on earth do you do? Do you tell the doctor? I don't want to finally get to see a doctor who is perfectly nice himself and start griping. I want to focus on the reason I'm there -- his/her help. Do you send a letter? To who? Do you change offices and never let them know why? Who hires these people anyway? Who is really the head of the doctors office? I'm just so dumbfounded that you can be treated so poorly by people you pay large sums of money. Can someone justify this to me?

Anyone want some vitamins?

Vitamins No? Good then, we're all on the same page.

Due to a recent voluntary loss of 8 feet of intestines, I'm now required to take more vitamins that I ever wanted to know about. Now I am fully aware that I signed up for this, but why can't they make them taste good? I'm not asking for them to taste like skittles but give me something! These things are repulsive. Has it occurred to manufacturers that more people would be willing to take them if they didn't trigger your gag-reflex?

I have a confession to make. I haven't been taking them.

On second thought, the skittles idea wasn't bad.

By the way, do you want some vitamins? Seriously. Those two bottles in the top left taste like shit. Well, actually they taste like giant sweet-tarts -- way too sweet for me to take 4 times a day. They're "Twin Labs" chewable calcium citrate (500mg per wafer). I paid $20 for both bottles (that was at half-price), you can have them if you pay for shipping.

When gambling stops being fun

Lotto I snapped this picture in a Tom Thumb station on my way to Panama City. Florida wants you to play the lotto... but when it stops being fun, they want to help.

Thank you, Florida Council on Compulsive Gambling.

Personally, I like the way the word "play" is the biggest word on the sticker (Click the picture for a larger image)

UGH! I'm always missing something aren't I?

Background:I just had to replace my cell phone but can't afford to spend much now. So I bought a cheap little phone that I actually rather like except for the fact that it doesn't have an outer LCD display. I really like having the time and caller ID on the outside of the phone so I'm a little bummed about missing that feature.

Anyway... Now, Verizon is advertising a new phone with all the snazzy features including outer LCD display and camera for only 49.99. Dammit. Had I but waited one week. One fucking week.

Thats always what happens to me.

The uneventful return of Karen to the world of online bitching

Ever hear the cliche "there's a time for everything?" Well, it's true. There's a time to take a break from blogging and there is a time to return. This is an instance of the latter.

So let's get started, shall we?

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